don't want to hate

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I guess I am just taking the oppurtunity to air my feelings and have some feedback.

My partner and I have been togethor 7 years and have two children. Two years ago he left me with no word of explanation 6 months from our wedding and moved in with a girl he used to work with.

This was a BIG shock for me and it was a very terrible time as he gave no reason for anything, lied about her and treated me very shabbily. he ignored his children during this time and was so cagey about the whole thing that I had a nervous breakdown when I found out he was living with her a year later.

At the time I found out, he came crawling back and we went through intensive counselling and I came to see the problems we had in our relationship (I know I am not perfect and we had serious problems before, especially as I can admit that I am a more dominant personality than him). I found it difficult to accept him back in our lives but I DID love him and I was shocked to find out how depressed and low he was at this time in his life during our counselling.

He knows he cannot make amends for the hurt but he is trying.

I am realistic-it may not work out, but my children need a father and I still have some diminished love for him so it is a work in progress.

My real problem is that I am finding a hard time forgetting this other girl he was with. i just can't bring myself to forgive her or try to see things from her point of view. This is killing me inside as I try to live my life by Christian principles and not to hate anyone. BUt I just don't know how she could live with him knowing we had finalised all our plans for marriage and had children. She is not Irish and I am now finding myself looking at all ladies from her part of the world with suspicious eyes and I feel so ashamed of myself. I tried talking to her and sending her e-mails so as to clear the air but her arrogance and sheer "screw you" attitude is unbelievable. She says he lied to her and I agree he did but then, she also knew of my existence way before I knew of hers.

My partner is uncomfortable with my curiosity but has answered all my questions so far with an honesty I am actually finding very suprising. he admits he was selfish and says I should forget about her as she is a very selfish person. From looking at all their correspondence (before getting rid of them) I can see that.

I guess I am just finding trouble dealing with the fact that I really wanted to give her a slap but I didn't and now I can't stand the fact that this person thinks she was better than me and was so heartless she thought our children didnt matter to her. She has said to me that if they had children he would have had to put theirs first.

Sorry for the rambling, I just seem to be full of conflicting emotions and I don't know how to stop myself hating?

daisybelle2008

What an absolutely horrific time you have had. I can absolutely understand how you feel anger towards this other woman but really it is misplaced. As you are trying to work on your relationship with your husband you probably do not want to rock the boat but he did a lot of damage and the responsibility to you, your pending marriage and children was 100% his. He handled things terribly. Deep down I think you are burying a lot of anger while papering over the cracks for the sake of having a partner and father around. Can you fully love him again or has too much damage been done? Is it right for you not just your chidren. I think this other woman is becoming and unhealthy outlet for the pent up anger you rightly have towards your husband and to a degree yourself for allowing him back after the ****ty way he treated you. Forget about her, she is only a symptom of the dysfunction that has gone on in your relationship. Real question is can you be happy with this man. No trust = no love in my book.

metrovelvet

It is obvious you are trying to move on from your anger and looking for answers and reasons behind what happened to be able to let it all go.

Its great that you are even making an attempt first of all, rather than throwing in the towel. But do you really think you are going to get your answers from this woman? Does hating her help you absolve and forgive your husband? Are you looking for an apology from her? She is not worthy of an apology. Im pretty hard line about this; you dont **** with married men, especially those with kids. I dont care what excuses you have, anyone over 18 is old enough to know better and what the drill is. Someone like that is not going to have enough grace to give you what you are looking for. Furthmore, you are still letting her control your life by seeking answers from her or even caring what she thinks of you. Your husband lied to her too remember. And she wasnt the one who swore before god and the community to love, honour and obey. She may feel just as screwed over and deceived too.

Forgiveness is often praised but seldom done, and for a reason. We are all unsure exactly of what it means to forgive. Obviously, the past is the past and we cant undo it , but at some point you have to draw a line under it or you wont be able to move forward. If you cant draw a line under it, then you cant make any progress.

Try to think of it this way. Hating her is not efficient in this process. You are only blocking your own way here. Don't contact her. Forget about her. This is about you and whether you will be able to trust your husband again. Try to think about what the rage is protecting you from. I hang onto rage when I dont want to feel sad, no worse feeling in my book, but eventually you have to feel it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages ladies.....I think you are right. Actually, I know you are. I guess deep down I know this other girl is not even worth wasting my time on, and that the only thing she'll do is make me feel worse. I just didn't want to think he could do all this for someone that seems as horrible as she was/is behaving.

I never thought of my anger protecting me from other, more painful feelings, and that's something I have to think on. After ending up in hospital very traumatised by this whole thing I tried putting all the sad thoughts behind me and now I think on it, there was a lot of anger left. I just didn't want to get depressed around the kids.

I know my partner is the root cause of everything. I'm not so naive as to think she was a corrupted innocent. Like MV said, married men (were) a no in my single days and I just can't for the life of me understand how a person can sabotage any relationship where there are children.

maybe I have been angry at her as I don't want to get angry at him, because when that happens, all the allowances I made to let him back in my life will become obsolete. I don't know how this will work out but I sure would be happy to let go of all the anger, although close advice has been that the feelings are good for me, rather than bottling them up.

But I feel better for letting it all out.

Thank you.