Girlfriend trying to make me jealous?

LegacyUser

Bit of a weird situation for me.

I've been in a long distance relationship for over a year now. We try our best to see each other every 2 weeks or so. Sometimes that doesn't work out and it causes problems. Here's the issue.

I have a fairly active social life. I have many friends, and recently newer friends have appeared in the form of females. Now these aren't close friends. More the type of people I might bump into in a nightclub and head back to a house party if invited. Nothing going on between any of us...and if I go back or end up hanging out, it's always in a group. To me, as someone who's always held male company, it's quite refreshing.

Now my girlfriend would be the same. She has as active a social life as I do, and she usually keeps a circle of females only.

I was chatting to her yesterday, asking her about her weekend and only realised what she had been saying 24hrs on.

She told me she had met up with some old male friends from her past. They got drinking in the pub, out to a bar and then onto a nightclub etc...

This didn't strike me as odd, and the only thing I commented on was that it must have been fun to catch up on old times.

Now, without provocation, the main topics brought up by her were that these fellas were loud, rude, obnoxious, full of dirty sexual jokes - some aimed at her, some not, about how they passed comments on "how she liked it from me" when she mentioned me....about how they asked her "if you give happy endings?" (as she's a massage therapist). I said that they sounded like a rude bunch of boys and probably don't make good company at all.
She then says they're alright. What's confusing (or maybe not so much) me is that out of all the things she decides to tell me about these guys that I don't even know, she makes sure to tick off all the ones that would make me "jealous".

At the time of the conversation, I really didn't pass much remarks. I used to be jealous when I was a younger man, but see it only as a waste of energy and brainpower.

Now, if I'm out on a night, and the same thing happened, I'd want to assure my partner who is 100miles away that they people I'm out with are ok. I wouldn't try to paint them in such a poor light. If there are small parts which are distasteful, but overall they're ok, I'd let the small ones slip.

My initial reaction is she's trying to make me jealous. She's jealous that I've been spending time with other women, going out with my friends and she's also probably annoyed that I didn't rise to her comments.

Would this be accurate? Was this thought out? Do you think she takes pleasure in telling me these things?

I asked my sister and she said it might be, and that it's common for some women to do that.

What do you think boardsies?

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear your having this issue. I'm also in a long distance relationship. My partner is a bit further than 100miles away but i'm completely see where your coming from. My partner has a close group of girls that she hangs out with, as where I have a mixture of both male and female friends.

Firstly it's very possible she is trying to make you jealous, but don't jump to conclusions. When you are telling your gf about the girls you hang out with, do you reassure her that nothing is going on between them and your a strictly friends? (not even close friends). It's possible she is feeling exactly the same way you are now. If she is in fact trying to make you jealous, a bit of reassurance would help.

If she had mentioned those guys strictly to make you jealous there's a good chance that it could be thought out. Is it out of character for her to be making comments about friends like that? I wouldn't worry about it too much about it OP. I don't know if she is taking 'pleasure' in telling you this, but it could be a sort of defense mechanism for her.

I know that distance apart in a relationship can generate problems like this. I trust my OH so it gives a sense of security. I think the best thing you can do is at next best opportunity perhaps talk to her and ask her in a civil manner if she is ok with you hanging out with other females. I'm sure it's a problem that can be solved. Goodluck!

OS119

OP, i think you're missing something glaringly obvious: you say yourself that previously she didn't really have male friends, and so, ergo, isn't used to the way a sizable proportion of young men speak.

she told you about the things that were - to her - new and interesting, the fact that it was about blokes is pretty irrelevant.

if you went on safari and rang home, would you talk about the giraffe/rhino/lion you saw, or the fact the your suite had the same brand of toilet paper you use at home?

prinz

gotnousername wrote: »

She told me she had met up with some old male friends from her past..

So she was telling you about her night, and she passed comment on what the company was like... Seriously they were old friends, perhaps she thought they might have matured a bit and copped on and she realised they hadn't. I'm in a LDR myself, and telling my OH about nights out and who I met, what they're like etc is a staple of conversation. If I was meeting friends regularly I wouldn't be bothered too much to tell her how they were as she'd already know what they're like. If I met someone who I hadn't met in a long time, and who my OH doesn't know I'd be far more likely to tell her, who said what, who did what.

