TCN NEWS - TODAY'S NEWS, WHENEVER.

James T Kirk

HEADLINES

Pope in file sharing scandal.

Scientist says trousers are pointless.

The sandwich that eats itself: "It saved my life" says stressed surgeon.

Cancer causes cancer.

A man shoots another man.

Eh... More to come...

joes girls

just in....more on the sandwich that eats itself. According to sources at tilly ER, the sandwich is fighting for his life, after getting a chicken bone lodged between his crusts. DR Radish spent several seconds tryin to unlodge the bone but the sandwich slipped into an uncookscious state, more on the sandwich been recovered as it comes in....

This is Joes Girls(who is not a man or have any girls) reporting for TCN NEWS!!!

cyberwolf77

Man bites dog.
"Stupid dog bit me yesterday and nobody showed up, I bite back and suddenly it's news. Get off my lawn!"

Hermy

Eat food!

Carroller16

"BREATHING IS NECESSARY" claimed Dr. Ayneed Air after a group of protesters gathered outside the doors of the Air Quality Universal Authority (AQUA). The protesters claim they do not want to breathe but Dr. Air claims that they will need to in order to survive.

We will have more on this at 6.

Carroller16 reporting for TCN News - Dublin

homah_7ft

The news that a new scientific study claiming trousers to be pointless has sparked widespread condemnation in the cuckoo's nest today. The study published in the journal, Old Scientists, links the wearing of trousers to absolutely nothing. A spokesperson for The Trouser Institute of TCN hit back at the study calling it boring, too long to read and that at least one spelling mistake was made. The spokesperson added that trousers had be shown to save 3 lives every year in Ireland and that without trousers pockets would never have been invented.

joes girls

Follow up!

Sandwich has been kept in clingfilm isolation to stop any chance of mouldillitis. Also his "blood tomatoes are not red enough" quoted by nurse bloody mary.
There is also fear that gangrene may set into his lower lettuce leaf's. Dr Radish said that so far no sign of his ham curling up and is still a heathy pinkish colour, which he hopes shows signs of promise,he also said that the surgeon, whos life sandwich saved. Has got a new yeast of life, and is gettin butter by the day,which he says is all thanks to sandwich.

More as we get it.

This has been Joes girls(who lost a fiver, but found a penny) reporting for TCN NEWS!!!

Toasty113

I'm back:D And figures show I have 8% less liver function, 1/3 more confidence, and remain 74% human

Jesus Wept

Hermy

In other news tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

Ghost Train

Hermy wrote: »

In other news tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

well at least its not due to lack of internet.... that would be much worse

Ruu_Old

Reports are coming in just now, yes here it is, the end of the internet has been located!

ynotdu

Reuters...........................................in breaking news Taoiseach Brian Cowan has 'invited' Brian Turbity into a debate in the Dail.....................................a million people were killed in an Earthquake in China...........it is thought one of them may be British..................

Matt Holck

"I won't a song
I wrote a song for you
and everything you do
and it was called yellow"

cold play

Carroller16

coldplay fever has hit Dublin -

Several people have reported a cooling effect coming from their play buttons on the radio.

One Dubliner exclaimed! "Rewind is Normal, Fast Forward is normal but my play button is like the Antarctic ...

C16 reporting for TCN News

ynotdu

AFP.................... the FTSE has put it in its mouth...............

Toasty113

Man cuts grass, grass claims assault!

Guillotine cures Migraine! Doctors say: "Well they stopped complaining of the headaches afterwards"

Computer games come to life :pac:. . . . . . < _<!


Polite indefference porn craze sweeps nation: Enthusiasts say "Meh"

A set of keys has been lost by a young mother, more on this as the story unfolds

And in lighter news, 12 people were killed by a suicide bomb earlier this week. What will those crazy extremist gerbels get up to next!

James T Kirk

BREAKING NEWS!No... wait a minute... Sorry... eh... there's no breaking news at this time. My mistake. Thought I heard something there. Sorry folks...

