Cant take the anger anymore...

LegacyUser

Hi all,
This post has been coming for some time because I am on the brink of losing my belief in what I am doing and saying.

Long story short, I have been with my current gf for nearly 4 years. For the most part, it has been good, but it has deterioated so much in the last year that I don't think I can continue any longer. I need to just blurt out everything I am feeling because I have no one to talk to about this.

Alot of this stems from the fact that she acts so inappropriately in front of other people.

Since she has arrived in Ireland (she is from Latvia), she has made almost no attempt to make any friends whatsoever. Becasuse of this, I have lost most of my good friends. If I suggest that I go out by myself, I get this passive agressive attitude (basically, I can go if I want, but hinting that I will pay for it). I haven't been out for a lads night out in 4 years.

The first time I introduced her to my group of male best friends, she went cold on me for no reason while we were all playing pool. Everytime I went to talk to her she would ignore me. That was so embarassing for me as I had done nothing to provoke it.

When she went to meet another group of friends (mainly females and couples) she stormed out of the room because she was losing at a game we were playing.

She makes such a bad impression on people.

When we were at a wedding of my cousin, the staff made a mistake and they didn't have a room for us (which was corrected). She proceeded to curse and shout loudly at the receptionist in front of my parents and brother. I know the reception made a mistake, but no one deserves that.

She shouts at me in shops, on the street, no matter who is watching. She doesn't seem to care that people are watching. If someone bumps into her on the street, they get abuse. There has been many times where I told her that one day she will pick a fight with an unsavoury character and either she, or more likely me, will end up in hospital over it, and yet she persists. One day she threw dirty looks and mouthed profanities at a group of 6 unsavorary men in the middle of the path because one of them happened to step back while laughing with his friends. I know I am going to end up in hospital while defending her.

At my grandmothers funeral, she began shouting at me while parking the car because she wanted me to park in the spot she wanted, despite the fact it was right in front of an emergency exit. Theis was the first time she was introduced to many of my relations and she proceeded to be angry at me all through the meal after the burial. She even stormed off from the table leaving everyone bemused and me wanting to just leave in shame.

At another wedding, she proceded to shout at me in front of my brother and his friends because I acidentally dragged my foot acroos her dress while I was getting up from the seat.

I have been told many times that people feel uncomfortable around us.

When we arrived back from holidays a few years ago, she found one of her favourite tops in the laundry bin. Thinking that she had cleaned it, she went out of control, eventually threatening to go down to the apartments supervisors apartment to blame his wife who must have "used his keys to break in and wear the top, because she is jealous of her clothes, and then threw it in the launrdry bin after she wore it". Trust me when I say there is absolutely nothing to base this assumption on.

I have never cheated on her, or have never lied to her, but she will have no faith in my words sometimes it makes me so fustrated. I used to collect her from work every day at 6, going through traffic which could get very bad without notice. Any time I was a few minutes lated, I got eaten for it, even though there were excellent reasions (heavy traffic, a car crash). There was one time I even had to take a photo of the crash to prove to her that I was not lying.

She gets so angry about things she has no control over. We have a gaping hole in our bathroom wall because she got so angry she slammed the door repeatedly into it. She has thrown my belongings across the room and threw a hot water bottle at my new TV screen which broked and covered everything in water. She has thrown face cream, controllers and anything she can get her hands on when she is angry. She has completely destroyed the frame of the front door of our apatment block in a rage of anger. Twice.

Our recent holiday to her home country was a disaster. She had to get a tooth out while over there, and myself and her sister tried to comfort her. While I was doing so, he started shouting angrily at me for not shutting up about it. I was at breaking point at this stage and she walked out. Her sister wanted to stay with me because she knew I had done nothing wrong, but I told her it would be best that she went with her. An hour later, my Gf got a call from her mother saying that she wanted to talk. Knowing very well that the mother was going to be angry with her for the way she was disrespecting me in public, she refused. When she eventually did talk, the mother said that she was treating me very poorly and that she needed to cop on.

3 days later, we met her very best friend for dinner. The girl was 8 months pregnant and my gf had told me that her friend was very unhappy with her appearance while pregnant and that her relationship with her boyfriend was very poor. So, I did my very best to make the friend feel better, and paid her compliments on how she looked. I also touched her arm a few times (when I try to get close to someone, I do tend to show affection with little touches on the arm or hand). When we arrived back I got absolutely eaten alive saying I was a disgrace and how dare I compliment her and that I was all over her. She apologied the following day, but she then lost the rag over something else and stormed out.


I had enough. I think something actually clicked in my head and I packed my bag and decided to leave her. I exited the hotel and headed for the nearest hospital. If it hadn't been for the fact she spotted me, we would have been finished. However, she spotted me. I told her we were finished, and that was the end of it. I told her that I was absolutely sick of her anger and her treatment of me and I deserve better. She knew that she had made a mistake and she broke down crying asking for another chance. After an hour of pleasing with me, I agreed to bring her back to the room. She told be in tears that she knew she was wrong that she knew she had a massive problem with her anger, and begged me for another chance. She told be that she would get anger management classes when she got home. She never did.

Fast forward 3 weeks later to last Saturday night. We were on the way to the cinema, having a nice evening when I asked her which way she would like to go (there is a shortcut which is fine by day but she doesnt like taking at night). She told me which way and I went that way. However, as we were taking I missed the turnoff-an honest mistake, and we were on the main street. I reversed in a small side street and she absolutely fcuked me out of it for missing the turnoff. I explained it was a mistake and there was no harm done, but she was having none of it. Ruined the night.

