Boyfriend's girls

LegacyUser

I'm 24 and have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now. The thing is, I still feel weird about the fact he's been with a lot of girls he's still in contact with. He thinks he's hardly been with anyone, but I don't agree. He has only slept with 7 or 8 girls, but he's done 'stuff' with many more, many of whom he still talks to. I mean, looking at his Facebook wall today, he has been with 4 girls who have recently written on it. When I go to the pub with him, there's always a few girls he's been with. In fact he seems to have scored/messed with/slept with at least half the girls he's friends with. I'm not the jealous type but it bugs me. I want to feel special, not like he'd be with anyone, and to be honest, it doesn't seem like he has very high standards. Now to give him credit, he's never lied about his past, or tried to hide things, and I do trust him, but this is still bothering me. He wants us to go and visit this girl in Belfast he was with and he doesn't understand why I don't really want to. Help!

LegacyUser

Anyone have any advice??

NickNolte

It's understandable that you'd be fairly uncomfortable being in the company of so many women that your b/f has had 'intimate relations' with, seeing as he's still friends with them. As a bloke, I never really slept around inside my cirlce of close female friends, preferring to keep things 100% plutonic for just the very reason you've mentioned. They always had other friends in their wider circle that were fine to have, eh, 'fun' with... for the want of a better way to put it.

It's up to you to be honest. You can try and get used to it and, as you say, you trust the guy... or you can decide that you just can't live with it and maybe reconsider the relationship. Your call.

dearg lady

Hmmm this is a difficult one. It's difficult to be around these girls, and I think it might be too much to ask you to go see a girl he used to be with!!

But some positives,

1.You do trust him
2.He hasn't tried to hide his past
3.He's happy to introduce you to these girls and isn't going off meeting them behind you're back
4.He may have slept/messed around with lots of girls but you're the one he wants to be with properly.

It's really up to yourself, just how uncomfortable you are with the situation. Maybe have a general conversation with him about it, they are his friends so he'll continue to see him, it's about making you as comfortable as possible with the situation.

LegacyUser

Is it cheeky of him to expect me to be OK with it? He claims he'd be fine if the situation was reversed, but the thing is, it ISN'T like that for me. I have slept with 2 guys, one I never saw again and my ex who I no longer speak to, so it's easy for him to say that!

Nervous Wreck

Best advice is to get over it. He's not gonna cut off half his friends cos you're insecure about his past. I've been with half my female friends (easily) and none of it has carried on past it's date. The past is the past. I've let it go with my friends and it sounds like your OH has let it go with his. His past shouldn't make you feel unspecial. His past has nothing to do with you. You are in his present. Future's up to you, I guess...

pisslips

Have to say I don't think I ever been friends with an attractive girl who I haven't at least kissed.

Well, there's some who had boyfriends or something.

I don't see how it reflects badly on him or mean he doesn't find you special.

LegacyUser

I guess I just don't understand the whole 'score all your mates' thing. I don't get being with people for the sake of it. I've had plenty of male friends who wanted to be with me, and nothing ever happened because I didn't see the point in being with someone unless I really, really liked them. I asked my bf how he ended up being with so many girls and his attitude was more or less 'why not?' I find that hard to understand. I'm not a nun or anything, or a prude, but fingering a girl and getting head from her because you "might as well" seems rather un-picky to me.

NickNolte

notsohappy wrote: »

I find that hard to understand. I'm not a nun or anything, or a prude, but fingering a girl and getting head from her because you "might as well" seems rather un-picky to me.

Guys like having sex. There's no mystery to it. Where women tend to be a bit more selective about who they go to bed with, men (generally) aren't as fussy when it comes to casual sex... particularly when the drink's in.

LegacyUser

Yes that's probably true. I guess I also think less of some of these girls for jumping into bed with him so easily, I mean the girl in Belfast apparently didn't even fancy him?! Who does that? It just feels like a different world and it makes me very uncomfortable. I am a bit sick of chatting to girls in the pub who have touched my boyfriend's penis. I know everyone has exes and a past, but this is a lot more than I've experienced before.

Nervous Wreck

To be fair, this is all your issue. You're uncomfortable with it. You don't get it. You wouldn't do that. You don't see the point. He did. Others do. So what? Other peoples' sexuality is none of your business really and if you let your boyfriend's past impinge on your relationship's present, then it will be your fault when it collapses for being unable to deal with your issues maturely. Get over it or get rid of him. It's a simple choice.

