My boyfriend left me behind...

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of 4.5 years is currently at his sister’s wedding, which is taking place abroad. His immediate family, some of his extended family and a few of his friends are all at the wedding.

I was invited but much to my shock and disappointment my boyfriend wouldn’t let me go along. His family were in as much shock as I was. His reasoning was that the last time we were on holiday (abroad) together he didn’t have a good time as I was ratty with him.

This is true as everything went wrong on the holiday. Our long haul flight was delayed for hours, when we arrived at the hotel they had no record of our booking despite us having print-outs of the booking and were fully-booked, I got food poisoning and was in bed for three days with diarrhoea and vomiting, then we were robbed etc. Everything seemed to go wrong, and while none of these things were his fault, I was very off form for much of the trip, which I admit.

Im really upset though to be left behind for his sister’s wedding. I love him to bits but this has really gotten to me. I told him before the trip how much it upset me that he was going without me. He said he understood, and was sorry, but didn’t want me to come. They are all having a fantastic time there now.

What do I do? Do I just leave it…or is our relationship in trouble?

squonk

No one could blame you for being ratty on your last holiday. That sounds like a terrible experience and I'd say even Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama would be like a bear under those circumstances. Your OH sounds very selfish and disrespectful. Unless you've had other holiday experiences where you rowed or something like that then he should be copping onto himself and not acting like an idiot.

He can't have it everyway. You are a couple and presumably you'd both at some stage consider the marriage route where you become part of his family and he yours, yet you're not worth bringing to this wedding. I'd say put it up to him and tell him when he gets back that if this ever happens again then he can go on his own coz it'll be over.

kmick

If you are cranky and you take it out on them for no reason men remember that....for a long time. Perhaps you do this regularly and dont realise it? Does he take it out on you when he is off form? All the same banning you from the wedding is very harsh. Maybe you both have some growing up to do.

prinz

Yeah, if I was you, I'd be packing my bags and giving your bf a permanent holiday from you. Total lack of respect shown.

OS119

sunflower27 wrote: »

I challenge any person to not get ratty after this!!!

apparently he didn't.

i don't think there's anything nice about what he's done, but when you went on holiday the same things - bar the fizzy bum gravy - happened to him, yet he didn't take it out on you.

perhaps he's just decided that you're a bit of a nightmare when you're on holiday (perhaps he conflates being on holiday with everything going wrong and him getting the blame for it) and has decided not to have that extra special experience again.

maybe he's not sure about the relationship and either doesn't want you in the wedding photos or to be 'jossled' into talking about marrying you just because 'its his turn next'....

ManOfMystery

This sounds very strange indeed. Is there any more to the story than this? Has your relationship been ok otherwise, or do you give out to your OH a lot?

I had a nightmare holiday with an ex of mine who was very 'ratty' to me and at one point in the holiday she ignored me completely for 3 days. It put me completely off ever going on holiday with her again. Even before going on my first holiday with a new girlfriend after that, I was slightly nervous it would go wrong - luckily it didn't.

However, you had multiple reasons to be in bad form on that holiday - my ex didn't.

If there is nothing more to the story than what you've posted above, then your boyfriend is very very much in the wrong and being completely selfish and inconsiderate - and needs to be told this.

OS119

sunflower27 wrote: »

Yes, hence my point that it's a pretty lame excuse.

for her it might be pretty lame excuse, for him it might be quite a good one.

if my partner spent a week in a cob with me for not just things i hadn't done, but that had happened to me as well, i don't think i'd be wildly keen on spending my holidays with her either.

but i'd probably dump them for being a muppet, so the situation wouldn't arise again.

puglover

OS119 wrote: »

for her

but i'd probably dump them for being a muppet, so the situation wouldn't arise again.

Yeah and they'd probably better off without such an inconsiderate muppet.

OP thats shocking.

I'm sure he's gone through periods where he isn't in great form himself and given then fact that you had such a disastrous holiday last time I can't blame you for being cranky.

It would seem he is being totally over the top and punishing you for not being great company or your last holiday but something tells me there is more to this than he is letting on. Either way, it is really bad form and you should definitely have words with him.

