My weight is ruining my life.

LegacyUser

A long time poster here, But definantly going un-reg for this.

I'm fully aware that there are many posts about weight issues etc, but I need feedback on my own situation, because as it stands, I can't see the wood for the trees.

I'm male, and in my mid twentys, have a reasonably enjoyable job, and a comfy house that I lay down my head each night. But unfortunantly, thats where it stops. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed anything. This is no exaggeration. its been so long since I've felt genuine excitement, happiness or thrill. I believe there to be one culprit, and thats my weight. Having started college 4 years ago now, My first two years were the most enjoyable. My secondary school experience wasnt all that enjoyable, I had been bullied a good bit, which made me a fairly isolated person throughout the rest of my years there. Coming to college I thought this is a new break for me, I can be who I want to be because nobody knows me.

I've always had insecurities about myself, I ignored them and buried them down deep. My first two years of college my weight was ok, not a noticably fat person, I looked good in clothes and had alot of confidence. I have anything but that right now. Im not long having graduated college, recieving a first degree honour, which I was elated about as I worked my ass off in my final year. I've always taken comfort in food, always seen it as my best friend (I dont have any close friends, merely acquaintances..but thats an issue all in itself).

My final year in college I was staying up all kinda crazy hours, working into the wee hours, though in turn eating at rediculous times and we know how bad that is for your body. In turn I put on a good 2 stone in 6 months. I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore..I feel completely disgusted with myself. I cant wear anything anymore without feeling extremely uncomfortable. I wear more layers so It hides the wonderful "man boobs" I've acquired, which in turn makes me sweat more, which just adds to the whole uncomfortable feeling. This post cant even come close to how horrible I feel as its constantly on my mind..everywhere I go. I'm constantly thinking about what people think of me...thinking they see me as this fat guy that they'd want nothing to do with.

It doesnt help that I'm a designer, and I've been quite successful up until this point. Designers by nature like to look good, dress good... and have a good level of living. (its a very social job to have). I feel completely opposite to that steriotype. I honestly believe that due to my overweight...I have no energy...which means I have no motivation to do well and in my job currently, I couldnt care less about it, even though I was damn lucky to get a job in our current economic climate.

I believe that my weight is the problem for everything in my life right now. I never leave the house anymore, I confide in the internet, and the only breaks of "Feeling good" is to smoke herbal weeds (it makes me look bad...but Im a very presentable person most of the time). For a guy, I'm constantly aware of my body..and think everyone is judging me, I get panciky in social situations and public transport brings out the sweats in me. I'd be too embarressed to go to the gym and my motivation is so low,I cant even bring myself to buy weights etc.

Im sorry for the length of this post, but these things needed to be said. I genuinely believe that if I lost the weight..and got fit, everything would fall into place. Aside the weight, I'm a good looking guy and I make best of what I have...(hair, clothes). To meet me you'd think I was very confident..but its just all put on. I'm actually close to tears even finishing this off, so maybe I should wrap up.

I dont really have any real friends ,I dont know why..everyone who meets me gets on with me..I'm a real peoples person, but I think my confidence stops me from following up with them.

Im a guy with alot of problems and I just dont know where to start. The family arent an option as I've already exausted that path already (long story).

I'm hoping someone will relate to this...

Thank you

LegacyUser

so-fed-up! wrote: »

I genuinely believe that if I lost the weight..and got fit, everything would fall into place. )

Hi OP. I know it's hard for you to motivate yourself and find a way through this but you've said it all in the sentence above & you do know what you need to do. Would you try Weightwatchers which loads of people swear by as it gives great support and motivation and is also reasonably easy to stick to? You can join on-line if you dont think you can face going to a class, however the support you get from the class is better. In relation to exercise, instead of starting off with a gym, why not just go for a 30minute walk every day for now to get a little bit fit, and then move on from there. Best of luck with it.

boarddotie

Hi OP,

Im sorry to hear that you are feeling low, it can happen to us all once and a while but it seems that many issues have all come together for you and are on your shoulders.

I am not a psychologist or anything like that but many of the words you use in the post are quite emotive and lead me to think that there are many other issues from your past that a weigh loss will not help with.

