Internet dating and false illusions?!

high beam

Hi,

A little question, when people meet on dating sites do they seem to paint a wonderful picture of themselves i.e. personality, appearance, likes/dislikes and then finally when you do meet the person things seem to be completely differnet...i mean show up and their nothing like they describe??



Seems to happen alot with girls i go on internet dates with. They show up and its like a completely different person. what do ye guys think?

Fancy That

Yes i get what you mean.

I suppose we all create a little image in our heads of people, but yes it doesn't help when the person is telling you how much they are into their expensive Ted Baker fashion items and they show up in dripping in atmosphere labels. :rolleyes: (Not saying i don't wear it myself but in moderation of course!)

I guess Some people tend to have extremely high opinions of themselves....lol

BettePorter

i think it's sometimes a case of ticking all the boxes cause they're there kinda thing. some of the dating sites have very generic personal details pages...........likes; Hiking, swimming, badminton, deep sea diving.............some people think, feck it , yeah i love to hike....when in reality they'd park in a disabled bay rather than walk 40 yards into tesco.......but being an avid hiker sounds deadly !

i met someone who was , on paper, an energetic, go getting, fitness obsessed, socialite who smoked occasionally................in reality she was obese, rarely left her house, chose to have no friends, ate cigs and whose claim to 'love eating out regularly' meant she was attempting to get through the entire menu in mcdonalds on a daily basis.

i think you're meant to take it with a grain of salt............(she just used to much !)

Boston

Someone is hardly going to put up that they're a self obsessed, neurotic, controlling, insecure Muppet.

Fancy That

BettePorter wrote: »

i met someone who was , on paper, an energetic, go getting, fitness obsessed, socialite who smoked occasionally................in reality she was obese, rarely left her house, chose to have no friends, ate cigs and whose claim to 'love eating out regularly' meant she was attempting to get through the entire menu in mcdonalds on a daily basis.

i think you're meant to take it with a grain of salt............(she just used to much !)

Baa-Bum-Dish.....
Speaking of McDonalds have ya tried the caramel milkshake

.....But yes i guess we all have this little idea of the perfect woman, our soul mate and as we get older and more single we are we just want it to be her everytime we go on dates!!

In saying that, lately i have resigned to the fact that im not gonna find her she's gonna find me :rolleyes: ..in the local pub...with my friends...saturday night....when i least expect it...:rolleyes:

Wishfull thinking eh.....

high beam

Boston wrote: »

Someone is hardly going to put up that they're a self obsessed, neurotic, controlling, insecure Muppet.

I was talking more on a physical appearance that on personality traits. Of course their not gonna put that up.

BettePorter

yeah but by the same token, nobody is going to say; i haven't seen my feet in 15 years and i look like i was hit in the face with a shovel but i can lick my eyebrow with my tongue.....give us a ring !

MicraBoy

yeah but by the same token, nobody is going to say; i haven't seen my feet in 15 years and i look like i was hit in the face with a shovel but i can lick my eyebrow with my tongue.....give us a ring !

They send you a three year old pic and fail to mention they have gained 3 stone in the intervening years!

Boston

If I recall correctly from my experience of setting up Gaydar accounts for homophobes, they always always send you picture of random penises

BettePorter

Boston wrote: »

If I recall correctly from my experience of setting up Gaydar accounts for homophobes, they always always send you picture of random penises

thats another thing, personally i would never put a pic up on one of these ads, but for different reasons, but i sometimes wonder what people are thinking when you see some of the profile pics they put up. i mean if you can't make an effort to even bother having yourself looking half decent, what makes you think you'll make an effort in person. i've seen specimens on crime call that i'd contact sooner.........and they were wearing tights on their head.

Fancy That

I have a friend who maintains no pic on girls profile then person must be horrible looking. That leaves me thinking the complete opposite cause the majority of them on there with pics are rufff so leaves me to think the goodloooking ones are picture - less .

I myself do not have a pic on these sites either but thats just me personally...i dont want any stalkers seeking me out and chasing me around...:D

What i do find amusing is been on the scene and recognising a girl from gaydar profile and thinking jez she defen takes a good picture cause she's fair shockin in realtiy...:eek:

BettePorter

Fancy That wrote: »

I have a friend who maintains no pic on girls profile then person must be horrible looking. That leaves me thinking the complete opposite cause the majority of them on there with pics are rufff so leaves me to think the goodloooking ones are picture - less .

there's also something more interesting to be conversing with an unknown, rather than, 'this is me ! fancy a bit !'............better to drag it out and then be ultimately disapointed probably but have a bit of fun along the way envisaging a portia de rossi type..til you find out its actually pat butcher !

shay_562

Boston wrote:

If I recall correctly from my experience of setting up Gaydar accounts for homophobes...