What a cruel thing to do to exclude you from a family event like that, deserves a good kick up the ass imho

Barracudaincork

I think you need to realise he is only with you 4.5 years while his sister has been there all his life, if i thought for one second my partner would ruin my sisters wedding/holiday i wouldnt be inviting them along either.

This isnt just some holiday, its his sisters wedding, a happy event he wants to keep that way.

He is obviously worried if something goes wrong you will get ratty again and ruin it, its fair enough if you ask me.

elli21

OP please don't leave this ,you need to talk to him.This is not right.

What would happen if you both were to marry,would he go on honeymoon alone ??

elli21

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I think you need to realise he is only with you 4.5 years while his sister has been there all his life, if i thought for one second my partner would ruin my sisters wedding/holiday i wouldnt be inviting them along either.

This isnt just some holiday, its his sisters wedding, a happy event he wants to keep that way.

He is obviously worried if something goes wrong you will get ratty again and ruin it, its fair enough if you ask me.

Do you really think someone would stay 4 1/2 yrs with a partner who is capable of ruining a family event ??

Surely OP would have been banned from all family event's then,not just those abroad

prinz

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I think you need to realise he is only with you 4.5 years while his sister has been there all his life, if i thought for one second my partner would ruin my sisters wedding/holiday i wouldnt be inviting them along either.
This isnt just some holiday, its his sisters wedding, a happy event he wants to keep that way..

You seem to be overlooking the fact that his family seem to be in as puzzled as the OP is about his decision. If I were you OP I would book my own trip to the wedding. Confirm with his sister that you are invited and off you go, have a great time. You don't need his 'permission'.

redhugh

prinz wrote: »

You seem to be overlooking the fact that his family seem to be in as puzzled as the OP is about his decision. If I were you OP I would book my own trip to the wedding. Confirm with his sister that you are invited and off you go, have a great time. You don't need his 'permission'.

that's too late now as they are all out there having a ball as stated by "stuckathome"
the wedding part is probably finished but you could still turn up for the few remaining days, stay away from all liquids except for hard liquor (vodka gin rum whiskey you know what i am talking about)
There is enough alcohol in them to kill any bacteria that would cause a stomach upset.
Then when you are completly out of it on drink you can prove him right and prove how ratty you can really be.
If you are still togther after this then your relationship will stand the test of time if not then it wasnt supposed to be.
But there is a quicker more dignified solution and thats be gone from him by the time he comes back, you probably know this yourself but just want someone else to say it.

stuckathome

stuckathome wrote: »

My boyfriend of 4.5 years is currently at his sister’s wedding, which is taking place abroad. His immediate family, some of his extended family and a few of his friends are all at the wedding.

I was invited but much to my shock and disappointment my boyfriend wouldn’t let me go along. His family were in as much shock as I was. His reasoning was that the last time we were on holiday (abroad) together he didn’t have a good time as I was ratty with him.

This is true as everything went wrong on the holiday. Our long haul flight was delayed for hours, when we arrived at the hotel they had no record of our booking despite us having print-outs of the booking and were fully-booked, I got food poisoning and was in bed for three days with diarrhoea and vomiting, then we were robbed etc. Everything seemed to go wrong, and while none of these things were his fault, I was very off form for much of the trip, which I admit.

Im really upset though to be left behind for his sister’s wedding. I love him to bits but this has really gotten to me. I told him before the trip how much it upset me that he was going without me. He said he understood, and was sorry, but didn’t want me to come. They are all having a fantastic time there now.

What do I do? Do I just leave it…or is our relationship in trouble?

Yes, your relationship is in trouble.

Even if the (ridiculous) assumptions that your boyfriend was all sweetness and light and you were the ONLY one who got ratty during your last holiday are correct, there is very little comparison between the two trips ... you've been excluded from an important family event because your boyfriend assumed you'd ruin it for him. Outlook not good.

And if his fears are unfair and ungrounded, then you have a boyfriend who's selfish, unreasonable, inconsiderate and a frankly bit of a bully.

Personally I'd feel so humiliated in front of his friends and family ... what can he be saying to people to explain why you're not there? "Oh, I wouldn't let her come because I can't stand travelling with her!"

