Marriage Advice - Is wife planning to leave?

remusono

I can’t talk to friends or family about this, so I was hoping for some help/advice

As Im trying to stay confidential about this, I can’t give too much information away.

Myself and my wife are married for over 7 years and have a 3 year old boy which we both love and adore. We are in our 30’s and unfortunately we have paid too much attention to our little one and have since grown out of love with each other, but still get on fine and don’t fight or anything like that. Although we both admit that we do indeed love each other, my wife says she isn’t “in love” with me but loves me and we get on great, but my wife has no interest in making love to me anymore Because of this and as we have been trying to make it work, we have started counselling.

Well I thought that we were both committed in trying to work on saving our marriage, but then I found some continued activity on one of our computers on property websites and then on one house in particular. I then found my wife trying to get bank statements together (going back a couple of months), I was a bit suspicious but didn’t say much, then I came across a file that had all our bank/credit unions savings and current account statement, even a savings account set up for our little one (which has a few thousand in it). Further to the accounts, there was a completed mortgage application form, a house brochure (with specifications etc) from an estate agent and in addition a business card for an architect.

In addition to this and something I found out before, was that my wife was transferring some money each week/month/on occasions to her old personal account. Now that might not sound too bad to some, but when we married, we both closed our single accounts and set up our joint account, joint credit unions savings accounts etc etc – Everything went into one place, but now I see that her account is still open and is transferring money to it and I have no access to it – but she has access to everything I/WE have.

So onto some questions,

1) as we have significant savings in some credit union accounts and bank accounts along with our childs’ savings, would it lead to too much trouble, if I approached the credit unions and asked them to put a note on the savings accounts that only when both of us are present can money be taken out of the accounts. (Note, at the moment any 1 of us can take money out/or put in to account credit union savings account)

2) I don’t know what money has gone into her personal account, would I be out of line by going to the bank and lodging some money into her account, asking for a receipt/balance and finding out that way?

Or am I being too paranoid and should just focus on the counselling and making the marriage work or should I try and protect myself?

Would my actions be a really mad move, especially as I will get the “do you not trust me” when she finds out?
I don’t want our counselling/working on our relationship be set back by these actions, but Im worried that she will clean out the accounts, get a new house, and move our with our child?

Help/advice would be appreciated, thanks

Princess Leia

Hi OP, my advice to you is to act fast on the joint accounts and get legal advice TODAY!
A year ago I ignored all the warning signs due to spending time away with my dying parent..I came back to find Ex had moved ALL the money to his account, he packed up and left me and our kids to fend for ourselves.We were together 25 years and he just had a personality transplant when he met his GF.
The only thing that saved me was just before he left I had some suspicions and got the deeds of home in both our names(his parents held them)..then with dying parent I took the eye of the ball.
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck it's a duck!
Do things now !

remusono

Thanks for the reply

Not sure I want to go the legal route as I really still want the marriage to work, especially for myself and of course for my little one. If there is one thing that will break my heart, would be for me to admit its over and then see my child raised by some other man. I mean, I have to be honest, my child will end up with her Mother and I will be reduced to 1-2 nights a week and my child calling someone else Daddy as they grow up.

I want to do all I can to fight for my marriage, but don't want to be stupid and naive either and end up losing all my savings after all the hard work.

Think I will get the accounts protected by insisting that there be 2 signatures to remove any money as that is just normal and if it cause "trust" issues, then going behind my back and as far as to apply for a Mortgage, then I think they constitutes "trust" issues aswell.

Not so sure on checking her account balance though, thoughts?

SarahSassy

The Bank wont give you her account balance cos its in her name. You will be able to see it if you have access to her interenet banking. Another option is to get duplicate bank account statements for the past year and / or 18 months to see how much she has taken from the joint account.

She will need to sign a new bank account mandate if you want to change to 'both to sign' but maybe its worth giving your Bank a call. Tell them you think your card adn pin were stolen and to refer all withdrawls to you.

Sounds like she is prepping for a dash out the door. Talk to the Bank and then talk to her. If she looks after all the finances then make sure the bills are paid up to date i.e. mortgage, life cover etc so you are not stumped should the time come. Good luck

OS119

remusono wrote: »

I want to do all I can to fight for my marriage, but don't want to be stupid and naive either and end up losing all my savings after all the hard work.

Think I will get the accounts protected by insisting that there be 2 signatures to remove any money as that is just normal and if it cause "trust" issues, then going behind my back and as far as to apply for a Mortgage, then I think they constitutes "trust" issues aswell.

Not so sure on checking her account balance though, thoughts?

your marriage is over because your wife has very obviously decided its over. you wanting to make a go of it is irrelevant - it takes two to make a marriage, but its over when just one says its over.

you must see a solicitor RIGHT NOW, while you're waiting for the solicitors' appointment you MUST get every joint account 'double sigged'.

do not make any attempt to find out more about the individual account - it would be nice to know how much she's ferreted away, and how long she's been ferreting it, but this is outweighed by the potential downside: any attempt by you to discover these things could be construed as potential fraud or theft - and we all know how reluctant soon-to-be-ex-wives are to involve the police as way of bashing soon-to-be-ex-hubby. it could also be construed by her solicitor as 'proof' that you knew about the acct and contributed to it - after all, if you didn't, why would you be putting money in it!

a solicitor will be able to get the financial records of both parties, so you'll know soon enough, but you absolutely MUST start securing your joint assets now.

its likely that this is going to go very bad, very quickly. you must be prepared.

