To Tolerate or No....

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Long time poster and reader of boards…going anon for this one. Looking for thoughts on my situation…
I live away from home with 3 friends from my home town. I am good mates with these guys, but they have known each other a lot longer than I have known them. Saying that though, we do get on fine and have a laugh when we are hanging out – sharing the same-ish interests etc.

Lately, I have noticed over the last while, that, all the other guys seem to talk about is women, women, women..allllll the time. …to the point where it’s getting irritating. For exmple if I was asked what I was at the for the weekend, and I replied with ‘Yes, I was hanging around town on Saturday and bumped into a girl that I work with and we went for a cheeky pint and then went our separate ways’ – Within seconds the questions would start..’is she hot?’ …’would you bang her?’…’would she be up for it do you think?’
I absolutely sick of the way they talk about other people (women especially) like they are animals or something.

The biggest underlying problem with this, is that 2 of the 3 guys have long term girlfriends, that come to visit quite a lot, and they’re a good laugh to be around etc. But as soon as they are out of sight….all the guys talk about is what girl they were chatting up in a nightclub and tried to get her number and get her back to the house etc etc…. This is the thing I have the biggest problem with, as I think the world of their girlfriends and they are absolutely clueless as to what their bfs get up to when they’re out on their own.

It’s at the stage now, where I can’t listen to them anymore. I find it hard to be in the same room when this rubbish conversation is going on …Guys talking rubbish trying to outdo each other or something. Not surprisingly, they don’t really have any hobbies, other than Drinking and spotting women…YAWWWWNNNNNN….

I don’t want to have a major falling out with them, but I’m at my wits end. When they go on about how much they’d like to ‘bang’ a girl they were chatting to in a club the previous night, I can’t help but think that if their GF was my sister or something, I ‘d absolutely go nuts on them and tell them to shut up and cop on…..but they’re not…so I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s ‘none of my business’ –
Saying that though, I’m expected to chat away to their women like everything is great, but in reality, their BFs talk like they’re just waiting for a chance to screw someone behind their back…Something that they have done in the past, but I’m not sure how many times TBH

Just makes me so upset how they can be so dishonest. As a quite happy singleton, I am losing faith in the whole concept of sharing a life with a significant other.

What can I do to improve the situation anyone? Should I confront the guys, and tell them how pathetic I think they are when they’re talking like that….. the ‘oh I’m such a big man and a player’ Bravado CRAP.

No wonder genuine guys find it so hard to meet someone…

I know I need to do something cause it’s driving me nuts, but I’m just not sure what to do.
I don’t want to completely fall out with a group of people over this if I can help it at all, but I just don’t know what steps I should take to improve the situation.

Would love to hear ye’r opinion 


Thanks a lot

J.

winking weber

It sounds like they're at a different stage in life to you. If I were you, I'd tell them they're being idiots but dont make a big deal of it. and then I'd move out. Much better to have more mature flatmates.

ManOfMystery

The next time one of them starts talking about banging some girl, why not look him in the eye, totally serious, and say "what would your girlfriend think about that?".

If they laught it off, do it again the next time they bring up the subject. They'll soon get sick of talking about it and getting nowhere.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Thanks for the replies...I do agree with you that I am at a slightly diferent stage in my life to the others (they are all slightly younger than me).

but the thing about looking them in the eye and asking them what their OH would think about it would be a non-goer i'd say...
They often go on about how they don't want to be with their GFs and that they just wanna go out/get locked and sh@g a stranger....which is fine if that's what they think will make you happy, but....to instead string along oblivious girlfriends that are mad about you...that's what REALLY REALLY gets to me. I don't know why it does, but it does!!!
I don't think anyone is an angel when referring to relationships...we've all given abuse and taken abuse of some sort, but......I dunno......sometimes...enough is enough!

just move, living with friends is a bit of a disaster most of the time anyway.

herya

Your friends look like complete dumb*sses to be honest and seeing how it's hard to have a decent conversation with them I'd have no qualms with phasing it out with them. Just look for new friends and let them take over so that you can always meet up with those guys but they won't be your main company any longer.

You seem to be a decent, honest & caring person and I hope that you'll meet new friends/girlfriends who better suit your personality & interests. Decent people are still out there, you're the best example.

Redpunto

they're just immature - ive a friend like that - drives me up the wall

kjl

its called guy talk, from reading your post it sounds like they don't actually cheat on their partners, they just talk about women. Its fair enough, Im mean we are geneticaly designed to think this way

Terodil

kjl wrote: »

its called guy talk, from reading your post it sounds like they don't actually cheat on their partners, they just talk about women. Its fair enough, Im mean we are geneticaly designed to think this way

of course it is, and, like the OP, I hate it with a passion.

