What is this guy doing?

LegacyUser

Met a guy about 10 weeks ago at a friends wedding. We kissed at the wedding, met up the next day and the day after. Swapped numbers. All seemed good.

He did say that he doesn't go out much. Works away during the week and has his son at the weekend. Fair enough, i'm a single parent too. The dad isn't involved so I have my son most of the time too.

He was very attentive, rang and texted every day and we'd chat for ages.

But every time we were to meet something "came up". Work, his son, alien abduction (just kidding).

After a few weeks of this I got fed up and stopped replying and stopped answering calls. I did let him know why I was doing this.
He left it for a few days then tried again and asked me out and low and behold, he cancelled.
Same thing, told him we should leave it, he left it a few days, called, arranged a date and cancelled.


After that I was very blunt, told him to do me a favour and lose my number, leave me alone, he was wasting my time etc.
That was 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since.


BUT, his sister in law, who is a good friend of mine and knew what was going on rang me yesterday. Herself and a few friends got me tickets for a gig and we're all heading to it tonight. And guess who has announced he is going???? Hasn't been out once since I met him (not a big socialiser) but just decides he's coming to this? It's my birthday celebrations by the way, which I invited him to a few weeks ago and he declined. Now he's going?

I'm a bit annoyed to say the least.
I know its a free country and I know he might be going because he wants to or because his friends asked him etc. It just seems a bit suss to me and I'm now unsure what to expect and am afraid my night out with the girls is going to be ruined. His sister in law is mad for us to get together and I don't want there to be any "issues".

What do you all think?

ManOfMystery

Constantly arranging dates and cancelling is obviously not on - was he apologetic?

Sounds to me like he's interested in you but part of him is afraid of getting back into the relationship game, hence he bottles it at the last minute every time you try and arrange something. Maybe he had a bad experience, who knows. If this is the case, then it explains why he's going to your birthday night - it's just not you and him; other people will be there and there is less pressure. It facilitates him more.

Either way it's probably drama you could do without - if he can't explain himself then just have the night out, keep it casual and civil with each other and don't let it go any further than that.

Oh The Humanity

I'd agree with keep it casual and civil too.

He sounds like a bit of a wendy, while also being high maintenance. He's letting his nerves get the better of him which is not the most attractive quality. You sound as though you are outgoing with a good sense of humour.

I don't think you two would be suited in the long run! He would drive you mad with his house hatching and nervous Norman behaviour!

Be pleasant but distant!

LegacyUser

OP here.
He never really apologised strenuously for cancelling plans. Which annoyed me moreso than the cancellation. It was always like "disaster, xyz happened so I can't meet you friday".

I know the mother of his child is still crazy about him though they were never in a relationship but she does give him a hard time and he hasn't been with anyone since his son was born, over 2 years ago.

But for me, my friends, social life and family are all very important to me. I'm not the sitting in type. I like to try and get out and I'm always popping over to friends, arranging nights out, weekends away. I am a single parent but I don't think that has to mean living like a hermit and he has some hermit tendencies.

I'll be civil but keep my distance too. Have to stay fairly sober now too. Damn! (I tend to do silly things while drinking, always thinking "ah sure, why not? What harm?"

Sarah**

I would keep it cool on the night out!

Just be really friendly and treat him like a mate. If he has something to say he will say it - should it be a reasonable explanation give him a chance. I know i know i will probably be attacked as you have given him several chances already but he could really be nervous about getting involved again or something could really have come up.

But i would act like him being there is not an issue. He can do what he wants and what will work in your favour is that all the attention will be on you for the night considering it being your birthday!

LegacyUser

Op here.
I did reply earlier but not sure if it went through.

Basically this guy hasn't been in a relationship since his son was born. It was a brief fling with the mum and she is mad about him and tends to stir trouble if he doesn't do as he's told, using the child as a weapon (all this from his sis in law).

So i guess he is pretty afraid of losing contact with his son and is therefore afraid of getting involved and upsetting his ex.

But hey, thats not my problem right? I feel bad for him but if he wanted it sorted then he needs to go to court and sort it out rather than holing himself up every weekend and running scared from every woman he meets.

I have ex issues too but I deal with them and don't let them influence my own life to that extent.

I'm a bit of a social loving gal. I love going out, I love having friends over and going away, visiting family. I do something nearly every weekend. I don't think he'd be able to handle me (I mean that in jest!)

