creepy sex fetish?????

LegacyUser

When we go to bed,my b/f (when hes had a few drinks...most nights)tries it on with me while im asleep!!! I lnow this sound wierd,but iv often woke up and found him with his hands down my knickers,doing things(!).I find it very creepy and pervy.He claims not to rem the next day,but we have 4 daughters,and this kind of behaviour freaks me out as i cant even have them sleep in wit us if they are sick for fear that he really doesnt know wot hes doing.As a result,we have NO sex life,as i look at his hands and think they are the hands of a prev.
Is he a sufferer of some kind of sex problem,does he have a fetish for this sort of thing or just a plain perv?Iv tried talking to him about this but he flips the head and says im maken it all up,even though we will exchange words most nights when i push his hand away.I feel violated.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Heard of this before. Its like sex sleepwalking. Google it

PirateShampoo

Its pretty common i think, ive been guilty of it myself, ive also done it when theres no drink involved and ive gone to sleep horny.

dny123456

my partner does something similar... i always thought it was kinda sweet.

Darksaga87

if it only happens when he has had a few drinks, then i would put it down being drunk and horny!

If its sex sleepwalking, im sure it would happen if he was sober.

i wouldnt call him a perv just yet, most blokes try it on when they have had a few.

LegacyUser

hi op, going unreg for this wan cos ppl know me

i do this too, sometimez when drunk but mozt timez when just asleep ( more timez it happenz when me and gf have been havving fightz and stuffz) itz called sexomnia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexomnia

hth

(I dont normally talk in this fashion )

Zaph

happenz2me wrote: »

(I dont normally talk in this fashion )

So why did you feel the need to do so in PI? Please post properly in future or any further posts like this will be deleted.

LegacyUser

well he might be asleep but if it only happens when he's drunk then he needs to stop getting drunk. Otherwise he is completely responsible whether he remembers it or not, in my book.

I dont blame you for being disgusted, i wouldnt like to wake up with my boyfs hands down my pants either.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, you mentioned your partner being drunk when this happens but that is not an excuse for crossing a sexual boundary with you,if you are creeped out or uncomfortable about something like this then that is not okay. While, it may be as the previous posters say , if you have a weird feeling about or feel uncomfortable then it is not right for you. Also if you have ANY fear or doubt about your daughters safety take them out of the situation, not feeling comfortable enough to have your children sleep in your bed is a HUGE red flag IMO.

Chinafoot

freakedout wrote: »

When we go to bed,my b/f (when hes had a few drinks...most nights)tries it on with me while im asleep!!! I lnow this sound wierd,but iv often woke up and found him with his hands down my knickers,doing things(!).I find it very creepy and pervy.He claims not to rem the next day,but we have 4 daughters,and this kind of behaviour freaks me out as i cant even have them sleep in wit us if they are sick for fear that he really doesnt know wot hes doing.As a result,we have NO sex life,as i look at his hands and think they are the hands of a prev.
Is he a sufferer of some kind of sex problem,does he have a fetish for this sort of thing or just a plain perv?Iv tried talking to him about this but he flips the head and says im maken it all up,even though we will exchange words most nights when i push his hand away.I feel violated.

When you exchange words is he awake and drunk or is he asleep?

If he's asleep then its possibly a sleep disorder. If he's awake but pissed then the lack of memory the next morning is most likely down to the alcohol.

I don't blame you at all for feeling violated by this. It's not consensual if you're not awake when it happens. He needs to listen to your concerns here and he needs to seriously cut down on the drink. You said in your opening post that he drinks most nights...with 4 daughters that seems pretty excessive.

If he refuses to take you seriously when you broach the subject with him you should ask that he either cut back on the booze or sleep on the sofa.

Women Are Dirty

Sounds like he is just turned on by you! dont be such a big girl and play on it be a slag!

Nevyn

Troll account is permabanned from this forum.

kjl

I male, and have woken up with former partners having sex with me, creepy is not the word I would describe it, more like sexy

LegacyUser

The point is that it makes the OP feel uncomfortable, just because someone else finds it sexy doesnt mean she is doing something wrong by not opening up to it,

Op tell your partner your not happy about it and if he doesnt listen say your not going to sleep with him until he sorts it out, he doesnt seem to be too bothered by your feelings, that may get him to sort it out.