Dunno, OP, make a choice: Do you really want to be around those immature gits or do you want to have meaningful friendships? I know what my choice would be.

This lad talk for hours, days, weeks would kill me.

Overheal

john_m wrote: »

They often go on about how they don't want to be with their GFs and that they just wanna go out/get locked and sh@g a stranger....

"Go on then. Why are you standing here telling me about it?"

They need a verbal beating. I wouldnt be afraid to tell any of my friends to STFU if they were being that stupid. Get cynical. I love cynicism. Me and cynicism are like "8" best'ies.

LegacyUser

Hi

thanks again for the replies. I'm delighted to see SOME ppl agree with me...I genuinely thought I was going paranoid or something.

I'd like to think that I wouldn't move out, becuase I love the house I live in , and the rent is OK...It's just that, lately, while trying my best to not be hanging around them, I get alot of 'hey are you ok? etc' ..which drives me mental..They obviously haven't even began to think how irritating they can be..ANYWAY..... I'm sure they think I'm irritating too as I'm not joining in on their 'big manly' chats about how they could have any woman....UUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH... so pathetic

How in the world can such idiots end up with such great girlfriends?? I just sit and talk and laugh with them for hours at a time when they're over, and he have the best time....then the next thing Mr Man walks in and throws her some critical remark about her clothes or summit....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

NedTermo

John_m wrote: »

Hi all,

Long time poster and reader of boards…going anon for this one. Looking for thoughts on my situation…
I live away from home with 3 friends from my home town. I am good mates with these guys, but they have known each other a lot longer than I have known them. Saying that though, we do get on fine and have a laugh when we are hanging out – sharing the same-ish interests etc.

Lately, I have noticed over the last while, that, all the other guys seem to talk about is women, women, women..allllll the time. …to the point where it’s getting irritating. For exmple if I was asked what I was at the for the weekend, and I replied with ‘Yes, I was hanging around town on Saturday and bumped into a girl that I work with and we went for a cheeky pint and then went our separate ways’ – Within seconds the questions would start..’is she hot?’ …’would you bang her?’…’would she be up for it do you think?’
I absolutely sick of the way they talk about other people (women especially) like they are animals or something.

The biggest underlying problem with this, is that 2 of the 3 guys have long term girlfriends, that come to visit quite a lot, and they’re a good laugh to be around etc. But as soon as they are out of sight….all the guys talk about is what girl they were chatting up in a nightclub and tried to get her number and get her back to the house etc etc…. This is the thing I have the biggest problem with, as I think the world of their girlfriends and they are absolutely clueless as to what their bfs get up to when they’re out on their own.

It’s at the stage now, where I can’t listen to them anymore. I find it hard to be in the same room when this rubbish conversation is going on …Guys talking rubbish trying to outdo each other or something. Not surprisingly, they don’t really have any hobbies, other than Drinking and spotting women…YAWWWWNNNNNN….

I don’t want to have a major falling out with them, but I’m at my wits end. When they go on about how much they’d like to ‘bang’ a girl they were chatting to in a club the previous night, I can’t help but think that if their GF was my sister or something, I ‘d absolutely go nuts on them and tell them to shut up and cop on…..but they’re not…so I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s ‘none of my business’ –
Saying that though, I’m expected to chat away to their women like everything is great, but in reality, their BFs talk like they’re just waiting for a chance to screw someone behind their back…Something that they have done in the past, but I’m not sure how many times TBH

Just makes me so upset how they can be so dishonest. As a quite happy singleton, I am losing faith in the whole concept of sharing a life with a significant other.

What can I do to improve the situation anyone? Should I confront the guys, and tell them how pathetic I think they are when they’re talking like that….. the ‘oh I’m such a big man and a player’ Bravado CRAP.

No wonder genuine guys find it so hard to meet someone…

I know I need to do something cause it’s driving me nuts, but I’m just not sure what to do.
I don’t want to completely fall out with a group of people over this if I can help it at all, but I just don’t know what steps I should take to improve the situation.

Would love to hear ye’r opinion 


Thanks a lot

J.

Grow a pair.

The Recliner

NedTermo wrote: »

Grow a pair.