Anyway, sure, we'll see how it goes. He might be going for his own reasons and not because of me. Perhaps it's big headed of me to be thinking that he has a hidden agenda. He might just want to go out on a Friday night. Anything is possible....

LegacyUser

Well he did show. As did the mother of his child who was boring holes in my back the whole night and following me whenever I stood up or went anywhere near him (which was all night as he was with my friends husband).
It was very uncomfortable so I did the worst thing possible and got pretty drunk. Sigh. I'll never learn!!!!

At some point late in the night I asked him why he was ignoring me...durrrr. He said he thought it was what I wanted etc. I told him I didn't want to be ignored, being friendly wasn't a problem. Anyway, we ended up talking and it was a deep and meaningful (as you do when you're drunk).
A lot of rubbish but I was fairly honest and asked a few straight up questions.

Like why he never wanted to meet me. He said "I don't know. I want to and then I change my mind. I guess if I really wanted to I would". My reply was "Ouch, well that tells me all I need to know, I'll be on my way". He then grabbed my hand and was all "I didn't mean it like that, I do like you, I just don't know what to make of you, you're so upfront and honest about everything, so sure of what you want and how to get it. And you seem so confident and then you go the other way totally and are so insecure in yourself " which, fair play to him, pretty much sums me up. I know what I want and I go for it but if I get it I don't think I deserve it or I expect to lose it. I have self esteem issues, they're just not very good ones

Then his ex came over hovering and I went. He followed me out. More chatting outside, he bared all. Was with someone (the one so he says) and he had a one nighter with the girl who was hovering, she got pregnant, "the one" dumped him for cheating and he hasn't gotten over her as far as I can tell.We kissed for a few minutes and then all of a sudden it was "I have to go home" and off he went. That was it.
I felt like such a tool!

Why do I want guys even more the worse they treat me. I must have a screw loose. If a guy is nice to me and kind I'm eyeing him warily wondering whats wrong with him. If a guy is treating me like sh*t I take it as a personal challenge Pathetic. I need some rewiring.

Oh. And I didn't leave it there! Oh no. Muppet here sent him a text when I got home. 'Course I did. It was the worse thing I could do, therefore I did it.

Along the lines of "It was good to see you and I liked it when we kissed but I was so embarrassed by the way you left like that. It was pretty humiliating to be treated that way in front of my friends. I still don't know where I stand. So here goes. I want someone who will treat me well and who is into me. If thats you then give me a call at some stage tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then I'll know where I stand and I won't contact you again"..



I'm an idiot. If anyone feels like giving me a good kicking then please do so. I deserve it. Might as well have a sign on my back reading "nice decent men need not apply".

And I have a hangover.

Katgurl

OHH YOU POOR THING.

And on your birthday, what a nightmare. Listen it all looks worse because you're hungover to f**K. what you're not taking into account it that he was probably as drunk you and details are a bit hazy.

Nothing to be embarrassed about frankly, thecontent of text wasn't bad as such, you're just feeling ****e about it because it was sent over text instead of in person & you were drunk when you sent it, but he can still read it sober.

He sounds like a headwrecker though. I mean that's a very romantic representation of his past and "the one". I bet he didnt make her feel like "the one" though; out cheating on her???? And leaving that other one hanging around obviously still thinking they have something going.


Go cold turkey on the whole thing for a bit, force yourself to forget about him.

You haven't done anythign wrong yourself btw. You scored someone, he messed you around, you told him you weren't interested in that treatment, he invited himself to your birthdady wiht another ex hanging off him, you asked what story was, all very confusing so you laid it out to him via text. the only person who should be embarrassed is him.

Go eat some junk food & soak up the hangover.

Happy birthday by the way.

LegacyUser

OP here


Thanks for the replies. Went out on saturday night with my girlies and met a nice guy (friend of a friend), decided "happy birthday to me" and brought him home.
Could have gone either way but as it happens he was a great idea. Very complimentary, boosted my ego, left it well in the morning as we had both been aware it was a ONS so no swapping numbers etc.

Made me realise plenty more fish in the sea and I don't need to be wasting my time and energy on the other guy. He didn't reply to my text which tells me all I need to know but at least my ONS distracted me for checking my phone all night waiting for a reply and moping about it all weekend.

So that old saying is true "best way to get over one man....."

Onwards and upwards

seahorse

I'd have thought it was fairly obvious there's more going on with him than meets the eye. His turning up at the same party his sons mother was at would be a pretty clear indication of that. Those are hardly the actions of a man who didnt want to be in his childs mothers company.