It may feel like a violation of your body because its unwanted, also it may be frustrating because he is pulling out of you when your trying to sleep.

LegacyUser

This kind of unwanted sexual contact is rape, or sexual assault. You don't want it, you aren't turned on by it, and it feels like a violation. This isn't an inconvenience, it is wrong. You will have to speak to your partner in terms that leave him in no doubt as to how you view this. He is forcing himself on you without your consent, and not caring about it. That is rape, or sexual assault (despite how some of the male posters here view it).

Koushki

its a bit harsh you calling him a perv and creepy.

at the start of your post i thought you were about 17 years old then you mentioned you had daughters so that shocked me too.

i understand why it would worry you if your kids were there,
but you're saying you have no sex life now.

thats just ridiculous.

It's actually more common than you think. give him a break. you turn him on or he's just having a sexy dream.

if he starts feeling you up and you don't like it wake him up.easy as.

Chinafoot

Koushki wrote: »

its a bit harsh you calling him a perv and creepy.

at the start of your post i thought you were about 17 years old then you mentioned you had daughters so that shocked me too.

i understand why it would worry you if your kids were there,
but you're saying you have no sex life now.

thats just ridiculous.

It's actually more common than you think. give him a break. you turn him on or he's just having a sexy dream.

if he starts feeling you up and you don't like it wake him up.easy as.

Thats a very harsh post.

The fact that she has no sex life anymore probably has a lot to do with the fact that he doesn't listen to her concerns about this at all. Instead he gets thick with her and accuses her of making it up.

You might think she's overreacting but thats not for you to decide. She's uncomfortable with this and she doesn't like it. Thats absolutely fair enough. His refusal to even discuss it with her or perhaps take a look at his drinking habits is not fair.

wexford202

Hi OP

I think that both of ye may be the cause of this.

His wandering hands have caused you to be turned off which in turn now makes him worse as he is sexually frustrated and probably thinking abut this when drunk or going to sleep.

Maybe if you were to just do it before sleep he will have had his bit and it might not happen through the night.

Don't think of him as creepy though. to describe someone you have four kids with isn't very nice by any means. Yes it may be a turn off but to be with someone you think is creepy is worse.

Irishcrx

I do this aswell usually when I have had a few drinks, my GF doesn't mind usually but if we happened to be having a fight that day or evening it has caused problems in the past as it should as I guess it is in one way or another rape. I genuinely don't realise i'm even having sex unless i'm woken up, even sometimes I get up in the morning and have no idea it happened.

Nevyn

when you are with a long term partner and share abed with them the lines of consent can be come rahter blurred.


Op there are issues between you and your partner, you have said that you don't have much if any of a sex life. Personally I would find it hard to sleep in the same bed as the person I was in love with, in a realtionship with and was still sexually attracted to as I now my hands may wander.

I suggest that you both look to sorting out your communication issues and maybe try not sleeping in the same bed until it is something you both want.

ibarelycare

freakedout wrote: »

When we go to bed,my b/f (when hes had a few drinks...most nights)tries it on with me while im asleep!!! I lnow this sound wierd,but iv often woke up and found him with his hands down my knickers,doing things(!).I find it very creepy and pervy.He claims not to rem the next day,but we have 4 daughters,and this kind of behaviour freaks me out as i cant even have them sleep in wit us if they are sick for fear that he really doesnt know wot hes doing.As a result,we have NO sex life,as i look at his hands and think they are the hands of a prev.
Is he a sufferer of some kind of sex problem,does he have a fetish for this sort of thing or just a plain perv?Iv tried talking to him about this but he flips the head and says im maken it all up,even though we will exchange words most nights when i push his hand away.I feel violated.

The bit that I highlighted here is the bit that stood out to me most. Drink is obviously the underlying problem. Does he drink enough that he doesn't remember doing it or would he even do it if he's had one or two? And he only does it on the nights when he drinks? It seems like there are two issues here.

davyjose

OP, I don't think there's many people in a happy, loving relationship that would call their other half a perv, under pretty much any circumstance. I also don't think that it's grounds alone to cause a great divide in a relationship (other posters have already said they find it sweet).

