Is he genuine?

LegacyUser

I've just starting seeing a friend of mine. I haven't known him an awfully long time but we get along like a house on fire and have loads in common. When we first met, I had a boyfriend so there was just platonic friendship there. One night we were really drunk and he told me he really, really liked me (which I had suspected for a while). I did like him but my bf was long term and I didn't want to cheat, so nothing happened. The friendship carried on as normal. On a few occasions, he invited me to events but I couldn't go, and he ended up hooking up with girls. In 3 months he was with 2 female friends and another random woman.

Recently, things ended with my boyfriend and my friend and I started seeing each other. He told me the other day he's been in love with me for a while. I asked how this was possible when he was sh*gging other girls and he said it was only because he thought he'd never have me, and that it meant nothing at all. Does this sound true or am I being taken for a ride? As far as I can see, the others were just a bit of fun. Help me understand!

Nervous Wreck

Sounds pretty genuine. No reason to distrust tbh.


NB: Sometimes people have casual sex.

LegacyUser

You were in a relationship. You hardly thought he should have lived like a monk when he didnt know when, if ever, you were going to split from your bf - or even if that did happen whether you would end up with him. You can't really blame him for a few casual flings before you got together.

LegacyUser

No I didnt expect him to live like a monk or anything but if he was *in love* with me, it's a bit weird to be with other people, no? I've had a (limited) amount of casual sex but never when i had feelings for someone else. To be honest I find 3 people in 3 months quite a lot for anyone and his friends seem to think so as well. When we first got together they were making jokes about him being with yet another girl.

Sinall

But you liked him while you were with someone else! It's the exact same thing - he liked you, you liked him but you were with long term boyfriend and he had a few casual hookups. He could be saying the exact same thing about you - eg "Is she genuine? She had feelings for me while she was with a long term boyfriend".

You can't expect that his feelings for you would shut down every other area of his life, especially when the prospect of being with you was nothing but a pipe dream then.

It's not weird at all that he was with other people. You need to be more realistic about this.

LegacyUser

Seems to me you expect a lot?

He declared his feelings for you and was rebuked. He then went and slept with a few people. Why would he be "faithful" to you when you were in a relationship with someone else, sleeping with someone else?

3 in 3 months may seem like a lot to you. But how long were you out of your relationship before hooking up with him? I'm guessing not long. A lot of people would find that callous or ill advised depending on the nature of the breakup.

I have casual sex. And I have had feelings for people and slept with other people when those feelings weren't reciporocated.
I might have 3 partners in 3 months and then not be with anyone for months and months.
It all depends.

Frankly I think you need to get over yourself a bit.
You can't expect that you would send this guy packing when he wore his heart on his sleeve and that he should pine for you and worship you from afar.
He shagged a few other people. No biggie.

LegacyUser

I too have feelings for my friend but have kept it hidden - we do Dvd and dinner nights and cinema once or twice a week and the last one we were under the duvet on the couch cuddling - And this is friends?!

But he constantly talks about hooking up with girls and what not - We kissed before but then said we didnt want to loose the friendship and although we are great friends we couldnt trust each other relationship wise! you know?

If you believe he loves you and has feelings for you and treats you right then stop second guessing it. Go with the flow. Perhaps relationship hoping is not the best idea but if you have feelings with him go for it.

You only live once!!

opinion guy

Abitconfused wrote: »

No I didnt expect him to live like a monk or anything but if he was *in love* with me, it's a bit weird to be with other people, no?

Actually I see where OP is coming from here. And what I would say is - maybe it WAS weird for him. Maybe he was trying to distract himself from you (would he normally have been with so many - i mean even his freinds were sayin it yeah). maybe he was even trying to make u jealous. Maybe he didn't actually sleep with them at all and was blowing a bit of guff because he couldn't handle being in love with someone he couldn't have. many possiblities.

i guess the real question should be thou - he says he loves you. you believe him ? u think he would treat you right ? u want to have a relationship with him ? if yes to all three of those then forget about whatever else happened and go for it I would think!

LegacyUser

Well, as for my relationship, things were going badly for a long, long time. We were not sleeping together anymore. I found out he'd cheated on me and that was what finally ended things for good. It's not that I expected my mate to be 'faithful' to me or anything, obviously that would be crazy, but that still seems like a lot of action to me.