LegacyUser

seahorse wrote: »

I'd have thought it was fairly obvious there's more going on with him than meets the eye. His turning up at the same party his sons mother was at would be a pretty clear indication of that. Those are hardly the actions of a man who didnt want to be in his childs mothers company.

The childs mother isn't the issue. It's the girl he went out with prior to getting her pregnant that he is hung up on.

The mother of his child is hung up on him. Messy really.

LegacyUser

Well wouldn't you know, he waited a WEEK and then texted me last night asking how I was. Don't worry, I didn't reply. Just deleted the text. What a head wrecker. :rollseyes:

Warfi

whats he at wrote: »

Well wouldn't you know, he waited a WEEK and then texted me last night asking how I was. Don't worry, I didn't reply. Just deleted the text. What a head wrecker. :rollseyes:

He's messed you around for only a little while, so it'll be easy for you to move on. Just look at him as a small blip, and carry on living your life. Sounds like you have a great one with lots of supportive friends
I'd nearly feel sorry for a person like that man, he's constantly bringing hassle himself!

Blinder

whats he at wrote: »

Well wouldn't you know, he waited a WEEK and then texted me last night asking how I was. Don't worry, I didn't reply. Just deleted the text. What a head wrecker. :rollseyes:

Make sure you have deleted his number also while you're at it.
You laid it out for him in the text you sent. There could be no misunderstanding of the meaning (p.s. I definitely think that was a good thing)

The fact that he choose to ignore that and send you a text one week later, smells of game playing on his part.

dixiefly

whats he at wrote: »

"I didn't mean it like that, I do like you, I just don't know what to make of you, you're so upfront and honest about everything, so sure of what you want and how to get it. And you seem so confident and then you go the other way totally and are so insecure in yourself " which, fair play to him, pretty much sums me up. I know what I want and I go for it but if I get it I don't think I deserve it or I expect to lose it. I have self esteem issues, they're just not very good ones



Why do I want guys even more the worse they treat me. I must have a screw loose. If a guy is nice to me and kind I'm eyeing him warily wondering whats wrong with him. If a guy is treating me like sh*t I take it as a personal challenge Pathetic. I need some rewiring.

Oh. And I didn't leave it there! Oh no. Muppet here sent him a text when I got home. 'Course I did. It was the worse thing I could do, therefore I did it.

Along the lines of "It was good to see you and I liked it when we kissed but I was so embarrassed by the way you left like that. It was pretty humiliating to be treated that way in front of my friends. I still don't know where I stand. So here goes. I want someone who will treat me well and who is into me. If thats you then give me a call at some stage tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then I'll know where I stand and I won't contact you again"..



I'm an idiot. If anyone feels like giving me a good kicking then please do so. I deserve it. Might as well have a sign on my back reading "nice decent men need not apply".

And I have a hangover.

To be honest with you, if I was him and I had suspected that you had self esteem issues that text just absolutely confirmed them. I am not surprised that he took longer to get back to you.

His behaviour is certainly suspect but you dont come out of this smelling of roses either. I am sure his SIL knows him well enough to confirm that he is genuine enough otherwise she wouldnt be trying to hook you two up.

Maybe drink is an issue for you, also the one night stands with your kid in the hiouse ( I am sure last weekend wasnt the first). Maybe he is weighing up these things along with your fortright stands alternating with self esteem issues. He could be setting a very high standard based on his previous girlfriend.

As a guy who was often told that I was too nice I think that I would be wary about getting involved with you. If I knew you and liked you then some of these side issues may make me hesitate.

You can change things and you can start to attract the right kind of guys. Now I am not saying that it would become a permanent match. If you cannot handle your drink on nights that you have decided to avoid getting drunk then you should think seriously of stopping drinking completely on nights like that, you can always drink at other occasions.

I dont know what age you are but the one night stands probably wont help you get the kind of guy you say you are looking for. You may need to be patient and persevere with dates with guys you are not initially sure of and you could even try a dating agency/ website to try and meet someone outside your social circle.

Best of luck. I better go as I have wasted too much of my time today on this site and have jobs to do!.

LegacyUser

dixiefly wrote: »

Maybe drink is an issue for you,also the one night stands with your kid in the hiouse ( I am sure last weekend wasnt the first) Maybe he is weighing up these things along with your fortright stands alternating with self esteem issues. He could be setting a very high standard based on his previous girlfriend.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman in her late 20s going out and having a few drinks and one night stands if she's ok with them.