Matt Holck

maybe someday

joes girls

TODAYS WEATHER

It will be dull in the west, but clearing to a fine wet day by midnight!

Dublin is a little on the hot side, after Cork fired several missiles at it this morning, in a final attempt to be the capital of ireland!!

The sunny southeast is the same as it is everyday, chilly and dark!!!

The north of the country is the same as it was in 1984!!!!

This has been Joes Girls(who needs a hat) with your weather report for TCN news!!!!!

kerash

Todays Headlines:

Could be a Leprechaun, could be a crackhead -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vi35H9H4Og

JUST IN!!

Boy - LIKES TURTLES

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y

more on that story later...

joes girls

Thanks for that Kerash, our vt editor.

News now of pandemonium that caused alot of confusion on boards last night.
Some posters were stuck to their seats, some wanted to get sticky, and some were just too unfussed, to let the stickiness happen.
Those that had a brain, got sticky with a chair on wheels, so they could scoot to their laptop to report back on the levels of sticky as it was unfolding.
It caused a spike on channel 10 as trillions tuned back in at 11.40 last night, to watch and hope that the sticky would come over them at this time.

More on all the sticky news as i get it,
This has been Joes Girls(who got sticky with it) reporting for TCN news!!!

joes girls

Todays top story!!!


There has been an increasing number of people called Paul checking into tilly hospital.They are all suffering with exhaustion, and stress.
I spoke to Mr Paul Rolls earlier, he told me the cause of his illness, is the number of people who are calling to his door who all want to do a pooh at Pauls house!
He is under financial pressure just to keep up with the amount of loo rolls thats needed, which together with continual trips to the shops is all causing his exhaustion.
He has now changed his name to Freddie, in hopes of putting an end to it, and going on to lead a normal life.We hope to get more comments from more Pauls later in the day.

This has been Joes Girls(who only pooh's in joes house) reporting for TCN news!!!

staker

There is no new.

ynotdu

.............................just in Barack seeks the support of the KKK for his healthcare plan.............................................Brian Cowen leaving his local declared that people should vote YES NO and MAY'BE to Lisbon...................Cowan denies rumours of an affair between him and Mary Coughlan insisting that the Electrote are a "shower of fcukers"...........................Mary Harney says her bed has ALWAYS been closed..........................in a meeting tonight about NAMA the Green party voted to suspend the order of buisness and smoke weed instead to clear their heads...........................................................Enda Kennys wife said he is too busy washing the dish,s to comment............................Eamonn Gilmore criticised criticism that was'nt his.................................................

Deki

In local news it was announced today that a man had shot and killed himself then turned the gun on his family.
Police have began a campaign to run down jaywalkers.
In state news It was announced today by Jack Hanna that recent attempts at panda mating failed; zoo vetrenarian forced to take over.
Washington: in exclusive interview with Letterman Obama was quoted commenting
"War has dimmed all hopes for peace."
On the international scene; Typhoon rips through cemetery -hundreds dead.
Weatherwise : Scientist have linked the recent cold wave to temperature.
Stay tuned for further developments...

joes girls

very important news!!!


News just in of a mysterious disappearance today. Prawns came into the nest, to search out its leader. At aproximately 1.30 today, the prawns took Koth from the count thread, and transported him to their mother ship, Leaving only a message, that they would return in 3 years.
Fearing this would be the end of the count, James T Kirk(or kirky as i like to call him) was called on to rescue Koth.
In an interview Kirky told me that he had to fire up all engines and go to warp speed to catch the mother ship. He rammed it several time, until she lost all power. He then secured the ship with his big tractor beam and brought it back to earth with a bang!
Saving koth. Speaking with Koth, he told me that they were only interested in his desire and love of numbers, they wanted him to breed with their females to make the future race more intelligent.
He said just as he was getting jiggy with it, Kirky came storming in, all he remembers is she had cold hands!
Koth is now recovering in tilly ER, and kirky is out for a few spicy rums, and telling his stories of boldy going where no man dares.