And to cap it all off, the straw the broke the camels back occured last night. I was still annoyed by her outburst from the night before. We were having a laugh, ready to watch a DVD. I was a little hungry and I showed her a lovely shepards pie in the fridge and asked if she was hungry. We had a laugh at how we were so full and that it want a great idea to put it in the oven, so I put it back in its place. She saw where I put it and told me I was wrong. I asked what did she meam, bevcause I put it back in the place (it was sloping at about a 5 degree angle). She told me to put it back in the right place? I tried to make her happy and put it more on the shelf. She still wasnt happy and I told her that it was fine where it was, nothing would happen it. She started to raise her voice and cursing. I snapped and screamed at her that it was fine the way it was and I slammed the door shut and went to bed. At 8 pm. And like an idiot this morning, I pretended everything was ok and I make her coffee in bed. When I arrived at work, I decided to call her and tried to work it out. She told me that its my fault and that I should do what she says. I told her she promosed she would change her way after I gave the relationship a second chance but she told me she did nothing wrong and it was all my fault. She also told me that I had put a spoon in the fork area in the drawer and that also annoyed her.

And here is the killer...I am actually beginning to believe it IS my fault!!! That I should put it back exactly where it was to the millimeter, despite having no effect on the quality of the food. I think I am actually losing my mind. I have my faults too, but I treat her with respect, I would never cheat on her and I do my best to give her everything she wants.

As I read back through all this, I know I have barely scratched the surface of the stories I could tell. I do think we are finished, but I havent the courage to break up with her. The thing is, when she is not overcome by anger, she is capable of the most wonderful acts of kindness. When my family first met her, they didnt like her at all and thought she was angry and controlling. I told them that she had a tough life and that I could change her. Until today, I thought I could.

In the past, she has hinted she would kill herself if I ended it with her. She has noone here and noone to turn to. Maybe if she had, they would give her some impartial advice about things.

I really dont know what to do anymore, and I dont even know what advice I am looking for from my fellow boardsies. Anything will do

Thanks so much for reading.

Wibbs

Why are you with this woman? Seriously. Why have you stayed with her through all of her rants and abuse? No one is worth that. They really aren't. I don't care how great you think she looks, how nice she is at other times or how great she is in bed, it's never worth that level of grief. It won't get better either. Not after this length of time. Not unless you change your behaviour and get into training a child mode, which is pointless.

What do you see in your future?

Wibbs

PS ignore the killing herself threats. Emotional blackmail when taken with all her other guff.

LegacyUser

The thing is, I am 33, she is 28.

Dont get me wrong, she is a gorgeous girl (she doesnt think so, beside being size 8, blond and has been asked to do modelling) but that isnt the reason I asked her out, I did so because she was friendly and warm, and her smile melted my heart.

I dont know why we are still together. For both of us, this is our first major relationship and I wish I had more experience because I would know when it a relationship is over.

I didn't get into our sex life in the previous post because there are far more important things in our realtionship that need work. We have no sex life basically. I don't have a high sex drive by any means, but she has zero interest. In fact, she would probably be happy having sex once or twice a year. Its hard to have such an attrative gf who has no interest in sex.

As for the future, I cant see one now. I am afraid that she will treat our kids the way she treats me, and I think that is the thing that is making me finish with her.

The thing is, and this scare me the most, is that I am weak. I'll go back to pretending that I am happy with everything until it all blows up again.

Wurly

Okay - just a few points here.

You have a mind of your own and yet you are made do even the most menial things her way... Do you think thats either healthy or reasonable?

You CANT change someone. Be it bad background, tough life - whatever. I had a **** childhood but I cant expect my boyfriend to be responsible for this. And she IS holding you responsible for whatever is eating at her. You get the blame for everything. And believe me - being a scapegoat eats confidence like no other. SHE has to change herself - you simply just cant do it for her. I don't know why you'd want to.

The way you are being treated is a disgrace. And the only thing I find remarkable is that you have stayed for so long. You obviously don't have much self worth if you think this is all you deserve. If you stay in this, it WILL get worse - although it's unfathomable to imagine something worse than this.

Ignore the death threats. Attention seeking bullcrap! And if she did kill herself - would it be your fault? No, OP, it wouldnt. Clearly this woman has a million and one issues and had them before you came along. If she were to take her own life it would be due to these and the despair felt from f*cking it up with a nice bloke. But that's NONE of your business. That's her bag.

You will end up insane if you don't get out. Please please do. All of the examples of her behaviour you gave - they weren't even necessary. I knew from the first paragraph or two that things were not right. I do believe you think you are doing something wrong - hence the urgency to back up your side of the argument here. But you didn't need to do that - it's so plain as day, it's embarrassing.

Please - take whatever is left of who you are and leave this woman. I think it will take you a while to recover from this. You have been in an abusive relationship. Very abusive. And it takes time to get over these things. But just take the first step..

Best of luck.x

Wurly

dontknowanymore wrote: »

The thing is, I am 33, she is 28.

Dont get me wrong, she is a gorgeous girl (she doesnt think so, beside being size 8, blond and has been asked to do modelling) but that isnt the reason I asked her out, I did so because she was friendly and warm, and her smile melted my heart.

I dont know why we are still together. For both of us, this is our first major relationship and I wish I had more experience because I would know when it a relationship is over.