...remind me never to annoy you. I take back all previous instances of calling you a psychopath, twat or any other such term.

Fancy That wrote:

I have a friend who maintains no pic on girls profile then person must be horrible looking.

Seems like a reasonable rule of thumb. You see plenty of people on Bebo/Facebook with carefully chosen profile pictures to try and make themselves look better, so I assume it's the same on every dating site ever made. But if someone can't even manage a three years old/partially obscured/otherwise misleading photo of themselves looking attractive, you kinda have to worry.

Fancy That

BettePorter wrote: »

there's also something more interesting to be conversing with an unknown, rather than, 'this is me ! fancy a bit !'............better to drag it out and then be ultimately disapointed probably but have a bit of fun along the way envisaging a portia de rossi type..til you find out its actually pat butcher !

Or better still you think they are Pat Butcher and show up all gorgeous like Portia de Rossi

I haven't had that level of excitement in my life in a while.....you should PM me.....

BettePorter

Fancy That wrote: »

Or better still you think they are Pat Butcher and show up all gorgeous like Portia de Rossi

I haven't had that level of excitement in my life in a while.....you should PM me.....

what, and be accused of being a stalker !!!!!!!!

please refer to earlier related thread!!!!!!!!:eek::eek::eek:

Fancy That

BettePorter wrote: »

what, and be accused of being a stalker !!!!!!!!

please refer to earlier related thread!!!!!!!!:eek::eek::eek:

LOL..Well you have all the gear so you may as well practice using it....:D:D:D

shoegirl

Well actually I do have a nice pic of myself up on my profile, but people then tell me I am actually that gorgeous. I hate to blow my own trumpet, but . . . for most people, you don't actually need to be all that good looking to at least look well. I mean they really did tidy Susan Boyle up a lot for de telly, didn't they. She wasn't spectacular, but she looked way nicer.

The "no photo" thing is really annoying. Also people who put down their body size as "average" when in reality its "humungous." That is kinda misleading. But in all honesty, whats most annoying is people putting little or nothing on their profiles and then leaving you guessing. Its nice to try to get to know people a bit before you meet. Some people online are really quite vacant though, and unfortunately thats rather sad when you do meet as you've nothing at all to say.

What I find is this:

"no mindgames" = person saying this is usually a huge mind game player themselves and cannot go through 5 minutes without a game transaction
"no bunny boilers" = almost certainly likely to turn out to be a stalker themselves
"discretion expected" = I am looking for somebody to screw behind my girlfriends back
"friendship only" = I'm not happy in my current relationship and shopping around for a better model, but pretending not to
any kind of really excplicit talk, ASL requests = male pervert pretending to be a woman on lesbian site to play out his mental illness as some kind of satisfyingly sick fantasy
"bi-curious" = either male perv as above or massive hetero game player trying to wreck husband/boyfriends head

xxlilyxx

i met my girlfriend on plenty of fish and she had no picture up, but we start chattin and she soon sent me a pic and she was gorgeous so that was a bonus, but i hav chatted to women who say they are good looking and all that and when ya meet up or just see a picture of them they are horrendous looking, so i dont believe in all that crap bout if ya dont hav a pic up then your ugly coz most times then not they are good looking.
also ive never lied about myself on sites, im a big girl and have always said that, but of course there is the ones that say they are average when they defo are not.
im glad that i was lucky enough to meet a decent girl on a dating site and we're together 6 months and couldn be happier.

BettePorter

yeah i agree shoegirl and whats worse is when they bother to fill in some details but leave some things blank. i answer all but leave 'size' blank , you only have your imagination to go on and it's bound to jump immediately to 'morbidly obese'. 'average' is such a broad term anyway. wouldn't it be better served having size 8, 10, 12, 16,18 etc.

shoegirl

BettePorter wrote: »

yeah i agree shoegirl and whats worse is when they bother to fill in some details but leave some things blank. i answer all but leave 'size' blank , you only have your imagination to go on and it's bound to jump immediately to 'morbidly obese'. 'average' is such a broad term anyway. wouldn't it be better served having size 8, 10, 12, 16,18 etc.

Maybe euphemisms like "curvy" and "voluptous" might be more encouraging. Last lady who contacted me on a dating size clocked in at 7 full dress sizes more than me (I'm a 12), so that really is very considerably more than me. Saying that, I've at least one friend who loves bigger girls, so it might be nice for some to flaunt.