This has been Joes Girls(who has came over all kinky for kirky) reporting for TCN news!!!

Thomas828

The television critic for the London Evening Standard, Victor Lewis-Smith, was injured in a car crash. He was rushed to hospital. His condition is described as critical.

Toasty113

And heres Toasty with todays top headlines

Thanks Tom, as you can see we're here outside the Dail with thousands of protesters who say that they are not happy with the second lisbon treaty referendum. They say, and I qoute "Why do we have to vote yes or no, why not bob, or catnip. This new political party has been gaining momentum, and if things continue going theeir way, we may just be able to vote for bob again.

In other news there been reports of strange feelings up peoples legs and a strange message from a man who takes responsibility for these pant invasions calling himself the Arouser. Batman refuses to get up and go after this criminal saying only that he's "pitching a tent"

Back to you Tom

James T Kirk

Thanks, Toast. Tom is busy at the moment snorting coke-- er, I mean on another story. But in other news! Everything's great! Yes! Just great! *sobs when cameras turn off*

joes girls

Hands kirky a tissue, sorry i will stop wearing skirts so short in future!

TODAYS NEWS!

Ireland has came out to say yes .......the man from Del-Monte will be pleased!

Catnip has reportedly tried to blow down Batmans tent, on the M50, garda had to close down the busy motorway to allow Batman to gather up his tent, and pitch it in a secret location!(a field near you)

Ugg boots and hangbags are for sale for sex, in the TCN, the vice squad are looking into this.

Orange lights in the night sky are been reported all over Ireland, the man from Del-Monte will comment later!

This has been Joes Girls(who has seen the Hoff) reporting for TCN news!!!

Newsflash!!!

Not much in at the moment, but someone has stolen Batmans tent from secret field. Garda have said they will find who did it, there is only so long you can hide such a big tent, more on this as it comes in!!!

colrow

The cost of cashing in your coins

By Paul Lewis
Presenter, Radio 4's Money Box



You can only pay for 20p worth of goods with copper coins
Many of us put our small change into an old jam jar or pot to stop it making holes in our pockets or bursting out of our purses.

But when the containers are all full how do you turn several kilograms of steel and cupro-nickel coins into currency you can spend easily?

One way is to use the coin changing machines that are spreading through our supermarkets.

Coinstar claims its customers make 200,000 visits a week to its 1,500 machines. It says, at each visit, they tip small change worth an average £28 into the hopper.

Changed at a charge

But the service is not free. At the moment the machine will charge a 'processing fee' of 7.9%. So £10 of small change will be converted to a voucher for £9.21.



There are 1,500 of these machines in supermarkets around the UK
And Coinstar told Radio 4's Money Box that it is in the process of raising its charges from 7.9% to 8.9% - an extra penny off each pound changed.

A spokesman said: "The fee covers the costs of processing the money, collecting it, a field team of engineers, and a small profit for Coinstar and the supermarkets.

"The costs of processing and security have gone up."

Paying for convenience

Nick Harris, Coinstar's operations manager, told the programme that customers were happy to pay the new fee.

"The fee's never been an issue. Our customers don't object to it. The supermarkets receive a portion of the fee and they also benefit from the sales.

"People tend to buy treats. It's found money and people are happy to spend it."

The voucher can be used to pay in the supermarket or cashed at the customer service till.

Taking cash to the bank

Coinstar is cashing in on the growing reluctance of banks to take change.

LEGAL TENDER GUIDELINES


£5 (Crown) - for any amount
£2 - for any amount
£1 - for any amount
50p - for £10 or less
25p (Crown) - for £10 or less
20p - for £10 or less
10p - for £5 or less
5p - for £5 or less
2p - for 20p or less
1p - for 20p or less
Source: Royal Mint
They will only do it for their own customers and insist it has to be sorted into different denominations and put in their own bags in set amounts - £1 for coppers, £5 for silver, and so on.