I didn't get into our sex life in the previous post because there are far more important things in our realtionship that need work. We have no sex life basically. I don't have a high sex drive by any means, but she has zero interest. In fact, she would probably be happy having sex once or twice a year. Its hard to have such an attrative gf who has no interest in sex.

As for the future, I cant see one now. I am afraid that she will treat our kids the way she treats me, and I think that is the thing that is making me finish with her.

The thing is, and this scare me the most, is that I am weak. I'll go back to pretending that I am happy with everything until it all blows up again.

I have just seen this post now.

Pretty girls are ten a penny.

So are girls who are warm and have beautiful smiles.

What is the point in being with someone romantically if you have no sex life?? Sex isn't everything but its damn important. It's what bonds a couple together.

If you are weak - then you need to change this. Do you understand? Otherwise you'll end up back here again. You are on an emotional merry go round. Maybe it's time to get off it - get some headspace and work on yourself. You need to.

I'm glad you can see there is no future. That's all you need to know. Now stop over thinking and get out of there.

LegacyUser

The worst thing is that since I met this girl, my anger has increased 10-fold. I end up screaming at her and throwing things now. I never did this before. It always happens when I get blamed for something that is not my fault and I try to explain to her, but I get ingored and she wont speak. I get so frustrated, that I have thrown things myself. The rage I feel is unbelievable.

I need to bring up another point. A few years ago, before I met her, I had worried so much about other peoples situations and the health of my family (even when there was nothing to worry about), that I think i hvae become very emotionally detatched. I dont mean that I am a cold person, but I dont let things bother me as much. I dont cry as much and I dont worry as much.

When I think about how I feel about my gf, I don't feel much anymore. I'm not sure if the reason is that I have been through so much with her, or is it because I am emotionally detached from alot of what goes on in my life.

I also had alot of bad gfs in my life, ones that wouldnt admit to their friends that they are with me, those that wouldnt show affection in public. My current gf is so proutd to have me, always shows affection in public which is heartfelt. But she can snap without warning in an instant over the tiniest thing and I am on the edge at times not knowing when she is going to snap next.

ManOfMystery

If the person you're with doesn't make you happy ............................ then what exactly is the point of being with them?

She sounds incredibly hard work, and any good points in her favour are hugely overshadowed by all the negativity she pours your way.

IMO - she has had plenty of chances, has ruined your relationship with your friends (by your own admission you haven't been out with mates in 4yrs), and has tarnished your relationship with family and other people who have to be around you as a couple. You should walk.

People who threaten suicide if you leave them are simplf self centred and trying to control you. I've had an ex do it on me, I split with her anyway and guess what - she's still around, and no doubt torturing some other poor guy.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

If the person you're with doesn't make you happy ............................ then what exactly is the point of being with them?

She sounds incredibly hard work, and any good points in her favour are hugely overshadowed by all the negativity she pours your way.

IMO - she has had plenty of chances, has ruined your relationship with your friends (by your own admission you haven't been out with mates in 4yrs), and has tarnished your relationship with family and other people who have to be around you as a couple. You should walk.

People who threaten suicide if you leave them are simplf self centred and trying to control you. I've had an ex do it on me, I split with her anyway and guess what - she's still around, and no doubt torturing some other poor guy.

The thing is, when everything is good, its very very good. She will do anthing for me, she is completely devoted and would never ever cheat on me. She makes me feel like a million dollars when things are good.

Regarding my friends, I have gone for a few drinks about twice a year, always with her. I rarely drink, but I want to have the option of being able to (maybe once a year or something) to go out and watch a game, go to the pub and night club, get langers, and fall into the bed after a great lads night out. But she tells me that she wont sleep and that I am being inconsiderate. I always back down.

Wibbs

OK I'm shooting the breeze here so bear with me and please don't take it to heart. Many men(and women) have been in your position or something similar

dontknowanymore wrote: »

The thing is, I am 33, she is 28.

Old enough for her to be at least somewhat past her fiding out who she is phase.

Dont get me wrong, she is a gorgeous girl (she doesnt think so, beside being size 8, blond and has been asked to do modelling) but that isnt the reason I asked her out, I did so because she was friendly and warm, and her smile melted my heart.

I'd also put good money you were surprised that she responded that you thought she was "out of your league". I think you are still in love with the image of that and any emotional titbit she throws your way you add to that pile and ignore the rest.

I dont know why we are still together. For both of us, this is our first major relationship and I wish I had more experience because I would know when it a relationship is over.

People stay together for many reasons. At least half of them bad. IMHO most of the time with unhealthy long termers the fear isn't so much losing the other person, but more the fear of not finding another better one.

I didn't get into our sex life in the previous post because there are far more important things in our realtionship that need work. We have no sex life basically. I don't have a high sex drive by any means, but she has zero interest. In fact, she would probably be happy having sex once or twice a year. Its hard to have such an attrative gf who has no interest in sex.

Naturally and at this stage that's something else that's unlikely to change too. I wouldn't quite agree that other areas need more work. I judge physical intimacy as a very very good indicator of the state of a relationship. I don't mean shagging 5 times a day or anything, but if there's a balanced healthy relationship going on the sex life follows that and the individuals needs are covered, whether that be once a day, once a week or once a month.

As for the future, I cant see one now. I am afraid that she will treat our kids the way she treats me, and I think that is the thing that is making me finish with her.