NedTermo my non mod response to your post would be "Grow Up" but that wouldn't be helpful and would derail the topic

Have a read of the charter before posting again, any further unhelpful comments will result in a ban from PI

LegacyUser

john_m wrote: »

How in the world can such idiots end up with such great girlfriends?? I just sit and talk and laugh with them for hours at a time when they're over, and he have the best time....then the next thing Mr Man walks in and throws her some critical remark about her clothes or summit....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I think this is your real problem, you are jealous of them

Darthhoob

ohhhhhhhhhhhh i can sympathize! my brother is like that, despite him having a girlfriend i regard as a sister. tbh i just stay out of it, not sure i would if i KNEW he was cheating...but as i dont i just let them get on with it. she knows what he is like, a terrible terrible flirt, and that he has had many a conquest....she knows this as she knew him for years before they got together. but she is the one in a relationship with him, not me, so it has to be her choice. i expect these guys' gfs probably know what their bfs are like, if not is it your business to tell them? i dunno. can't advise you on that part.

i just tolerate it, but i make it known that i dont think it's clever or cool....but then he IS my brother whereas these guys are not yours

LegacyUser

ha!

Looks like these super-ego people do exist on boards, as well as real life....:)
'Grow A pair'....'you are jealous of them'......inspired responses - Yes....jealousy is the reason that I'm telling you how much of a problem I have with the way they treat their fellow human beings.....well done

The previous poster...I can see where ur coming from....in Families you HAVE to, in a way, put up with whatever stuff comes up. At the end of the day blood will always be thicker than water, and the actual bond ye have will ALWAYS be stronger than any annoying traits some have! (or it should be anyway):)

But I do think however, that 'friends' are different. If I felt I could help them improve their attitudes I would...I really really would....but I fear that their MASSSSIVE ego's are actually bigger than our relationship, which is a shame...... ah welll

Darthhoob

the thing with my bro is, i know (and his gf knows) he has low self esteem, he basically hates the way he looks etc, so i think his ego is a front...his boasting a way of trying to prove to himself that he isn't fat/ugly/unwanted. he KNOWS he isn't those things but he feels it and feels the need to prove it to himself alot.
could be the same for these guys, they could be 'in competition' with eachother because they dont have the self confidence you seem to have. i find that pride is very important to alot of men (not all), and that often involves boasting. it's like gossip/bitching is important to alot of women ...makes them feel better about themselves.

not saying that is the reason but it is a possibility. i dont think you can help them with it, you can't change the way people act or think, and you dont really know why they are like this...you are just a mate/housemate not a therapist. i would probably just make my feelings known that i dont care much for their boasting but unless you want to lose 3 mates, or upset their gf's i dunno what else you can do.

LegacyUser

Wow you're actually decent! You've restored my faith in humanity thanks! The previous posters have already posed the questions i wud ask, basically will you confront them or not, or stay or move out? So all i can say is only you can really answer them, good luck with that!

LegacyUser

You sound like an old woman rather than a man. That is the way most guys carry on. You should either put up with it or become a missionary.

LegacyUser

kelvin26 wrote: »

You sound like an old woman rather than a man. That is the way most guys carry on. You should either put up with it or become a missionary.

The guys that carry on like this are most likely not getting any and feel they have to over compensate for that with their bulls**t talk. I think I fancied guys like this when I was 14,thankfully that phase didn't last too long!

OP you can't protect their girlfriends so just block out their crap talk, hopefully the girls will see through these sad young boys but either way that's not your problem. I personally wouldn't live with people like these.Why don't you just move out or tell them to shut up! Doubt they'll listen though

patftrears

sunflower27 wrote: »

Grow up! Most men do not talk like that all the time - we aren't talking about the odd comment here. And 'putting up with it' makes you sound weak. I suppose that is what you do whenever someone says something you don't like or agree with.

I'd comment further, but you aren't worth the effort.

I'm afraid they do, but not around their girlfriends and it's the guys in long term relationships/married who talk the dirtiest the most.

Good of you to take the effort to say he wasn't worth the effort.

john_m wrote: »

How in the world can such idiots end up with such great girlfriends??

I just sit and talk and laugh with them for hours at a time when they're over, and he have the best time....then the next thing Mr Man walks in and throws her some critical remark about her clothes or summit....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

They have what you want and cannot have, you get to chat to the girls and can only imagine what it would be like to take them to bed.
It's your jealously of them that is making you angry not the way they behave.

john_m wrote: »

If I felt I could help them improve their attitudes I would...I really really would....but I fear that their MASSSSIVE ego's are actually bigger than our relationship, which is a shame...... ah welll

You're the one with the massive ego, thinking that you are better and can fix these people so they are more like you.

Terodil

patftrears wrote: »

I'm afraid they do, but not around their girlfriends and it's the guys in long term relationships/married who talk the dirtiest the most.