However, I am someone who knows about weight loss and fitness and if you want to start anywhere in swinging your life around an improvement in your body composition would be a good palce to start as you link so many problems and anxieties to it.

You say your motivation is so low that you cant even buy weights? How can your motivation be low? You have typed a post where you describe all the hinderances your body weight brings-is that motivation enough to go out and do soemthing? Read your post back-its stark reading but that could be a motivation to do something. So you can read back that post in a few months time and 'tick off' some iteams from the post that you may have overcome.

As for feeling embarassed..everyone in a gym feels embarassed especially when they start out. I work in a gym and I feel nothing but pride in the person who comes in to me and says 'i need to change'. Fair play to them. Would you think about going to a personal trainer to start you off? They will tailor thing specifically to you and would ease you into the exercise world.

Exercise along cant do everything (unfort) so a change in eating habits is necessary too. Would you think of Weight Watchers for Men? Again it could be embarassing (I did it and I was) but it retrains you and your eating habits and also gives you weekly motivations to continue.

Just my practical advice I suppose...Best of Luck!

LegacyUser

Hey OP
I know exactly how you feel. I was that guy at one stage. All i can say is that you have taken the first step towards losing the weight. Once you decide you dont want to feel like this anymore you can start to fix it. I know you might be self concious in a gym but honestly, no one will be judging you. In fact, if i see someone in there working their a$$ off i think fair play. You would be amazed how quick you will see results with just one hour a day 4 says a week. Put the work in for six weeks and i guarantee you will see results and fele better about yourself. At one stage in my life i was 20 stone , with a little bit of hard work i got that down to 13 stone. It didnt happen overnight but it was well worth the effort. You got a first in your college degre so you are obviously able to set goals and achieve them, this is the exact same. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thank you for that dottie,gave me something to think about.

You're right about the motivation thing, it did sound a bit silly reading it back, but this issue has effected me for so long now that I honestly think its "poisened" my way of thinking. I hate coming across moany or whingy, but its hard not to when you have as many hinderances as I do. Many would say "ah..sure just start exercising, and you'll be fine"....I wish I could just go out there and do it, but my self-esteem is non existant, so doing something that a "normal" person could/should do..I find it 10 times harder to even consider it.

I would definantly get a personal trainer, but I'd have to like him. ( that might sound funny, but If I were to put myself out like that, I'd want him to be the sort who's supportive..and not just there because he needs his bills paid). In saying that, most personal trainers I've seen seemed to be warm friendly people...a job prerequisite?

I know starting is the hardest, though the starting line for this seems like the biggest thing I'd have to do yet in my life.

sachamama

I've been there too, and i found that concentrating on loosing weight as the sole thing that will change your life and make you happier, DOES NOT WORK.

Here's some advice, I hope this helps:

take it one day at a time, try to imagine yourself slimmer, happier and with more energy, rather than imagining yourself at a particular target weight that seems like its miles away. You'll begin to feel healthier pretty quickly once you start a new eating/exercise regime, and you can adjust your "goal" image based on your comfort zone.

give yourself the space to regress, you are going to have emotional set-backs during the next 6 months that may drive you back to your best friend, as you call food, so go easier on yourself rather than falling into a trap of self-anger and shame.

And most importantly, the issue of food being your best friend - you need to change this. If you continue to feel this while dieting you will really feel deprived of something that you need in order to be happy. so you will begin to resent the diet, and you wont stick with it. So I would recommend to you if you can't afford a personal trainer in the gym and a motivational interviewer (Cognitive Behavioural Therapist), drop the personal trainer for the moment and find a therapist who will help you to work out why food is your best friend and what you can do to change this thought process. It will help you stay with your new programme for longer, and once you have conquered your issues around food, or friendship, or emotional core values, you can concentrate on getting your slimming body looking even better with the personal trainer.

best of luck with this,
Sachamama

LegacyUser

to Start today: Sorry mate, didnt see you post till now, I understand exactly what you're saying and I think I need to do that to push me in the right direction, hell...they're all there for the same reason, so I know I wouldnt be the only one feeling a bit self-conscious.

