Any advice Please

LegacyUser

I have decided to go unregistered for this.

Ok long story cut short. Was in a long term loving relationship. My partner broke from me for a number of reasons. He wanted us to remain friends. He said he had few people in his life that he can call a friend. I still very much love him but the what is now I am not handling very well.

I have kept the lines of communication open. I do put a little more into the friendship more then him. The thing is, it is a friendship with conditions on his side. I know that having a friendship with an ex can be tough one and sometimes they do not work out and can hurt one easily. I do love him and although I am his 'friend' I am seeing a side of him I never seen before.

Before we ever went out, we were friends. He would text me often/ or ring me, we could talk about anything and laugh at life. It was great! We started dating and we gradually fell deeply in love. We were so like each other and shared much thoughts of what we wanted from life and for the future. We considered a move in together and the possibility of having children. I know when he broke from me, it was partially my fault, but nevertheless, it could have been worked through but he didn't want to. So he left.

He told me that he would never come back to me again, which has left and I still feel the same, devastated.

But back to what I want to advice on. The thing is with this friendship we now have, he has become in ways, secretive. It is a friendship with conditions ( on his side ) they are not spoken ones but they are obvious ones, like I cannot ring him much any more and he will not ring me. I cannot take about the past or personal things. When we chat on msn he goes away saying brb and leaves me there for any amount of time. He one time left me there for 20 mins and I decided to leave. I don't know what he was doing or if he was chatting with someone else but it really upset me. We did have a good relationship and he knew me as I knew him. But now, I do not feel as if I have. He is slowly becoming a stranger. I used to be able to stay at his house when I was over but if I went over I would have to stay at a hotel.

He is the one who said he wanted to remain friends, but how on earth is it going to work out when he has placed conditions on it? I don't know if we will ever get back together, it is something I would like to happen. He does know how I feel about him, but that alone should not stop him from being my friend. I have other friends but there is no condition of how often or when I can or can't ring them. I can talk to them about personal things but I cannot to him any more. He gives me mixed signals at times and then when he does something like that, he goes quiet for a time and I do not know what to think.

I am sorry this seems complicated and confusing. I don't know where to go with this friendship of his. I know I would miss him out of my life,if he was not there, as we have known each other for a good few years. As I said, he has become secretive and I don't like secrets. I would rather know what he is up to then not know at all. What is your advice please? How do I maintain a friendship with his conditions?

Thanks

Kevster

No, no, no... ...

You have made one wrong move after another since the break-up. The first wrong move was arranging to remain as friends, and the subsequent wrong moves were never taking hld of any opportunity to just get away from this guy. Why can't you move on? What do you need from this guy anymore? He owes you absolutely nothing and has every right to be as secretive as he wants to be.

This is irrelevant though because you shouldn't even be talking to him at all. Im angry that you think being friends is in any way constructive, because it clearly isn't, right now at least. Be brave and just erase his contact details, okay? This is ridiculous for you to stall your life's plans by staying in touch with him.

Kevin

chuckles30

Do yourself a favour and move on!!! I know it's easier said than done......been there, done it & bought the t-shirt as they say. But for your own sanity....a clean break is the only way to go....even at this late stage!!

eviltwin

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Nothing wrong with being friends with an ex but it has to be mutually respectful. Right now he is holding all the cards and making all the rules which is not what a friendship should be about. He's using you and you can't allow yourself to be dragged down even more so do yourself a favour and cut all ties with him. You don't need a "friend" like that in your life.

Monkey61

To be honest I don't think the guy is treating you badly at all. He has made it very clear that there is no getting back together and you are the one choosing not to listen to him OP.

Of course the friendship has to be different for a while. You have said yourself that you are angling to get back with him so of course he isn't going to invite you to stay in his house or ring you every day. The phone calls etc are not just friend things to do, those are girlfriend things to do, so until everybody is over everybody else, they have to be put on hold.

He doesn't want you to get the wrong idea and to be fair OP, by the sounds of it, if you were phoning him everyday and talking about the past, then you probably would be getting the idea.

I am a great believer in exes being close friends, but only when neither party is trying to get the other back, because that is NOT a friendship.

Until you can be his friend, which at the moment you obviously can't, then you need to back off. Contrary to what a previous poster said, he is not using you or wanting to have his cake etc. By the sounds of things he is trying to be the good guy by not telling you to go away and never darken his door again, but as you have said, you are the running after him in the hope of forcing a close friendship that could take years to develop. You need to relax and leave it alone until you are ready, because if you are basing a friendship entirely on your desire to get back with him then you are not only hurting yourself but being horribly unfair to him too.

shellyboo

He's not your friend, he's your ex. You can't erase the past and go back to how it used to be.

Sounds to me like he's just doing what he needs to do to keep himself sane and stop either of you getting hurt. He can impose whatever conditions he wants on the friendship - you're the one choosing to accept them.

Oh The Humanity

You wouldn't treat any friend like that. He is no friend babe.

Either he is enjoying the ego boost or keeping you to bump up his numbers of 'friends' or something, but you can guarantee he only has his own interests at heart.