So i'm with Thaedydal on this, there's obviously some kind of underlying relationship issues that need sorting.

miec

Hi Op

Ditto as well on Thaedydal's advice, I was also very suprised to learn you have four daughters with your partner/ husband. Two red flags came up for me, the fact he drinks 'most nights', is it a large amount and secondly, that you have little or no sex. Are the two connected?

Whilst it is disturbing to wake up and find your partner have wandering hands, etc (my partner has done the same, although he doesn't drink but he is on sleeping tablets so he has no awareness of this), I was quite shocked when you referred to him as a pervert, this is the father of your four daughters and if you look at him like that, why are you still with him? In the case of my partner, I know its accidental and I just move away but I have never looked at him as a pervert. Is there some other underlying issue? Do you like/ love your partner at all? Is he good to you? Is this symptomatic of your overall relationship?

stovelid

Unregistered wrote: »

That is rape, or sexual assault (despite how some of the male posters here view it).

Hardly.

Zombienosh

I think a few aforementioned posts have hit this on the head,
There are some underlying problems in this relationship which have nothing to do with this incident.

Someone posted something about rape somewhere, thats a bit OTT no?
If you were married to someone and had kids with someone you must surely love them? or loved them?

therefore calling them sick or a perv is f*****d up IMO.

Theres obviously something wrong to begin with. also as someone highlighted earlier he drinks a lot?

I think this whole incident is just a wake up call for the relationship as a whole.
I know if i did this to my partner or she to i, we'd probly find it "cute" or funny or i dont know anything but calling it pervy or sick. afterall i wouldnt be in love or married to a sick perv would i?

Dragan

freakedout wrote: »

When we go to bed,my b/f (when hes had a few drinks...most nights)tries it on with me while im asleep!!! I lnow this sound wierd,but iv often woke up and found him with his hands down my knickers,doing things(!).I find it very creepy and pervy.He claims not to rem the next day,but we have 4 daughters,and this kind of behaviour freaks me out as i cant even have them sleep in wit us if they are sick for fear that he really doesnt know wot hes doing.As a result,we have NO sex life,as i look at his hands and think they are the hands of a prev.
Is he a sufferer of some kind of sex problem,does he have a fetish for this sort of thing or just a plain perv?Iv tried talking to him about this but he flips the head and says im maken it all up,even though we will exchange words most nights when i push his hand away.I feel violated.

To move away from the indigination ( both myself and my girlfriend will wake up regularly with our hands all over each other, so i am aware that it can happen ).....how exactly are you mentioning it too him?

You above post is pretty angry and if you are like this at the time, with a drunk person, you might not get a lot of sense out of them.

If you are like this the next day, and use terms like perv etc etc then it IS going to make your partner defensive, don't you think?

There seems to be a good view issues feeding into this, far beyond the actual sleeping. Your fella's drinking for one, the lack of sex for another.

How exactly have you mentioned it to him, as instantly putting him on the defensive won't help with matters.

eviltwin

Once or twice I could live with but this kind of behaviour on an ongoing basis is way too serious to ignore.

I'm not sure what I find most disturbing, the fact he is doing it while drunk, the fact he doesn't remember it or ignores it, the fact you have no other form of sex life or the fact you have four girls with this man.

Some other posters have mentioned the link between this and his problem with drink...I cant see any other reason he would do it. I cant understand why you are putting yourself at risk, whats to say he might not go further with this someday? Its too sinister to just let pass by.

I dont have much advice about how to make him face up to it if he's in serious denial...maybe rather than deal with this issue you should focus on the drinking problem instead? In the meantime I would move into another bed and not allow yourself to be treated this way.

speedy2007

im not understanding how posts have somehow verged into this being the OP's problem. I love my boyf but i wouldnt find it "cute", "funny" or "sexy" if on a regular basis i was being woken up to find his hands down my knickers. Maybe a one off sure, but the OP says this is a regular event.
The fact that she has tried to bring this up with him and he has flipped the lid makes it even worse. He doesnt seem to care about how she is feeling. So yeah the OP probably does have underlying problems with the fact that her being upset by something HE is doing, doesnt seem to resonate with him at all. Esp when he could most likely stop it all by drinking less.

