What now?

LegacyUser

Long story short - Im going out with my bf just over three years. All going well. Guy in work -I get on really well with but he left to go travelling - I slept with him before he left. He's gone, I will never see him again. I have NEVER EVER done this ro anythig like it before - I wouldn't even usually look at another guy not to mention anything else. Its happened - so what now? My BF would be absolutely gutted if he knew - def end of relationsip. Before ye start flambasting me - I feel awful about it... I will never do it again (I think it was a curiosity thing) and ironically - I feel so much better about my BF/relationship now - it's like its made me appreciate it more...

What now? Do I tell him andbreak his heart and end the relationship or do I keep it to mysel - there is no way he would find out - the other guy is gone away and neither of us have told anyone (he's single btw) I'm a b*tch for doing it (there's no need to tell me that...) - it just happened (how cliche is that!)

dublingal80

Dont tell him

If you are honestly and completely sorry for what you have done and you adore your boyfriend and could never imagine ever, EVER doing anything like this, at all, for the rest of your life to him, there is no need to tell him

We all do make mistakes and sometimes you need to do these stupid things to realise how good you have it too. Me? I was only seeing my boyfriend for about 6 weeks at the time, really unsure about him, even tho he was lovely. went out with my friends, chatted to a bar man and ended up kissing him, literally a peck that lasted 5 seconds, if that. He took my number and texted me going home saying " night babe, lovely to meet you sexy" blah blah blah blah, literally just being a sleeze. and that alone made me realise how lovely my OH is and how he was never a sleeze ball, just himself and over 4 years later we are as happy as ever. I didnt tell him cos I didnt think it would do anything to help our relationship, same as you

If you have any little feeling inside of you that your current relationship isnt right, have a chat to your oh, and just see what he says. If you arent happy, break up with him.

Either way, staying with him or breaking up with him, I dont think telling him you cheated on him will help either scenario, cos he will be heartbroken.

snowy2008

you should tell him, put yourself in his shoes, would you want to know or just keep living a lie, why did you sleep with him?? your poor boyfriend, im sorry but ive no sympathy for you but would, advise you tell him

Terodil

dublingal80 wrote: »

If you are honestly and completely sorry for what you have done and you adore your boyfriend and could never imagine ever, EVER doing anything like this, at all, for the rest of your life to him, there is no need to tell him

Sure. And next time it happens she (or any other cheater) will follow the exact same logic again, because the 'if' part of that sentence is oh-so-tempting and easy to forget:

1. say that s/he is very sorry, that she couldn't control her/himself because of A, B, and C
2. say that it's never going to happen again
3. say that it's because s/he wants to protect his feelings that s/he doesn't tell him/her now
4. say that s/he only did it to invigorate their relationship (how selfless :rolleyes:)

He deserves to know who he is with and to make a choice. I'm glad you're feeling better at his expense though.

P.S./Edit: You're deluding yourself, 'it' does not happen. You made a choice.

dublingal80

I honestly do believe that people can make that one stupid mistake that they will always regret. if the OP believes that thats all it was and she knows deep down it will never ever happen again, fair enough

But if she does know that things arent right between them, or that she is unhappy, or of it happens again, even if its just kissing someone else, she definitely has to do something about it then

Though, most people that do cheat, do it over and over again, but from what the OP said it sounds like she made a mistake. a huge mistake i know, but she sounds like she 100% regrets it and will never do it again and i believe her.

LegacyUser

OP here - thanks Dublingal... You're bang on the had - It was a mistake and IT WAS A ONCE OFF. I know what your saying Teropil about everyone can say that - that would have been my opinion before this too. I always swore I would never cheat and could never have imagined m doing it. I don't even look at other guys when out... It's all excuses now - believe m or not - your choice. It was a mistake and will not happen again. I never had time for anybody who had cheaed on a partner - and still don't for those who do it continously and/or have no regret for it. I still can't beive I actually did it. I have only slept with two ppl - Bf and this guy

I'm not here to apologise/justify what happened - I'm here to ask - should my stupid (once off) mistake ruin my BF's trust and belief in the female sex - because that is what this will do - he will never trust again - I know that - that is tearing me apart. Should I just keep shut and live with the guilt or break up with him but without telling him the truth (I really can't tell him)

LegacyUser

Recently I became single again. Not through anything like this. It's a different story.