Sounds like there is someone else on the scene too as it is so important that you are not witnessed to stay the night. He is keeping secrets and in all liklihood he is seeing someone else or trying to.

This 'friendship' is not healthy for you at all. In fact its damaging.

There is a bigger picture here and you are just looking at one small piece of the jigsaw. When people keep secrets they are rarely something nice. I really feel there is someone else on the scene.

I think you should just stop calling/contacting him. Don't accept his calls if he rings. Cold turkey is the only way.

martdalto

My first thought was "he's with somebody else".

He finished with you.
He told you there's no chance of getting back together.
He doesn't want you ringing him.

To be honest, I think the "friendship" thing is an easy let down on his part. He wants the relationship to be over, but he knows how hurt you are, so he's trying to let you down gently. Unless you make the break now (and nobody is suggesting it will be easy for you),you will discover that he will slowly, over the next while start drifting from you. Already you say he doesn't ring you, you ring him. Soon you will notice that you are having more and more missed calls as he won't answer.

Stop contacting him for a while. If he really, truly wants to remain friends with you he will contact you without prompting.

You both feel totally different about each other now, you still love him and want to get back with him. He doesn't love you and has said you will never get back together. At the moment, it's impossible to be friends when the two of you want such different things.

He's is trying to break up with you totally, but you are still hanging on.

Let him go. Move on. It's hard to hear now, but you will find someone else. You don't need him in your life.

And maybe a few months/years down the road, you 2 can get back to being friends.

LegacyUser

Try this experiment: say nothing but stop all contact.

The likelihood is you will never hear from him again.

Make a deal with a good friend that any time you feel compelled to contact him you can contact your mate instead.

Sorry OP, this is tough, and I know you're in pain. There's nothing to say other than what other posters have said (though I don't believe he's an abuser either, he's just moved on). Now is the time to focus on the act of healing and to do that, you are going to have to go through the pain of realisation that it really is over.

You are not going to feel this way about this guy forever. Sure you can be 'friends' someday, but in 5-10 yrs and by then it may hardly matter.

Just today I was walkin down the street and across the road I saw a man I lived with for three years 12 yrs ago. I hid behind a lamp post (yes I am a skinny girl!) so he wouldn't see me. Not cause I won't enjoy a chat with this man I only see once every few years... but because I wasn't in the mood. Now thats what being over someone means.

Stop contacting this man now and if he contacts you give him about 5% of your attention, or just let it go completely. There is another man waiting for you somewhere down the road. Give yourself a chance to meet him.

kittenkiller

Sorry OP, it looks like the "Let's stay friends" thing was just to soften the blow of the break up.
He's treating you like some random score from a night out.

Walk away and find someone who appreciates you and your friendship.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Ok, here's the thing. When he does not hear from me, he texts me saying that he had no texts from me today and that he hopes I am ok and asks me what I am up to. I have not text him for two days now but he is still sending me texts.

A few days ago, he asked me for a photo of myself and previous to that he also searched the internet for, and was able to describe to me in detail, the place where I was when I was out with my best friend Ann. He has sent me music and other things online just recently.

We have been friends before we ever went out together and we were together for a number of years, and he broke from me recently and it is he that wanted to remain friends with me and although, as I have said previously, I still love him very much, I do want him to be happy as he does me, but it seriously would be hard for me not to have him in my life in some capacity, and I think in some ways, he feels the same way about me.

I know this 'friendship' is different and feels different, and I miss him so much, but I am willing to remain friends with him. I do know that when his last relationship of 14 years broke up, he wanted to remain friends with his ex, but she said no, no way. And I felt that him doing so is giving him something that his other ex did not give him. He knows me and he knows what I am like and vice versa, but he is different to the man I knew and loved before, and it is this I find hard. He is always asking what am I up to etc and when I ask him what he is doing, he says some things and/or skips the question. One thing he had told me before we broke up, was that he would find it hard to find anyone like me again, and it is the same for me to him.

I do want to remain friends with him, but I am finding it, like I am frustrated, and fighting all the time to maintain the friendship he said he wanted after we broke up. He is texting me and chatting with me on msn and sending me things and wanting to know what I am doing or whom I am with. If I don't say who I am with when I am out, he would ask me.

So you can see what a confused state this all is.

phic

Oh dear, I had a situation like this with an ex once, and its only now, 3 years later that we're properly friends!
I know its easier said than done, but in my experience you need to cut contact with him for at least a few months. Its hard, but its for the best in the long run. Tell your ex that you want to be friends eventually, but need some time first. He broke up with you, the least he can do is give you this time. After a few months, gradually begin contact again, a quick chat on msn, a text asking how he is. Build it up from there, but try keep him as a casual friend, not the person you turn to about everything. you need to rebuild your life without him as a major feature of it. It sounds to me like both of you are finding it hard to let go, but if you've decided to break up, or he has decided for you, then you need to let go to properly move on. It seems like he's a decent guy, so he should respect your decision, and he'll probably find it benefits him in the long run too. telling him that you need the break will make it easier to keep to it as well, if you just decide in your head its much easier to go back on it.
sorry about the long post, just I've a lot of experience with this situation, hope it helped, and remember stay strong!