Judging by my observations, I'm afraid this statement is true.

Judging by my value system, it's still crap, and I applaud the OP for not doing something that he, like me, finds immature and demeaning (for the women involved).

It's curious that you continue to argue that he must just be jealous to utter such criticism. I see that you cannot transcend the 'possession' concept that you live by and reduce any criticism on the meta-level to the framework you know. But I guess that could be expected.

herya

Terodil wrote: »

Judging by my value system, it's still crap, and I applaud the OP for not doing something that he, like me, finds immature and demeaning (for the women involved).

That's one thing, and another thing is why to spend time with people who are so one tracked and empty headed that you can't even talk with them? They just go blabbing on and on, like verbal jerking off. Whether it's "lads talk" or "bimbo talk" these people make brains wither within ten yard radius.

mormank

i once had a simliar problem with my best mate. he used to be with another girl each week it seemed and he woulnt stop talking about what he had done to this girl or that...in the end i just told him that i didnt want to her about another girl from him until he found someone he actually cared about....he has since gotten involved in a serious relationship...i like to think i helped him into that by confronting him, i didnt help!!, but i like to think i did.


OP you also have to be aware of the fact that a small part of you might actualy be jealous too...

implausible

This is just a case of 'guy talk', some lads just go on like that, not meaning a word of it. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, just stating a fact. TBH I'd be more worried if they were actually doing the dirt and not talking about it.

Your essential problem here, OP, is not the disrespect you perceive them to be showing their girlfriends, but that you are living with people who annoy the crap out of you. Now, if it was a different problem, like them being messy or scabby or something, surely you'd approach it a different way.

You don't have anything in common with these guys, they annoy the sh$*te out of you, you're not going to change them without making a prat out of yourself, just invent a reason and move out!

patftrears

Terodil wrote: »

Judging by my value system, it's still crap, and I applaud the OP for not doing something that he, like me, finds immature and demeaning (for the women involved).

You and the OP are demeaning the woman by assuming they are unable to see what the men are really like. You are treating them like gentle, feeble little creatures that you need to protect, not strong woman who can make up their own minds, probably see it as ladz playing up and are happy and satisfied in their relationship.

Terodil wrote: »

It's curious that you continue to argue that he must just be jealous to utter such criticism.

He Wants
1) such great girlfriends
2) I just sit and talk and laugh with them for hours at a time when they're over, and he have the best time

He hates
1) How in the world can such idiots
2) Mr Man walks in and throws her some critical remark about her clothes or summit....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The jealously comes from him wanting what they have and not being able to get it, that is why he hates them. It is clear for anyone to read.

Terodil wrote: »

I see that you cannot transcend the 'possession' concept that you live by and reduce any criticism on the meta-level to the framework you know. But I guess that could be expected.

People are complex creature and have many different aspects to their personality, I see that you like to judge people and pigeon hole them, based on your own views. This shows a lack of social skills and having lived a sheltered uneventful existence.

herya

patftrears wrote: »

The jealously comes from him wanting what they have and not being able to get it, that is why he hates them. It is clear for anyone to read.

Where does it say that he is "unable to get it"? Anybody would be pissed off living with disrespectful airheads.

patftrears wrote: »

I see that you like to judge people and pigeon hole them, based on your own views. This shows a lack of social skills and having lived a sheltered uneventful existence.

Crystal balls on autumn sale?

newbie2009

Their behaviour is despicable especially for guys in longterm relationships who presumably aren't hormonal teenagers. I'd say address the issue with the more affable of the three and maybe make plenty of off-hand comments about it to them

bSlick

patftrears wrote: »

You and the OP are demeaning the woman by assuming they are unable to see what the men are really like. You are treating them like gentle, feeble little creatures that you need to protect, not strong woman who can make up their own minds, probably see it as ladz playing up and are happy and satisfied in their relationship.


He Wants
1) such great girlfriends
2) I just sit and talk and laugh with them for hours at a time when they're over, and he have the best time

He hates
1) How in the world can such idiots
2) Mr Man walks in and throws her some critical remark about her clothes or summit....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The jealously comes from him wanting what they have and not being able to get it, that is why he hates them. It is clear for anyone to read.

Exactly. It is plain obvious he is jealous and that is where is anger stems from. And as some have said this is the way alot of, if not nearly all, guys talk. Obviously they don't when there are women around. I see sunflower27 said 'most men don't talk like this'....excuse me, but how would you know? All guys filter their conversations when in the company of women, you have no idea what we talk about when you're not around.