What should make you finish with her is how she treats you. Well Duh you say,:) but I don't think you feel you somehow deserve that. I think mostly as you said it's your first big relationship and I suspect you had only brief things with women before her. She's a big prize in your head and you may feel you'll never get another chance like this again. Trust me on this point at least, you will. With 3 billion women on the planet they're not exactly rare.

The thing is, and this scare me the most, is that I am weak. I'll go back to pretending that I am happy with everything until it all blows up again.

Yep IMHO and I'm not going to sugarcoat it, in this you are weak. Guess what, we've all been emotionally weak in some way or another. I certainly have been. Weaker than a used teabag. More than once. When I got like that it impacted how I felt as a man too which shouldn't be underestimated either. I felt even more useless and impotent, rinse and repeat. I stopped that though.

How? Well I stood back and looked really looked at what led me to that place. What I was gaining from the relationship and what I was losing. The latter was much more than the former. So I decided what my boundaries were. I decided that if she pushed them I would simply not accept that. Every time she did, I switched off. I didn't get angry with her, I just dismissed her until she calmed down or changed her behaviour. It worked too, but by the time it did, I realised that she was not what I wanted at all. I had changed and could never go back to that. I accepted that I would leave her, I accepted that I may not get that again, but I realised I would get me back. That's was the most important thing.

Again IMHO, you're staying because of the shared experiences and time, you're staying because you've little experience of what a healthy relationship should and can be, you're staying because you think she's out of your league and you won't get better and you're staying because you fear the fallout of this if you leave. Mostly the fallout emotionally for you BTW.

LegacyUser

I'm nearly crying writing this as i think about breaking up...you know why? Because I am thinking if I am doing something wrong in the relationship. I went to the place where I grew up on Saturday and as I sat outside the office block that used to be my home, I told myself that I need to get my life back on track.

Wibbs

dontknowanymore wrote: »

I also had alot of bad gfs in my life, ones that wouldnt admit to their friends that they are with me, those that wouldnt show affection in public. My current gf is so proutd to have me, always shows affection in public which is heartfelt. But she can snap without warning in an instant over the tiniest thing and I am on the edge at times not knowing when she is going to snap next.

I'm firmly of the opinion that our early relationships and how they pan out and the choices we make massively inform our later relationships. It sounds like you've sought out a succession of dodgy women. The very first probably set the pattern for the rest. Now you may have made that first choice from self esteem issues, or you're just naturally an enabler and caring type who sought out "damaged" women so you could feel like you're helping them. Common one that. The thing is you won't and even if you did, then 9 times outa 10 they will leave you at that point IME.

You say she is affectionate in public, yet your first post gave enough examples of her not being like that at all. Many of the things you gave as examples I would have scraped her off after just one of them. Now because you've an unhealthy girlfriend template in your head, you don't see these things except in extremis and even there you balance them against what you think she's doing for you.

You blame yourself, because again you see her as out of your league. That somehow you dont deserve this and your previous experience has backed this up. Add in a feeling of helplessness that you can't help her/change her and it's a helluva feedback loop you have going on there.

lira

How long has she been in the country before you met her. She sounds like one of these women who are nice and happy with you in the beginning of your relationship because they have 'plans for you'. She's probably being pressured from her relatives and from inside her head about marriage at her age. If she's past 25 and does not have a husband, in Latvia that means there's something wrong with her.

I've met a few girls from Eastern Europe like that here. Usually they end up very bitter and angry and they take it out on their partner.

Does she have any friends?

The way she screams at people and gets aggressive, that's not going to stop because that's what she'd do in her own country and it's considered more or less normal Oh and threatening to kill herself too by the way. Tell her to grow up.

Get out as soon as you can man. You're going to loose the best years of your life on this woman, is that how you'd like to remember yourself in 20 years time? Just get your things and book a room at a mates house.

LegacyUser

Regarding her family, her mum and dad are divorced since she was 13. When we met, she told me of how her mum and only sister always ganged up on her and treated her badly. I have known both of them for 4 years now and they are lovely people. They see I am a good guy and they are very fond of me. However, this now means that if they agree with me, I get the "ye are all against me" line from the gf.

As I said before, my gf has gotten an earful from them about treating me alot better.

starchild27

It will be better for you both in the long term. Clearly your OH has some issues that need addressing and she'll be in a better position to do that if you split. Easier said than done. But it would seem you need to finish this.

Who knows maybe with some time apart she may realise how shamefully she has treated you. It may be too little too late to save your relationship with each other but at least she will learn a valueable lesson.

Best of luck to you

lira

Yah and my family ganged up on me when I acted the pup too! This is her. This is how she is. And she doesn't seem to want to change.
She just sounds very spoilt.
So what if she thinks 'you're all against me' ? At the end of the day even if you go and live your life happy without her, she'd still have her family. And you'll have your sanity.

buckieburd

dontknowanymore wrote: »

I rarely drink, but I want to have the option of being able to (maybe once a year or something) to go out and watch a game, go to the pub and night club, get langers, and fall into the bed after a great lads night out. But she tells me that she wont sleep and that I am being inconsiderate. I always back down.

This really stuck a cord with me, read that back to yourself. Once a year you want to go out with the lads? That is no life for anyone, if one of your friends came to you and told you exactly what you have told us, what would you say to them?

You should speak to one of your mates, tell them everything, that your going to break up with her and you might need someone to give you a bit of support. If you tell someone it will be harder to change your mind and give into her.

And the bit about her at your Gran funeral is just disgusting, for that alone you should kick her to the curb.

buckieburd

Oh and if I were you I'd dump her quick, before she 'accidently' gets pregnant...