LegacyUser

Well I don't think it's my issue, as such. I have one opinion and he and his friends have a different one. I totally see your point, but why should I be the one who has to accept his attitude? Why can't he accept that I don't share his views and I don't particularly want to spend the rest of my days meeting up with girls he's been with? I'm no bunny boiler, I always end up hanging out with his ex at parties, and I know he chats to loads of them online. I just draw the line at going up to see these girls for the weekend or going to their birthday parties. What happened to the past being the past?

Chinafoot

notsohappy wrote: »

Why can't he accept that I don't share his views and I don't particularly want to spend the rest of my days meeting up with girls he's been with?

Because they're his friends and if you try to make him choose chances are you won't win and nor should you to be honest.

notsohappy wrote: »

What happened to the past being the past?

Being intimate with someone doesn't immediately remove any friendship that may have been present. Its a bit immature to assume otherwise and it's incredibly selfish to expect otherwise. You should applaud your boyfriends ability to remain good friends with people he was previously with.

Look, people change as they get older. The laddish behaviour and the scoring for the sake of it falls away in most fellas. You're together a year and you said you trust him. Why, then, are his friendships with these girls such an issue for you? You'll achieve nothing other than getting a reputation amongst his friends as a bitch if you continue to avoid social situations with them.

Time for you to leave his past where it belongs and accept his present friendships.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

Because they're his friends and if you try to make him choose chances are you won't win and nor should you to be honest.

I get you. But I'm his girlfriend. Shouldn't my feelings be more important to him than girls he scored in the past? I don't want him to choose. I just want him to consider that it can be very awkward and uncomfortable for me. Other friends of his have commented on how well I've handled socialising with his exes. I'm not a jealous bitch and I am always pleasant and friendly. But I feel like staying with someone for the weekend is overstepping the mark.

Being intimate with someone doesn't immediately remove any friendship that may have been present. Its a bit immature to assume otherwise and it's incredibly selfish to expect otherwise. You should applaud your boyfriends ability to remain good friends with people he was previously with.

Look, people change as they get older. The laddish behaviour and the scoring for the sake of it falls away in most fellas. You're together a year and you said you trust him. Why, then, are his friendships with these girls such an issue for you? You'll achieve nothing other than getting a reputation amongst his friends as a bitch if you continue to avoid social situations with them.

Time for you to leave his past where it belongs and accept his present friendships.

But couldn't you also say that it's selfish of him not to consider my feelings on the matter? I do think it's good that he is able to remain friends, but why can't he understand how I feel? Most of my friends are shocked I even talk to/know loads of his exes, as they wouldn't put up with that. I don't mind seeing them around, but visiting people especially?

OS119

notsohappy wrote: »

I don't want him to choose. I just want him to consider that it can be very awkward and uncomfortable for me...

...But couldn't you also say that it's selfish of him not to consider my feelings on the matter? I do think it's good that he is able to remain friends, but why can't he understand how I feel?

you don't want to change him, you just want him to do different things..?

if you read your post back to yourself you might notice how selfish it is for him not to consider your feelings, but how not remotely selfish it is for you not to consider his feelings... that's sarcasm by the way, you apparently couldn't give a ratshit about what he feels, where his boundaries are, and the fact that he and his friends are mature, sentient humans who can keep the past where it belongs (and occasionally laugh about it) and just enjoy each others friendship.

nope, its all about you and what you, and your friends, are comfortable with and how - in the spirit of compromise - you want him to agree with you.

have the conversation, but make sure you've got your trainers on, coz you're gonna be doing some walking...

Chinafoot

notsohappy wrote: »

I get you. But I'm his girlfriend. Shouldn't my feelings be more important to him than girls he scored in the past? I don't want him to choose. I just want him to consider that it can be very awkward and uncomfortable for me. Other friends of his have commented on how well I've handled socialising with his exes. I'm not a jealous bitch and I am always pleasant and friendly. But I feel like staying with someone for the weekend is overstepping the mark.



But couldn't you also say that it's selfish of him not to consider my feelings on the matter? I do think it's good that he is able to remain friends, but why can't he understand how I feel? Most of my friends are shocked I even talk to/know loads of his exes, as they wouldn't put up with that. I don't mind seeing them around, but visiting people especially?

You need to stop thinking of them as his exes. They're his friends. The past is irrelevant. He's with you now and you said you trust him. This is all your issue tbh.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

you don't want to change him, you just want him to do different things..?

if you read your post back to yourself you might notice how selfish it is for him not to consider your feelings, but how not remotely selfish it is for you not to consider his feelings... that's sarcasm by the way, you apparently couldn't give a ratshit about what he feels, where his boundaries are, and the fact that he and his friends are mature, sentient humans who can keep the past where it belongs (and occasionally laugh about it) and just enjoy each others friendship.

