Wondering whether to contact him

LegacyUser

To make a long story short, I'm wondering whether to text my ex. We split up a few weeks ago but I feel I need to inform him of how much he hurt me. Been through a wide spectrum of emotions since we split. Just feel i need closure and by informing him ill get the closure i need. I know its over and I wouldn't want him back(might have at the start). I know i might have answered my own question here but I'd appreciate peoples perspectives. Should i bother and hold on to my dignity? We were dating for nine months if that is of any relevance

Virgil°

Holding on to your dignity here is achieved by not giving in to the desire to contact him. By showing him that you held your head high and got on with your life without him.Trust me you will not get closure by contacting him, only more mixed emotions and heartache.

LegacyUser

I know what you say is true. I know that he wont respond back but I suppose apart of me hopes he would Still miss him and the biggest lie I told was that I didnt love him, so maybe he feels Ive moved on. But by telling him I suppose I want to just hurt him and make him feel guilty. Just feel he doesn't have an idea of how much he hurt me

Lucyx

It sounds very stubborn but down the road you want to have your self respect and if you meet him and tell him how he hurt you then you're giving him too much power.

The way you're feeling is perfectly normal and the anger you feel is the rage that you feel at how he hurt you. talk to family or friends to get this stuff out of your system but you want to keep your head held high should you ever bump into him again and at least this way he'll think that you're moving on and just fine without him and thats what you want him to think. believe me. it'll pass, don't fret. it just takes time.

Virgil°

unregistered wrote: »

I know what you say is true. I know that he wont respond back but I suppose apart of me hopes he would

Oh he probably will respond back but its not gonna be what you want to hear. Id bet my lifes savings on that. The only thing you will accomplish is making him feel better and making yourself feel atrocious.

Still miss him and the biggest lie I told was that I didnt love him, so maybe he feels Ive moved on.

Unfortunately the opposite is probably true, he knows as you do that you just said it out of hurt.

But by telling him I suppose I want to just hurt him and make him feel guilty. Just feel he doesn't have an idea of how much he hurt me

Look hun i know its really difficult.Its terrifying thinking of your days without him and that all those lovely little nuances that you had as a couple are gone but you gotta cut ties now, don't be worrying about trying to make him feel guilty.
Just take care of yourself and it will get better little by little.

opinion guy

unregistered wrote: »

To make a long story short, I'm wondering whether to text my ex. We split up a few weeks ago but I feel I need to inform him of how much he hurt me. Been through a wide spectrum of emotions since we split. Just feel i need closure and by informing him ill get the closure i need. I know its over and I wouldn't want him back(might have at the start). I know i might have answered my own question here but I'd appreciate peoples perspectives. Should i bother and hold on to my dignity? We were dating for nine months if that is of any relevance

unregistered wrote: »

I know what you say is true. I know that he wont respond back but I suppose apart of me hopes he would Still miss him and the biggest lie I told was that I didnt love him, so maybe he feels Ive moved on. But by telling him I suppose I want to just hurt him and make him feel guilty. Just feel he doesn't have an idea of how much he hurt me

ok so
a) by your own words you are not contating him for closure, you are contacting him in hopes he will contact you back - that is the opposite of closue

b) you say he hurt you. you also say you lied to him and told him you didn't love him. so you do love him then ? now you want to hurt him and make him feel guilty ? Is there more to this than you are telling us ? should you not be feeling guilty for lying to him about something important like that ?

c) what exactly did he do that was so horrilbe? from what you've told us you lied to him about not loving him, now you want to tell him you did love him to hurt and guilt him.


I don't mean to be judegmental and for sure we don't konw the full story, but form what you are telling us here - well it seems at least like both of you are to blame ? are you still a bit mixed up about things yourself maybe ?

CDfm

If you dont want him back having the last word is a bit gratuitous.

Its kind of I wish I said that after the event- forget it as he wont have the same emotions as you or think the same and it will achieve nothing.

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

ok so
a) by your own words you are not contating him for closure, you are contacting him in hopes he will contact you back - that is the opposite of closue

b) you say he hurt you. you also say you lied to him and told him you didn't love him. so you do love him then ? now you want to hurt him and make him feel guilty ? Is there more to this than you are telling us ? should you not be feeling guilty for lying to him about something important like that ?

c) what exactly did he do that was so horrilbe? from what you've told us you lied to him about not loving him, now you want to tell him you did love him to hurt and guilt him.


