Confronting my abuser

LegacyUser

A long time ago and for more than a decade I was subjected to inappropriate behaviour by a neighbour. This was mostly verbal - sexual innuendo which no adult should ever say to a child and regular invites to go for a drive in the country which would be 'our little secret' - but there was also some touching which although not overtly sexual nevertheless made me very uncomfortable.
I now want to confront this person. I'm not sure exactly what my motive is or what I want to say but I really feel the need to do this. I feel as if this person still casts a dark shadow over my life and that somehow by confronting them I can finally move on.
I have thought about this for a very long time and much as I want to take thiis action I have no idea whether it is the right thing to do or whether there are other better ways of dealing with this.
This is a big issue for me and your thoughts and advice would be really appreciated.

wexford202

I suppose OP if it will could give you the closure you need you should do it.

I think only you will know if you should or not.

I probably would if I were in your shoes.

Nevyn

Have you been for counselling to deal with this issue?

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here, thanks for replying.
No Thaed, I've never got counselling. I suppose I never knew if I needed it. Although i'm not happy about what was done to me I never let it get me down. I just carried on regardless.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I have had a similar experience where my dad molested my sister and was perverted towards us all in how he spoke, we never lived with him but were sent up to give my mother a break.


The similar thing is that it did effect me as much as it did my sister even though i was never touched, I was spied on and my underwear stolen etc, but i was so confused for years because my family were not supportive in working through the abuse and my mother said she knew he was perverted but she still thought it was best to send us up there.


Anyway i did therapy for the sexual abuse with other survivors in a group and it really helped me move forward, I would advise that it may not be a good thing to resolve this openly with the neighbour, for your sake, because you may want to try resolve it with yourself first with the support of a therapist, it is invaluable support, where you may get a terrible back lash from your family and neighbours for ousting it all, I know in my group therapy all of us who had brought it out in the open were shunned and rejected and told not to per-sue it,

If i were you i would seek a therapist, and get advice from there she may suggest reporting it to the local police, but to confront this guy on your own may wreak havoc on your life, your main goal is to heal from this experience protecting yourself as much as possible, you would be surprised how much talking can help because it validates you and your experience and also then you know the truth, the only person you need to convince that this was unjust is you, once you resolve it in yourself you can then be in a place to act but i would not advise to do it before you worked it all out.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

If nothing else starting the thread is helping me to really think out this whole issue.

I want to confront this person to see what if anything they have to say for themselves.
I don't expect an apology but I feel the need to do something that will make it clear to this person that all these years later what they did hasn't gone away. This person may well deny everything which is likely to make me very angry and I'd sooner not go down that road. Indeed it's why I avoided a confrontation at the weekend when an opportunity presented itself.

I have never given full consideration to either counseling or going to the police. Even though I am the victim I feel as though I am making trouble by seeking professional help.

I should add that I recently dealt with my drinking which was becoming a problem. While this has nothing to do with the abuse, being sober has changed my life immeasurably and I now feel empowered to take on things that I was not capable of dealing with before.
This is why I want to deal with this now.

Emme

[quote=[Deleted User];62214573]More importantly have you reported this behaviour, there could be other kids he could be at that with.[/quote]

I'd definitely get counselling, and this guy's antics should be reported as well. Confronting him might give you closure, but it's important he doesn't do that sort of thing again and get away with it.

LauraLoo

hiya, i agree with TEAR,

It may be best to attend a group or counsellor first and get your own head around it before you confront the neighbour.

ask yourself- what are your expectations of this confrontation? do you expect the abuser to take responsibilty and apologise? Do you want the opportunity to be angry and stand up for yourself? what do you see happening at this confrontation?

i ask you to think about this because what you want from him you may not get and you could end up more hurt and more violated.

you can get closure within yourself- you dont need him to do it and there are loads of professionals and experienced people out there who can help you heal this from a compassionate point of view, rather than a confrontational point of view

Snowie

Thaedydal wrote: »

Have you been for counselling to deal with this issue?

I aggree, it would be the best way to confront this, going directly, to the cource may open a kettle of fish you may not be able to handle .

But that anger with in you is a great motivation toi fueling you to sort out these things.

But make sure you nurture your self at the moment, eat chocklate remind your self what your good at.

hope this helps

and good luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think the drinking has to be related to your past and any major traumatic events will add to the emotional state you grow into, When emotions are repressed they come out in other forms and using alcohol is an effective way to feel free from the pain at times.

I dont think you can just say I have no problem with drink anymore, to understand yourself and why you drank so much you do need to see a therapist and work it out and get to the root of your problems, you dont need to cope with all this on your own, you need more emotional skill to process it, confronting your neighbour alone may be something you regret.

Reflector

I think with all the media attention that a lot of people are remembering things and it seems that a lot of people have a lot of experiences with child abuse but yours does seem to be less severe compared to some. Although what you describe seems mild it is still an issue for you and maybe other children were subjected to those secret country trips. I would definitely recommend talking to a counsellor as it will organise your feelings and you may get a better idea of what a confrontation may achieve for you as it may do nothing but to dig up the past which may be better left there.
Also does your family live near to this person still as telling your parents/siblings may be a good idea as this person should be exposed in the sense that they should not be trusted around children. Ideally they should have been exposed during the events but even still you may save another child from these experiences or possibly worse and you may not even have to confront them if that is not what you want to do.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Again thanks for the continued responses. It's given me an awful lot to think about.

One thing that's been repeated is that I get counselling.
Can someone tell me where I might seek information on counselling?
Would my doctor be able to provide such information?

username123

confront or not wrote: »

Again thanks for the continued responses. It's given me an awful lot to think about.

One thing that's been repeated is that I get counselling.
Can someone tell me where I might seek information on counselling?
Would my doctor be able to provide such information?

Yes, your doctor will be able to help in that area.

But before you go spending money on a doctor visit I suggest you phone the rape crisis centre and ask them for advice, I have a friend who suffered abuse as a child, not actual rape - but the rape crisis centre were brilliant and gave her the names of a couple of different counsellers experienced in the area, one of which she attended and found great. She was initially reluctant to call, seeing as she hadnt actually been raped, nor was it a crisis - it was years in her past. None of that matters to them, they will help you.

There are also free counselling services available and the local Public Health Nurse would be able to advise you on that too if money is an issue.

Be aware that counselling is likely to be quite a long process and results are not fast, but it is worth every minute and every penny if you go in there with an open attitude and are willing to express yourself and move on.

A counseller will also advice you on a confrontation or any legal action you may wish to take.

Best of luck - I hope you feel better soon.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I went to Laragh in clontarf for the group therapy and ~Arduna http://www.arduna.ie/ in clontarf for the one on one, It is very important to get a good therapist, I recommend a psychotherapist, councellors are not as trained IMO,

The rape crisis centre did not suit me because i felt it was for people who needed crisis therapy, they wanted me to report my dad before i even got to talk about it and i wasnt ready to, so i found a really good therapist trained in physical and sexual abuse and i worked with her and then reported my dad which was right for me. But that was just my experience.

But if you google psychotherapy in your area you should find a link,


Just wondering if your family know, and can you get some support there, if you did confront the neighbour what would they think- would they want to confront him too?