Where on earth did you get that I don't consider his feelings? I DO know where he's coming from. I DO socialise with his exes. I DO understand that it's nice for him to be friends with them. And what do I get back? He has never asked me if I was OK with hanging out with his ex in the pub. He can't comprehend why I might not want to go and spend a weekend with an ex and her kid. It didn't even occur to him to ask me if I'd have a problem with that. And please don't BS about how nobody would. Most of the girls I know would feel extremely awkward even meeting a boyfriend's ex, let alone constantly being around several of them every time they went into town. Let alone going to stay at their house. I don't understand why I'm being made to feel like I'm being unreasonable here?

nope, its all about you and what you, and your friends, are comfortable with and how - in the spirit of compromise - you want him to agree with you.

No, I want him to understand how I feel! Surely you're proposing that I just have to put up with all this - how is that compromise? What has he done to make me comfortable?

iguana

OP, very few people like to think too much about their partner's sexual past. And when we are with their exes it's natural for that past to pop right into your head and make you feel uneasy. It's not particularly nice, you don't like it and I do understand how you are feeling. But it's your issue, not his. He has done nothing wrong in the past and he is doing nothing wrong now.

I suggest you have a talk with him, tell him you know this is your issue and you'd appreciate it if he would bear with you until you get over it. The more time you spend around his exes the more normal it will feel. You will get to know them properly for who they are and their past with your bf will fade into the back of your mind.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP,

I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you're out of line by being weird about the situation. Its normal to feel awkward in their presence. Its infortunate that the girls he hangs out with are all girls he has scored with in the past but sure as the other posters said, there isn't anything you can do about it.

I'm sure you know which girls are genuine friends and which girls are just people he'd pass and say hello to. Do these girls have current boyfriends or are they all single? I find that if they are with someone new, this makes it hit home a little more that they ARE an ex and not alone has he moved on but so have they. It just sits better seeing that I think

With my own boyfriend, I've met all his friends and one time the conversation came up that he had been "meeting" one girl a few years ago and to be honest it took me a minute to let it sink in because I had always seen her as a friend of his, not an ex. I'm happier not knowing these things and it sounds like you'd be the same. If you were non-the-wiser about this girl in Belfast being an ex, you'd probably love the idea of a weekend up there and have a laugh with her.

Did he tell you about all these girls from his past or do you know from being in the group a few years or something? If he is the one who told you he was with her, her and her, then maybe he was telling you to make you jealous i.e. to think hes a legend (men can be strange that way). He might think it makes him sound good but in fact doesn't realise it makes you feel like you're not special and just the next one on his long list. I've been there - got rid of a guy cos it seemed like he was with half of the town when in fact he was just exaggerating to make himself sound good. Had he kept his mouth shut it probably would have lasted.

Chinafoot

notsohappy wrote: »

He has never asked me if I was OK with hanging out with his ex in the pub. He can't comprehend why I might not want to go and spend a weekend with an ex and her kid. It didn't even occur to him to ask me if I'd have a problem with that. And please don't BS about how nobody would. Most of the girls I know would feel extremely awkward even meeting a boyfriend's ex, let alone constantly being around several of them every time they went into town. Let alone going to stay at their house. I don't understand why I'm being made to feel like I'm being unreasonable here?

You're being seen as unreasonable because you're refusing to see them as anything more than his exes. Did he go out with any of these girls for a long period of time? If not, I really, really don't understand why you can't see these girls for what they are...part of his group of friends. Your boyfriend probably figured you're a mature adult and therefore he didn't need to make sure you're ok hanging out with his friends. The fact that they were previously intimate is entirely irrelevant.

notsohappy wrote: »

No, I want him to understand how I feel! Surely you're proposing that I just have to put up with all this - how is that compromise? What has he done to make me comfortable?

Why does it make you so uncomfortable? I genuinely don't get it. Had he been with any of these girls for a few years, then yeah I could understand it being a bit awkward but it sounds like these were random "scores" in the past or whatever you want to call them. I don't think there should be a compromise because, to be frank, you're being very unreasonable.

Once more....they are his friends. You may be his girlfriend but if you're being unfair and irrational (which you are in this case) then your feelings most certainly don't come before his friends.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

You're being seen as unreasonable because you're refusing to see them as anything more than his exes. Did he go out with any of these girls for a long period of time? If not, I really, really don't understand why you can't see these girls for what they are...part of his group of friends. Your boyfriend probably figured you're a mature adult and therefore he didn't need to make sure you're ok hanging out with his friends. The fact that they were previously intimate is entirely irrelevant.

