Am I a jerk?

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Would like your take on this please. Kinda needed some opinions because I've been feeling a bit bad about the way I handled a recent situation.

Basically I've been sort of 'seeing' this girl. We were hanging out a lot in May, she went home to Finland and came back a few weeks ago. Up until now she's been pretty clear that we're not strictly going out or exclusive, an arrangement that seems to be pretty popular these days - I kinda figured if you sleeping with someone, you were with them, maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Anyway, every now and then she'll act in a sort of strange manner and put it down to hormones, being home-sick, or whatever. Nothing major, just get pissed off over little things or act in an overly clingy way - not really something I'd expect from someone who doesn't want to go out with me.

Anyways, I was pretty much put-off by the way she was acting and the fact that after knowing her over five, she still doesn't want to make things more permanent, or even seem to know what she wants from me. I asked her for some space to think about things. Meanwhile, I get a text from my ex (love of my life, etc, broken up almost two years but have met up a few times since, dates, occasionally sex, and then she usually bails again). I told her I pretty much don't want to be with her because I didn't like the way she treated me - not sure if that's true! - but we went to a movie and had dinner and just chatted. At the end of the night I ended up kissing her. We've met up since and the idea of casual relations ahs been thrown around.

Now, I want to know what you guys think...am I being a dick? Am I/Was I treating the first girl unfairly? This whole 'seeing' thing seems to throw up alot of problems. As I understand it (and this is largely from American sit coms) the Finnish girl insisted it was casual, so I haven't done anything 'wrong'. if so, why do I feel like an ass-hole?

shellyboo

You didn't do anything wrong, if the thing with the Finnish girl is just casual then you can kiss whoever you like.

The fact that you feel crap about it suggests you're more interested in her than casual, though... you need to think about what you want from her, because if you want more and she doesn't, you could end up getting hurt.

Oh The Humanity

No way are you being a dik.

The finnish girl wanted a casual relationship. In other words no commitments, doesn't seem to wan't to evolve or graduate the relationship into a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Although you agreed with that I don't think it's sitting too well with you.

When you say she acts clingy and gets pissed off over small things can you elaborate on that? Sounds kind of like she is taking you for granted and taking little frustrations out on you cos you are there kind of thing.

Anyway, she doesn't know what she wants from you translates directly as she is keeping you around until something 'better' comes along. After 5 months she should know whether she wants to be exclusive with you and she doesn't.

Now to the other one. You call her the 'love of your life' and yet are contemplating 'casual relations' with her. Thats not gonna work for you.
You admit she usually 'bails again' after sex/dates. Thats no good for you.
She is using you as an ego boost.

From what I see both of these girls just want a bit of casual no strings sex.

Wheras I think from what you write you tend to see things along more traditional lines and there is nothing wrong with that. It could be that you are not the type of person that is compatible with no-strings or fcuk buddy type arrangements.

I would move away from both of these girls if that is the case with you. If you want a girlfriend in the traditional sense then neither of these are runners.

Bitofadcik?

Bitofadcik? wrote: »

why do I feel like an ass-hole?

Just to address this direct question ... you possibly feel like an ass-hole because you're one of the many people around who aren't comfortable with rambling, casual relationships ... your partners see you as someone they can pick up and drop at will, but you look at them as girlfriends, or at least prospective girlfriends.

You call yourself an old-fashioned guy, you seem to know what you're looking for, you just don't seem to be looking in the right places.

I'd particularly bear this in mind with the "love of your life" who's now looking for a casual relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. I guess I understand what you're saying...I know the ex thing is probably a bad idea, but I'm trying to move with the times: casual relationships are what many people deem acceptable these days. To be honest i think the idea of a formal relationship scares off alot of people in their early-to-mid twenties.

So I'm not kidding myself...I suppose I know where both avenues are going to leave me and neither are going to make me happy. I guess neither are really girlfriend material. Sucks. Really could go for some...I dunno, love I suppose? Would be nice to feel loved.

Bitofadcik

Bitofadcik wrote: »

casual relationships are what many people deem acceptable these days. To be honest i think the idea of a formal relationship scares off alot of people in their early-to-mid twenties.

Bitofadcik? wrote: »

As I understand it (and this is largely from American sit coms)

I think you should stop watching American sitcoms

I'm long past my early twenties so I don't know what you kids are up to "these days" but you can't assume something so wide and you shouldn't force yourself into a style of relationship that doesn't work for you. What you should do is stop dating women who make it clear from the outset that they're not looking for anything serious.

Bitofadcik wrote: »

Really could go for some...I dunno, love I suppose? Would be nice to feel loved.

Of course it would, have patience.

Novella

There is no reason for you to feel bad at all because you haven't done anything wrong. Girl 1 didn't want to commit to you so you had a casual thing going on. That entitles you to be with anyone else you chose and has nothing to do with her.

I don't think the fact you are still seeing your ex is a good idea though. You say she bails on you and you referred to her as the love of your life. I doubt that something casual would work in such a situation and you would more than likely end up getting hurt.

You don't sound like you are interested in "seeing" people casually so I would suggest giving both of these girls and miss and waiting until you meet a girl who is on the same page as you. Not everybody wants that kind of open relationship where they are still free to see other people, don't let tv misinform you! You seem like a good guy so I'm sure you'll find someone soon. Best of luck, OP

LegacyUser

Just to clarify...as far as the ex thing goes, I know it's not going to go back to the way it was. I guess she was the love fo my life and I don't believe for a second that you stop loving someone the second things are over. Some people you'll always care about, emotionally, romantically and intimately.

Taltos

Do you really want to get back with someone you really cared so deeply about when you know it is going nowhere?

Not sure if I would have the strength for that - think it would end up making me worse.

Maybe figure out what you want and lay your cards on the table for whoever it is you want to be with. Me though - I tend not to settle - so if someone does not want me like I want them I do not think I would go for it. But I was never into the whole casual thing either - did mean quite a few quiet periods but I don't regret those at all.

Your call though.

muboop1

Firstly, **** the times-TV is wrong,
People now a days are just so scared of ****/think they should be living the life/to busy dating everything that moves or whatever that they reject/neglect love when they in fact do find it, they might find a person they could love for years but don't give a deacent chance or some crap like that...

Anyway regarding your last post....

ah i totally agree about the love bit,

The relationship ended but feelings take longer to go...
But dude, they aren't going to go if you keep her in your life, especially if you think of her as love of your life... especially if you keep having those moments where you sleep with her and things are great...

All you get is a constant reminder of how great she is, topping up your love if you will allow me to so crudely put it.

I think you need to take a break from the ex to fully get over her... like a long no-contact break.

As for the other Finnish girl? you should Finnish it with her?? :pac:

Nah all jokes aside dude... you want something she isn't willing to give...
In this you will never be properly happy...

You know what you want but you aren't pursuing it...
These girls are just distractions, but not even a good type...
They both are fulfiling physical needs but thats not really what you want is it? *edit* meant to say thats not really enough is it

You want the whole package...
So whilst you should be dating and meeting new people hoping to find a person who you can love and can make you happy...

You are instead hoping one of these girls will change their minds and love you as you honestly deserve...

Chances of that happing if you keep current patterns are slim..

If you cut off these girls and get out there and meeting new people, you might just find what you are looking for!

Black Swan

Bitofadcik? wrote: »

the Finnish girl insisted it was casual, so I haven't done anything 'wrong'. if so, why do I feel like an ass-hole?

You want more of Finland.