I know married guys and guys engaged to be married who constantly talk about the opposite sex and who'd they like to f***. It is completely standard.

I also picked up strong vibes off the OP of 'Im so much better than these guys. I'm so much much more mature than these idiots.' I'm afraid OP that you are the one with the MASSIVE ego as it is you who thinks you are better than these guys. These guys are just normal guys, talking like normal guys do. You have absolutely no right to start criticizing them over this, this is different than your housemates being messy or noisy...you are actually considering criticizing the way they talk. That is highly insulting. You will be considered a complete prick if you 'confronted' them over this. If you don't like them just save yourself the hassle and move out, because you will end up moving out anyway if you start nagging at them over this. Ever hear the phrase - if you walk into a room and think everyone in it is a bollox, it's more than likely you who is the bollox and the rest are normal.

And statements like this show you have a major hard-on for at least one of their girlfriends -

"This is the thing I have the biggest problem with, as I think the world of their girlfriends and they are absolutely clueless as to what their bfs get up to when they’re out on their own."

Who the hell would come out with a statement like 'thinks the world' of somebody unless they were very attracted to them. If the girlfriends were fat rotten mingers you wouldn't have posted this issue at all.

bSlick

herya wrote: »

Where does it say that he is "unable to get it"? Anybody would be pissed off living with disrespectful airheads.

patftrears said "wanting what they have and not being able to get it" in reference to OP's mates girfriends. So what are you trying to say? That he can/should make a move on his mates' girlfriends?

toddster

I don't understand why people slag the poster off instead of offering the advice he has sought. Why come on a personal issues site if you're not going to be sympathetic. It's like for some people this forum is another opportunity for negative minded people to put others down. It's always the same people who come on this thing anyway. I know there's a recession and all and yer probably all out of jobs and have nothing else to do except read about other peoples problems (myself included) but why spread the bad feeling?

Hols

Really the only thing 2 do is move out. these guys are obviously going through your head and soon enough u are bound to have a fall out. if you take yourself away from them for a while you will be able 2 spend time with them and actually enjoy their company. life's too short to be miserable

LegacyUser

The question really is if they are actually cheating or not. The talk is normal for lads even in a relationship. I have a girlfriend as have most of my friends. We are mid 20's and when we would be out(lads only) we would always be commenting on women around us, comments like "You wouldnt say no" and "what I wouldnt do wouldnt be worth doin" would be regular comments, but thats what they are comments. We would not act on them its just a bit of craic.

Dont fool yourself op a crowd of women in a group are just as bad if not worse.

If they actually are cheating though its a different story.

LegacyUser

I've nearly given up on Boards reading the last couple of pages...so true what the last couple of posters are saying...
People CHOOSE to go into PI and obviously just go and call black white and take the most negative aspects of a post and completley magnify it.

This section of the site isn't called 'Boasting your situation' or 'Proclaim how great you're life is' section...or 'Call me an idiot' section...jeez
Seriously .....you know who you are...have some fricken decency for your fellow man...for god's sake!
It's kinda funny that these are the exact type of people that my original issue is about.
the general feeeling I get is that 'Listen dude, just shut up and follow the crowd....and if you don't feel like being a sheep, you've obviously got a huge ego or think you are better than everyone else, and you're a pathetic person cos you're just jealous of the crowd...am i mean...REALLLLY!?? Even though the crowd have no problem with being with other women behind their long term girlfriends backs???It's hilarious! I’m sorry, but I’ll happily stand over in a field of my own if that’s the case


ANNNYWAAYYYY, sorry about the tangent...regarding the guys in the house, I have been trying my best with the to ignore their weaknesses and just get on with things, cos none of us are perfect, right?
Regarding the gf issues and all that...I do know for sure that 2 of the guys definitely have cheated a number of times, but not in the last coupe of months I think..so hopefully it was just a thing they went through...

At the end of the day, everyone's just trying to get along with their lives and trying to be as happy as they can...It just upsets me to see that some people have to be so dishonest to other people in order to get that happy feeling inside.
Maybe I'm a fool to let this affect me, but hey....it does... I'm the kind of person that wired to feel like this. Contrary to what some posters say...that I'm 'jealous' or that I want to get with their girlfriends...irrelevant.... it's just a feeling afterall
I don't think the way I feel is 'right' or 'wrong' - I was just putting it out there to see what people thought...If you have nothing contructive to say...please please click on another page because noone is interested

Many thanks for all who have given their non-judgemental opinion.. thank you thank you thank you...And I'll keep you all posted as to how I get on:)