I feel a bit bad for the other girls as well, as they obviously liked him and he was basically with them because he couldn't be with me (he told me this). Like, several times he invited me somewhere and when I couldn't go, he ended up with one of these other girls, because they put out, basically (in the hope of starting something with him, but he just wanted sex).

Sinall

There is a world of difference between casual sex and committed sex in a relationship. He thought you weren't going to be available so he was just getting sex when he felt like it. Maybe if he knew something was going to happen with you he wouldn't have had as much "action" - but who knows??

It sounds like he is a genuine guy who has been mad about you for a while. Does it really matter who he was with before you? Surely it's what he does now that counts. If you want to be with him and he wants to be with you and he will treat you right then it shouldn't matter if he was with 3 girls and whether they had expectations or not.

Wibbs

Sinall wrote: »

But you liked him while you were with someone else! It's the exact same thing - he liked you, you liked him but you were with long term boyfriend and he had a few casual hookups. He could be saying the exact same thing about you - eg "Is she genuine? She had feelings for me while she was with a long term boyfriend".

Exactly, or he could think "is she genuine? She stayed in a long termer even though it was over and only jumped when I came into the picture. Is she one of those who will only jump if there's something to jump to?", or "Is she genuine or could this be a rebound?" There are any number of things he could think if he decided to go down that route. Wouldn't make them true though would it?

You can't expect that his feelings for you would shut down every other area of his life, especially when the prospect of being with you was nothing but a pipe dream then.

It's not weird at all that he was with other people. You need to be more realistic about this.

+1 I can understand some of where you're coming from, but it feels as much an ego thing as anything and seems a pity to bring it into your new relationship.

LegacyUser

Wibbs I see your point, but I did entirely the opposite of jumping when my mate came along. I knew he really liked me but I felt a loyalty to my boyfriend - surely if I was looking for an 'out' I'd have taken it when I found out my friend liked me. I found out my boyfriend cheated so that ended the relationship, and then when I was single I started seeing my friend. Normally I'd have waited longer out of respect for my ex, but after the way he treated me, I don't think he deserved any.

Wibbs

Oh no all I was saying is that he could think like that if he wanted to and on the surface he may even have reason to. It doesn't make it so though does it? He would be projecting his worries and insecurities onto you even when there was no reason to. Sound any way familiar?

Gyalist

Abitconfused wrote: »

I feel a bit bad for the other girls as well, as they obviously liked him and he was basically with them because he couldn't be with me (he told me this). Like, several times he invited me somewhere and when I couldn't go, he ended up with one of these other girls, because they put out, basically (in the hope of starting something with him, but he just wanted sex).

I've got news for you. There are lots of women who want sex but don't want a relationship either. Who is to say that these women wanted to be in a relationship with him?

LegacyUser

I know the girls. One of them he was seeing after he broke up with his ex, she was really keen on him but he was just on the rebound. He hooked up with her but she definitely wanted more - she said it to his mates (who I know quite well). Similar story with the other girl. They seemed to think they could win him over by sleeping with him and were annoyed/sad when it didn't happen.

Sinall

Abitconfused wrote: »

I know the girls. One of them he was seeing after he broke up with his ex, she was really keen on him but he was just on the rebound. He hooked up with her but she definitely wanted more - she said it to his mates (who I know quite well). Similar story with the other girl. They seemed to think they could win him over by sleeping with him and were annoyed/sad when it didn't happen.

But what does this have to do with you and him? Do you really want to be with him?

LegacyUser

Yes I do but its still early days and i want to be sure he's being genuine. As for what it has to do with me, well the girls are still sniffing around (asking mates about me, chatting to him on facebook etc) and also his mates seem to think hes going from one girl to the next.

Sinall

Abitconfused wrote: »

Yes I do but its still early days and i want to be sure he's being genuine. As for what it has to do with me, well the girls are still sniffing around (asking mates about me, chatting to him on facebook etc) and also his mates seem to think hes going from one girl to the next.

Don't see these girls as a threat - if he had wanted something more with them he would have had it, back when you were still with your boyfriend.

Just because his friends are insinuating he's going from girl to girl does not mean that this is true. People could insinuate the same about you, but it's not true.

If you've been friends with him for a while then you will know if he is a genuine, good guy or not.