To sashamama: I understand what you're saying, and I'd agree. The only thing though is a therapist wont help me because I'm fully aware what my issues are, I know why I confide in food and why I am the way I am mentally.


I feel uncomfortable about doing anything thats just the slightest bit out of my comfort zone, Its like this amazingly cringey feeling I get. I've done stupid things like getting a taxi from one place to another because I couldnt face getting on a bus, being that close to a group of strangers, and its only because I dont feel comfortable in my skin at all. I used to be alot slimmer..and I swore to myself that I would get overweight. I actually feel like Im wearing this temporary heavy suit, and Im in constant discomfort.

My body is telling me that it doesnt feel right, like my body isnt used to it.
I think if I dont do something soon, my situation will just spiral out of control.

sunnyside

I feel lots of sympathy for you reading that.

It's obvious that your appearance is really important to you. Thankfully a weight problem is something that can be worked on.

You say you don't fit the stereotype of your job and despite what people will say about stereotypes it's obvious that you want to fit it. But if everyone's the exact same as each other in your business people might really like you for being different. Please keep that in mind so that you can be happy now as well as when you've made changes.

I don't know about Weightwatchers/Unislim/Motivation clinic, etc but I do believe the support you could get from a system like that would help.

But what I think you really need to do is to commit to weight loss and improving your appearance with the same determination you had to get the first in your degree.

There's a fitness forum on here with loads of advice (In the drop down menu under Rec at the top of the page). Go lurk or post there for some inspiration.

sunnyside

so-fed-up! wrote: »

I wish I could just go out there and do it, but my self-esteem is non existant, so doing something that a "normal" person could/should do..I find it 10 times harder to even consider it.

.

That sounds like depression, and you do say you are depressed about your weight. If you have no motivation to exercise/go to a gym you have to do it anyway. Exact same as going to work in the morning when you have no motivation to. You have to do it. No choice.


As for the personal trainer, don't sign up for 6 months, just book one or 2 sessions. If you don't like him/her book a few sessions with someone else until you find one you like.

Matamoros

Op, some of what you said sounds like the thoughts that I had when I was most depressed years ago. You may need help.

I would stop worrying too much about fat or weight and more consider your overall well-being. Proper sleep, rest, exercise, diet, stress management are some of the things that we all must consider and must be integrated into our lives. You are suffering from simply the consequences of not doing those things which in time will form part of your everyday life. Your health and fitness are one part of the picture, when you start there, things look better but it's not a cure all.

It would be great to hear that you nipped this thing in the bud because I did those behaviours that you mentioned for years before I started to change. For me, it started with having a look at myself and thinking why I would make Me suffer and shouldn't I take part in life and contribute something to the world even if is just being a good person. That seemed to give me a little boost and I literally started caring about my health by eating the side salad with a meal one day and took a small bit less on my plate, I never have stopped myself splurging on food but the little changes that I've made are making a big difference, I called it at the time " The Quiet Revolution" because it came in so gradually that it was no pain at all to change, the satisfaction now of having done it this way is good having been the type of person who would want results quickly before this.

I am now going to the gym most days and feeling better for it, people are noticing my appearance and commenting on it, I do believe that most people want to be supportive and only think fair play when they see even the biggest person doing a bit in the gym, I know that I do.

I hope that this post and others can help you look at your issues and start to change, I was if I may say so probably in at least as bad a shape as you both physically and psychologically, it seems bad now but it definitely can and will get better.

LegacyUser

Your post is so familiar as it is exactly what I went through myself. I used to feel really down about my weight, I'd try to lose some but it never worked which in turn made me feel more depressed and worthless which of course meant I put on more weight. Went to Weight Watchers once but it was a mixed meeting and I felt really really self-conscious and left early and never went back, although in hindsight it was probably more my own insecurities and I should really have probably gone to a men-only session. I got pretty low over time and have to say that I think people really underestimate the effect being over-weight has on men's self-esteem, I know mine was definitely shot!! People seem much quicker to comment on a man's weight in a way they never would about a woman...but that's life I guess!!