But honestly OP, I fail to understand how you could let it go this far ... how long was this wedding in the planning? I'm sorry but there's nothing you can do about it now except suck it up, pick up the pieces and hope for the best ... or walk.

Barracudaincork

elli21 wrote: »

Do you really think someone would stay 4 1/2 yrs with a partner who is capable of ruining a family event ??

Surely OP would have been banned from all family event's then,not just those abroad

Yes i do think they would, i have seen it far to many times when people stay together and they shouldnt.

Maybe a family event hasnt come up since the holiday

Barracudaincork

elli21 wrote: »

Do you really think someone would stay 4 1/2 yrs with a partner who is capable of ruining a family event ??

Surely OP would have been banned from all family event's then,not just those abroad

sunflower27 wrote: »

One bad holiday in 4.5 years where the OP was in bed sick for three days of it and they were robbed etc etc., it's not as if the OP walks around causing problems with his family.

It isnt fair enough at all IMO.

When was the holiday? Was it a few months ago and fresh in his mind?

What really happened?

And you really have no idea if the OP walks around causing problems or not. All we know are the facts re the holiday not anymore.

Barracudaincork

prinz wrote: »

You seem to be overlooking the fact that his family seem to be in as puzzled as the OP is about his decision. If I were you OP I would book my own trip to the wedding. Confirm with his sister that you are invited and off you go, have a great time. You don't need his 'permission'.

No im not overlooking that at all, maybe his family dont know all the facts re the holiday, maybe he held back from telling them all so they dont see the full picture.

Also what family say and what families really think are two different things. Have you never said something to someone to facify them?

Barracudaincork

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Maybe a family event hasnt come up since the holiday

Barracudaincork wrote: »

When was the holiday? Was it a few months ago and fresh in his mind?

What really happened?

Barracudaincork wrote: »

maybe his family dont know all the facts re the holiday, maybe he held back from telling them all so they dont see the full picture ... Have you never said something to someone to facify them?

Barracuda there are a lot of "maybes" and questions in your posts and yet you seem to have had no problem assuming the OPs boyfriend is "obviously worried if something goes wrong [she] will get ratty again and ruin it" and you believe his behaviour is "fair enough" in your very first post.

Perhaps you could keep an open mind. Just a thought.

Barracudaincork

Deleted User wrote: »

Barracuda there are a lot of "maybes" and questions in your posts and yet you seem to have had no problem assuming the OPs boyfriend is "obviously worried if something goes wrong [she] will get ratty again and ruin it" and you believe his behaviour is "fair enough" in your very first post.

Perhaps you could keep an open mind. Just a thought.

I have kept an open mind, because my mind doesnt agree with yours please dont assume its closed.

I just really believe that someone would not invite someone along to an event like that without good reason. Especially as the OP hasnt said he is normally does this and normally ignores her or treats her bad.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your replies. I had to get the situation off my chest so it was good to see there was feedback.

To answer a few questions. I get on very well with his family. They are all very nice and I spend nearly every second weekend at their house. I have also been to numerous family occasions including his other sister's wedding which took place in Ireland, New Years celebrations etc.

His family were just as shocked and upset as I was that he wouldn't let me come to this wedding. They asked him several times to change his mind but he wouldn't. They really tried to convince him, but he's quite stubborn. I genuinely thought he would change his mind closer to the date, and told him how left out I felt, but he didn't.

Some people suggested I go anyway, but its a bit late for that now, as the wedding has already happened. Weirdly a similar situation happened before. I was asked to his brother's baby's christening in England. We had booked the flights and accommodation, and the weekend before we were due to go, he told me in front of his parent's that he didn't want me coming, as the previous time we were on holiday together (the holiday where everything went wrong) he didnt have a good time. His mum asked was he for real and he said yes. I was totally gobsmacked, and my eyes started welling up with tears right in front of his parents which was very embarrassing.

Luckily, his mum handled the situation very well and told his dad to take him off for a drive and talk to him. Then she said I was still to come to the christening, there were to be no ifs or buts, and I was to be her guest, she was inviting me. So I went, and ultimately my boyfriend had a great time, and was very glad I came.

