Not over ex... I think.

LegacyUser

This will probably be a bit rambly but bear with me please.

So I broke up with my ex about a year ago and when it ended I have to say things were absolutely terrible, I wasnt "me" at all and was locked in a bout of self destructive behaviour, what I think was depression (I dont know, I dont want to make my girl problems seem on a par with people real suffering) and a gambling addiction.

Im 22 (male) and really am just a normal chap from a well off, middle class family. I'm in college, I've a few close mates and I am overall pretty happy (have some body issues, some insecurities but meh, thats pretty normal Im sure) so I have some perspective and I realise that these problems will pass and Ill be fine... but it has been a year and I guess thats where my worries/anxiety lies.

Some background first to see what you wise sages advise. I was completely in love with this girl, head over heels and she was with me. We were together nearly 4 years and it started great and was great up until year 2 when I started gambling a bit heavier, staying out late because of it, sleeping in during the day, not wanting to get out of bed, putting on serious weight. I never went to college. I used to feel guilty and anxious all the time.

I used to loose my temper alot (never ever physically abused her), we both had serious trust issues from problems we encountered (all the fights caused us both to cheat at different times sort of a "we're finished" in the heat of a fight and then go hook up with someone else but regret it and get back with each other)

I was getting more and more possesive as my insecurities were exaggerated by the long night, days in bed, weight gain, never shaved or got a haircut, clothes were getting old, I began to feel like I wasnt good enough for her and so the trust issue grew and grew. Id get annoyed if she even talked to someone else.

I blamed her for silly things, used to loose the head over something trivial and ridiculous. For example: one day we were driving to our home town from Dublin and I didnt have any money (not directly gambling related but obviously indirectly) and she said she'll pay for the petrol. I put it in and it turned out there was no money on her card... so I lost it. Stupid. Silly. Moronic.

Now that wasnt "me" or at least, not what I used to be. I was never possessive, never insecure to that degree, never so angry. I used to pride myself in how I dressed, how I behaved and how I was happy in myself, happy being me.

We fought continuously, breaking up for a few days, weeks and then getting back together to "make it work this time".But it never did. I was stuck in a cycle.

So she ended it... and rightly so, it was becoming too much for her and I really can't blame her at all. I want to hate her for it... and in times of emotion I do, but when I think things through I realise she had no choice.

So now, its a year on... and Im not over her, or at least, I dont think I am. It might be the overwhelming sense of regret at having being such an idiot to let something so innately good for me go. The regret at being such a self destructive idiot.

Every time I see her now, I kinda get a jump in my heart, a sick feeling in my stomach. I see her often enough, we have some mutual friends. Every time I see a comment by her on facebook(we're not friends on facebook) ... my heart jumps etc.

I know I should be over her... and its not like I miss her or pine for her because I realise that with everything that happened it wouldnt work again but there is a part of me that hopes.

Thanks for reading all that if you got this far and Im going to get to the point soon.

I dont know what to do about it, I want to get over all this so badly but its not happening. The feeling in my chest wont go away when I see her. I would love to speak to her and tell her just how sorry I am for everything and how I realise how much of an idiot I was now. I've text her asking to meet up as Id like to talk and clear the air but she didnt reply, which is fine, thats her prerogative so Im sort of at the end of options.

I wonder does anyone have any advice at all.

kjl

You haven't updated us on your current situation, are you still an overweight gambling addict? If so, you are probably yearning for the time in you life when you didn't have these problems, You're relationship with the g/f might be the metaphorical representation of this.

I would start by losing the weight, this is not a difficult thing to do, lets say you are 5 stone overweight, you could loose every inch of it in 35 weeks of training, it doesn't seem like a long time, and once you make lifestyle changes and keep to them for 21 day, you will make it to the end.

If after you do this you still have these feeling for her, then tell her, tell her how you have changed back into the person you once were, that you are sorry for getting this addiction, and you are sorry it ruined her life.

LegacyUser

Im fine now... Im not over weight anymore. Im excercising/eating right etc.

Dont gamble anymore either ever.

I've tried telling her, tried clearing the air but she hasnt replied and Im assuming she wants nothing to do with me (which again, is not a problem in itself, its her prerogative)

LegacyUser

Hi WindowDoor

Maybe you could write her a letter if you want to clear the air.

It must be very tough for you living with the regret. Do you really feel that you were a different person because of the gambling? Did it hang over you completely?

LegacyUser

Well I'm finding it pretty hard at the moment, it must be the regret because I cant think of anything else.

And yeah I could write her a letter but I'd never know if she read it or not and I think Id require some sort of "feedback" from her in this situation so I thought it would be better to just talk to her.

Finally, Yes, completely changed me, I was literally nothing like I used to be. Couldnt function normally to be honest.

LegacyUser

Anyone else have any words of wisdom?