In the end I went to my GP who was really understanding and talked through it with me and referred me to a dietitian who (after some blood tests to make sure nothing was wrong) worked with me to put together a "diet" which was really just a better way of looking at eating. Have to say I found all the medical people very very supportive, probably because they saw I wanted to do something about my health before it was too late. With help from the dietitian I lost 2lb every week until I'd lost 2 1/2 stone (without any extra exercise) and of course this time when people were quick to comment about my weight it was how much I'd lost which of course gives you a boost and eggs you on.

If I were to give any advice it would be to go to your GP who can rule out things like depression, diabetes etc and can put you in touch with a dietitian, overall mine cost about €250 but it was the BEST money I ever spent but if you go public you may not have to pay. I'd also try and stay off the weed as that's not doing you any favours. By the sounds of it you've hit rock bottom but sometimes you need to go that low before you can really turn things around but it sounds like you're determined to make things better so although you have a tough road ahead of you I reckon you're going to get to where you want! Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks Sunny

Im not someone who likes to conform to clicks or niche socialism usually. but there is alot to be said for a designer who looks the part, you know?....seeing someone overweight would put a negatively aesthetic feelings in your mind...

I remember how I used to be when I was slimmer, outgoing and had tonnes of confidence to hand around. Im naturally a "nice guy"....so that inturn makes me naturally welcoming to people..its like a natural reaction I'd give to someone that might make me look more confident than I actually am.

The thought of being with a woman is mind bendingly cringe worthy.Its cut me off from the rest of world, knowing that I'm missing out on so much just because I cant get this together.

Jwacqui

Hi OP,

I am female but can relate to most of your post. This is how I once felt about myself. I weighing in at over 17stone and literally hated myself, wouldn't walk anywhere because I was so self consious that people where staring at me. I joined a gym and would drive there see alot of cars and go home because I couldn't bring myself to go in thinking it was busy.
I spent years trying to lose weight, losing it then regaining it because I had such low confidence that one slip up would send me spiralling out of control.

For me I think the number one thing is to get your head sorted. For me that was the absolute key. I have so far lost 45lb and am feeling great! I want to lose another 3stone but feel great about myself the way I am which helps so much!!

For me the support of other people is key!! I have lost my weight with WeightWatchers and find it fantastic. I cannot recommend it enough! Not only is it easy to follow but the support you recieve is a great help. It can also be a place to meet new people which might help also.

Regarding the exercise with WW you are encouraged to incorporate it but it is not essential. I have lost all my weight so far without any.

I really hope you turn it all around for yourself and you'll find once you lose even a few pounds you will realise it's not that hard and as the pounds come off you will feel lighter mentally and it gets easier.

Take it one day at a time and if you slip up or have a bad day just start again. For me I came to the realisation that I wasn't happy with my weight and I was the only person who could change it and I had my life to do this so don't put time constraints on yourself.

Hope some of that helps!!

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

sachamama

so-fed-up! wrote: »

The only thing though is a therapist wont help me because I'm fully aware what my issues are, I know why I confide in food and why I am the way I am mentally.

if you want to break out of your current way of thinking, a therapist will help you. It sounds like you are stuck and quite happy to be stuck. as long as you are certain therapy will not help, then you are correct because you have a great resistance to it.

maybe that's the real issue? your unwillingness to break through this blockage?

newbie2009

For what its worth I thought I'd comment on the friends issue. I know it's not the primary issue here but I would share a similar problem in getting close to people and being able to cross that line in a relationship where it goes from an acquantance to a friend. You are, as you say, putting up a confident front which belies your inner turmoil and this facade might be putting people off (and yourself) from developing proper relationships. It takes a strong person to reveal their weaknesses to others and to seek help, support and advice. Don't underestimate people and their ability to empathise and understand your situation. We all have insecurities and share the same self-doubt. Maybe if you opened yourself up to one or two of these acquantances who you could trust this would allow you to be yourself and address some of your issues. 'No man's an island' for the want of a better proverb but I think there's some truth in it as it's self-destructive to beep bottling things up and hiding from life.

ANTIFA!

Hi OP you mention you don't want to go gym but honestly nobody cares. You're there to 'improve' yourself just like everyone else. At your weight with a good diet and regime you would see results FAST!!!

