haunted by past.

LegacyUser

I am a 25 year old guy who has a very coloured history when it comes to women.

Long and short of it, I was a pr1ck. I did terrible things to girls that I know were wrong and cant defend them. A particularly bad incident forced me to change my ways as I realised I had left a wake behind me filled with tears. So that was about 2 1/2 years ago and today I am getting on great, I have a very loving relationship with a girl who means the world to me, I would never cheat on her in a million years and I know she is the same. Without sounding too arrogant I was very proud of myself for changing my ways and getting my life sorted. Also, I am immensly happy that I am sharing such a deep love with such an amaziong girl.
All my friends know that I consciously made the change and they too are proud of me.

So whats the problem I hear you say?

Well, I live in a small enough town, well not really that small but this is Ireland after all. People dont forget. I met a girl who I hadnt exctly been fair with in the past, she had had a few beers and began shouting at me and getting upset. I didnt say anything back I just stood there and dealt with it. She then said something to me that cut me so deep. "People like you are the reason I stay awake at night praying I never have a daughter".

I went cold. I just stood there in shock. I couldnt believe that I had it in me to make someone so hurt. Again I must stress, I have changed so much when I think back its like thinking about another person.

So what now? I dont know what to do with myself. I keep thinking about it.

I feel like I should do something to try and make it all right. Not for me, but for the hurt I have caused. I have come to terms with what happened as regards I am concerned.

This is really tearing me apart.

username123

So you treated women badly, then you decided to change your ways, are now proud of yourself (why is that I wonder? I dont get where the pride is in not being a nasty person?), and now youve come across someone from your past who let you know exactly what they thought of you?

What exactly is the problem? Did you expect that this person was going to think well of you, after youve already acknowledged that you were nasty to them?

There are some hurts you cant take back, Id imagine thats the reason why most people dont go round hurting other people. If youve developed a conscience years after spreading bad feeling then you cant really expect the recipents of your bad behaviour to have had similar epiphanies and think youre a great guy now. Unfortunately you are going to have to deal with the fact that you treated people bady and hurt them in the past and just try to make sure you dont go doing it again.

If I were you I wouldnt bother trying to make things right with anyone, if youve hurt people and they have now moved on then just leave them to it, youd only be doing it to massage your own ego, not to help any of the people involved who may not want bad memories brought up or a declaration of apology from someone who believes they are different now.

If you want to feel good about yourself then just continue to be a better person and accept that your past behaviour was wrong.

Chinafoot

Unregistered wrote: »

I am a 25 year old guy who has a very coloured history when it comes to women.

Long and short of it, I was a pr1ck. I did terrible things to girls that I know were wrong and cant defend them. A particularly bad incident forced me to change my ways as I realised I had left a wake behind me filled with tears. So that was about 2 1/2 years ago and today I am getting on great, I have a very loving relationship with a girl who means the world to me, I would never cheat on her in a million years and I know she is the same. Without sounding too arrogant I was very proud of myself for changing my ways and getting my life sorted. Also, I am immensly happy that I am sharing such a deep love with such an amaziong girl.
All my friends know that I consciously made the change and they too are proud of me.

So whats the problem I hear you say?

Well, I live in a small enough town, well not really that small but this is Ireland after all. People dont forget. I met a girl who I hadnt exctly been fair with in the past, she had had a few beers and began shouting at me and getting upset. I didnt say anything back I just stood there and dealt with it. She then said something to me that cut me so deep. "People like you are the reason I stay awake at night praying I never have a daughter".

I went cold. I just stood there in shock. I couldnt believe that I had it in me to make someone so hurt. Again I must stress, I have changed so much when I think back its like thinking about another person.

So what now? I dont know what to do with myself. I keep thinking about it.

I feel like I should do something to try and make it all right. Not for me, but for the hurt I have caused. I have come to terms with what happened as regards I am concerned.

This is really tearing me apart.

With all due resepct OP, the fact that you are a different person now is entirely irrelevant to this girl. You hurt her. You said yourself your actions were indefensible so I don't see how you can be surprised at how hurt this girl was when she saw you.

Any attempt to "make it right" would of course be for you. What do you think it will achieve for this girl? The fact that you've changed doesn't erase your past behaviour for this girl. My advice on that score would be to stay out of her way. She needs to make her own way in dealing with her past hurts and from the sounds of it, you won't be a help.

If you treat someone like shít there will be repercussions. If it makes you feel better (and please don't kid yourself that you are doing it for anyone but yourself) apologise to those you have wronged and leave it at that. Don't be surprised if you get told to go take a jump.

helimachoptor

Ignore it OP, most people myself included have treated women bad in the past. Looking back on it i cant beleive I was that much of a pr*ck, wouldnt be a hope of me doing something similar now.