My child wasn't in the house actually. She was with my ex on an overnight stay. I would never have someone stay over if my child was there. You jumped to an assumption that is beyond incorrect.

Mr. Incognito

o be honest with you, if I was him and I had suspected that you had self esteem issues that text just absolutely confirmed them. I am not surprised that he took longer to get back to you.

His behaviour is certainly suspect but you dont come out of this smelling of roses either. I am sure his SIL knows him well enough to confirm that he is genuine enough otherwise she wouldnt be trying to hook you two up.

Maybe drink is an issue for you, also the one night stands with your kid in the hiouse ( I am sure last weekend wasnt the first). Maybe he is weighing up these things along with your fortright stands alternating with self esteem issues. He could be setting a very high standard based on his previous girlfriend.

As a guy who was often told that I was too nice I think that I would be wary about getting involved with you. If I knew you and liked you then some of these side issues may make me hesitate.

You can change things and you can start to attract the right kind of guys. Now I am not saying that it would become a permanent match. If you cannot handle your drink on nights that you have decided to avoid getting drunk then you should think seriously of stopping drinking completely on nights like that, you can always drink at other occasions.

I dont know what age you are but the one night stands probably wont help you get the kind of guy you say you are looking for. You may need to be patient and persevere with dates with guys you are not initially sure of and you could even try a dating agency/ website to try and meet someone outside your social circle.

Best of luck. I better go as I have wasted too much of my time today on this site and have jobs to do!.

This is the most patronising rubbish I have ever seen. In a long time, so she is an alcoholic, whoring, single mom who has had a string of one night stands? Based on what exactly?

Dating agencies? Find the right type of guys? What the hell would you know about finding a man, as a man?

This woman, rightly, decided not to waste her time on a loser that strung her along and stood her up not once but on several occasions.

Go you girl. I wish more people had your attitude.

As a guy who was often told that I was too nice

Well let me be the other side of the line. You sir are out of line. Badly. Back to work and leave the condecension to your own ill informed judgemental post.

dixiefly

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

This is the most patronising rubbish I have ever seen. In a long time, so she is an alcoholic, whoring, single mom who has had a string of one night stands? Based on what exactly?

I never said what you claimed I said. I did say that MAYBE drink could be a problem for her and if YOU read her postings she was not far away from that conclusion herself. She said that she wanted to stay sober but still ended up getting pretty drunk and mentioned about doing silly things when drinking. This was a big issue for her and an important night and she wanted to stay sober but, for whatever reason, she did not. I suggested that this tendency to drink a little too much could have made this guy hesitate and that could have lead to him not contacting her straight away. I think that is a reasonable conclusion.
I did suggest that the one night stands may mean she is not attracting the type of guy she seems to be looking for i.e. a guy for a longer term relationship. Maybe that is not what she is looking for but that is what she seemed to say. I never called her a whore and I would apologise to her if that is how it came across.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Dating agencies? Find the right type of guys? What the hell would you know about finding a man, as a man?

Are you for real??? Of course a guy would be able to make some suggestions regarding meeting new people!! Especially, as I suggested to try and meet someone outside her social circle. After all it is a guy she is trying to meet! Girls can also suggest ways but to imply that a man couldnt suggest where a woman could meet new men is incredible. Your stupidity in relation to this point is quite baffling.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Well let me be the other side of the line. You sir are out of line. Badly. Back to work and leave the condecension to your own ill informed judgemental post.

Well, SIR, I think that your post is more judgemental than mine.

LegacyUser

OP here. The only issue I had with dixieflys post was the condescending nature in which he suggested that this guy had very high standards from his previous partner and I didn't match up due to the fact that I had a one night stand last week (the implication that I was some sort of whore came from the fact that you jumped to the conclusion that my child was in the house when I brought a man home with me and also the suggestion that it wasn't the first time). I found that highly insulting and presumptious especially as you have no way of knowing if that was my first one night stand or whether my child was there or not. It would appear you jumped to the "single mother = irresponsible" stereotype that sadly many people have.


If this guy has such "high standards" he may want to take a look at himself. He was with the love of his life so he says. He screwed another girl and got her pregnant. Messed her around for a while denying that it was his child. Paternity tests followed, his girlfriend dumped him (as she should). If he is judging me on my past then he might want to take a look at himself. In fact, I was willing not to judge him on his past because I believe that whats past is past. Judging him on his current actions is more appropriate.