Fancy That

BettePorter wrote: »

yeah i agree shoegirl and whats worse is when they bother to fill in some details but leave some things blank. i answer all but leave 'size' blank , you only have your imagination to go on and it's bound to jump immediately to 'morbidly obese'. 'average' is such a broad term anyway. wouldn't it be better served having size 8, 10, 12, 16,18 etc.

How come you leave the size blank?? Maye the terms voluptous 14 or curvy 12 could be used alright....may still encourage people to select completly wrong one tho. The term average to me is a 12 but needs a little toning....sure who doesn't!

I guess on these sites people have got to sell themselves and alot of people have great ideas and notions about themselves ....I guess it comes under the term confidence!

Nothing worse than havinga picture up, stating your likes dislikes be it in music food etc and out on a saturday night people knowing what you are into without ever even chatting to you. No thanks...

FuzzyWool

wow.. just from reading the above posts, it strikes me that you are quite a shallow bunch. Why has this topic turned to the touchy subject of weight? You shouldn't judge people who you don't deem attractive, for using internet sites and not going into details about their imperfections. They are using these dating sites as a means to meet people, which they may be finding difficulties with on the uh-uh-uh so shallow gay scene in Dublin and.. well every gay scene really.

And before you say "so what I'm shallow, I know what I want and she's a size 6/8, femme whatever", well I'm not having a dig at you for not fancying "bigger, unattractive women".. merely pointing out, that the internet is the vessel in which such people may find it easier to find their soulmate/lover/friend..

The very thought of having another box to give your exact measurements is ridiculous. The majority of people wouldn't tick it, because anything above a 12 in this culture is judged as obese.. and if somebody did say they were a size 16+, most other site users would probably skip on by their profile and miss out on meeting a possibly great lover.. And this brings me to my main point. If overweight, unattractive people use dating sites as a means to meet people because they find it hard to do so in real life, then I guess the reason you guys are using it is because with your shallow personalities, you can't "keep" a girlfriend in real life.. That was just a little punch because I feel like being a bitch tonight.

Fancy That

FuzzyWool wrote: »

.

merely pointing out, that the internet is the vessel in which such people may find it easier to find their soulmate/lover/friend..

We understand that but we are simply pointing out that people over exagerate themselves on here....what happened to been honest?? an honest description is not that hard to give!!

and if somebody did say they were a size 16+, most other site users would probably skip on by their profile and miss out on meeting a possibly great lover..

Ah nooo...works both ways you know...some girls may like 16+ and the 16+ is missing out on this because they are saying they are average or 12 etc.


And this brings me to my main point. If overweight, unattractive people use dating sites as a means to meet people because they find it hard to do so in real life, then I guess the reason you guys are using it is because with your shallow personalities, you can't "keep" a girlfriend in real life.. quote]


I dont remember anyone saying overweight is unattractive?? I have plenty friends who are of bigger sizes and are gorgeous.

That was just a little punch because I feel like being a bitch tonight

Saucer of milk........:p;):p;)

FuzzyWool

Yes I also don't equate overweight with unattractive.. I should have separated those words with "or", apologies.

I also agree that people should try and be honest on these sites, but from my reading of the OP's post, she obviously only went on one date and is forming her opinions based on having coffee or a beer with somebody for an hour. As important as first impressions are, with a nerve-wrecking meeting with somebody you've only messaged online, you may not be able to get your real personality across. And I'm not saying there aren't complete crazies on these sites either. I'm 100% sure my ex-girlfriend is on gaydar, and she's completely crazy so.. I'm just miffed at the idea of putting people in a box because of their weight. I've put on weight this summer which would bump me into the average box I guess, so obviously I am just taking out my frustrations on random lesbians on boards.ie lol!:o *runs off to give out to other random people on various gay forums across the land*

Fancy That

I think the whole point of the thread was why cant people be honest when creating details about themselves.

It just spiralled into a weight thing. I dont think it's because people are shallow ...its just another topic i guess.

renraw

Too right about websites and peoples stats. Its exactly the same for the lads. If people tell a little white lie or exaggerate a wee bit, it should be about something that they will actually get away with. A lot of times profiles that state "average" equates to 16 stone. It isn't a vain or shallow thing thats going on but an honesty thing. First impressions last and if I was to meet someone off the internet and they had themselves down to average (which in men is approx 11/12 stone) I'd humour them and then get to the point of why they put down average in the first place, its very misleading.