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/newyearsguide.htm

These are real people who with dedication and commitment got in shape and theres no reason why you can't do it.

Honestly just get yourself into a gym it will be the best thing you ever did.

Important, before you start your regime take a picture, and then keep taking pics every week and you'll notice an improvement.

good luck.

MrMicra

Set an achieveable goal focussed on fitness initially (run for 5 minutes for example). Begin montoring your portions. Keep a note of what you eat including snacks.

If you are good with money Weight Watchers will probably be a big help nb there are men only WW classes and I have seen it work.

Hypnotherapy is often effective as is just writing down again and again why you want to lose weight.

So far as going to the gym is concerned these people will be very encouraging of weightloss.

LegacyUser

I used to weigh over 90 kilos and it was really annoying me, I felt like a mobile blob. After many evenings of sitting in and self loathing - I decided enough was enough and I was going to do something about it. I had a friend who tried to lose weight a few months earlier who started excercising with gusto but gave it up after a few months - I learned from that - too much too soon will just burn you out.

I started with some short walks - about 2km. The next week I upped it to a trot/walk combo, twice a week. The next week jog for 2km and so on.

The important thing was that I let it drift into my life so that it was easy to adapt.

Within weeks I was losing on average 1kg every week. Now I've lost 11 kg already. But beware, weight loss should not be the target - fat can turn to muscle which can actually be heavier. Don't conentrate on weight loss alone.

Thats just my experience - all I can advise is if you do it gradually you more than likely to succeed, but stick to it!

Go n-eiri an t-adh leat!

kjl

Well you have no sympathy from me OP, you sound like you are maybe 4 stone overweight, I think its pathetic that you feel like this and you don't do anything about it, Im very slim fit person, I go to the gym every 2 days, and I diet all the time.

When Im at the gym I see loads of overweight people, and nobody takes heed of them. Get on a work out plan and start dieting, eat smaller meals more regularly, reduce your carb intake

Stop moaning about it and do something, you are typical of what the Irish people have gotten like. If your not happy lose it, you could have it all gone in less then a year.

LauraLoo

Hi OP

i can understand where you are coming from and as you said yourself you know exactly what the problem is- i suppose it finding the motivation to pull yourself out of the hole.

I agree with some of the posters. It sounds like you could possibly have a type of depression which could be preventing you from moving forward.

i suggest you discuss how you feel with a GP as if it is a case that you might be depressed (simply put- a physical, chemical imbalance- not necessarily a mental/psychological disorder) there are some meds that can help re-set your chemical balance.

username123

Hi OP,
Theres a lot in your posts that leads me to think you might be depressed. You have zoned in on weight being an issue, but seem unable to commit to a plan to lose it. You feel uncomfortable all the time but rather than sort it you talk about how bad it makes you feel.

If youre in the position of not having the motivation to change things then perhaps you are depressed and need to see a GP?

If you want to do something about your weight then there are loads of options. I personally dont like gyms myself, nothing to do with the gym itself, but its a hassle to have the bag of gear packed, travel to it etc...(I dont live near one). However I do have 2 legs and theres miles of pavement everywhere I look - as is no doubt the same for you. So start walking, get an ipod to listen to, start small, a half hour walk, then start increasing distance, and then increase speed. When you get up to an hours walk everyday at a good speed youll be covering 4 miles a day.
Start swimming. I just started classes and I was dreading going, out of shape, would they all laugh cos I am so unfit etc... No - no one cares about me, Im just another body in the water.
Start cycling to work, no better way to beat the traffic.

You will start to feel better about your weight once you start to address the issue, and then the exercise will release endorphins, increasing the feel good so that will help too.
Get your diet in order, no junk and clean meals - that will help with your weight loss program as well.

Consider weight watchers, not only will it help with the weight loss but you might even make friends there.

Or you could start off walking yourself then join a walking group - that way its another social outlet, plus you will be getting the exercise you need.

When you have started to drop weight reassess yourself and how you feel about yourself, if your self esteem has not improved then consider talking to a doctor about it.

I realise that its very easy for me to suggest all these things but you are having difficulty getting started, but the truth is, no one can do this for you - you HAVE to do it for yourself. So do it. It will be much easier once you make a start.