i was never told my friend died

LegacyUser

My ex who i was with 3 years died 2 weeks ago and i was never told.

we were still great friends and even though he moved to dublin we still spoke all the time. I have a partner of 2 years and he had a girlfriend. We broke up because his mother pretty much hates me and told him if he didnt dump me she would disown him.

I last spoke to him 3 weeks ago- he mentioned he was home from work as he had the flu- he said he was going to bed and he would talk to me later. I found out this morning he died a week later. I am so angry i was never told

Miss Fluff

Very sorry to hear that OP, how did you hear about it?

If his mother is such an interfering old goat and disliked you, I'm afraid that's why you weren't told by the sounds of things.

opinion guy

Thats pretty horrible OP. I'm sorry for your loss.

prinz

I cna sympathise with your feelings OP, you're probably in shock and grief, feeling at a loss. All natural.

On the other hand, you were with this guy how many years ago? 2+ years ago from the sounds of it. I know you feel you should have been told, but who do you think should have told you? His parents - they're after losing a son, his current gf - she's after losing her bf, and probably best friend.. Are you still in touch with other friends of his, one of them may have let you know. Did anyone else know you were still in contact with him etc. I think you may be reading too much into the situation, concluding that you were purposely excluded.


Edit: Meant to include here, the brother of one of my best mates died suddenly a while back. He was a college student and it happened during the summer months. Now all the family, neighbours, closest friends etc knew what had happened, but I know the family got calls weeks later from the guys friends from college when they were expecting him to get in touch about going back to uni. Basically at the time everyone more or less assumed someone else was taking care of informing those friends..

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Very sorry to hear that OP, how did you hear about it?

If his mother is such an interfering old goat and disliked you, I'm afraid that's why you weren't told by the sounds of things.

i called his phone after not hearing from him in over 3 weeks and TBH after him saying he had the flu i got a bit worried(swine flu),i had text him asking him was he ok and no answer...i called his mother answered and told me.

I just dont get it she said she has his phone since the day he died- she got the texts i sent asking was he ok- she knew we were still friends would it have killed her to answer a text- i didnt even get to go to his funeral:( I asked where the grave is and she said "i dont want you there you broke his heart"(huh? he dumped me cos she threatned him into it) and hung up

im so mad

jt_dublin

OP, very sorry for your loss & how you have been treated.

There is a website called http://www.rip.ie where you can search for death notices. You might be able to find where your friend was buried.

Take care.

MizzLolly

Jeez Op I dunno what to say to you. I'm so sorry to hear what's happened. I can honestly say that this is one of my biggest fears, to hear such terrible news about an ex of mine. When relationships break up abruptly, there's often little or no closure and to hear a few years on that they've passed away is horrific, as I've seen when someone close to me went through it. When people have 'moved on' as such, it sort of disarms them in the sense that you just do not know how to feel or how to even express what you feel. You've got all these strong emotions of saddness and grief and guilt and anger but you cannot express it in the way you want to because of the circumstances your relationship ended on.

I'm really very sorry to read what you're going through. I hope you've got somebody outside of the situation and outside of your current relationship who you can talk to and vent and cry if needs be. You've taken a huge knock with this loss aswell as everyone else you mentioned in your OP. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and try to recognise whether these feelings are coming out of the loss of your friend or from the offence caused by his family. During times of grief it's easy to allow yourself to become angry for all the wrong reasons, kind of like a defense mechanism where you just want to blame someone for pain you're feeling. Try talk to somebody and for the time being, steer clear from his family. You wont find any closure with them for quite some time from what your post has said.

Take care (and I hope there's somebody looking after you tonight)

kjl

You would think when a young person dies, the parents should change his voice message.

SarahSassy

OP, I am sorry for your loss.

The reality here is that his family are next of kin and its their choice who they tell. Another side is that I would imagine his Mother was so sad at the loss of her son that she may not have thought to contact all his exgirlfiends. I have never seen a situation where the family call round people to tell them, its typically published in the papers or it gets round by word of mouth. I am sure the last thing on her mind was to check his texts.