So when all this happened, I couldn't believe it. It was the same thing again. He has texted me several times a day since he's been gone, and phoned me too, said he misses me and loves me etc. I still feel so angry though and left out

SarahSassy

OP, his behaviour is truly appalling and shocking. You are effectively part of the family and appear to be considered so by his parents.. He is being a total bully and showing you absolutley no respect. I dont want to scare you but do you think he is getting itchy feet cos the relationship is going on a while?

Are you answering his texts and calls, if so, does he realise anything is wrong? I am not telling you what to do but I personally would not be able to recover from the hurt and humiliation. You deserve respect and kindness and he has been HORRIBLE to you, one to one, and in front of his parents.

elli21

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I have kept an open mind, because my mind doesnt agree with yours please dont assume its closed.

I just really believe that someone would not invite someone along to an event like that without good reason. Especially as the OP hasnt said he is normally does this and normally ignores her or treats her bad.

Whilst you may find it difficult to believe the guy would do this...he clearly has .
I do not think OP would be posting here shocked and upset at his behaviour if there was a good reason for her not to be invited.Nor do I believe his family would be shocked also.

ETA .OP is hardly "someone" to this guy,she has been with him for 4 1/2 yrs...not like it's a girl he's been out with once or twice who tends to dance on the table's after a few vodka's

fuzzywiggle

OP, if i were you i would be going MAD! That is one down right sh!tty thing to do...another word i could use is just plain lousy. I would honestly be considering calling it a day if i were you. And he's attempted it before..like whats his problem. Kind of like a form of bullying in his own little way.

elli21

OP,I agree with Sarahsassy, I would find the hurt and embarrassment over his behavior impossible to get over and do not really see his heart in this relationship.
This is going to sound harsh but you say the wedding is over now and that he phones you to tell you he loves & misses you,knowing how hurt you are over this surely if he loves and misses you so much he would be on the next flight home.

OP you deserve better.Truly.
I think you have to bare in mind if he gets away with this....this will not be the last time you have your heart broke.

Good luck

Dizzyblonde

OP how can you love someone who treats you so badly? He has no right to prevent you from attending events like this and I have to say it sounds as though he doesn't respect you very much. By staying home from the wedding you've let him know that it's ok to do this to you.
There are men out there who would treat you better, I think you're wasting your time with this one.

LegacyUser

stuckathome wrote: »

Hi everyone,



Luckily, his mum handled the situation very well and told his dad to take him off for a drive and talk to him. Then she said I was still to come to the christening, there were to be no ifs or buts, and I was to be her guest, she was inviting me. So I went, and ultimately my boyfriend had a great time, and was very glad I came.

So he allowed you to go because his parents said so? He sounds like a spoilt brat. Bringing you to that level of embarrassment and then backing down because his parents spoke to him isn't right at all. He should be backing down from his ridiculous decision when YOU say you're upset, not when his parents get upset.
It also sounds like his parents know how to deal with his episodes, they knew what to do straight away.

LegacyUser

I'm really sorry OP but it sounds like your relationship is in trouble.

Its terrible, really terrible, but maybe he doesn't want you in the family pictures. Maybe hes just not in it long term.

You poor thing, I can't believe hes ringing you up saying he loves you while causing you such pain.

Take care of yourself, try and remember that your state of mind is whats most important.

peekyboo

Jesus OP I am shocked at what your boyfriend has done I am with my BF the same amount of time and I just can't ever comprehend him (or me) ever doing this. I feel really sorry for you that you had such a sh!tty holiday and he seems to be holding that over your head. Unfortunately I have to agree with the other poster who said men seem to hold onto grudges for a long time, I have witnessed this but never to this extent.

How can you answer his texts and calls? I honestly don't think I would be able to speak to him again. Does he really realise how much he has hurt you?

LadyMayBelle

What is he like?? Seriously Op, my hear goes out to you, as you prob love him to bits but he really can't treat you like this. You would swear he was a child not wanting you to go on his swing or something!