MizzLolly

I feel sorry for the girl in your post. You obviously hurt her very badly if she still lies awake thinking of what you did to her. I can empathise with her, I've also had countless sleepless nights over how one particular guy treated me and to be honest, if he came back into my life, all loved up and 'sorry', I'd feel sick. Just because you've changed and turned your life around you can't expect everyone you hurt in the past to just forget it and move on. I find it so sad that you describe yourself as happy and with an amazing girl when this poor lady is still awake at night thinking over everything you did to her. I don't want to begrudge you your happiness, I just think it's awful that you've moved on and landed on your feet when the people you've hurt are still reeling from it. I know if you were my ex I wouldnt be sitting there drinking with you because I know I'd share exactly the same feelings as your ex does.

It's good that you're happy now. Just leave the ex's alone and be glad you've been so lucky to find yourself so happy. You've obviously done a lot of damage and whether you've changed or not won't undo any of that or make a blind bit of a difference to the women you've hurt. I know that there are gona be many people disagreeing with my post but when you say you've changed it's just too little too late for the people you've messed around. As an outsider to your situation I say well done for copping onto yourself but as someone who's been hurt and betrayed by somebody similar to you, I couldn't give a toss about your happiness now. Don't try to 'fix' anything. You're in a happy relationship and you feel good, just cut your losses and treat this lady like gold. The rest don't owe you a damn thing though, so don't go looking to them for forgiveness now that you've found yourself feeling sorry. Just take it as a lesson well learned that sometimes your actions can leave a long and devestating effect on another person that simply cannot be undone.

opinion guy

hey OP.
right speaking from the perspective of someone who has both been the mean one, and received the mean treatment (for ultimately what goes around comes around), and also gone on to change like you and reflect back on things i'll say this.

1. you can't change the past. you did what you did. people got hurt.
2. you changed and became someone else. thats admirable and well done.
3. its up to the people who got hurt to either forgive and move on or not. nothing you can do about that. the only thing you can do is sincerely apologise. once. if someone accepts it then great. if not then ok. their choice. if someone chooses to get drunk and scream at you - also their choice. nothing you can do about that.

don't get me wrong I am not oblivious to the pain of this girl. it really sad that she is in that much pain. and you should feel sad about that. but ultimately i think people are responsible for dealing with their own pain. you did what you did. but its in the past. and she needs to deal with it herself. hmmmm let me put it another way - if she is so upset to be screaming at you in public - a) shes not achieving anything to help herself in doing that and b) theres nothing you or anyone else can do about it. she needs to solve it herself. and the only thing you can do is endeavor not to hurt someone like that again.

I am particularly reminded of a friend who i unintentionally hurt. she stayed sore at me for ages. for 2 years she gave me attitude before she said anything. we had it out and i made an honest apology. but she still remained sore at me. after another 6 months of attitude i realised she wasn't going to accept the apology. and then i stopped feeling bad about it because i realise if she wanted to hold onto it then thats not my fault -i had done all i can do. end result is we each lost a friend. thats life. move on. make sure it doesn't happen again

Bottle_of_Smoke

Is the "bad stuff" you did all legal?

I'm just wondering was it a case that you cheated/left them whatever or did you physically abuse/assault these women?

If its the former I'd just say f#ck it. All's fair in love and war. They should be getting on with their lives and not be mouthing off at you. Forget em.

Sarah**

I think you are lucky to have gotten away with her words hurting you.

To be honest i relate to the girl in the respect that in the past i too have been hurt by men who have now turned their life around and expect me to be a happy bunny for them and accept them saying hello with a smile.

I sometimes wonder how they can rationalise the way they treated me. And i too have posed the question - would you allow a guy to treat your little girl the way you are treating me?!

Stop trying to make yourself feel better! You have to accept the consequences of your actions - Just because you are ready to move on and change your life and forget your past does not mean all the girls you have hurt are.

Takes time to mend a broken heart - sometimes it cant be mended at all.

Its called Karma.

metrovelvet

In any kind of recovery making ammends is part of the process. I think a lot of people are being very hard on you, although that is qualfied by not knowing exactly what you did.] The thing about causing pain, whether by sadistic intention, or by plain old selfish inconsideration, is that you can underestimate its far reaching effects, this may have eben affected people you havent met, because those people will have had to deal with these people's pain.