She does seem to have a huge issue with you as she wont tell you where the grave is. Surely if you still have mutual friends you can ask them. This is not the time to be upsetting his mother.

dixiefly

I think I would have been more upset ( I think) with other friends of his (or siblings) that you got to know during the relationship. Surely someone would have thought of sayingit to you.

I would be upset about the comment re beaking his heart though, considering the circumstances that was uncalled for. Though as SarahSassy says, what is going through her mind as a grieving mum could well be incoherent.

Best of luck to you and your partner (who must have also found this upsetting).

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

This must be deeply hurtful for you, but one things for sure no one can take away what you had with this guy, it is sad that you did not get to process his death by going to the funeral but you can still have your moment with him, go into a church and chat to him and say anything you feel you need to, his presence will always be with you and no one can take that away.

It will be better if you look at this as an unfortunate circumstance with your mum but it is nothing more than that and you can move forward with a positive sense of his memory, I know feeling angry fits right now but after a while he would want you to be happy so do let it go when your ready and not let his mother effect what you had with him.

Wibbs

kjl wrote: »

You would think when a young person dies, the parents should change his voice message.

They may not have for other reasons. I've personal experience of this and the family involved felt reluctant to delete it at the time. Like they were deleting another bit of the person who died. In moments of grief these type of things can happen.

SarahSassy

kjl wrote: »

You would think when a young person dies, the parents should change his voice message.

I dont think so as its a record of his voice... When people pass on the first thing we forget is the sound of their voices and in that regard thank God for mobile phones and the voicemails - so we can dial in and remember. You will see from the 9/11 programmes that a lot of people get a great comfort from being able to hear their loved ones voice through voicemails and messages they left before the crashes.

Wacker

ooo wrote: »

I just dont get it she said she has his phone since the day he died- she got the texts i sent asking was he ok- she knew we were still friends would it have killed her to answer a text- i didnt even get to go to his funeral:( I asked where the grave is and she said "i dont want you there you broke his heart"(huh? he dumped me cos she threatned him into it) and hung up

If he dumped you back in the day due to pressure from his mother, then I'd say it's unlikely he ever told his mother that. He might have concocted a story about you cheating or something, just to keep his mother off his back. That would explain her hostility.

Sorry to hear about your situation OP.

LegacyUser

She did read his texts as i said "Ive been texting him last few weeks and have not heard back" and she said "i know". She told him to break off or "you can get out of my house "(her words). So he broke up with me and she was there when he called me about it(shes a freak the poor guy couldnt do nothing without her sticking her nose in)

But we stayed friends which she was not happy about at all- but he grew some balls and told her to **** off and that we are friends and thats it. He even suggested giving us another go but i didnt love him anymore so was no point. We were still great friends and my partner liked him and we often went for drinks when he came down from dublin.

I Know shes hurting but it wouldnt kill her to have text me back. Me and him didnt really have any friends in common as he lived in a diff town, i had mine here and he had his there so no one else told me. Im annoyed really thats she knows he would be so pissed off with her for not telling me and saying that stuff to me but she doesnt care

BroomBurner

OP, I'm sorry about your loss. I'm also sorry for his mothers loss. She is obviously taking it quite hard, as any parent would. You're going to have to stop thinking about yourself, and how this effects you, and start thinking about his mother. I know you don't like her, but her head is probably melted with grief, anger, etc. right now, and you are the furthest thing from her mind.

I sincerely hope you don't tell her how angry you are about you not finding out sooner. That would be petty and selfish in the extreme. Even though you have lost a good friend, she has lost a son.

mrsdewinter

OP, my heart goes out to you. What a terrible shock to get. It sounds like his mother is in a very bad place right now, and the best thing you can do is go about mourning your ex in your own way discreetly and with dignity.