Great his parents like you but really, you sound like you're worth far more than to be treated like that x

Darthhoob

Wow!...just Wow

how can someone treat their OH like that...after 4 and a half years too! you must be really hurting, i would be, i certainly wouldn;t be answering his mesages or calls though...you doing that probably makes him think it's ok to be such a jerk (sorry i know you love him...but he is)
i think you need to TELL him how upset and hurt this made you, and judge by his response, he has ALOT of serious grovelling to do, but i get the feeling he wont cos he thinks it's ok to do this....despite his parents telling him different.

tbh i'd leave, but that's alot easier said than done when you actually feel something for someone who did this

Dublin141

I can't imagine my other half doing this by any stretch of the imagination, I would be heartbroken if he spoke to me like that, effectively banning me from something that someone else had invited me to...that's awful. And not the first time either which says volumes. As someone else said, his parents knew exactly how to deal with him so I take it that he possibly behaves badly on other occasions too?

I can't see a relationship working if one person gets to hurt the other for no good reason. Can you imagine a lifetime of this? I would seriously be considering my options. I am so sorry for you, he doesn't sound respectful of your feelings at all. If it was me, I would probably break up with him over something like this. I know that's not very helpful but he doesn't deserve a girlfriend if he treats her like that.

dogbert27

When his family found out what he was doing why didn't they pull him aside and tell him to cop on just like they did for the Christening?

I think this is really weird. In one way, being a guy and generally being an idiot, I kind of know what is going through your boyfriends head,i.e.

"wedding! brilliant! abroad! brilliant! drink! brilliant! loads of laughs! brilliant! Oh wait, if OH comes will have to remain somewhat sensible. Not so brilliant. She mightn't like the hotel, food,etc. Not so brilliant. She'll want to go to bed at 2-3 and take me with her when I really want to stay up as late as possible in the residence bar. Not so brilliant. She might be ratty with me because I forgot something at home that wouldn't be a big deal to me but she'll make a meal out of it. Not so brilliant. I really want to enjoy myself without the responsibility of looking after my OH or her watching me and telling me to slow down drinking or wear this or do that. I think it's best that she doesn't come. I'm sure she'll understand. Great! Decision made then, role on wedding!!"

and on the flip side this is a really selfish and childish attitude to take to a partner of 4.5 years. It's your call but I know that if I did this to my OH she'd change the locks while I was away and have all my stuff outside waiting for me. And she'd keep the dog too

BTW how old is he?

squonk

He sounds like a stupid little bollix. Certainly in the context of that last post. It's about time he grew up for himself IMHO. We'd all like to go wild when we go away but sometimes it's actually not a bad thing having an OH there to calm things down a bit, especially as you get a bit older. What ages are you both btw?

Even taking aside the issues about him wanting to cut loose, it sounds like there's very poor communication. Nobody wants a partner going on the lash til all hours every night but I wouldn't have any problem with my OH going nuts a few nights and I'd let her at it and hop off to bed myself.

The boy needs to grow up and get a serious talking to!

Barracudaincork

elli21 wrote: »

Whilst you may find it difficult to believe the guy would do this...he clearly has .
I do not think OP would be posting here shocked and upset at his behaviour if there was a good reason for her not to be invited.Nor do I believe his family would be shocked also.

ETA .OP is hardly "someone" to this guy,she has been with him for 4 1/2 yrs...not like it's a girl he's been out with once or twice who tends to dance on the table's after a few vodka's

Ok then i find it hard to believe she stayed with him after he did it the first time! She should of broke up with him then and be with someone more deserving of her.

As for saying "someone", i didnt mean it in a bad sense or that she meant nothing, i just simply used the english word to describe another human, my apologies if OP though i though of her as a "no body".

Also there is nothing wrong with someone dancing on the tables after a few vodkas, it just depends on whos table your dancing on!

Penny09

he sounds like a bully, and also sounds like he is hiding something from you that may come out in the wash on this holiday.

you may have had a crap hol before and yes it may have been your fault, but people have done a lot worse, and nobody is perfect. people lose it at some point in there lives, he knows you long enough now and if he loves you and knows that you dont flip on a day to day basic i think he should forget what happened and get on with things.

as for ruining his sisters wedding (which to me it does not sound like you would have) he is putting is family before you, what would your future be like? if you were to marry him & have kids, would he still put his family before you and your kids?

wexford202

Either he is with you warts and all or he shouldn't bother.