I dont really have a solution for you, except to accept the things you cannot change, which is the past. It's just something you will have to live with, knowing that there are people hurting because of you.

At the same time, the grudge bearer must also take some accountabillity for being able to let things go, after all it is the bearer who carries the weight.

Novella

You freely admit that you've done some awful things in your past so why exactly are you surprised at this girls reaction to you? Just because you are happy now, doesn't mean that the people you hurt are. It seems like you are feeling bad now and you want forgiveness just to make yourself feel better about the situation. I don't really pity you because you've stopped acting like a nasty person. Is that what you expected? People to think, "Great, he isn't a dick anymore!"?

I obviously don't know exactly what you did but considering what this particular girl said to you, I'd imagine it was fairly terrible. She is clearly living with a lot of hurt due to you and perhaps your cross to bear is the guilt that you caused this.

I honestly don't think that you should be proud of yourself. All you are doing now is not treating people like crap. Why is that so amazing? I expect that from people anyway.

What you should do now is count yourself lucky that you have a woman who loves you and who you love and treat her as she deserves to be treated. Leave the past where it is and don't go looking forgiveness because you will just drag things up again, unnecessarily. I doubt any of these girls want to hear from you and the fact that you're only feeling bad about what you've done now speaks volumes to me.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I think this woman, at least, deserves some sort of apology.

It's so sad that some people can be so inconsiderate and hurtful to others. Some hurt will never be healed, but at least the effort of making a heart-felt apology should be the minimum one should do.

LegacyUser

OP, most people hurt others in their lives. Sad but true.

If its any consolation, I'm a woman who been 'apologised to' by more than one scoundrel from my past, and yes, it HAS helped; it has helped me make sense of things and put the past behind, though thats only happened years later when it was already ancient history. It turns 'a man who hurt me' into just an ordinary flawed bloke.

I assume that you apologised for the past during this recent incident? It might take her a bit of time to process your apology but somewhere in her mind it will mean something I'm sure.

I don't think any more contact is a good idea right now but maybe if you ever meet her out again say 'hello, how are you' and be civil, treat her like a decent human as she always should have been treated, nothing more, nothing less. She will develope a fuller picture of things over time.

opinion guy

ok I resisted saying this earlier.
I think alot of you are being hard on the OP cause someone hurt you in the past. Furthermore, and its rare i quote the bible - 'let ye who has not sinned, cast the first stone'. Would you have us believe that none of ye ever did anything that badly affected someone ? Cause i can tell you this, several good, kind honest ladies did horrible scarring things to me withou even realising it - purely out of obliviousness. I've not gotten any apologies, but I don't need them cause i dealt with it. I would tend to view these people as immature and they have my pity if anything. And actually its hard to change. its a diffcult process to go thru. Myself personally, I hurt people sometimes without realising it. the turning point to me was when i lost someone really special to me and realised i had driven them away. that realisation took months. it wasn't an easy realisation to suddenly see you'd gotten things all wrong and done things you wish you could take back. I'm not saying we should be giving the OP a medal or anything, but i do think you should all stop beating him up because he did something nasty in the past. And like i said - we don't know what he did, maybe he's a guy with an overactive conscience and its not as hideous as the OP made it seem. (actually OP - no pressure, but can u give us a clue what level of insult u inflicted on this lady?). And lest we forget - this girl got locked and started publicly throwing insults at the guy. Yeah maybe he deserved it but how do we know she doens't do this every night of the week to whatever ex she happens to bump into ?

seriously you are all making too many assumptions about this. Stop beating up the OP when we don't really know all the facts.

[Jackass]

Hey man, you ever seen that TV show "My name is Earl"?

I'm not even joking......do up a list of all the sh*tty things you did, contact the people and more than anything, just apologise, but more than that, see how they're doing and if you can make it up to them.

Most will tell you to go and fu*k yourself, and that's fair enough, but if you do it for the genuine reason of wanting to make amends and not just so you can feel better about yourself, well, short of having the ability to travel through time, there's not much else you can do to put past wrongs right.

It might sound stupid at first, but think about it, if you made people feel that sh*t about themselves, maybe you've left them with issues...maybe if they realise that this has haunted you they might think "Maybit wasn't my fault or maybe it's not me or maybe it wasn't that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough" or whatever!

A bit of humility, and you'll probably be laughed at and abused most of the time, probably even told to get over yourself, but now it's their turn, and if they choose to try and make you feel like sh*t, that's their porogative, but all you're trying to do is make amends for the past.

Maybe even write down a few thoughts on it and reasons on why you want to do it, and you could open with that when contacting people to apologise.