OP tell him if he wants to have a few drinks fine, but that he can sleep on the couch. If anything else, having your sleep disturbed most nights cant be much fun when you have 4 kids to look after the next day.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Fiend-Foe

unregistered wrote: »

I dont blame you for being disgusted, i wouldnt like to wake up with my boyfs hands down my pants either.

Why would you be disgusted? It's not like its a stranger doing it. If it was done in a disgusting way fair enough, but your boyfriend should be nice about it.

I do this sometimes and wake my girlfriend up this way.

She likes it, her reaction is nearly always positive. If she's not in the mood or too tired she just tells me and goes back to sleep.

I think the only possibly creepy thing about the OP's case is that her OH can't remember it.

daisybelle2008

freakedout wrote: »

When we go to bed,my b/f (when hes had a few drinks...most nights)tries it on with me while im asleep!!! I lnow this sound wierd,but iv often woke up and found him with his hands down my knickers,doing things(!).I find it very creepy and pervy.He claims not to rem the next day,but we have 4 daughters,and this kind of behaviour freaks me out as i cant even have them sleep in wit us if they are sick for fear that he really doesnt know wot hes doing.As a result,we have NO sex life,as i look at his hands and think they are the hands of a prev.
Is he a sufferer of some kind of sex problem,does he have a fetish for this sort of thing or just a plain perv?Iv tried talking to him about this but he flips the head and says im maken it all up,even though we will exchange words most nights when i push his hand away.I feel violated.

It is a violation. It is unacceptable that he loses the head and accuses you of making it all up, he is effectively violating you and then calling you a liar, no wonder you do not want to sleep with him.
Now maybe it is a medical condition and he is also asleep but the very least he should do is accept your word and get help with this.
If he is having memory blackout due to his drinking most nights that is an indication of an alcohol problem.
This is not consensual sex and therefore not acceptable even if he has a 'get out of jail card' with the conditions mentioned by other posters. At the moment he is telling his wife it is all in her head! That is a big issue.

Chinafoot

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Just on this point..I'm in a longterm, consensual sexual relationship and as far as I'm concerned if I'm asleep I'm not consenting and the fact that I'm in a consensual sexual relationship does not mean that consent is always a given. Without wanting to be hysterical about it, some of the replies here really bring to mind the old attitude that it can't be rape if you're married. Now I'm not for one second suggesting that the OP is being raped by her husband but the fact is she's uncomfortable with this behaviour and she feels violated. I don't think its something she should being such a hard time for.

On the point of the children being in the bed, I don't think she's calling her husband a child molester but in fairness he tells her has no recollection of his actions (to the point of accusing her she's making it up) so surely it's fair enough for her to be cautious.

As others have pointed out there is a lot more to this than just the night time activities. His drinking needs to be addressed and the OP needs to take a good long look at the realtionship. Communication is key here.

Darthhoob

whilst the being felt up in my sleep by my OH wouldn't bother me, unless i was really tired! (but i can understand it will bother some people). if he had the same attitude towards it to your hubby i WOULD have a problem with it. telling you you are imagining things is a lack of respect. a thing like this is only consensual if BOTH people say yes to it....he doesn't remember doing it (apparently) and you obviously do not consent. just because you are together it doesn't mean he gets to feel you up/have sex with you in your sleep, unless you gave him prior permission ofc. basically i agree with chinafoot, although i wont go as far as saying it is rape is certainly is a problem.

fatmammycat

Thaedydal wrote: »

when you are with a long term partner and share abed with them the lines of consent can be come rahter blurred.


Op there are issues between you and your partner, you have said that you don't have much if any of a sex life. Personally I would find it hard to sleep in the same bed as the person I was in love with, in a realtionship with and was still sexually attracted to as I now my hands may wander.

I suggest that you both look to sorting out your communication issues and maybe try not sleeping in the same bed until it is something you both want.