I would be so pissed if my fella did that but I can assure you he would not be my fella any more!!!

No Way.

That kind of treatment couldn't make you see any future together!

cournioni

stuckathome wrote: »

My boyfriend of 4.5 years is currently at his sister’s wedding, which is taking place abroad. His immediate family, some of his extended family and a few of his friends are all at the wedding.

I was invited but much to my shock and disappointment my boyfriend wouldn’t let me go along. His family were in as much shock as I was. His reasoning was that the last time we were on holiday (abroad) together he didn’t have a good time as I was ratty with him.

This is true as everything went wrong on the holiday. Our long haul flight was delayed for hours, when we arrived at the hotel they had no record of our booking despite us having print-outs of the booking and were fully-booked, I got food poisoning and was in bed for three days with diarrhoea and vomiting, then we were robbed etc. Everything seemed to go wrong, and while none of these things were his fault, I was very off form for much of the trip, which I admit.

Im really upset though to be left behind for his sister’s wedding. I love him to bits but this has really gotten to me. I told him before the trip how much it upset me that he was going without me. He said he understood, and was sorry, but didn’t want me to come. They are all having a fantastic time there now.

What do I do? Do I just leave it…or is our relationship in trouble?

I can't help but think that you are leaving something out here. Are you sure you weren't more than just ratty with him? Remember he was on that holiday from hell too and you've admitted that you compounded that misery. Imagine how he felt having to deal with that... Maybe he is afraid that it will ruin the experience of his sisters wedding or possibly the wedding itself?

Having said that, I think its extremely harsh that he is leaving you at home for the wedding, unless there is something you're not telling us.

sunnydelight

regardless about the previous holiday and what happend, that is between you and him, BUT on this break away the One which you are not allowed go to, he is making you out to be a high maintenance bunny boiler, no joke. when people ask him why you are not at the wedding what is he saying to them? That ya have the swine flu (i dont think so)

it's ok for him to spend time with you in ireland but not abroad, over one fxxk up on a holiday. also when a group of people go away it is easier, not so intense. you were one to one with him on the last holiday.

I am surprised his sister didnt say something, after all its her wedding and she sends the invites.

cournioni

sunnydelight wrote: »

regardless about the previous holiday and what happend, that is between you and him, BUT on this break away the One which you are not allowed go to, he is making you out to be a high maintenance bunny boiler, no joke. when people ask him why you are not at the wedding what is he saying to them? That ya have the swine flu (i dont think so)

it's ok for him to spend time with you in ireland but not abroad, over one fxxk up on a holiday. also when a group of people go away it is easier, not so intense. you were one to one with him on the last holiday.

I am surprised his sister didnt say something, after all its her wedding and she sends the invites.

I am pretty sure he has his reasons. It is very doubtful he is doing it for no good reason especially after four and a half years. I'm pretty sure he knows that he will be asked questions about why his girlfriend isn't there but the fact that he is willing to put up with these questions makes it look to me like there might be more to this than the OP has said. It doesn't add up for me.

Emme

PORNAPSTER wrote: »

I am pretty sure he has his reasons. It is very doubtful he is doing it for no good reason especially after four and a half years. I'm pretty sure he knows that he will be asked questions about why his girlfriend isn't there but the fact that he is willing to put up with these questions makes it look to me like there might be more to this than the OP has said. It doesn't add up for me.

Regardless of whether she's telling all they should be able to sort out things between themselves after 4.5 years. It's not the first time it's happened either. In my opinion he's a bully and he wants to control the OP. This guy would get worse if she married him, but I don't think he ever will. He doesn't want her to feel secure in the relationship. That's how these guys operate - they keep their partners insecure and chip away at their self-confidence until they're completely downtrodden.