Sleipnir

dontknowanymore wrote: »

And here is the killer...I am actually beginning to believe it IS my fault!!! That I should put it back exactly where it was to the millimeter, despite having no effect on the quality of the food. I think I am actually losing my mind. I have my faults too, but I treat her with respect, I would never cheat on her and I do my best to give her everything she wants.

That part, in my opinion, is the most telling part of your post. To be honest, it sounds to me like you're the victim of domestic abuse. While it's not physical abuse that doesn't mean it's not abuse.

In relation to what I quoted above, have a read of the "How Men Cope" section of http://www.amen.ie/victims.html and tell us if you find yourself doing any of those things.

Also, the "I'll kill myself if you leave me" ploy is another example of abuse or in particular, control.
Do you want kids? Or more to the point, do you want to bring kids into a situation where they may also be subjected to abuse? If your answer is 'yes' to the first and 'no' to the second question then you know what you need to do.

LegacyUser

My brother is in a similar relationship to you except that he got married to the girl. His life is a nightmare to say the least, but he seems to think that this is all he deserves so won't get out of it.

Please read back over all your posts and see how bad your life is with this girl & leave now. Think how much harder it will be to break up in another year or five down the road. You deserve better than her.

LegacyUser

You may all laugh at this, but 2 weeks after we met, I spent ages making the nicest possible dinner I could (hard work for a single guy ). She arrived at my place straight after work and it was due to be ready in about 5 minutes.

She screamed at me for not having it ready when she arrived.

Looking back at this and after rereading my post above in its entirety, I've been an idiot.

Wibbs

That penny dropping is the start of something within you. You do have the power to change this and your life. More than you know. That'll be the next penny to drop.

LegacyUser

Sleipnir wrote: »

That part, in my opinion, is the most telling part of your post. To be honest, it sounds to me like you're the victim of domestic abuse. While it's not physical abuse that doesn't mean it's not physical abuse.

In relation to what I quoted above, have a read of the "How Men Cope" section of http://www.amen.ie/victims.html and tell us if you find yourself doing any of those things.

Also, the "I'll kill myself if you leave me" ploy is another example of abuse or in particular, control.
Do you want kids? Or more to the point, do you want to bring kids into a situation where they may also be subjected to abuse? If your answer is 'yes' to the first and 'no' to the second question then you know what you need to do.

From the website...

go into another room or lock themselves away in a safe place
When I am so angry at her, I sometimes lock myself into the bathroom because I am afraid I will do something really harmful to her.

leave the dwelling, go to family or friends
I do this a lot, but I have no friends to talk to.

sleep in their car, shed, garage or wherever they can find shelter
She would wreck the house if i did that. Besides, i wouldnt do it to her because I am afraid she would not have a good night sleep and go to work angry where she might lose her job. Sad, but thats the truth. Thats the reason I spoke to her this morning.


promise to do whatever she asks or demands
Not so much

accept responsibility for all sorts of untrue accusations
I do this. Alot. And I am sick of it. As I said, I'm actually beginning to believe the accusations.

cover up for their violent partner.
I do this too. I am always defending her anger or moods to friends and family.

LegacyUser

I need to be honest with all of you. In the last year, I have become alot angrier with her and I have started to snap more and more. I have no one to talk to and I think I am becoming a worse person.

Since I met her, I have done some things that I would never have done before. Not to my family, my friends or indeed my enemies. I am not proud of them. I'm a simple guy with simple pleasures, I love to help people, I am kind and caring, I cry at films and at animal cruelty, I help people with their shopping, I give to charity- I'm just old fashioned I guess. (edit: and what annoys me the most about all this, my gf, when she is not a fcuking lunatic, is the very same)

It always happen when I am trying to resolve an argument that she is at fault for and she just ignores me. I try my best to resolve but I end up agreeing it was my fault. It drives me absolutely insane. I cant even begin to describe it. I have thrown a christmas tree across a room (not at her, she was in a different room). I have thrown a shirt on the ground in a retail store. I have spat at her. I actually pushed her in broad daylight in the middle of a city centre. I feel so ashamed of that you wouldnt believe. It doesnt matter what she did to me, I have no excuse. When she makes me this angry now, I leave the house because I cannot control the rage she makes me feel anymore. I really do think am losing who I am.

Thing is, when its her fault and I take the blame for the sake of the relationship, I absolutely die inside and she forgets all about it. This leaves me very angry inside and she wonders what is wrong with me. When I tell her, she says to get over it.

LegacyUser

I was bullied in work a while back and I can relate to those feelings of anger. I used to blow up over the slightest thing & I could never understand why. It was only when I was no longer working there that I realised it was related to the bullying. I think the anger builds up because you're so frustrated & feel so helpless with what is happening to you.

However you are not helpless - you have the power to change your situation. You need to break up with this girl now for your own sanity.

Taltos

OP

you have told us that your anger is building since this all kicked off.
How soon before you get to a point and you can't control it and hurt someone? How will you life be then when you are locked up for GBH or worse...

Do yourself a favour.
Print this chain out twice - pack your bags and leave.
Leave 1 copy on the table at home - with a note - "I have left, I am not coming back. Goodbye."
Keep the other copy with you - put it up somewhere you will see it everyday and get some help for yourself in dealing with the anger.