I don't mean to be judegmental and for sure we don't konw the full story, but form what you are telling us here - well it seems at least like both of you are to blame ? are you still a bit mixed up about things yourself maybe ?

In answer to a) I'm seeking closure. I know there isn't a hope in hell we get back together. But if he responding back to me id feel he at least cared for me some bit. But if not at least I get it off my chest how i feel.

b)No i shouldn't, said it when we broke up. Was trying to put on the face and make him seem he hadn't broken my heart. I wasn't going to cry in front of him.

c) i think you misread my message. We broke up. Wasn't acrimonious. But he hurt me led me to believe he loved me. Feel he led me down the garden path really. And of course i'm mixed up with my feelings, you can love someone but at the same time hate them for the pain they have put you through.

opinion guy

unregistered wrote: »

In answer to a) I'm seeking closure. I know there isn't a hope in hell we get back together. But if he responding back to me id feel he at least cared for me some bit. But if not at least I get it off my chest how i feel.

b)No i shouldn't, said it when we broke up. Was trying to put on the face and make him seem he hadn't broken my heart. I wasn't going to cry in front of him.

c) i think you misread my message. We broke up. Wasn't acrimonious. But he hurt me led me to believe he loved me. Feel he led me down the garden path really. And of course i'm mixed up with my feelings, you can love someone but at the same time hate them for the pain they have put you through.

Hey OP, sorry if I mistook you then - I kind of just wasn't sure so hoped you'd clarify.
I still say a) is not closure thou. In fact you would be setting yourself up for more pain. You said yourself you he at least cared for you a bit. What if he doesn't answer thou - you'll be more hurt. don't give him the option to hurt you more.
b) well i can understand that. Personally I tend to be very honest at these times - mainly so i don't regret things later on.
c) why do you feel he led you down the garden path. did he lie to you ? was he straight up ? just wondering because i don't have a good sense from your post of the kind of guy he is. hmmm whilst I'm now inclined to agree with other posters about not contacting him, i don't believe you can have a rule or generalise these things and you have to judge these things case-by-case

SarahSassy

Virgil° wrote: »

Holding on to your dignity here is achieved by not giving in to the desire to contact him. By showing him that you held your head high and got on with your life without him.Trust me you will not get closure by contacting him, only more mixed emotions and heartache.

+ 100

But - did he lie to you, cheat on you or treat you badly? If not, then you have no reason to be angry with him cos he fell out of love with you. These are the risks we take when we choose to enter a relationship and no one is to fault if it doesnt work out. Move on and meet someone new.

tbh

write a letter.

put the letter in an envelope.

Seal the envelope.

Burn the envelope.

Move on.

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

hmmm whilst I'm now inclined to agree with other posters about not contacting him, i don't believe you can have a rule or generalise these things and you have to judge these things case-by-case

There is more to this story, he also owes me money(not huge amount but enough that its rude not to pay back)Ignored the fact he hadn't payed me back while I was dating him(but annoyed me that he never even mentioned it)but since we split felt I was within my right to ask him back the money he owed me. Ive come to the conclusion he will never pay. It hurts that along with ending it with no proper explanation, he doesn't have the decency to send me what he owes me. I know he might sound like a total loser but I promise you he wasn't. Don't be too critical I know I sound like I was completely naive in the relationship but I wasn't.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

The previous posters have all given you the standard cold hard facts response. But you and I know it isn't always as cut and dried as they make out.

It's not easy being the one hurt by a break-up, especially an abrupt one. You experience a lot of emotions and confusion. There's a mess of things going on in your head. I would like to ask some of the same things of my Ex partner. I know all the no contact advice and so far I've kept to it but as the rawness of the break-up ebbs, there is a simmering desire to make some kind of contact that I'm struggling to not act on. So I understand your emotions and your motive.

In the end, despite it being difficult to resist, staying silent in probably the best thing. Either way, whether you get a response or not will probably add to the turmoil you're experiencing rather than alleviate it.

Look after youself, OP.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

This situation is a right mess ... as relationships that end often are. It seems to me that you have no grounds to hate this guy except a messy loan situation that should never have been entered into.