I'm in a long term relationship and I can tell you right now the line of consent is exactly the same as it was at the start. My OH understands a simple concept like body integrity for a start. For consent to be given the person has to be conscious at the very least. This is an absolute violation of her personhood and I'm not surprised the OP feels disgusted. What I am surprised is to see so many people telling her she might be part of the 'blame.' Here's a clue, the OP is uncomfortable with her OH pawing her in her sleep, when she says this, instead of listening to her he loses the head. Who's to blame here? NOT her.
OP- there is likely a connection betwee your partner's drinking and his memory blanks, I would discuss that with him when he's sober and cool headed and see if perhaps he can knock the drinking on the head. Hopefully that can begin the road to regaining your trust.

LegacyUser

I'm pretty amazed at the responses here.

I'm in a long-term relationship and my boyfriend sometimes touches me in my sleep, I believe his aim is to wake me up to have sex. I've always found it nice, affectionate and I'm happy that he's still that attracted to me after so many years that he can't wait for me to wake up. There are times where he's not even aware he does it. He's subconsciously doing it in his sleep.

I would never, ever see this as perversion or suspect him of being capable of rape, because I trust in him completely. I think that's where the issue is here. It isn't his behaviour that's the problem here, it's your lack of trust in him.

I don't think you should be in a LTR with someone you don't trust enough to feel safe sharing a bed with.

fatmammycat

The problem is very much HIS behaviour. The OP does not appreciate being molested in her sleep by a drunken partner. She finds it disgusting and upsetting. When she speaks to her partner about HIS behaviour he loses the head. How the hell is the problem not with him? It's fine and dandy if you or I don't mind being mounted in your sleep (I would, by the way, object and consider it rape) but this is not about what we like/don't like in our relationships. It's about the OP and what she does not like and what her partner is doing is affecting the relationship. Seriously, is the very idea of personal sovereignty alien to some people?
Newsflash- if you're sleeping with someone, you're body is still yours. If you're married to someone, your body is still yours. If you're asleep you're body is still yours, if you're awake you're body is still yours, if YOU decide to have sex it should be your decision, because you want to, not because someone takes advantage of you when you are at your most vulnerable, ie when not bloody conscious! If your partner- and mother of your children, the person you're supposed to love- comes to you and says she finds your behaviour upsetting and degrading then man the hell up and stop it, not lose the head and pretend she is a liar.

Terodil

AngelicaZ wrote: »

I'm pretty amazed at the responses here.

Me too.

AngelicaZ wrote: »

I'm in a long-term relationship and my boyfriend sometimes touches me in my sleep, I believe his aim is to wake me up to have sex. I've always found it nice, affectionate and I'm happy that he's still that attracted to me after so many years that he can't wait for me to wake up.

Reversed roles for me but yes, exactly. I love being woken by my girlfriend. I wouldn't DREAM of calling her a perv for it. That really shocked me in the OP.

I do, however, believe that being woken that way by somebody who is not awake or helplessly drunk can be very unpleasant and unwanted. But even then, I can't believe that anybody in love with their partner would call them a sick perv and potential child rapist before actually checking for a medical condition.

AngelicaZ wrote: »

I would never, ever see this as perversion or suspect him of being capable of rape, because I trust in him completely. I think that's where the issue is here. It isn't his behaviour that's the problem here, it's your lack of trust in him.

So yes I agree with this entirely -- especially the first sentence. The last -- not quite so much. I agree there is a problem here, in his resistance to act/change for sure (I mean, why does he drink if he knows it prompts such behaviour and that the OP hates it?).

TBH, though, given the OP's choice of words that shows not a shred of love but just revulsion, distrust, and even hatred, I doubt they will ever be able to bring their relationship back on track.

AngelicaZ wrote: »

I don't think you should be in a LTR with someone you don't trust enough to feel safe sharing a bed with.

So: yes. I think you should break up. Who would want to live together with a person they believe could rape their kids. Who would want to live together with a person that believed them capable of doing just that.

fatmammycat wrote: »

The problem is very much HIS behaviour.

His behaviour is the trigger, yes.

The reasons are far more complex though; e.g. the lack of love to begin with.

fatmammycat wrote: »

I would, by the way, object and consider it rape

Whoa, cool your guns here. Are you really going to try and bring your partner into prison if he dares touch you while you are asleep? ... poor guy!