BettePorter

BettePorter wrote: »

yeah i agree shoegirl and whats worse is when they bother to fill in some details but leave some things blank. i answer all but leave 'size' blank , you only have your imagination to go on and it's bound to jump immediately to 'morbidly obese'. 'average' is such a broad term anyway. wouldn't it be better served having size 8, 10, 12, 16,18 etc.

sorry i meant to say ' i.e. answer all but leave size blank'............i fill in all details. in my case i've stated average even though i don't really know what average is but i imagine it's like me averagey .....size 12 . i don't have a problem with bigger women, i actually have a thing for dawn french, but my point was just be honest, say you're x y or z.

and i don't think it's being shallow if you are attracted to a certain type but not another. generally in the past i've never fancied 'butch' women. doesn't mean i rule them out completely, i just have a black and white view on it............if i wanted to date someone who dressed like a man, behaved like a man, i'd just date a man !

shoegirl

renraw wrote: »

If people tell a little white lie or exaggerate a wee bit, it should be about something that they will actually get away with. A lot of times profiles that state "average" equates to 16 stone. It isn't a vain or shallow thing thats going on but an honesty thing. First impressions last and if I was to meet someone off the internet and they had themselves down to average (which in men is approx 11/12 stone) I'd humour them and then get to the point of why they put down average in the first place, its very misleading.

Well thats exactly it, the point isn't that big is unattractive, the point is that some people either put up nothing at all, which gives other people very little to go on or total misleading stuff - size 22 (or more) is NOT average, having a girlfriend/boyfriend is not "single", and if you're not working or a student, don't pretend you are. Its unfair on somebody who wants to meet somebody a) single b) with expectations about appearance that are not extreme or at odds to what they've been led to believe and c) who is telling the truth about their lifestyle.

As for first impressions, yes they do last, and last girl bar bar one I met off gaydar I did get the impression was a bit messed up in the head - I pretty much made my excuses after 30 minutes and ran! Its all very well saying you should be tolerant about this, that and other things, but I do think people have a right to filter out people who might not be good for them.

There is a fine line between covering over stuff and deceptiveness, and in all honesty, a lot of friends of mine have had horrendous damage done to them by the behaviour of partners with big personal problems. I'm not saying people shouldn't have a right to date, but that others have a right to say no.

shoegirl

BettePorter wrote: »

i don't think it's being shallow if you are attracted to a certain type but not another. generally in the past i've never fancied 'butch' women. doesn't mean i rule them out completely, i just have a black and white view on it............if i wanted to date someone who dressed like a man, behaved like a man, i'd just date a man !

Exactly my own feelings, and I suspect, far more women would agree with you than would dare to repeat on here. A lot of the butch/femme thing is partially about visibility (for example, I'm constantly assumed to be straight) and partially due to the 1950s US/Canadian working class barroom tradition. Basically the "femme" side of the barroom tradition was wiped off the face of the earth by 2nd wave feminisms condemnation of beauty products and female self-decoration as patchriarchal - unfortunately it didn't consider that women dressing up "like men" could also be patriarchal!!

A lot of the critique of the beauty equations is heavily tied up with traditional feminist views in the womens communities, which is why sometimes some of us have very strong views on what beauty is, weight and similar issues. Thing is, there is far less question of this in straight circles - most women take for granted that they should "make an effort" to attract men, and men expect it too, I think. I would seriously go as far as questioning the sexuality of any woman who comes to the gay lifestyle because she sees it as an escape from the patriarchal notions about beauty in straight circles - its definitely not a good reason to start dating women.

That said, its really interesting that certain images and ideals are magnified in lesbian circles - like Beth Ditto or P!nk being really popular (aside from the sexual ambiguity of the latter). The Riotgrrl images are still very popular in lesbian circles and I think in particular younger women have far more expectation of other girls "making an effort" in order to attract them.

Fancy That

Thing is, there is far less question of this in straight circles - most women take for granted that they should "make an effort" to attract men, and men expect it too, I think.

This may be the case in one's teens and early twenties, but as we get older we get more comfortable in our own skin and tend to suit ourselves and look good for ourselves. Majority of my straight friends would be of this opinion too. Some lads wouldn't even notice if you wore the same top every weekend!!


I would seriously go as far as questioning the sexuality of any woman who comes to the gay lifestyle because she sees it as an escape from the patriarchal notions about beauty in straight circles - its definitely not a good reason to start dating women.

I am shocked to hear this i mean does this actually happen?? Do girls turn to women and all the dramas, the comments, ignorance and negative cynicism iof the gay world just because they lack fashion sence or the interest to look well..

The Riotgrrl images are still very popular in lesbian circles and I think in particular younger women have far more expectation of other girls "making an effort" in order to attract them.

Again I would say younger women as in teens. I myself am in my early 30's and am very fasion concious. Yes i do love when i go out and somebody admires a particular item i am wearing, to me it just reiterates my good fashion sence...lol! But i dress up for me and me only. Not for any lads/girls benefit.