If he doesn't bring her to a family wedding after 4.5 years and was kicking up over other events as well I think she should cut her losses and walk. She might have been ratty on holiday but so would you if you had serious food poisoning and your holiday was jinxed. Maybe the gods were trying to tell her something!

cournioni

Emme wrote: »

Regardless of whether she's telling all they should be able to sort out things between themselves after 4.5 years. It's not the first time it's happened either. In my opinion he's a bully and he wants to control the OP. This guy would get worse if she married him, but I don't think he ever will. He doesn't want her to feel secure in the relationship. That's how these guys operate - they keep their partners insecure and chip away at their self-confidence until they're completely downtrodden.

If he doesn't bring her to a family wedding after 4.5 years and was kicking up over other events as well I think she should cut her losses and walk. She might have been ratty on holiday but so would you if you had serious food poisoning and your holiday was jinxed. Maybe the gods were trying to tell her something!

They should be able to sort it out indeed. It doesn't look to me like she has spoken to her boyfriend properly about it. It looks like she has only had feedback from the guys family, and they are unlikely to know exactly what has gone on between the two of them. It doesn't look to me like she is telling us the whole story. It looks to me like she is looking for us to say what she wants to hear (or read as the case may be).

There is very little detail from what went on, on this holiday from hell. It looks more like a list of her excuses for making his holiday worse than it already was. That is why I suspect she is holding back info...

Peggypeg

This is just getting silly, Pornapster in case you haven't noticed we can't actually coroborate anything that's posted here, so just to assume that the OP is lying or concealing the truth, well it seems to me that you have trust issues, "seems to me", "seems to me", you really are making a whole lot of assumtions, do you think you're psychic or something?

Stuckathome, Big hugs to you, he sound very selfish and uncaring, an absolute rotter. He's treated you really badly. Bein honest with you here my pride wouldn't allow me to be treated like that, if I were you I'd be gone when he gets home. Tell him that while you may have let the being robbed and "fizzy bum gravy" get to you on your original holiday, the fact he's treated you with so little regard has made you decide that you don't won't to go on holiday with him, or in fact live with him, or in fact even see him, I know it's 4.5 years but if he's treating you like this now I can only see it getting worse - my advice - ditch him.

cournioni

French23 wrote: »

This is just getting silly, Pornapster in case you haven't noticed we can't actually coroborate anything that's posted here, so just to assume that the OP is lying or concealing the truth, well it seems to me that you have trust issues, "seems to me", "seems to me", you really are making a whole lot of assumtions, do you think you're psychic or something?

Stuckathome, Big hugs to you, he sound very selfish and uncaring, an absolute rotter. He's treated you really badly. Bein honest with you here my pride wouldn't allow me to be treated like that, if I were you I'd be gone when he gets home. Tell him that while you may have let the being robbed and "fizzy bum gravy" get to you on your original holiday, the fact he's treated you with so little regard has made you decide that you don't won't to go on holiday with him, or in fact live with him, or in fact even see him, I know it's 4.5 years but if he's treating you like this now I can only see it getting worse - my advice - ditch him.

Because of lack of information, this whole thread is one big assumption isn't it? There are a hell of alot of people assuming alot of stuff on here and I am not the only one. You've just stated yourself "he sounds very selfish and uncaring", is that not an assumption?

Just because you don't like my take on things, don't go around calling it "silly" or that I think I am psychic or whatever. I am simply asking for more information, which the OP is very much lacking from her first post.

Silverfish

pornapster, the information is in the OP.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say by saying the information is 'missing', That is speculation. What you go on is the information provided by a poster.

This is a warning. Any further speculation or insinuations that the OP is lying will be deemed off-topic.


Thanks.

Peggypeg

OP? You still there? Post and let us know how you're doing.

Here's a BIG HUG!!!

Oryx

Im trying to understand what would be going on in a guys head to make him do this. Ive come up with some thoughts

He has to know he is going to get grief over it, and seems not to care.
He uses one bad holiday as a perpetual excuse. Why?
His family sound close, is he feeling guarded about their cozy group?
He is now sending sweet nothings via the phone in a possible attempt at damage limitation once he gets home.
In any relationship, if its worth keeping, you should want to do stuff with your s.o., not exclude them.

All in all he comes across as either thoughtless or controlling. And op, you sound quite weak, tbh. You need to get to the root cause of why he has done this not once, but twice, to you. Take no bluff, no promises, no 'I love yous'. You want an explanation. A good one. What he has done is pretty terminal, really.