Novella

opinion guy wrote: »

ok I resisted saying this earlier.
I think alot of you are being hard on the OP cause someone hurt you in the past. Furthermore, and its rare i quote the bible - 'let ye who has not sinned, cast the first stone'. Would you have us believe that none of ye ever did anything that badly affected someone ? Cause i can tell you this, several good, kind honest ladies did horrible scarring things to me withou even realising it - purely out of obliviousness. I've not gotten any apologies, but I don't need them cause i dealt with it. I would tend to view these people as immature and they have my pity if anything. And actually its hard to change. its a diffcult process to go thru. Myself personally, I hurt people sometimes without realising it. the turning point to me was when i lost someone really special to me and realised i had driven them away. that realisation took months. it wasn't an easy realisation to suddenly see you'd gotten things all wrong and done things you wish you could take back. I'm not saying we should be giving the OP a medal or anything, but i do think you should all stop beating him up because he did something nasty in the past. And like i said - we don't know what he did, maybe he's a guy with an overactive conscience and its not as hideous as the OP made it seem. (actually OP - no pressure, but can u give us a clue what level of insult u inflicted on this lady?). And lest we forget - this girl got locked and started publicly throwing insults at the guy. Yeah maybe he deserved it but how do we know she doens't do this every night of the week to whatever ex she happens to bump into ?

seriously you are all making too many assumptions about this. Stop beating up the OP when we don't really know all the facts.

Everyone has been hurt by someone in the past. Also - I will be the first to stand up and say that I've done things in the past that were far from nice. The fact here is, though, that the OP hasn't been feeling bad about his previous actions until this girl "cut him deep". Now he feels guilty. What does he want? Loads of sympathy?

He wasn't affected by what he had done until now so that suggests a huge lack of remorse to me. He wants to settle things for himself, so that he can feel better and I don't like that.

I'd feel for him if he actually regretted his actions.

opinion guy

Ok Novella I suggest you go and reread the OP's post.

Unregistered wrote: »

......A particularly bad incident forced me to change my ways as I realised I had left a wake behind me filled with tears.

Clearly he felt guilty and remorseful about his prior behaviour when he was aware of the hurt caused

.....I met a girl who I hadnt exctly been fair with in the past, she had had a few beers and began shouting at me and getting upset. I didnt say anything back I just stood there and dealt with it. She then said something to me that cut me so deep. "People like you are the reason I stay awake at night praying I never have a daughter".

I went cold. I just stood there in shock. I couldnt believe that I had it in me to make someone so hurt.

Hadn't exaclty been fair with. I just stood there in shock. I couldn't believe that I had it in me to make someone so hurt.

Clearly OP did not realise he had hurt this person so badly. How exaclty was he to feel remorseful if he didn't know he'd hurt her like this ? In fact now that he does know he is horrified with himself. So clearly on learning the truth he instantly felt guilty and remorseful

I feel like I should do something to try and make it all right. Not for me, but for the hurt I have caused.

He wants to make it right, not for him, but for hurting her. That doesn't sound selfish to me

Novella thats at least two of your assumptions that are mistaken. Please rethink things before tying a noose for OP

OP really I don't mean to pry. but was what you did to this girl really so awful ? is it possible she is overreacting ?

Monkey61

I also think people are being ridiculously harsh on the OP. He did some awful things (though awfulness is so relative, who knows what it actually was), grew up and realised how awful they were and changed himself. That is admirable. It takes courage and determination to change your own character and break familiar patterns of behaviour. People spend years in therapy trying to make positive changes and the OP did it by himself; fair play I say.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone hurts people. It is the way life is. Obviously this is a difficult one because we don't know what the OP did exactly to the particular girl in question - but she could have major issues of her own, none of the OP's fault, which caused her to react in such an extreme way.

Personally, if you think it is warranted OP, and if you haven't already, I would sincerely apologise, explain that you have now realised that you were a complete sh*t and that you never meant to hurt her so badly. An apology means an awful lot I think. I once, three years later, got an apology from an ex who cheated on me and a weight that I had been carrying around for years finally evaporated, we are now quite good friends after years of my bitterness. Actually it happened a second time as well, when another ex apologised for treating me badly and said that I had deserved so much more. I had already made my peace with her, but it still meant a lot to hear. Carrying around so much anger and bitterness with the past is never healthy and can really weigh on one's mind.

opinion guy

opinion guy wrote: »

its up to the people who got hurt to either forgive and move on or not ...ultimately i think people are responsible for dealing with their own pain.

Sure, and this applies to the OP ... he's in pain now, he should just deal with it.

opinion guy wrote: »

Would you have us believe that none of ye ever did anything that badly affected someone?

