Whats for the best?what would you do?

LegacyUser

Long long story short =
Longterm boyf n i broke up
never cheated, but both did silly things n made mistakes....
we broke up...first he wanted to get back but i wasnt sure
even though i love him and see myself with him in long term
then i wanted to get back
then he tells me he doesnt love me n doesnt want to get back ever
Revelation - he comes out and says he does want to get back now.....because he thinks he will love me again, and its the best thing for us to do.????
Even though i love him and want to - should i really/ could i really when i know that he does not love me now? and doesnt trust me and is still quite annoyed at me?
i want it...but what would you do???
its hardly the right way to start a relationship????

all and any advice please...... thanks so much

LadyJ

unsurewhatsbest wrote: »

its hardly the right way to start a relationship????

Listen to yourself.

It's a terrible way to start/restart a relationship and it won't work for long if you go ahead with it. Stay apart until he's cleared his head and you both know what you actually want. Why get back with someone who doesn't love you because they are too angry?

VaioCruiser

unsurewhatsbest wrote: »

all and any advice please...... thanks so much

You guys have gotten yourselves in a right mess because neither of you has been willing to really examine your own feelings and to be open and honest with each other about what you want in life, and with each other.

What you both need is to do is to sit down together and have a long long quiet, deep, emotional and no holds barred talk about your deepest feelings, about your hopes and aspirations and your feelings about each other.

Only by doing this can you have any hope of moving this forward. If you don't then I suspect you will both screw this up so much it will never be possible to put it together again.

Sorry to be so blunt.

All the best

phic

unsurewhatsbest wrote: »

Long long story short =
Longterm boyf n i broke up
never cheated, but both did silly things n made mistakes....
we broke up...first he wanted to get back but i wasnt sure
even though i love him and see myself with him in long term
then i wanted to get back
then he tells me he doesnt love me n doesnt want to get back ever
Revelation - he comes out and says he does want to get back now.....because he thinks he will love me again, and its the best thing for us to do.????
Even though i love him and want to - should i really/ could i really when i know that he does not love me now? and doesnt trust me and is still quite annoyed at me?
i want it...but what would you do???
its hardly the right way to start a relationship????

all and any advice please...... thanks so much

I know its hard to hear, but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't trust you, is annoyed at you, and worst of all has told you he doesn't love you? Come on, you deserve better than that.
you deserve someone who wants to be with you because you're amazing and he loves you, not because "its the best thing to do", stay strong and you'll find him!

ladymarmalade

Hi OP,
Hate to be blunt , but take it from an older much older, worldy-wise girl................ if he ever once says he does'nt love you then he does'nt.

He may take it back the next day and say he didn't mean it but he did. Move on it's hard to let go. I have been there i feel your pain.
You know in your heart this isn't for you , trust your gut and your heart.... it's not for you, brighter days are ahead without him. Hard as it is to imagine now life will be better when you are open to meeting people who truly deseve you .

LegacyUser

ladymarmalade wrote: »

Hi OP,
Hate to be blunt , but take it from an older much older, worldy-wise girl................ if he ever once says he does'nt love you then he does'nt.

Take it from a man, if they say they don't love you it's because they do and you've hurt them.
He's trying to hurt you back and give himself a bit of power in the relationship.

Tell him you can't get back together because he doesn't love. (you should do this anyway, in case he actually doesn't love you)
If he comes back and says yes I do love you.
Ask him why he said he didn't ?
Then sort out that reason and decide if you want to get back together.

VaioCruiser

ladymarmalade wrote: »

............. if he ever once says he does'nt love you then he does'nt.

Oh please ! Happily married couples say a lot worse than that when they fight.


.

CDfm

Its a mess but you guys both have feelings for the other.

While I cant say what he feels - my guess is he prolly found the break-up very tough and doesnt feel he could go thru it again,

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the advice
we have already had that all out in open, total truth talk...told everything...
after that i thought ok maybe somethin was possible to salvage...
after the talk..the next day...he goes off and sleeps with someone???!!!!!!!!!!.....just because he was angry (i had been with someone when we were broken Up?/)

but i just thought how childish???and spiteful??!!??

it kills me, like i want this whole life and future with him..but honestly it how could i do it??
im just terrified at same time you know?

he has way too much dislike for me for this to work, even though that pains me to say.....

thanks again to everyone!!

SarahSassy

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Happily married couples say a lot worse than that when they fight.

If they say that or worse then I would have to wonder how 'happily married' they are - thats crossing a serious boundary and I would never say that in anger to my OH

VaioCruiser

unsurewhattodo wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the advice
we have already had that all out in open, total truth talk...told everything...
after that i thought ok maybe somethin was possible to salvage...
after the talk..the next day...he goes off and sleeps with someone???!!!!!!!!!!.....just because he was angry (i had been with someone when we were broken Up?/)

but i just thought how childish???and spiteful??!!??

it kills me, like i want this whole life and future with him..but honestly it how could i do it??
im just terrified at same time you know?

he has way too much dislike for me for this to work, even though that pains me to say.....

thanks again to everyone!!

I know you will think I am being a smart-arse here OP - but this guy has done you a HUGE favour !!!

Now you have absolutely NO DOUBT that this is NOT the guy for you and you can move in total knowledge that you are doing the right thing and never ever look back.

In a few years you will agree with me and find a GOOD man who deserves your love and respect.

All the best.

VaioCruiser

SarahSassy wrote: »

If they say that or worse then I would have to wonder how 'happily married' they are - thats crossing a serious boundary and I would never say that in anger to my OH

Sorry to burst your bubble, but 30, 40, 50 years married and yes very happily. When I was involved in counseling I spoke to many long term happily married couples while I was working on research papers and it tied in with all of my own and my acquaintances life experience. In relationships, generally the more people love each other the worst things they will say when they fight. The upside is that the make-up sex is fantastic.
I'm afraid that the Mills'nBoon image of marriage that is painted for young kids, especially young girls, has a lot to answer for and causes more unhappiness later in life than can be believed.

All the best.