Seems to me your jealousy issue raised it's ugly head as soon as you heard she was with male friends as opposed to her usual circle.

finbarrk

It kind of seems like it's ok for you to have female friends but you would rather if your girlfriend didn't have male friends? Thats what it seems like to me anyway, correct me if I'm wrong.

shellyboo

gotnousername wrote: »

Now, without provocation, the main topics brought up by her were that these fellas were loud, rude, obnoxious, full of dirty sexual jokes - some aimed at her, some not, about how they passed comments on "how she liked it from me" when she mentioned me....about how they asked her "if you give happy endings?" (as she's a massage therapist). I said that they sounded like a rude bunch of boys and probably don't make good company at all.
She then says they're alright. What's confusing (or maybe not so much) me is that out of all the things she decides to tell me about these guys that I don't even know, she makes sure to tick off all the ones that would make me "jealous".

I'd take another view on it - one of full disclosure. If I was out for a night talking about sexual topics with guys who I know my fella would be jealous of, the very LAST thing I would want to do is hide it from him. In fact, I'd do exactly what your gf did and tell him the full story immediately. Now, I'd do it in a more tactful way than you'd described there, while also assuring him that nothing happened, etc. But I'd still be sure to tell him the whole story, because if it came back to him - "I was chatting to your gf about her giving me a happy ending sometime, hur hur hur" - that would be seven million times worse.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

OP, i think you're missing something glaringly obvious: you say yourself that previously she didn't really have male friends, and so, ergo, isn't used to the way a sizable proportion of young men speak.

Wrong. She just hasn't had any recently. She has had plenty of male friends over the years (bearing in mind I've only been around for one), and she's had plenty of male companions in college etc. She's well used to male company.

prinz wrote: »

So she was telling you about her night, and she passed comment on what the company was like...

That's not the point I was making at all. It's not that she passed comment on her company, it's that the only parts of her company she shared with me were the ones that would get to a guy. She told me nothing else about them. Nothing.

prinz wrote: »

Seems to me your jealousy issue raised it's ugly head as soon as you heard she was with male friends as opposed to her usual circle.

...no. Interest reared it's head. If my girlfriend has friends, I'd like to know who they are and what they're about. It's what you do as a couple. Take interest in their company. If your OH is out with someone of the opposite sex, you're going to be interested. If she comes back and tells you how inappropriate and rude they were, you're going to assume they're dicks. If she then, after all that, says "ah they're grand", you'll raise an eyebrow.

It seems people here are quite selective about what they read, and even more selective about what they take in. I feel like you's are scanning the page, coming to your own conclusion - reading me pissed, male friends, boo hoo...which is not the case at all.

finbarrk wrote: »

It kind of seems like it's ok for you to have female friends but you would rather if your girlfriend didn't have male friends? Thats what it seems like to me anyway, correct me if I'm wrong.

case in point.

shellyboo wrote: »

I'd take another view on it - one of full disclosure. If I was out for a night talking about sexual topics with guys who I know my fella would be jealous of, the very LAST thing I would want to do is hide it from him. In fact, I'd do exactly what your gf did and tell him the full story immediately. Now, I'd do it in a more tactful way than you'd described there, while also assuring him that nothing happened, etc. But I'd still be sure to tell him the whole story, because if it came back to him - "I was chatting to your gf about her giving me a happy ending sometime, hur hur hur" - that would be seven million times worse.

This is an interesting and logical take on the situation. Thanks shelly.

prinz

gotnousername wrote: »

Interest reared it's head. If my girlfriend has friends, I'd like to know who they are and what they're about. It's what you do as a couple. Take interest in their company. If your OH is out with someone of the opposite sex, you're going to be interested. If she comes back and tells you how inappropriate and rude they were, you're going to assume they're dicks. If she then, after all that, says "ah they're grand", you'll raise an eyebrow..

Why would you automatically assume that your OH is trying to make you jealous however? My OH doesn't get on with a couple of people I know, does that mean I'm intentionally making her jealous if I say I was out with them? Er no.

Perhaps your OH knows her friends better than you do, and realises all the stupid inappropriate commentary aside, that they're fairly decent people? Did you think of that? I have friends that act the tactless twat from time to time, and on first meeting other people might dismiss them as gob****es.. rude, obnoxious etc., but I know deep down that if I needed help or something, there's nothing they wouldn't do for me.

I also know I have come back from a night out p*ssed off about something and got on the phone to my OH saying what x did, or what y said and how much of a tool they were tonight, but I know if she turned around and said "they sound like annoying gits" I'd be the first to remind her that despite what they did or whatever they said there's a reason I was friends with them to begin with, it's what people do, they make excuses for friends.

kjl

gotnousername wrote: »

Now, without provocation, the main topics brought up by her were that these fellas were loud, rude, obnoxious, full of dirty sexual jokes

yeah, sounds like she is really trying to make you jealous, I think you are the one with the problem here, I don't think you've gotten over you former problem with jealousy because this whole post is something a jealous person would write