CDfm

stuckathome wrote: »

My boyfriend of 4.5 years is currently at his sister’s wedding, which is taking place abroad. His immediate family, some of his extended family and a few of his friends are all at the wedding.

I was invited but much to my shock and disappointment my boyfriend wouldn’t let me go along. His family were in as much shock as I was. His reasoning was that the last time we were on holiday (abroad) together he didn’t have a good time as I was ratty with him. I was very off form for much of the trip, which I admit.
He said he understood, and was sorry, but didn’t want me to come. They are all having a fantastic time there now.

What do I do? Do I just leave it…or is our relationship in trouble?

I am with the poster who said that they feel you are leaving something out here about your behavior as to whether it went to the extreme side of ratty and he couldnt risk the embarrassment , maybe money is tight and he couldnt afford it or maybe there is another reason like drink or whatever,

You admitted that you were off form on the previous trip so how much off form. So enough about you let me tell you what happened me.

The first holiday I went on with my girlfriend was difficult and tbh I didnt think she would ever want to holiday with me again. So the next holiday we went closer to home.With me it was just nervousness and we stayed in a very isolated cottage and the car broke down a fortune to repair and ..........get the picture.Lots of stuff went wrong.

So what you do is get honest about what happened last time especially with yourself and if it was your fault work it out and learn from it.Your boyfriend was afraid of what might happen and why not.I would not have blamed my girlfriend- if she said no more holidays with me ever.So you need to learn empathy.

If you are going to try out a holiday together why not take small steps and book a cheap weekend break in Ireland and build on that.Our second holiday was brilliant.

A couple I know holiday seperately as they drive each other nuts on holiday:D

So chin up and be grown up about it and stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept the previous holiday was a disaster and factor it into your future.

LegacyUser

Im still here and well I have since told him how hurt I was on the phone, and he has said he really regrets not bringing me and that it was a big mistake. He said the time apart was good for him to realise how much he loves me and want a jerk he was and that he was going to make a serious and proper effort when he gets back.

herya

CDfm wrote: »

So what you do is get honest about what happened last time especially with yourself and if it was your fault work it out and learn from it.Your boyfriend was afraid of what might happen and why not.I would not have blamed my girlfriend- if she said no more holidays with me ever.So you need to learn empathy.

If you are going to try out a holiday together why not take small steps and book a cheap weekend break in Ireland and build on that.Our second holiday was brilliant.

But she says they went on another trip (he initially wanted to ban her from) after the "bad" holiday and it was good, so she did not misbehave after this one bad trip and whatever was wrong she fixed it. Another holiday was good and yet he still wants to ban her even though she proved she can behave normally under normal circumstances.

This is the strange part: he blamed her once - OK might be understandable - but he did it again even though his family sees no issues at all so the girl seems to be agreeable enough and well able to please them.

CDfm

herya wrote: »

But she says they went on another trip (he initially wanted to ban her from) after the "bad" holiday and it was good, so she did not misbehave after this one bad trip and whatever was wrong she fixed it. Another holiday was good and yet he still wants to ban her even though she proved she can behave normally under normal circumstances.

This is the strange part: he blamed her once - OK might be understandable - but he did it again even though his family sees no issues at all so the girl seems to be agreeable enough and well able to please them.

The real thing is that relationships grow and that given certain situations you could have a repeat performance.

Its not anyones fault as such but it may not be something that has a quick fix.If I never attended another wedding in my life it would suit me it wouldn't bother me.

Now I am not suggesting that the OP walks on eggshells for the rest of her life- so if she comes to a decision to review her relationship it should be based on the relationship and not one event or set of circumstances but on the whole relationship.She says her boyfriend had reason to be nervous of her behavior so if they love each other they either cope with that or move on.

herya

I just find the guy's behaviour really weird. It's not the way you should work on issues in your relationships - treating her like a mangy dog is extremely passive aggressive and doesn't solve anything, just rubs the salt. I'd take a person who blew her gasket when she was sick/robbed over this passive-aggressive type any day. He looks like the type who finds a (real or not) fault and then berates his partner endlessly to stay in control.