You are NOT at fault for how this person is - you cannot change her.
You though are responsible ONLY for you - take control now - leave before you are guilted into staying or she "falls" pregnant by mistake. Actually when you leave be prepared for the "Oh I am pregnant how could you leave me..." - if she really is say "congratulations, I will need a DNA test on that then ASAP".... If you are pay the maintenance, seek custody - but never ever go back - she will only get worse.

But FGS get the crap out of there now - before it is too late.

metrovelvet

If you dont get out now you will not only end up exploding all over the place but eventually one day you will snap and do something you will regret and possibly go to prison for, and you will be on here and everyone will tell you what a rotten person you are and that there is no excuse for hitting someone.

You are in the early stage cycles of the dynamics of domestic violence. Get out.

Peggypeg

Hey Hugs to you. I'm just going to be honest with you here. That relationship sounds sick and damaged, it doesn't sound like you're getting much joy from it either. From the sounds of it you're so used to being with her that you're just sticking it out. That is no way to live. She sounds like a control freak. What you need to do is, go home, pack up, leave. That's it. I did it at the end of a 5 year relationship that just plain wasn't working and I tell you it's the best thing I ever did, I shudder to think I could still be there. It sounds so monumental - leaving. but it's actually not monumental at all, just do one step at a time. Go home, pack up, leave. If you don't think you can tell your gf face to face, write it down for her and leave it there. Nothing is worth what you're going through. I know it's not very pc but YOU OWE HER NOTHING!!! The only person you're responsible for is yourself, you're in charge of your happiness and she's in charge of hers. Take control of your life and get out of there. Also make sure you use protection if you continue to sleep with her, I wouldn't put it past a person as controlling as that to have a baby to trap you. Honestly though having broken out of a relationship I felt completely trapped in I can tell you it's super suprisingly easy.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

If you dont get out now you will not only end up exploding all over the place but eventually one day you will snap and do something you will regret and possibly go to prison for, and you will be on here and everyone will tell you what a rotten person you are and that there is no excuse for hitting someone.

You are in the early stage cycles of the dynamics of domestic violence. Get out.

I have never snapped at another person the way I snap at her. I'm actually an incredibly diplomatic guy. I have never been in a fight and I have never even spoken to a member of the Gardai except to ask for directions or something. I don't think that will ever change, and If I get that anygry anymore, i put on my shoes and walk out the door.

The fact is, I shouldn't have to.

Guys what is normal in a relationship regarding arguments? Once a week or something?

metrovelvet

^ that is exactly right.

You will pack up. You will be afraid. You will be said because you are breaking a bond. But once you leave the house you will feel like a pillow has just been taken off your face.

I was referring to the penultimate post.

LegacyUser

French23 wrote: »

Hey Hugs to you. I'm just going to be honest with you here. That relationship sounds sick and damaged, it doesn't sound like you're getting much joy from it either. From the sounds of it you're so used to being with her that you're just sticking it out. That is no way to live. She sounds like a control freak. What you need to do is, go home, pack up, leave. That's it. I did it at the end of a 5 year relationship that just plain wasn't working and I tell you it's the best thing I ever did, I shudder to think I could still be there. It sounds so monumental - leaving. but it's actually not monumental at all, just do one step at a time. Go home, pack up, leave. If you don't think you can tell your gf face to face, write it down for her and leave it there. Nothing is worth what you're going through. I know it's not very pc but YOU OWE HER NOTHING!!! The only person you're responsible for is yourself, you're in charge of your happiness and she's in charge of hers. Take control of your life and get out of there. Also make sure you use protection if you continue to sleep with her, I wouldn't put it past a person as controlling as that to have a baby to trap you. Honestly though having broken out of a relationship I felt completely trapped in I can tell you it's super suprisingly easy.

Best of luck.

Thing is, she has recently decided that she is going off the pill, despite me pleading with her. As I said earlier, we have almost no sexlife. She went on the pill to deal with irreguar periods and her moods were actually better on the pill.

She knows she has a problem, she has admitted it to me, but she wont do a thing about it. If she went to anger management or counselling, it would be a start but she won't.

Wibbs

dontknowanymore wrote: »

Guys what is normal in a relationship regarding arguments? Once a week or something?

Nope in general, but regardless I think you're faltering yet again and looking for an excuse to stay, to try again, to fix it. By your decriptions this is not even close to a healthy relationship. Lightyears away. Ditto for your relationship with yourself too IMHO.

Wurly

I'm thrilled you are starting to see the light.

Look - i'm like you - I help other people to the point where I have nothing left for myself. But I know in my heart that I must come first. I was bullied for years and years and had a crappy upbringing. I was put in sh*te situations. I know where my need to 'help' others comes from. it's not healthy though. Neither is yours.

There is helping and there is being a complete fcking doormat. If you help someone, it should never be to the detriment of yourself. I'm learning this. I hope you do too.

I too had anger - still do a little. Hard not to when you're blamed for everything and no-one 'gets' you. When you feel taken for a mug over and over? Yep - that pushes my buttons too.

But here's the thing - you have GOT to STOP putting yourself in these situations. All of these things are learned responses. So they can be unlearned too. And that's empowering, isn't it?? That puts you back in the driving seat.

You are by no means an idiot. To call yourself an idiot would be to ridicule every person on this earth. We are all somewhat affected by our past and what happened to us. We learn to function in our own misery. It gets comfortable there and so the desire to break free becomes unknown scary territory. Many stay there all their lives. Some - like you and like me know we deserve better. An idiot? No, I think not.

