Leave my wife

Undecidedsofar

I am looking for some advise.

I have been married for 6 years now and I believe I live in a loveless marriage and I want out.

I believe my wife does too but she also lacks the courage to end it. We don't have kids but have a mortgaged house. I fear the practicalities of having to sell the house and end up with nothing (in today's climate) which is a real concern but I could easily get over that and start renting again tough as that may be.

In the short-term it will be tough but in the long-term it will be good for both of us to split I believe. I just wish my wife could come to the same realisation.

There is no physical abuse in our marriage at all but no real love. We seem to accommodate each other. Yes I know we made the decision to marry but we simply did not think it through.

I feel (from her side) that she is not interested in anything I do be it work or leisure related. And when I would need a lot of support for a personal/work project I know I won't get it. During our time together I have cut myself off from all of my friends in order to make this marriage work and now it hurts me.

To ensure that my wife knew that I was supporting her I took a great interest in everything she did and supported her in what she wanted to do, learn and in making new friends (as she is not from Ireland) yet it has not been genuinely reciprocated.

When we 'argue' we don't actually even do that. Whenever there is an issue to be discussed she doesn't say anything but instead goes into a silent sulk/strop which could last days on end were I not to make the effort to re-open discussions.

I believe that this is a form of passive agressive bullying. I have put this to her and it seems to get a reaction and I think she is very aware of what she is doing.

I never feel comfortable discussing anything of note with her for fear it will end in an arguement and then days of silence. It is really unbearable and the one word I would use to summarise our marriage is 'suffocating'

I would dearly welcome any advsie you can give as I have been suffering this for over 6 years as has she.

Thank you all.

CDfm

Divorce is no picnic but if you are intent on it you should go to a solicitor.

Have you concidered going to a mediation service like Accord that could facilkitate the split.

There are no kids which is a real plus.

however there is no such thing as a clean break in ireland so if her lifestyle suffers from the divorce you may end up paying maintenance.

Silverfish

Have you tried marriage counselling, or is that even an option for you at this stage?

Undecidedsofar

Silverfish wrote: »

Have you tried marriage counselling, or is that even an option for you at this stage?

Yeah tried Accord and I thought they were poor. They seem to be more for couples who have already made the decision to stay together and worked out 90% + of their problems.

However, one thing I did discover was just how far apart we were as a couple. Too many fundamental differences

CDfm

Im divorced and you really need to be sure you want to go down that route.

Have you asked her if she wants to continue living like this ?

Who earns the most?

Not prying -but do you still sleep together?

Undecidedsofar

CDfm wrote: »

Im divorced and you really need to be sure you want to go down that route.

Have you asked her if she wants to continue living like this ?

Who earns the most?

Not prying -but do you still sleep together?

Yes still 'together' in that sense. Earnings aren't and won't be an issue. I am prepared to sign over everything to facilitate an end but that's not the issue as she would too. There won't be any animosity there.

Thing is we just aren't suited and (from my point of view) she is simply not really interested in me and what I do. She just gripes about any apsect of my culture that she finds difficult to understand. My personal opinion (unproven of course) is that she is far too influenced by a very bitter and parochial mother from another disastorous marriage.

There is no genuine interest or love and I am tired of going over the same old ground all the time.

As I said she is not from Ireland and I feel I have accommodated her at my own personal expense. that would be fine if the marriage was working but it's not - it's a disaster!

CDfm

I have had the toxic MIL thing.

Get away from the idea of signing everything over.

Best of luck op,

SarahSassy

Undecidedsofar wrote: »

As I said she is not from Ireland and I feel I have accommodated her at my own personal expense. that would be fine if the marriage was working but it's not - it's a disaster!

Well why the hell are you still sleeping with the girl? IMHO, you are leading her up the garden path here - she may not suspect you are about to walk out on the marriage given that ye are stil intimate.

fuzzywiggle

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well why the hell are you still sleeping with the girl? IMHO, you are leading her up the garden path here - she may not suspect you are about to walk out on the marriage given that ye are stil intimate.

I think that's a very unecessary thing to say when you do not know the circumstances. You can't judge him for sleeping with his wife and you don't have to love someone to sleep with them.
Anyway from the sounds of it, she isnt happy either..yet still consents to sex so i think your comment was unfair.

Op, have you broached the idea of a divorce with her?

username123

Hi OP,
If you truly believe that you have no future in this marriage then I would urge you to end it, the longer you carry on this way the more miserable both of you are and the harder it gets to leave.

I understand the issue of not wanting to bring anything up in case you face days of silence. This is a very manipulative gesture on behalf of your wife, she is actually bullying you with her silence, making life so unbearable while she is in a strop that you try to avoid the strops and so never manage to discuss anything that is bothering you. She sounds like quite a selfish individual to behave this way.

From what you describe all that is holding you together is your mortgage. If that is truly all your marraige has going for it then why stay? Rent out the house til prices come up enough to pay off the mortgage from a sale or sell it now and take the hit. Either way, money is no reason to live in a loveless relationship.

You dont get second chances at life, this is it, it aint no dress rehersal, youre living the live show right now - you do not want to end up old and bitter and full of regret, and Ive no doubt you dont want that for your wife either?

Leave.

CDfm

Dont leave without getting legal advice about the family home. Thats a recipe for disaster.

If it a case that the fault really comes from your in-laws you should invest in a book Toxic in Laws by Dr Susan Forward.

There are also internet resourses on toxic in laws. At least you should read up on it and it might help.

ladymarmalade

username123 wrote: »

You dont get second chances at life, this is it, it aint no dress rehersal, youre living the live show right now - you do not want to end up old and bitter and full of regret, and Ive no doubt you dont want that for your wife either?

Leave.

Hi OP,

I feel for you I really do, the end of a marriage is always going to be traumatic regardless of the reasons why you got there.

Having been there and got the t-shirt I agree with the above poster......... this isn't a dress rehearsal, there is a big world out there for you yet to discover, and life will and does in fact go on. I wish you luck with it .

aidan24326

Undecidedsofar wrote: »

Yes still 'together' in that sense. Earnings aren't and won't be an issue. I am prepared to sign over everything to facilitate an end but that's not the issue as she would too. There won't be any animosity there.

By the sound of things your marriage is all but dead and you might be better to cut your losses and get out now. You're very lucky there's no kids involved as that would add a world of extra complications.

BUT, be very wary of doing ANYTHING rash until you seek some legal advice. The family law court in this country is a very unforgiving place so you really need to be careful. Don't talk about things like 'signing everything over' until you've considered the legal implications and exactly where you stand in all of it. You may think that everything will go through without any animosity, and it might, but wait until your wife has a greedy solicitor (and her mother) egging her on. Just tread with caution.

Undecidedsofar

Thanks for all the advise guys. It has helped a lot. Now we just need some reality and courage.

Thanks again.

Emme

aidan24326 wrote: »

BUT, be very wary of doing ANYTHING rash until you seek some legal advice. The family law court in this country is a very unforgiving place so you really need to be careful. Don't talk about things like 'signing everything over' until you've considered the legal implications and exactly where you stand in all of it. You may think that everything will go through without any animosity, and it might, but wait until your wife has a greedy solicitor (and her mother) egging her on. Just tread with caution.

Why should you hand everything over to her? If you must split up, get a good solicitor and be fair to all concerned, most of all yourself. Why should she get something she's not entitled to if she's not making any effort to save the marriage or fit in with your culture. Good luck.