Some banks limit the number of bags they will take per day, others will refuse to take bags of change at busy times and Royal Bank of Scotland told Money Box it may charge regular coin changers £2.

HSBC takes a different view. It has free coin changing machines in 200 of its branches and Barclays says it now has 15. They count coins and credit accounts immediately.

Another option is to try to spend it. But there are legal rules on how much shops have to accept - though many will accept more.

What is in your piggy bank?

But there may be an easier way.


Blogger James Watson collects the items rejected by coin machines
James Watson studies Coinstar machines and collects the items people try to put into them which are rejected - a lot of foreign coins, a farthing a century old, washers, and a shelf support. Photographs of his found items appear on his blog.

"These things I find are almost like time capsules. They hark back to a story. It's almost a modern form of archaeology," he told Money Box.

"You're looking at people's rubbish. You are picking up these coins and washers, tablets and ringpulls, and to me it's just fascinating. I want to know more about the people behind them. I want to know their story."

But Mr Watson has his own way of getting rid of small change free.

Best bit


"I'm not paying 7.9%! I use what I call the clever man's way," he said. "Get what you want, then use the self-scan tills, feed in a handful of coins, as much as you can. Then pay the rest by card."

colrow

'Witch' wanted in Wookey
Wednesday, 8 July 2009 16:22
Grab your black pointy hat and refresh your memory on how to turn your grumpy neighbour into a mouse because Somerset tourist attraction Wookey Hole caves is advertising for a 'witch'.

The €62,000 a year job has already received 100 applicants this week.


Legend has it that the caves, near Wells, were home to the Wookey Witch who was turned to stone by the medieval Abbott of Glastonbury to rid villagers of her curse.


AdvertisementThe vacancy has arisen because the previous witch has retired.


The successful candidate, who will be living in a 'spacious' cave, has to cackle, not be allergic to cats and will be asked to perform 'a range of tasks' including magic at an open audition scheduled for 28 July.


But the appointee need not be scary.

'We want a friendly witch with a devilish element,' Gayle Pennington, marketing assistant at the caves said. 'We're a family attractions place so we don't want to frighten the children.'

In keeping with modern times, the role is open to men, women and trans-gender witches to comply with sexual discrimination laws.

Toasty113

This just in, news is new. What do you think of this Frank?

homah_7ft

Good evening and welcome to the TCN 18.58 news. The headlines this Friday coffee time:
Talks at McDonald's house between Hermy and Koth continue as the number count dispute rumbles on;

A police search has been called off following the discovery that JG is alive and well serving as a pirate captain off the carib-bean island of cheesy;

and Deki of the university of nest studies announces the discovery of a completely new species of wolf.

Toasty113

And in nest sports this week:

The last to post thread is reaching a climax. Viewers agree JG is turned on by some weird thing

This week sees the opening of a pirate thread, heres what they said: YARRRR!
Insightful stuff

Lets Count To A Million: Lost count

On to weather:

Its raining men! Deathtole said to be in the thousands

An ominous cloud is approaching, stop eating beans colrow

Possibility of a cold snap later in the week followed by embarassing holiday photos

This has been Toasty, reporting to you live from your blind spot

James T Kirk

NEWS! NOW! RIGHT UP YOUR FACE!

Fago!

A very good evening and welcome to TCN News at 19:49, I'm Fago:

Reports are flooding in that the number "Seven" has been arrested on suspicion of Murder and Canniballism.
There are many theories as to what exactly happened, but "One" source has said that it is because "Seven Eight Nine"

In other news the Queen has dismissed claims she's dropping out of upcoming Concert in The O2 in Dublin. "E.J" as she might be known said that it's a rubbish claim and she will be belting out hits such as "I'm still standin'", "Circle of Life" and a one off performance of "Candle in the Wind"

Tommorrow is back due to popular demand. A spokesman for the week said "Yesterday was such a hit, we said 'Why not do it again'"

...and now sports with Colrow.

cyberwolf77

This just in:
Last to post: extermination the wildly popular fight thread has been locked. In a surprise upset dark horse contender Toasty113 came from behind and defeated thread founder cyberwolf77 and second place poster Deki to claim victory. The Nest waits in breathless anticipation for what prize he shall claim....