Princess Leia

OP I was like you, thinking seeking legal advice would mean I had given up on it..it doesn't! Your wife has got advice and info from somewhere and is well able to look after her own interests..please please don't ignore it.
She sounds like she has made up her mind to go her own way really.
I tried to get the account info from the bank on the Ex..they would not give it to me in any shape or form..and to be honest I would have been reluctant to keep banking with them if they gave it to me!
The advice I was given after all the money was moved told me I could have stopped the money it legally..not sure how it is done, maybe someone else can?
What I did do was go to counselling by myself(he wouldn't go) and this was a big help..I was feeling guilty for my kids being in a "broken home" and was so reluctant to go the legal route out of guilt.
The truth is you are being good parent, you are trying your best and going to a solicitor is only because you have no choice. I have met so many people who just seem to linger in this not really married/ not really separated state...their heads are wrecked from it, it is mainly due to the fear of not seeing kids etc.
Will your OH go to counselling? If not then the writing is on the wall I am sad to tell you.
Also I know lots of divorced dads who have come out the other side, yes they don't see their kids everyday but most see them frequently. Have you and she discussed what would happen if you did split?
I feel for you I really do, and have to say any woman who walks from a good husband because "she's not in love" is mad IMO..one of the first things I get asked by men is the age of my kids(they are almost reared) so good luck to her if she has a small one!

AMK

I think you need to move straight away to protect the joint accounts by making sure both of you have to sign for withdrawals. I doubt you can do anything to find out what is in the account in her name only - no bank would be entitled to give you that information.

Instead of worrying about trust issues when she finds out, have you considered exerting more control over the situation by telling her what you have discovered and telling her the actions you intend to take to protect yourself. Just because she is being underhand and essentially dishonest doesn't mean you have to behave in the same way.

How can the conselling sessions be set back by any actions you feel you have to take? They must be suffering a serious setback from your point of view when you found out this stuff. You are entitled to question her commmitment to trying to make the marriage work when she is creating an escape route at the same time as attending counselling. And how can you stay committed to it also if you don't bring this knowledge into the open and get some discussion going on it?

Your wife's actions are critical to the future success or failure of the marriage and you cannot treat them as a separate issue. If you want to fight for your marriage then take off the gloves and go for it.

I think she is being very foolish. It sounds like she has an alternative life all worked out in her head but she has no idea what she is letting herself in for. She may throw away someone she loves and gets on great with, the home you built together and a family unit for her child to grow up in all because she isn't 'in love' anymore.

It's a lot to throw away - is it possible she is having an affair?

metrovelvet

Why dont you ask her? NO one here knows what is going on in her head?

Many many years ago Oprah announced on television that all women/wives should have a hideaway bank account where they store extra money if they are going to leave the marriage.

If she is going to leave it would hardly make sense for her to buy a house while she is still legally married to you as in a divorce proceeding it would probably get split between you as it was acquired during the marriage.

I would not jump to conclusions until you have all the information.

remusono

Thanks for all the comments and advice.

Just to throw it in there, she is actually going to counselling with me and Im not sure/but I think these activities were done before the counselling started.

It is strange that she would be looking to get another mortgage, considering I am then entitled to half of it, as AMK said

"I think she is being very foolish. It sounds like she has an alternative life all worked out in her head but she has no idea what she is letting herself in for."

I think she may be showing some signs of stress and even some depression.

It's a lot to throw away - is it possible she is having an affair?

That did cross my mind, and having been keeping an eye on things to see if there is anything suspicious, but considering any free time she has is spent with our son, I seriously doubt it.

Why dont you ask her? NO one here knows what is going on in her head?

Many many years ago Oprah announced on television that all women/wives should have a hideaway bank account where they store extra money if they are going to leave the marriage.

If she is going to leave it would hardly make sense for her to buy a house while she is still legally married to you as in a divorce proceeding it would probably get split between you as it was acquired during the marriage.

I would not jump to conclusions until you have all the information.

Oprah eh? :.)

Im taking that advice on not jumping to conclusions, because as we are still going to the counselling Im hoping we can work it out.

She may throw away someone she loves and gets on great with, the home you built together and a family unit for her child to grow up in all because she isn't 'in love' anymore.

That's what I think, I just really do hope that she realizes that soon - because there are so many things right in the relationship, that just a bit of work on both side's could resolve it for us.

SarahSassy

Well reality check here - why is she taking money, on the sly, out of your joint account?

remusono

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well reality check here - why is she taking money, on the sly, out of your joint account?

Thanks, yes I am dealing with reality here and keeping an eye on the accounts, but you have to remember that I didn't just meet this woman or know her a few months - I have put 10+ years into this relationship, have a child, assets, money and a house tied up in this and am not going to simply throw that easily away.

Most of our money is in the Credit Union and hasn't been touched at all and I just had to make a quick phone call to make sure that 2 of us sign any withdrawals, so most of big money is safe and I have full access to the main account to track anything.

The only thing I have to track further and seek out statements is what kinds of monies are moving to the personal account.

Example:Using a laser card for filling petrol and then having a cash withdrawal taking about a similar amount of money "for petrol" is some of the things Im going to keep an eye on and it's not the easiet way to track. For all I know is that the cash taken out is being moved to the account, and the petrol is payed for by the laser card.

I will be working on trying to come accross the personal account statement.