Believe it or not, there are many, MANY people out there who actually never did such terrible things to people that they knew were wrong and couldn't defend them until a particularly bad incident FORCED them to change their ways as they realised they'd left a wake behind them filled with tears.

This girl cut the OP so deep he went cold and stood there in shock ... he knows perfectly well if he deserved it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I had a very brief relationship last year where the guy ended up treating me so badly (not abusive but just acting like a total b"sterd, especially how he dumped me, that it has taken me until now to trust another person, so I can only imagine what the girl in your life is going through. I saw my ex the other day and all those old feelings and insecurities came flooding back. He had made me feel ugly (I used to be a model, not boasting just giving some perspective) and worthless, like I didn't deserve a nice man in my life. I thank god every day I'm not with him any more and feel sorry for any woman who ends up with him because he just doesn't know how to treat women like people-use them and lose them seemed to be his attitude.
Anyway, if he came over to apologise I think I would lose it myself and would not be responsible for my actions. Even though I'm with a lovely man who makes me feel amazing and is always telling me how beautiful and funny I am I still get doubts because of how my ex made me feel. Last night in bed with my current bf I had a dream about ex and had to sneak out to the bathroom to have a little cry because even having him in dreams makes me mad. You can do nothing to make amends for what you did. In fact, it sounds like you jsut want to make yourself feel better. You feel bad-you should. You cannot treat people badly and expect to move on and life be a bed of roses. Feeling bad is something you have to live with and its the punishment for what you did. Trust me, nothing you can say to that girl will help.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel like I should do something to try and make it all right. Not for me, but for the hurt I have caused. I have come to terms with what happened as regards I am concerned.

This is really tearing me apart.

There's nothing you can do. She is under no obligation to to nice to you. I wouldn't bother with an apology either. Imagine if it was the other way round and she did to you what you did to her, and she comes up to you a few years later and says "sorry i was a terrible person and hurt you but im much better now and have a boyfriend who i really love". What use is that to someone?

The brutal honest truth here is you turned your life around because you wanted to, but she doesn't have to care.

Emme

Wagon wrote: »

There's nothing you can do. She is under no obligation to to nice to you. I wouldn't bother with an apology either. Imagine if it was the other way round and she did to you what you did to her, and she comes up to you a few years later and says "sorry i was a terrible person and hurt you but im much better now and have a boyfriend who i really love". What use is that to someone?

The brutal honest truth here is you turned your life around because you wanted to, but she doesn't have to care.

I don't know what you did, but she seems to be really annoyed. It's up to her if she wants to forgive you or not and clearly she doesn't.

I've been hurt by guys in the past in different ways. There's the players who cheated on me but didn't do any major harm - we were all young and single. I've moved on and forgiven them and will happily talk to them again. Then there's a guy who physically abused me when I moved in with him. I have definitely not forgiven him, would not give him the time of day and feel sorry for his wife and children. He has a daughter now so maybe seeing her grow up will make him realise the error of his ways - I'd imagine he will be in bits when she grows up and starts meeting guys.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the feedback guys, even if some of it was a little harsh to read.

Just one thing to clarify, there was a question asked, "was everything legal"

YES, Very, though I'm sure if you asked any scorned parties they would tell you it shouldn't be.

From all the posts and a lot of help from some very close friends I have decided what to do.

Though the "my name is earl" approach was enticing, dont think it would work.

I wont go around on a mission of apologies, if I am ever confronted by someone about my past, I will apologise once with sincerity. After that, there really isnt much more I can do.

And, the girl I am seeing at the moment, she is fully aware of my past and I intend to treat her as well as she deserves, which is like royalty.

Thanks again, peace.

LegacyUser

Great response OP.


And don't mind some people here. An apology does have meaning and I for one would rather get one than not.

opinion guy

Hey OP
I hope we all collectively helped then ?

I have to say I was curious what your current girlfriends opinion was. I think thats more important than us randomers on the interweb. I find it reassuring thah you didn't do anything to horrendous that she knows the score and is not scared off by it.

I have to say. In my mind I'm reading this as u probably being quite a thoughtful person being quite hard on yourself, although i don't doubt you did something selfish. Can I pry - or can you give us some clue as to what manner of crime u committed on this girl? Partly out of morbid curiousity, partly because I think people on here might learn something about their assumptions (me included).

I guess I'm curious what people generally think merits such a response from a hurt person and if the reality might make some people reconsider their attitude. Feel free not to tell us, but if you feel like it its all anonymous and all that.