He took the immunity! He took the immunity!

Fago!

...and now sports.

The "Manakin Staring Contest" is running over time so regularly scheduled programming will be delayed.

The hamster olympics has gotten underway in my basement. The Olympic torch made it's long journey from under the car to the paint can yesterday. here's a picture of it.



The TCN leg of next years world cup has taken place. FC DEKI has beaten stiff rivals Joe's Girls for the qualifying place.

More later.

Queen-Mise

how many of these bloody things are they.... Although this one is more interesting.

Deki

I think this one:p

Breaking News:

MISSING BOOT FOUND

The missing boot of QueenMise was just recently found safe and alive, hiding under a bed in her home. It was earlier feared the, not new, but never worn, boot would never be found. When asked why it was hiding the boot only replied "She knows why." Evidently meaning QueenMise herself. It has been
theorized the boot crawled under the bed in a fit of jealousy when it came to the conclusion it was being loved second to its mate. It has apparently been sulking there ever since. Now that QueenMise and the wayward boot have successfully been reunited it is expected there will be no reason for further investigation. The family was not available for further comment.

Black Swan

FLASH!
Informed sources have reported that Deki plans to be the Vice Presidential running mate with Sarah Palin in 2012. She will help Sarah in her foreign policy decisions, given that Sarah is very ignorant of places beyond her doorstep, and cannot see the EU from Alaska.

cyberwolf77

The age old question cocnerning chickens and eggs has been answered We go live to location where the answer has just been revealed:

Fago!

This just in:

The tooth fairy has been arrested for stealing teeth:



Here is his latest victim:



The TF will be sentenced in front of a court, and everyone will have a wonderful time and there'll be cake and tea!!!!!

cyberwolf77

SCARIEST AVATAR: holly1

CUTEST AVATAR: Toasty113

MOST COUNT OBSESSED: joes girls

BEST EYEBROWS: Fago 25

TROLL OF THE YEAR: cyberwolf77 (kill him we must)

MOST CONFUSING: Matt Holck

EMPEROR OF THE NEST: Deki

EMPRESS OF THE NEST: homah 7ft

THREAD OF THE YEAR: Extreme Stupidity Filter-Post Here To Get Banned!

CUDDLIEST MODERATOR: Sarky

SUPREME POSTER OF THE YEAR: Colrow

Congratulations to all our winners and hope to see you all again next year
All results were verified by independent drunk auditor monkeys.

Deki

Congratulations To All My Fellow Awards Winners!!!

cyberwolf77

Deki wrote: »

Congratulations !!!

You congratulating yourself.

Deki

No everyone else. Does that make it better? What are ours called Kooks?

kerash

SCARIEST AVATAR: Joes Girls (rarrrrh:pac:)

CUTEST AVATAR: Deki

MOST COUNT OBSESSED: Koth/Hermy

BEST EYEBROWS: Cicero

TROLL OF THE YEAR: Sarky

MOST CONFUSING: Chatbox

EMPEROR OF THE NEST: The-Rigger

EMPRESS OF THE NEST: Chloe

THREAD OF THE YEAR: Let's Count To A Million

CUDDLIEST MODERATOR: CyberWolf

SUPREME POSTER OF THE YEAR: Matt Holck

Congratulations to all our winners and hope to see you all again next year
All results were verified by independent brain damaged lizards.

cyberwolf77

Deki wrote: »

No everyone else. Does that make it better? What are ours called Kooks?

Yeah, let's call them Kooks