Yes, he did actually. A few of them were long term relationships. And I don't think it is irrelevant that they used to be together.

This

if you trust him its not a prob.

spent the weekend in the bfs, was in the pub with his exs etc while its not ideal its life its gonna happen anywhere and everywhere with everyone at some stage.

the way i look at it, they are still civil enough to be able to hang out which is a good sign

sachamama

Hello OP

It sounds like you do not feel like you are the special girl in his life right now. You resent him for having so many ex girlfriends and for keeping them in his life as friends. some of your arguments or statements are irrational and seem to stem from anger or resentment, i wont quote you back to yourself I'm just wondering if the frustration and anger comes from not feeling like he is seeing you as his special girl?

There are a few facts here, and one of them is shouting out that you DO have a problem with seeing so many of his ex girlfriends. Also there is a fact that he is friends with all these people and that it is not your place to ask him to stop being friends with his friends.

If you felt special, loved and cherished it wouldn't be a problem? maybe that is the real problem? do you feel that you are becoming one of the many girls he has been with?

kittenkiller

Hi OP.

I feel for you, but you will never be able to change his past.

Are you uncomfirtable with the girls being on the scene because there are still unresolved issues with them?
That they might still be interested in him?
That he might be interested in them?
Has he a history of cheating on people?
Are you threatened by them, how they look/act?

Most of the above can be resolved through an upfront chat with your bf and knowing that you both love and trust each other.

If you can't get passed that, then you'll either have to stick it out until all of his previous conquests have gone on their merry way (might take a fair while) or leave him.

It'd be unfair to ask anything else.

Taltos

OP

Do you really want him to change and drop his friends for you?
OR is it
That you are afraid that someday soon you will be one of these friends being introduced to his new GF?

Whichever - if you keep obsessing like this and making an issue over his choice of friends you will only leave him with one option.
Chances are he will dump you for being too intense - though if he chooses you he may end up changing as a result and you will dump him for being so weak.

LegacyUser

Yes, he has cheated a lot in the past, but when he was 'young and foolish', so he says. He has never cheated on a serious girlfriend. And as for girls still being interested, yes, I get the impression quite a lot of them are. I know for sure one girl he slept with has always wanted more, and another one he was with last year leaves flirty comments on his Facebook all the time and apparently still really likes him. I don't think he is interested in them, I trust him, but I don't think a lot of this is appropriate.

kittenkiller

That sucks.

Talk to him.
Let him reassure you that he wants you over anyone else.
Maybe make a pact that you can tag along with him and his friends whenever you're feeling particularly vulnerable to put your mind at ease.
He might even suggest that he's a bit more selective about who he bothers replying to on Bebo/Facebook.
But that'd have to be his decision rather than yours.

People move on and the flavour of the month this month is an old married man the next.
Just be proud that he's so popular and that he's yours and yours alone.

LegacyUser

i really feel for you hun, seems like a right awkward mess that you're in with your boyfriends behaviour. I have to say spending a weekend with one of my BFs exes would be the last thing I'd want to do!! Surely anyone would understand that...imagine you asking him to spend a weekend with your ex...how would he fancy that? I'm guessing he would not be so keen to be on the receiving end. I think it's healthy to keep in touch with exes or people you may have dated through your life but only to a certain degree, for instance meeting up for drinks now and again or for lunch or something but your boyfriend should be a bit more considerate to your feelings. I disagree with most of the people posting here. I think if your BF was in your position he wouldn't be too happy either. sounds like your BF just loves the attention of it all and he's thinking of noone but himself. you should be coming first, never mind all his exes!! surely you are more important than them...

LegacyUser

i totally see where you're coming from OP. i wouldn't like it one bit walking into a pub and knowing that my BF was with half the girls in it and i can guarantee that if it was a man posting here about his GF being with half her group of friends intimately that he'd be getting replies like "she's too easy" or untrustworthy..
For the men posting here that are telling the OP that she's being unreasonable, just think about walking into a pub / house with your GF/wife and her hanging out with a group of men she keeps regular contact with... you're saying it wouldn't bother you knowing that these men have touched/kissed/had sex seen your girl naked and that she continues to hang out with them and expects you to be ok with it???
It's a double standard and unfortunately still exists.
also, did he tell you about all these girls voluntarily or did you have to drag it out of him? cos if he did it in a boasty way it's not very respectful.
As they're his friends, it's unavoidable that you'll keep running into them, maybe you'll even end up friends with some of them but you should explain to him that while you trust him completely you shouldn't be forced to hang out with his exes so often. Maybe you ask him to join your friends more often so you won't have to be around them so much..