But I do know that I loved her very, very much and still do. The breakup has made me see love in a way I never saw it before. I think if I was in your OH's shoes I would be devastated if I heard something like that. But at the same time I would want to hear it whether it ended the relationship or not. TBH it would mean the end of it for me. But the fact that relationships are based so much on trust, the love you have for your OH, the belief that you're the "ONE" for them and vice-versa I think it's completely wrong not to break each one of those beliefs.

snowy2008

i think youve answered that one yourself, how could he trust you after that, you owe yourself a clear conscience and the truth to your boyfriend, he might find out from someone else but then again he might not but he deserves an honest partner

LegacyUser

TBH op you need to tell him, how are you 100% this other guy didnt tell anyone, what he mentioned it to 1 person?? At the end of the day if this guy was the one nobody else would have attracted ur attention, im all for reading the menu as it is, but i never order,


Just put urself in his shoes, if someday you found out he cheated and repeated ALL those reasons to you, would you take him back?? I just think it will be something that haunts you throughout your relationship, what if you get curious again, nothings to say another guy from work wont come along??

The right thing is for you OH too have all the information and then be left too make an informed decision about ur relationship!

LegacyUser

it allways comes back to catch u out [karma] how would u feel if the shoe was on the other foot [what goes around comes around]

Cleopatra12

I have to say, if it really was a once off and you really regret it, do not open your mouth. Why inflict the pain of this knowledge on him if you know it will never ever happen again. I am not condoning your actions nor am i saying cheating is ok. It is not, but if you know you will never do it again, well then.... Sometimes keeping quiet is the better thing to do, and perhaps living with the guilt can be punishment enough.

If you feel so guilty over it and cant hack the guilt, then break up with him but give a different reason for the breakup.

if telling him makes you feel better then i think it is a terribly self indulgent thing to do. This is about the realtionship, not making yourself feel better.

LegacyUser

Although I never cheated, it has made me appreciate my boyfriend and relationship so much more after that stupid evil text.

I need to ask though, why are people making me confess to a text and OP is advised to keep the sex a secret?

I know you did wrong but telling him will ruin everything, and for what? A man you will never see again.

Wibbs

These things don't just happen. That's an excuse and IMHO the first thing you have to acknowledge is that you made a choice and the choice was to sleep with this guy. If you don't trace the mechanism of something like this it increases the chances it'll "just happen" again in my experience.

You're with your guy 3 years. The initial buzz has lessened. That's fine and common enough. You felt horny and excited at being so after being in a relationship with the same guy for those three years. This guy looked like the perfect bet to assuage your curiosity as he was leaving. What happens if you get curious again and this time you feel that spark for the next guy?

Examine yourself and your reasons and your relationship first I reckon.

rustynutz

Wibbs wrote: »

These things don't just happen. That's an excuse and IMHO the first thing you have to acknowledge is that you made a choice and the choice was to sleep with this guy. If you don't trace the mechanism of something like this it increases the chances it'll "just happen" again in my experience.

You're with your guy 3 years. The initial buzz has lessened. That's fine and common enough. You felt horny and excited at being so after being in a relationship with the same guy for those three years. This guy looked like the perfect bet to assuage your curiosity as he was leaving. What happens if you get curious again and this time you feel that spark for the next guy?

Examine yourself and your reasons and your relationship first I reckon.

I agree with this,if as you said things were good with your boyfriend why on earth did you cheat?I have very little sympathy for you and I would be willing to bet you will cheat again

Wibbs

Maybe, maybe not. I think the OP fell into the notion(and correct me if I'm wrong) that for the last 3 years you were in love with your guy and the thoughts of another didn't enter your head. This guy comes along and you catch yourself looking at him and this throws you. After all if you truly loved your guy why would you be looking at another? So you jump, but this new guy doesn't spark the same deeper feelings and shared past of your guy. He's gone now and you realise that your current guy is the one you really want and still love. It was a self test kinda thing. The problem is this will happen again so you have to figure out your real reasons and not kid yourself that these things just happen.

Of course it may just have been a simple horny attack. You felt a "spark"(horniness) and ran with that but realised it wasn't enough.

Either way you need to examine the reasons why.

LegacyUser

Op, I've been in your boyfriends shoes. After almost 5 years my OH slept with someone else. Things were pretty good between us but did become a little stale on a few occasions. When she told me she hadn't decided whether we should stay together or not. She told me that she couldn't live with the guilt. I still hate her for this, one of the most ultimately selfish things I have ever ever heard.