Anyway, your case would be thrown out immediately if he indeed has a medical condition that renders him unable to control himself, as might be the case with this specific case of 'sleepwalking'.

fatmammycat wrote: »

If your partner- and mother of your children, the person you're supposed to love- comes to you and says she finds your behaviour upsetting and degrading then man the hell up and stop it, not lose the head and pretend she is a liar.

Yep, I agree with this much at least. But the argument can go the other way too.

If your partner -- and father of your children, the person you're supposed to love -- comes to you and says he has absolutely no recollection of what he's doing, then woman the hell up and stop losing the head and pretend that he's a rapist.

Tell him to see a doc or just lay off the drink, not go way OTT claiming he's a bloody child rapist.

fatmammycat

Terodil wrote: »

Me too.


Reversed roles for me but yes, exactly. I love being woken by my girlfriend. I wouldn't DREAM of calling her a perv for it. That really shocked me in the OP.

I do, however, believe that being woken that way by somebody who is not awake or helplessly drunk can be very unpleasant and unwanted. But even then, I can't believe that anybody in love with their partner would call them a sick perv and potential child rapist before actually checking for a medical condition.


So yes I agree with this entirely -- especially the first sentence. The last -- not quite so much. I agree there is a problem here, in his resistance to act/change for sure (I mean, why does he drink if he knows it prompts such behaviour and that the OP hates it?).

TBH, though, given the OP's choice of words that shows not a shred of love but just revulsion, distrust, and even hatred, I doubt they will ever be able to bring their relationship back on track.


So: yes. I think you should break up. Who would want to live together with a person they believe could rape their kids. Who would want to live together with a person that believed them capable of doing just that.


His behaviour is the trigger, yes.

The reasons are far more complex though; e.g. the lack of love to begin with.


Whoa, cool your guns here. Are you really going to try and bring your partner into prison if he dares touch you while you are asleep? ... poor guy!

Anyway, your case would be thrown out immediately if he indeed has a medical condition that renders him unable to control himself, as might be the case with this specific case of 'sleepwalking'.


Yep, I agree with this much at least. But the argument can go the other way too.

If your partner -- and father of your children, the person you're supposed to love -- comes to you and says he has absolutely no recollection of what he's doing, then woman the hell up and stop losing the head and pretend that he's a rapist.

Tell him to see a doc or just lay off the drink, not go way OTT claiming he's a bloody child rapist.

First of all the OP never said she didn't love her partner. She clearly does or she would have left and not bothered her bum writing here. She also never said he was a child rapist, only that he claimed when asleep he was 'unaware' of his actions.
Second. If it happened once, and the OP said 'hey buddy you did this last night and it is not acceptable' a normal person- incuding me would try not to get as ballsed in the future. Not ignore the problem and accuse the person he loved of lying.
Thirdly- she never said ANYTHING about him being a rapist of her, only that she was deeply uncomfortable with his continued actions and unwillingness to address the thing he actually does.
And YES, if my partner, had sex with me when I was unconscious you better believe I'd drop him like a snot for rape. Even though I love him- because you know what? Fcuking a person when unconscious is not love or respect, it is rape, let's call a spade a spade here. Fortunately MY man doesn't believe in taking advantage of an unconscious person. Nor is he an apologist (" poor guy" yeah right a 'touch' sends him to the poor house, pfft, hyperbole writ large) or a person confused about consent.
The OP is horrified and upset, don't pretend it's her fault, it is not.

Chinafoot

Terodil wrote: »

not go way OTT claiming he's a bloody child rapist.

Jesus Christ. Where did the OP call her husband a child rapist?

What she said was

we have 4 daughters,and this kind of behaviour freaks me out as i cant even have them sleep in wit us if they are sick for fear that he really doesnt know wot hes doing.

Considering he gets angry with her, denies all knowledge and even goes so far as to accuse her of lying, her concerns are valid. She did not call him a child rapist.

Some of the people replying her need to get beyond the fact that they personally don't mind being touched by their partner when they are sleeping. The OP does mind and her partners response to her attempts to discuss it are the issue here. The OP has not given any indication as to how long this has been going on or how many times she has attempted to speak to him about it. If someone who is supposed to love me refused to even acknowledge the issue at hand, never mind act on it, and then continued this behaviour over a prolonged period, then I'd probably be repulsed too.