Do you like reading? 'Your Erroneous (not erogenous btw - lol) Zones' by Dr Wayne W Dyer absolutely saved my life. I re-read it again when I indulge back to old bad habits. I think it would be a great read for you during this time.

What I am trying to say is - while your current situation may be a little extreme insofar as the behaviour you have been putting up with - you are by no means unique. I think a lot of people in this world put up with a lot more than they'd like to admit. Or they don't treat themselves as well as they deserve.

You have taken the first step. Good for you! But stop trying to fix her or say 'if only she'd do x and y'. Like you said - she wont. Its over. And for you - that's a bloody good thing!

Wibbs

dontknowanymore wrote: »

Thing is, she has recently decided that she is going off the pill, despite me pleading with her. As I said earlier, we have almost no sexlife. She went on the pill to deal with irreguar periods and her moods were actually better on the pill.

You know this is so close to the script of how this guff goes down it's scary. You're damn near an archetype for it. Next scene may well be, time of peace, her getting all romantic, then pregnant.

She knows she has a problem, she has admitted it to me, but she wont do a thing about it.

Of curse she won't. Why? Because it works basically. She shouts, you shout, she gets her way. She has control. She has various excuses for her guff. Why should she give all of that up.

If she went to anger management or counselling, it would be a start but she won't.

No she won't, because although she may admit this from time to time it's as a sop to you, all words.

paperclip2

How do you feel you should treat someone you love?
Is this how you are being treated?

As for arguments and how often. Well it varies, but the rational and adult treatment of a disagreement between a loving couple is nothing like the dynamic you have described in your relationship.

metrovelvet

dontknowanymore wrote: »

I have never snapped at another person the way I snap at her. I'm actually an incredibly diplomatic guy. I have never been in a fight and I have never even spoken to a member of the Gardai except to ask for directions or something. I don't think that will ever change, and If I get that anygry anymore, i put on my shoes and walk out the door.

The fact is, I shouldn't have to.

Guys what is normal in a relationship regarding arguments? Once a week or something?

I have no doubt that you are, but everyone has a limit and so do you and yours are being tested. There may come a time where she might block the door when you try to get out. It happens.

Next time you put on your shoes and walk out the door, do yourself a favor and dont walk back in.

Wibbs

Trí wrote: »

I'm thrilled you are starting to see the light.

I hope you're right, but my take is he's needed to get this out and now that it's coming out he's seeing some of what's wrong, but now with this release he's convincing himself to try one more time....

Wurly

Wibbs wrote: »

I hope you're right, but my take is he's needed to get this out and now that it's coming out he's seeing some of what's wrong, but now with this release he's convincing himself to try one more time....

Hmm - yes. Well when I started writing my previous post, it looked to me like he was starting to 'cop on'.

But alas, after I posted, I see that he is starting with the 'what if's'.

So Wibbs - I do hope you're wrong on this one... But I think I agree with you.

OP - do me a favour. Will you read through all of the advice in this thread again? Will you read your initial post as the third person and take yourself out of the situation for a moment.

What is the reason that you want to try AGAIN with this girl? And for god's sake - WHAT do you think will be different this time?

Wasn't it Einstein that said the definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. This is what you're doing so I ask you.. What do you think the result is gonna be?

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

I hope you're right, but my take is he's needed to get this out and now that it's coming out he's seeing some of what's wrong, but now with this release he's convincing himself to try one more time....

I actually am, Wibbs. You have given me advise before and you are never wrong.

I'm sitting here and thinking of all the great times we had and still do have. I know she loves me very much, more than anything else in the world, but then she treats me so badly.

I so badly want her to go to anger management or counselling but she keeps putting it on the back burner.

metrovelvet

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167

I think you might want to read this article on stockholm syndrome.

Does this ring a bell?

LegacyUser

dontknowanymore wrote: »

I actually am, Wibbs. You have given me advise before and you are never wrong.

I'm sitting here and thinking of all the great times we had and still do have. I know she loves me very much, more than anything else in the world, but then she treats me so badly.

I so badly want her to go to anger management or counselling but she keeps putting it on the back burner.

And yet, I know in my heart it wont be enough. Marriage, kids, divorce. Thats all I can see if we continue. She wants to get married and have kids so badly but I want to wait until we both have the careers to give our children the very best.

Tri, book ordered from Amazon.

Peggypeg

I honestly do feel for you, there's so many "what if"s and "what about" and "why"s and all the scenarios you play out in your head that means everything is ok and you don't have to leave. Guess what sweetie? That is only going to continue for as long as you stay there. I hope you have the sense to declare that "today 7 September 2009 is INDEPENDENCE Day", sounds dramatic doesn't it? Well I'm not ripping the p*ss, my own indepence day was in 06 and my god how my life has changed, I love my life, I can honestly tell you if I hadn't left I would hate me life. Please stop dithering OP, you know what you want - you want happiness and fun and love, you are not going to get any of those things with your gf. All you're getting is kicks to the self confidence, anger, hurt, pain. Come on, I did it and I never thought I could, and it was so bloody easy you won't believe me but it is. This is what to do:

Call a friend/family, tell them you're moving out and can you stay with them.

Make sure GF is out, go in and pack everything you can that's important to you.

Leave GF a letter, tell her there is no going back, it's over, there'll be no discussing it, it's over!!!

Stand up straight, put your shoulders back and walk out into a new FREE life of endless possibilities.

Please OP make a decision and follow up on it, the sooner you're out of there the sooner you'll feel better.

Sleipnir

dontknowanymore wrote: »

I know she loves me very much, but then she treats me so badly.