All this patriarchal stuff dates back to the 50's. Still doesn't answer that buring question 60 years later of why some gay women like to dress like lads act like lads more or less want to be lads but yet dislike lads(please don't shhot me down for this).....maybe we will never know.

ElectroSpex

I'm a member of a pretty big online LGBT community and I've made some fcuking amazing friends. But we've all been there so long, that we can spot the fakers without a doubt. From their terrible avatar angles, the same poses in each photos and the line "My friend who's into photography, took this photo of me" usually means "I'm ugly, so just googled someone hot" :pac:

I try to portray who I really am online, because I would HATE for someone to like me online and hate me in reality. I'm the same on the internet really. I also do what most people don't, and post the most unflattering photos of myself, along with a few not bad ones. I've even posted morning photos before, and I find that being honest really does make you more attractive to people.

I pretty much fell for someone on said website who turned out to be a fake person.. like fake name, family, history, hobbies EVERYTHING. Being yourself and taking the p*ss is so much more fun and less effort than taking awful photos of your hand cause it's the only attractive thing on your body!

azezil

Internet dating is a bit of mixed bag, you're basing your impressions on how you preceive what the person is saying. You've no idea about the tone or context in which they're speaking.

I've met some guys through various websites, they're very rarely what I expected at all, sometimes I'm pleasently surprised other times disappointed. Its best to try not get your hopes up and I'd take everything they say online with a pinch of salt, decide for yourself after you've met them.

BettePorter

azezil wrote: »

Internet dating is a bit of mixed bag, you're basing your impressions on how you preceive what the person is saying. You've no idea about the tone or context in which they're speaking.

I've met some guys through various websites, they're very rarely what I expected at all, sometimes I'm pleasently surprised other times disappointed. Its best to try not get your hopes up and I'd take everything they say online with a pinch of salt, decide for yourself after you've met them.

How very dare you ! i'll have you know that just as my profile states i am a 5'7'', size 8, 32D, blonde , sallow sunkist skin, professional, sane hardworking scorpion, who doesn't drink or smoke, loves animals and children, reading, hiking water skiing. in my free time i do charity work in an old peoples home and my four nights a week at yoga means i can put my legs behind my ears with considerable ease....... i'm just single at 33 cause i'm very very picky !......and a compulsive liar :cool::P

shoegirl

Fancy That wrote: »

Thing is, there is far less question of this in straight circles - most women take for granted that they should "make an effort" to attract men, and men expect it too, I think.

This may be the case in one's teens and early twenties, but as we get older we get more comfortable in our own skin and tend to suit ourselves and look good for ourselves. Majority of my straight friends would be of this opinion too. Some lads wouldn't even notice if you wore the same top every weekend!!

I would strongly dispute that! Its actually my older straight friends (in the 35-45 age group) who ask most questioningly why so many gay women seem to dress and/or even behave like macho men. They are the ones who ask me most why its so common, especially those of them that are single - you might think its "more relaxed" for women as they get older in the hetero world, but only for women already in relationships who don't have to "compete" in a dog-eat-dog world where men in their 30s and 40s may also be looking at younger women as well as women their own age. From the very cruel and harsh things my 40-something straight women friends have said to them by men, I would not be surprised at all if some women chose to opt out of this in a perception that women might be "kinder, softer and nicer." (Oh little do they know if they do!!)

Fancy That wrote: »

All this patriarchal stuff dates back to the 50's. Still doesn't answer that buring question 60 years later of why some gay women like to dress like lads act like lads more or less want to be lads but yet dislike lads(please don't shhot me down for this).....maybe we will never know.

I think there are huge gender identity issues at play for women that to some extent have been less clear cut than for males because of the differences in cultural expectations, the freedoms permitted by feminist cultures, and by the lesser availability of treatment for female to male transfolks. I do notice that in the last couple of years the very slow trickle of F2M transittioners has become much more significant. Previously I think a lot of women would have seen it as more taboo and found a "refuse" in lesbian company. For example though the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival has a very hard anti M2F transwomen line (basically they exclude completely and absolutely women not born biologically female) they turn a blind eye to transmen who were born female. It has caused deep hurt in the trans community who feel rightly excluded and aggrieved.

Patrick Califa, the wonderful sex writer, is one example - he transitioned along with his partner also, about 10 years ago. And there is the fanastic Del La Grace Volcano who used to be Della Grace - marvellous London based photographer, now a good few years transitioned also. I think this is something that will become a lot more prevalent in the womens scene, and to be honest, I look forward to welcoming more transmen out into the open and onto the scene.