Oh and in case you missed it Terodil, she did ask about medical conditions in her opening post. She also said that this happens when he drinks, which it would seem is often. But hey, lets just deride the hysterical woman who obviously couldn't possibly love her partner because she feels violated by his continued groping despite her protestations, and pin this on some medical condition.

Darthhoob

AngelicaZ wrote: »

I'm pretty amazed at the responses here.

I'm in a long-term relationship and my boyfriend sometimes touches me in my sleep, I believe his aim is to wake me up to have sex. I've always found it nice, affectionate and I'm happy that he's still that attracted to me after so many years that he can't wait for me to wake up. There are times where he's not even aware he does it. He's subconsciously doing it in his sleep.

I would never, ever see this as perversion or suspect him of being capable of rape, because I trust in him completely. I think that's where the issue is here. It isn't his behaviour that's the problem here, it's your lack of trust in him.

I don't think you should be in a LTR with someone you don't trust enough to feel safe sharing a bed with.

it's the same for me and my OH, however we have that mutual agreement, plus i do actually have a higher sex drive than him anyway. but what is nice for us is NOT always nice for someone else. and it was the OP's partner's attitude towards this that i find very off. the OP has voiced that it is NOT ok for him to do that..so why should he think it is? fair enough if he really cannot help it, but his attitude doesn;t make him seem apologetic or willing to help the matter.

THAT is the problem, THAT is why people are saying it is rape (not a saying i agree with but it IS against her wishes and he doesn't seem to give a hoot). the other problem is the alcohol it seems.

like you, if my OH felt me up i would probably jump on him, that is me and him, he knows he can do that and if i dont want to he will stop and not make me feel guilty about it, and if it made me uncomfortable he certainly wouldn't say it was in my head.

Terodil

fatmammycat wrote: »

First of all the OP never said she didn't love her partner.

Neither has she said the contrary. I stand by my point that her post displays revulsion and not an inkling of love.

fatmammycat wrote: »

Second. If it happened once, and the OP said 'hey buddy you did this last night and it is not acceptable' a normal person- incuding me would try not to get as ballsed in the future. Not ignore the problem and accuse the person he loved of lying.

Indeed, thanks for repeating the point I made too, see esp. paragraphs 3 and 4.

fatmammycat wrote: »

Thirdly- she never said ANYTHING about him being a rapist of her, only that she was deeply uncomfortable with his continued actions and unwillingness to address the thing he actually does.

No, you did, and I voiced my concern that considering fondling at night (that's what the OP described!) as rape would be way OTT.

fatmammycat wrote: »

Fcuking a person when unconscious is not love or respect, it is rape, let's call a spade a spade here.

Aye, I agree, but you missed my points entirely. Pity.

fatmammycat wrote: »

The OP is horrified and upset, don't pretend it's her fault, it is not.

I never did.

I said the relationship was broken to begin with. I agreed her OH's behaviour was unacceptable, so don't put words into my mouth.

Simply descrying the OH as a rapist is not helping the OP at all. This incident highlights the fact that there's much more amiss than him drinking.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Considering he gets angry with her, denies all knowledge and even goes so far as to accuse her of lying, her concerns are valid. She did not call him a child rapist.

Explain to me, please, how 'getting angry' and 'denying knowledge' makes it any more probable that he goes after the kids?

Chinafoot wrote: »

If someone who is supposed to love me refused to even acknowledge the issue at hand, never mind act on it, and then continued this behaviour over a prolonged period, then I'd probably be repulsed too.

Aye. I said so too, thanks for supporting my point.

Chinafoot wrote: »

But hey, lets just deride the hysterical woman who obviously couldn't possibly love her partner because she feels violated by his continued groping despite her protestations, and pin this on some medical condition.

I didn't deride the OP, at all, I just thought I'd offer more helpful advice (= get out) instead of this rape nonsense that people have been spouting on here.

fatmammycat

We all offered practical advice too, I said she ought to address the problem of his drinking. I'm pretty sure Chinafoot said much the same.
Rape, by its very definition is forcing a person to have sex without gaining their consent. Being asleep means unable to give consent. You might not like the word, but that's too bad.

