Should I chip in or am I being taken advantage of?

LegacyUser

Well, a member of my family is moving out of the family home and moving in with their partner. Am delighted for them but I have a problem. My problem is this:

Another member of my family text me today and said that they had bought a house warming present for them - she asked me if I wanted to contribute €30 towards the present. Well to say she asked is an understatement - she kind of said shed be aorund during the week to collect it. I would have bought them a bottle of wine but...

A few issues arise:
1. I have moved in with previous partners (am single now) and never ever got a house warming gift i.e. I was given a bottle of wine, which at the time I was delighted with but does this go to show how unappreciated I am or looked on in the family?

I have never asked anyone, including my parents, for anything. My siblings have had kids, weddings etc and I have always been supportive with gifts, support etc. I havent had the fortune yet to have kids, marriage etc....

Do you think I should contribute, stick my feet in or give an explanation. I really do not feel like contributing. Why am I always paying out and never getting anything back? For example, recently I turned a rather significant age. My siblings (3 of them) and their partners got me a voucher for €70. Am I being taken advantage of?

SarahSassy

So they chipped in €20 each but you are being asked to chip in €30 - its only a tenner so let it go...

Faith

SarahSassy wrote: »

So they chipped in €20 each but you are being asked to chip in €30 - its only a tenner so let it go...

Where are you getting that from?

If it were me, I'd reply with "Ah, no thanks, I'll sort out my own present for them". Be firm, and say you've already gotten something if needs be. I wouldn't kick up a fuss, but stop contributing when you don't want to.

SarahSassy

Chip_in? wrote: »

My siblings (3 of them) and their partners got me a voucher for €70. Am I being taken advantage of?

From here - 3 siblings and €70 so it was actually €23.33 per person for her gift...

SarahSassy

Faith wrote: »

If it were me, I'd reply with "Ah, no thanks, I'll sort out my own present for them". Be firm, and say you've already gotten something if needs be. I wouldn't kick up a fuss, but stop contributing when you don't want to.

This is a good option too but you dont seem to want to rock the boat so I didnt suggest it.

Faith

SarahSassy wrote: »

From here - 3 siblings and €70 so it was actually €23.33 per person for her gift...

Oh, I see. I thought you meant they each paid €20 for the housewarming gift. Well, it was actually 3 siblings and their partners that contributed to her birthday gift, so it was a little over €10 per person. They're asking her to pay 3 times that.

Silverfish

Guys, If you read the OP, the 70 euro is referring to a gift they got for her for her birthday, between her siblings and their partners, not for the housewarming gift which is separate.

tinkerbell

Don't pay it. I hate it when people just assume you are going to contribute X amount, it's very offensive and rude I think. Just tell the person firmly that no you are sorting out something separate (bottle of wine or whatever) and you'd rather not go in with a big present.

Seriously, I find people these days can be just ridiculous with moving in gifts, marriage gifts, whatever. Don't give any money that you don't want to OP.

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

Don't pay it. I hate it when people just assume you are going to contribute X amount, it's very offensive and rude I think. Just tell the person firmly that no you are sorting out something separate (bottle of wine or whatever) and you'd rather not go in with a big present.

Seriously, I find people these days can be just ridiculous with moving in gifts, marriage gifts, whatever. Don't give any money that you don't want to OP.

+1 If your sibling expected you to contribute they should have run the gift and the cost passed you first. It was very rude to assume you'd just stand by and hand over your cash. You are obvioulsy seen as the soft touch withing your family unit.

Cleopatra12

well seeing as you have already 'gotten a preaent' you are not in a position to contribute.... Well that would be my line anyway!

SheRa

^^^^^
be polite and firm.

i dont think that you are being taken advantage of, I do think that they are being thoughtless though but dont take it personally, some people are just caught up in their own little bubbles:).

castle

Before they drop over to collect ,you should have already given that nice bottle of red about 10Euro,no need to spend more or better still a nice house plant,
Please do not be bullied/railroaded into giving that 30Euro.You need to speak up before they put your name on the card and then it will be harder to say I got a bottle of red.

LegacyUser

I'm logging out because I'm pretty sure the people in question could recognise themselves in this and I don't want to ignite WW3.

I think you need to call a stop to this. One of my partner's siblings is like your family member and is always buying extravagant gifts for people and expecting my partner and their other sibling to pay 1/3 each. It drives me up the wall. Last year it was a gift for €600 for their parents. Not a special birthday or anniversary, but just ordinary old once a year christmas. I'm dreading the situation this year. It was so much more than we had budgeted for and it meant we had less money for gifts to my family, friends and each other. I can't do much about it, my partner is the type who is reluctant to rock the boat and it doesn't feel like my place to interject as it's not my family.

tbh

think of the hassle it'll cause. It may be worth e30, but it probably isn't. If it were me, I'd roll my eyes and pay.

The_Conductor

I'm inclined to agree with tbh. It is a lot of hassle, and will cause a lot of stress with siblings- for little gain. I had a similar situation when a little sister was graduating from college and other siblings decided to spend a considerable amount of money on a very expensive watch for her. I was (and am) working- but was surprised with a suggestion out of the blue that my contribution was due that morning (not having known anything about it in advance, and having gotten her a present myself). It was phrased in such a way that I was aware that it wasn't obligatory- but that I would be causing trouble if I didn't go along with it. It seriously screwed up my budgetting for the next few weeks- but kept relations on an even keel.