And yes, I went out and got drunk. On my birthday. Shame on me!!!! A 27 year old with no child for the night drinking slightly to excess at her birthday party I wasn't puking at the side of the road. My inhibitions were lowered, that was all.

opinion guy

whats he at wrote: »

Why do I want guys even more the worse they treat me. I must have a screw loose. If a guy is nice to me and kind I'm eyeing him warily wondering whats wrong with him. If a guy is treating me like sh*t I take it as a personal challenge Pathetic. I need some rewiring.

So rewire yourself!!!

"It was good to see you and I liked it when we kissed but I was so embarrassed by the way you left like that. It was pretty humiliating to be treated that way in front of my friends. I still don't know where I stand. So here goes. I want someone who will treat me well and who is into me. If thats you then give me a call at some stage tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then I'll know where I stand and I won't contact you again"..

I actually think that was a pretty good text. And yes the fact he didn't answer for a week tells you all you need to know.

So forget about him. Delete his number!

dixiefly

whats he at wrote: »

OP here. The only issue I had with dixieflys post was the condescending nature in which he suggested that this guy had very high standards from his previous partner and I didn't match up due to the fact that I had a one night stand last week (the implication that I was some sort of whore came from the fact that you jumped to the conclusion that my child was in the house when I brought a man home with me and also the suggestion that it wasn't the first time). I found that highly insulting and presumptious especially as you have no way of knowing if that was my first one night stand or whether my child was there or not. It would appear you jumped to the "single mother = irresponsible" stereotype that sadly many people have.

I certainly didnt mean to come across as condascending. I gave my opinion as I read your post. You asked people for their thoughts on your situation and I gave mine. Exactly what part of my post was particularly condascending?

I can assure you that you being a single mother did not in any way equate in my mind with irresponsibility. I have the utmost utmost respect for single mums and I know from the times that I am on my own at home with the kids that it is a very difficult and soul destroying task at times.

Regarding this guy, I was not saying that his standards are above yours or anyone elses but there is a fair chance that he will compare future girlfriends to his ex - at least for a while anyway. I just think what happened the night of the party didnt help your situation with him. After him telling you that someone else was "the one" and him being the one to leave you still sent that text. Drink may not be an issue at all for you and hopefully it's not and very few of us are perfect with regards to drink. I was just saying that you should be wary when your actions are influenced by drink. If you were sober I dont think you would have sent that text.

Regarding the one night stands, it is up to you what you do. I probably jumped the gun in thinking that you son was around and apologise for that. It seems that the guys you are meeting are friends of friends etc. Nothing wrong with that but if you all know each other and some of them are already exes it will be harder for you to meet a long term partner within that group.

Of course I could be wrong on this also and just dismiss my comment if that's the case. You dont know me so there is no point in getting anyway upset with my comments that are only based on my interpretation of what you wrote.

LegacyUser

dixiefly wrote: »

I certainly didnt mean to come across as condascending. I gave my opinion as I read your post. You asked people for their thoughts on your situation and I gave mine. Exactly what part of my post was particularly condascending?

I can assure you that you being a single mother did not in any way equate in my mind with irresponsibility. I have the utmost utmost respect for single mums and I know from the times that I am on my own at home with the kids that it is a very difficult and soul destroying task at times.

Regarding this guy, I was not saying that his standards are above yours or anyone elses but there is a fair chance that he will compare future girlfriends to his ex - at least for a while anyway. I just think what happened the night of the party didnt help your situation with him. After him telling you that someone else was "the one" and him being the one to leave you still sent that text. Drink may not be an issue at all for you and hopefully it's not and very few of us are perfect with regards to drink. I was just saying that you should be wary when your actions are influenced by drink. If you were sober I dont think you would have sent that text.

Regarding the one night stands, it is up to you what you do. I probably jumped the gun in thinking that you son was around and apologise for that. It seems that the guys you are meeting are friends of friends etc. Nothing wrong with that but if you all know each other and some of them are already exes it will be harder for you to meet a long term partner within that group.

Of course I could be wrong on this also and just dismiss my comment if that's the case. You dont know me so there is no point in getting anyway upset with my comments that are only based on my interpretation of what you wrote.

Apology accepted. I wasn't upset. Irritated but not upset.