She left it to me to digest and when I considered everything I decided we still loved each other. When I offered her the chance to reconcile a few days later she didn't want it anymore. I still hurt and she still hates herself for what she did. In fact, she no longer wants contact because I remind her of what she did and she can't move on. This girl is an extremely qualified professional lady who I would have once described as an angel.

My point is this: be very definite if you want to stay with your OH or not, if you want it - erode the incident from your mind - go to a hypnotist if you have to. Promise yourself faithfully that if you ever do something or near do something like this again to end.

ginakate

Dont tell him, dont break his heart and make him suffer too. Its your fault, you are the one that has to suffer the guilt. Not him.

VaioCruiser

what now? wrote: »

Long story short - Im going out with my bf just over three years. All going well. Guy in work -I get on really well with but he left to go travelling - I slept with him before he left. He's gone, I will never see him again. I have NEVER EVER done this ro anythig like it before - I wouldn't even usually look at another guy not to mention anything else. Its happened - so what now? My BF would be absolutely gutted if he knew - def end of relationsip. Before ye start flambasting me - I feel awful about it... I will never do it again (I think it was a curiosity thing) and ironically - I feel so much better about my BF/relationship now - it's like its made me appreciate it more...

What now? Do I tell him and break his heart and end the relationship or do I keep it to mysel - there is no way he would find out - the other guy is gone away and neither of us have told anyone (he's single btw) I'm a b*tch for doing it (there's no need to tell me that...) - it just happened (how cliche is that!)

Hi OP. I am not into the "judgement" thing so many here appear to wallow in. We all make stupid decisions from time to time and yours is a whopper. As far as I am concerned you are where you are and now the question is what do you do about it ..

If your main interest is in YOU, and salving YOUR own conscience - then you should tell him. You will feel a lot better. Of course you will feel sh*t when he immediately drops you like a ton of bricks, so you may not feel so great after that. The result will be two miserable people.

If you LOVE this man - and your main interest is HIS happiness and future - then you will keep your mouth SHUT and NEVER EVER speak about this again. You can then deal with your own guilt on your own and realise how lucky you are to have him and make it up to him by demonstrating that in the years to come in what I hope will be a very happy relationship.

All the best

Wagon

Tell him. Let him decide because he is the one cheated on and he has the right to decide whether to stay with you or not, not you.

vandermeyde

VaioCruiser wrote: »

If you LOVE this man - and your main interest is HIS happiness and future - then you will keep your mouth SHUT and NEVER EVER speak about this again.

If she LOVED him, she wouldn't have cheated; if her main interest was HIS happiness, she wouldn't have cheated on him.

Trying to justify it to yourself by saying that you now realise what you've got is just a cop out. It's the monkey not letting go of the branch until it's got a hold of another one analogy, except in this case, you've decided the new branch isn't to your liking so you've held onto the original one.

Either way, relationships are predicated on respect and trust, you've shown neither.

LegacyUser

I've recently found out my boyfriend cheated on me. When I go back in time, I could tell by his behaviour that he regreted it and was trying to make it up and he may have realised that he loves me. However, I found it all months after, I feel like a fool, betrayed, even sick. I don't know what was true and what was a lie in that relationship. I cannot even talk to him at the moment.

My advice: tell him asap and tell him how you feel now and why you did it and answer any question he may have.

Maybe you are lucky enough to trust each other again. Otherwise it's over, if you keep lying to him it's over anyways because it there is no trust there is nothing.

G-Money

To be honest, I never believe the "it just happened" line. It's not like the weather that is an uncontrollable force of nature. These things happen when people put themselves into a position to let them happen then don't put a stop to it. All sorts of ridiculous excuses and justifications are used but none of them hold any water. The fact of the matter is that unless someone drugs a person or puts a gun to their head or something, they knowingly and willingly go through with the deed, there's no escaping that, no matter what they say or how they try to dress it up.

You do seem sorry and while the guy is on the other side of the world, what happens when someone else comes along who you are attracted to etc?

Personally if a girl cheated on me, I'd end it and never speak to her again. There's no way I could trust her. Anytime she'd be working late or out with her friends or something I'd wonder is that what she's really doing or she is off with some other guy.