By rights people should not make assumptions such as the OPs siblings have done. The fact that they got a voucher for their birthday- and this other sibling is getting a significantly larger house warming gift- is a simple reflection of family dynamics. It pretty much always is the case that there is a sibling who is favoured by others- just a fact of life. Dwelling on it won't get anyone anywhere though.

OP- I can fully understand why you'd be annoyed- seriously though its not worth it. I'd have a relaxing evening in with the bottle of wine, hand over the 30 Euro, and try to keep the peace. Life's not perfect, and is too short to dwell on these things.

S.

Personally I think you've missed the opportunity to do anything about it this time ... not contributing at this stage will cause more hassle than it's worth ... so you need to suck it up but be prepared .... IF it happens again reply immediately saying, "Aw sorry you should have said, I've organised something myself already, thanks anyway".

MsMolly

Chip_in? wrote: »

Another member of my family text me today and said that they had bought a house warming present for them

This was her their first mistake. so they consulted nobody but just assumed, everyone would come up with their share to cover the money they've spent. in order to stop this from happening again you should get your own present, deliver it before the family member comes to collect your share, then they'll have to fork out the extra money......they'll be pissed but you can be sure they won't pre-empt present buying again. also if its the same person that bought your voucher, i'm sure they didn't get 23.333333333 of each party (probably rounded it off at 25?) so made a few quid 'finders' fee. teach them a lesson in good manners !

Malari

I've had problems like this with my siblings. An idea is brought up about a group present for parents and we all chip in. Fine. I even chip in more - I earn more, seems fair. I pay for it...I never get the cash back. Yet the present is still "from all of us".

I asked a few weeks later if I was going to be paid and it was "well, I don't earn as much as you!".

Next time the idea of a joint present was brought up I said I had already got something. It's easier, you're not really offending anyone and you don't get burned or feel hard done by.

iguana

Malari wrote: »

Next time the idea of a joint present was brought up I said I had already got something. It's easier, you're not really offending anyone and you don't get burned or feel hard done by.

A joint present is fine if everyone is aware in advance and agrees on pricing. When my brothers were younger we would often give joint presents and I'd pay more as I was the only one earning. Now if we give joint presents we discuss the price first and agree what we'll spend in advance. Though we usually go our own way.

Malari

iguana wrote: »

A joint present is fine if everyone is aware in advance and agrees on pricing. When my brothers were younger we would often give joint presents and I'd pay more as I was the only one earning. Now if we give joint presents we discuss the price first and agree what we'll spend in advance. Though we usually go our own way.

Hmm, yeah, so did we. Still got burned though! but it won't happen again.

For the OP, I don't think anyone should be coerced into spending on a joint gift without prior consultation.

Jo King

W2hen the person comes around to collect the €30, make sure you only have about €20 with you. Plead some emergency that cost you cash just before they came - clamped, medical etc.
Take your time about paying the other €10. Make them follow you for it.
They won't get involved with you again.

The_Conductor

Jo King wrote: »

W2hen the person comes around to collect the €30, make sure you only have about €20 with you. Plead some emergency that cost you cash just before they came - clamped, medical etc.
Take your time about paying the other €10. Make them follow you for it.
They won't get involved with you again.

Its their sibling- two wrongs don't make a right- and playing petty mind games with each other isn't going to help matters.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
thanks for the advice - honest. really appreciated.
I text sibling in question...made it light and breezy. I said "Hey X. I will sort out a little gift for them myself. Talk to you soon."

I also asked my mother yesterday why, when at 26/27 years old, I moved in with my partner (we lived together for almost 3 years in the end) and got nothing from noone, she said that people didnt take me seriously. That really hurt.

I am just sick of shelling out and getting nothing back. I wouldnt mind, if, so to speak, there was a good return on my investment, but there isnt. So I am not playing these ****ed up present games anymore. What wrong with getting someone candles or plates or something reasonable? Its just too much. I am going to try stick up more for myself.

A side note, I am the middle child of 4 children and I have always been like the "ghost" in the family. No one has ever really noticed me. I am highly college educated (paid for myself), very clever (I speak 3 languages amongst other things), which i think is an achievement but my family dont really care. Am passed by until it come to paying for presents or celebrating a birthday (they didnt celebrate mine with me).

chocgirl

Well done OP, stand your ground. Hate being forced into situations like this especially when it's not appreciated!

Teg Veece

In fairness OP, if you're looking at contributing towards a house warming present as an "investment" that you want returns on, then I can see why people are so slow to get you gifts.

Gifting doesn't work that way. If you want to help your sibling celebrate moving into their new place, then buy them a present or chip in the 30 euro.
Your "return" is making a friend happy.

bSlick

Teg Veece wrote: »

In fairness OP, if you're looking at contributing towards a house warming present as an "investment" that you want returns on, then I can see why people are so slow to get you gifts.

Gifting doesn't work that way. If you want to help your sibling celebrate moving into their new place, then buy them a present or chip in the 30 euro.
Your "return" is making a friend happy.

Obviously the OP didn't mean "investment" literally, hence why they used the phrase "so to speak". He/she is the one always shelling out for others and being taken for granted, and he/she gets feck all in return. It's the OP's family that doesn't understand how gifting works, not the OP who has always been generous but never sees that generosity returned.

dreadlocks

She's a sibling surely yer relationship isn't so bad that you can't tell her no. Have it out with her if she gets thick about it, no point having feelings of resentment hanging around for years