Certi Layla!!

next time he comes home drunk make sure your awake but make out your asleep so when he starts at it, you will know if hes asleep or else wide awake....

i think its just the drunkin horniness but it would freak the hell out of me, seriously.

Chinafoot

Terodil wrote: »

Explain to me, please, how 'getting angry' and 'denying knowledge' makes it any more probable that he goes after the kids?

Jesus..."after the kids". If someone denies something to the point of anger then there's a pretty good chance they genuinely have no knowledge of their behaviour. The OP did not call her husband a child molester, neither did I. I said her concern there was valid, as in he's pissed up again and goes groping for her in his unconscious state and ACCIDENTALLY touches the child sleeping in between them. A young child waking up to find dad grabbing at them in a drunken state would be enough to scare any kid regardless of where they are being touched. You make it out like he's being accused of being a paedophile lusting after his own kids. Get a fúcking grip.

Your helpful advice seems to come down to "If you loved him you'd like it." She doesn't like him groping her, she doesn't like his drinking causing the groping and she doesn't like his reaction to her voicing her concerns. That is absolutely her perogative and telling her that she doesn't love her husband is not going to help her.

wexford202

Hi OP

I don't know if you are still involved in thread as there are too many posts to go through.

Do you have a spare room in your house? How about on the drinking nights your husband sleeps in the spare room? It might save a row.

Other than that put a childs water gun on your locker and any time he tries something spreay him in the face. It will certainly kill his erotic mood and maybe allow you to enjoy a nights rest.

I am not suggesting the above as a joke but whatever works. I shared a room with my sis and whenever I snored she would spray me from accross the room. Yes a bit harsh but I soon got the hang of sleeping on my side.

Jumpy

wexford202 wrote: »

Hi OP

I don't know if you are still involved in thread as there are too many posts to go through.

Do you have a spare room in your house? How about on the drinking nights your husband sleeps in the spare room? It might save a row.

Other than that put a childs water gun on your locker and any time he tries something spreay him in the face. It will certainly kill his erotic mood and maybe allow you to enjoy a nights rest.

I am not suggesting the above as a joke but whatever works. I shared a room with my sis and whenever I snored she would spray me from accross the room. Yes a bit harsh but I soon got the hang of sleeping on my side.

He is not a cat.

The OP has not replied. Do we really need to assume stuff she hasnt clarified?

ebmma

just wanted to say that if you exchanged a few words with him doesn't mean he was awake.

I went through a time when I had persistent nightmares, I would turn to OH for comfort and he'll hug me and tell me that it'll all be ok, was just a dream and he'll keep me safe. All said as a part of a small conversation, so I didn't catch on that he wasn't actually awake

It turned out later when I thanked him for being sweet that he has no memory of it all whatsoever

LegacyUser

wexford202 wrote: »

Hi OP



Maybe if you were to just do it before sleep he will have had his bit and it might not happen through the night.

I definitely disagree. Why should the OP be obliged to have sex in order to avoid unwanted sexual contact?

If the OP does not want to wake up to her boyf touching without express consent, and when she has already made it clear that she doesn't enjoy or want the situation, she is well within her rights, and should not have to try and bargain with her boyf to make it happen.

Maybe relatioship counselling is in order, as there do seem to be communication issues, and obviously where there are kids involved, it's a long-term commitment and worth fighting for?

wexford202

gatefan wrote: »

I definitely disagree. Why should the OP be obliged to have sex in order to avoid unwanted sexual contact?

If the OP does not want to wake up to her boyf touching without express consent, and when she has already made it clear that she doesn't enjoy or want the situation, she is well within her rights, and should not have to try and bargain with her boyf to make it happen.

Maybe relatioship counselling is in order, as there do seem to be communication issues, and obviously where there are kids involved, it's a long-term commitment and worth fighting for?

For a sart it is not something that her other half is aware that he is doing so how would relationship counselling help them?

I am not saying she is obliged to do anything either.

I am giving a suggestion the same as you. A suggestion is not an obligation