It is clear to me that you have a choice of courses of action:

- Is there a chance he loves you ? If so then I suggest you give it another go. Love is worth fighting for, and issues of self respect and dignity are a self indulgence.

- Is there no chance he loves you, then you need to draw a line and leave it at that. Again it's not about dignity or self respect.It is about common sense and self preservation.

All the best

CDfm

OP closure is a word bandied around too much. Its a victim impact statement at a murder trial. Your ex split with you for reasons known to himself. Whatever the real reasons it boils down to one fundamental one which is that your feelings for him were stronger than his for you.If he loved you heaven and earth couldn't keep him away.

Looking for any reason other than that means that you are setting yourself up. Why do that and what is the payoff for you as you already know the relationship is over.

As others said grab hold of your dignity and move on.

LegacyUser

I know I might have said I hated him but I know I'm only fooling myself. Love is blind..... Ive decided to take each day as it comes and try to forget he ever mattered. Thanks to everyone

Sephiroth_dude

No dont contact him,hes your ex for a reason and you'll be taking a step backwards if you do.

opinion guy

wait.
how much money does he owe you ?
cos if its 50 EUR forget it. if its 5000 EUR then i'd be chasing for that

EamoS

CDfm wrote: »

If he loved you heaven and earth couldn't keep him away.

Looking for any reason other than that means that you are setting yourself up. Why do that and what is the payoff for you as you already know the relationship is over.

As others said grab hold of your dignity and move on.

I know this is just a passing comment, but it really p****s me off when people say that. My ex used to always say this to me, basically putting the blame on me that are relationship wasn't workin by saying "well if you love me you wud do this etc. etc." i wish it was that simple.

You say he lead you up the garden path, how so? If he explicitly said "I don't love you anymore" then you should definitely tell him how much he hurt you. However, if your situation is like mine, an yer relationship wasnt workin and you just drew the conclusion that he didnt love you because you broke up, well then it's completely unfair to blame him for hurting you.

Lastly you shud definitely ask for your money back, just send a very short text like "You still owe me XX euro" or whatever, nothing more!

CDfm

EamoS wrote: »

I know this is just a passing comment, but it really p****s me off when people say that. My ex used to always say this to me, basically putting the blame on me that are relationship wasn't workin by saying "well if you love me you wud do this etc. etc." i wish it was that simple.

I didnt mean it conditional behaviour as proof of love in " if you loved me you would bring me to Spain". What I meant was that if he loved her he would be with her. He doesn't love her.

Lastly you shud definitely ask for your money back, just send a very short text like "You still owe me XX euro" or whatever, nothing more!

This is the Judge Judy question. Girl meets boy. They date. Girl lends boy money. They split.

It depends on the amount of money and its use. Say he invited you on holiday its and borrowed money and its a few hundred euro. I would say don't bother if you can afford to sustain the loss.

If he was buying a car and was short a thousand and borrowed or was short of money for rent, credit card, whatever and borrowed from you wholy and exclusively for his personal normal expenses then of course ask him.

Phrase it like - you borrowed X from me and I need it back -can you please tell me when I can have payment.

If he is an honourable guy he will repay - if not he won't.

EamoS

CDfm wrote: »

I didnt mean it conditional behaviour as proof of love in " if you loved me you would bring me to Spain". What I meant was that if he loved her he would be with her. He doesn't love her.

But this is what Im sayin, its not that simple! I wish it was because then I wud still be with my GF. In this case we dont know the exact reason why they broke up, but you can't generalise and say, "if he loved her, he would be with her". There is a myriad of ways where a relationship may not work out, even though each party is still in love. And im not talkin about circumstantial stuff like long distances, im talkin about stuff like arguments, personality clashes etc.

Sorry if this is a rant but as I mentioned this is exactly the case with me and my ex. She wont accept responsibilty for her part in our failed relaitonship, and puts it all on me, sayin exactly what you say "if he loved me, he would be with me".

CDfm

EamoS wrote: »

Sorry if this is a rant but as I mentioned this is exactly the case with me and my ex. She wont accept responsibilty for her part in our failed relaitonship, and puts it all on me, sayin exactly what you say "if he loved me, he would be with me".

Thats OK Eamo. Some relationships can be hell on earth.