Non sequitur!

Wibbs

dontknowanymore wrote: »

And yet, I know in my heart it wont be enough.

There was someone else here recently going through similar and it's very common for people to get caught with people who will rarely if ever be satisfied. Whether it be that old chestnut low self esteem, self absorption, sense of entitlement or whatever, they lurch from one hassle and requirement to the next with their partner playing catchup out of concern or for the quiet life. I have defo been there, though more subtle and less overt than your situation. I also think those with those types are enablers of them I was that too. What I have learned over the years is those type of people should never be with enablers and those type of people very very rarely change for any length of time. It's all about them and their needs Enablers can as it's usually more about others and their needs.

Marriage, kids, divorce. Thats all I can see if we continue. She wants to get married and have kids so badly but I want to wait until we both have the careers to give our children the very best.

Yep she wants the next step, again each step will satisfy her for a time but it won't last. It'll never be good enough and you'll never do enough. You may well spend your life running after something that's always out of reach. I know way too many men who have done this(and women too BTW tho IMHO it's more women who do this in this particular way anyway. Men tend to be the physical control and thumpage types).

vandermeyde

dontknowanymore wrote: »

And yet, I know in my heart it wont be enough. Marriage, kids, divorce. Thats all I can see if we continue. She wants to get married and have kids so badly but I want to wait until we both have the careers to give our children the very best.

For the love of god, don't be bringing children into the dysfunctional insanity that you call a relationship with this woman. Pick whatever dignity and self respect you have up off the floor and leave. When you've left you'll need to deal with your self esteem, passive agressive and assertivesness issues.

liah

vandermeyde wrote: »

For the love of god, don't be bringing children into the dysfunctional insanity that you call a relationship with this woman. Pick whatever dignity and self respect you have up off the floor and leave. When you've left you'll need to deal with your self esteem, passive agressive and assertivesness issues.

+1.

She treats you this badly. You already know she wants marriage and children. If you continue with her, that's what she'll get-- and can you honestly, truly justify enabling her to act how she does with you with innocent children?

Could you deal with her throwing things and screaming and freaking out around the kids like she does with you? Could you honestly deal with the guilt of putting a child in that situation?

Obviously not (at least, I hope it's obvious). You have no future with this woman-- especially if your end goal is a happy marriage and kids.

metrovelvet

You know what? If you end up having kids with her you are going to take all this crap out on your kids because you cant defend or stand up for yourself. You will be a beaten man seen as weak by her and by your kids.

Honestly, I think you are so far deep and brainwashed that no amount of words here are going to get you to see the light. It will take something drastic or a shrink to get you moving.

LegacyUser

wow.

ok - you do know you are being subjected to domestic abuse here don't you ? Look this person clearly needs to spend months/years in therapy before being ready for a relationship. You can't fix her. You need to get away from her because she is ruining your life.

She's off the pill now ? Is this since you threatened to leave ? Has it occured to you she might be trying to get knocked up to trap you ?


Something that seems to be important to you is that you feel she would never cheat on you. but seriously.....how do I make this point with enough gravity......I WOULD RATHER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO CHEATS ON ME THAN SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME THE WAY YOUR GIRLFRIEND TREATS YOU. SERIOUSLY. Some things are worse than cheating. This is one.


You keep saying you are weak. You are not weak. you just care about her. THats ok. But now you need to care about YOU!! You cannot help her. After 4 years you know this. So face up to it before its too late. Leave.

Taltos

dontknowanymore wrote: »

I'm sitting here and thinking of all the great times we had and still do have. I know she loves me very much, more than anything else in the world, but then she treats me so badly.

Sorry mods...

OP - fgs - would you cop onto yourself... Man - you are freaking me out now.
Re-read everything you have posted - how in the names of all that burns in Hades is that LOVE???
Seriously - she is power-tripping on you - that is all.
She doesn't love you - she doesn't care ONE iota about you.
If she did do you really think she would be hurting you like this?
She is tearing you down - one piece at a time and you are sitting there blithely muttering to yourself - "ah but she loves me, it'll get better" - get better me ar*e....

Order a book - how long will that take to arrive - what do you think she will do when she sees it? And then to read it.. She is already off the pill and planning the final trap for you. GET OUT NOW.

<deep breath>
Listen, if this woman really cared for you even a little she would have already changed by now. Instead while she has changed - it has only been to behave even worse. Each time she flares and you stay - she is making you more accepting of her totally unacceptable behaviour.
You are only there to make her feel better about herself - a symbol of her control over another human. And now she is planning to have a kid - someone to rear and mould in her image who will HATE you too.

Leave - leave now - tonight. Go to counselling, stay with a friend - but never ever look back and think of going to that hellhole. Life is meant to be about good experiences and growing - instead with the pressure you are under you will either be dead early or be wishing for it in a few years because all of your self confidence will have been totally and utterly destroyed.

Leave

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'm sitting here in a webcafe talking to an old friend on facebook.

Anyways, she returned home today and asked if I wanted to talk. I know what that means...it means that she hasnt backed down. She thinks she is right in all this and if I speak to her, it will either end in another argument or me backing down.

SO I went out, went for a long walk and am staying here for a while.

Thanks for all the comments guys, I have reread the entire thread more than once, and I know what I have to do...its terrifying me but I know we have no future. I know if we have kids and this continues, I wont be able to shout or argue and I will probably end up leaving or harming myself because I will not be able to defend myself anymore.

Permabear

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