No belief system...can't deal with death

LegacyUser

Hi guys

I'd really appreciate your input / insight.

Recently a friend of mine died suddenly and I'm having a really hard time coping. Technically I'm catholic but not practising and religion is something I have abandoned for years so I am unsure as to what my beliefs are.
I don't know if I believe in an afterlife, but this seems to be making the grieving process even more difficult. I break down daily at the thought of not seeing him again and just can't get my head straight on what to think or believe.
I know it's a part of the grieving process but I can't stop questioning everything - where is he now? Is he just a memory and am I to just come to terms with the fact that he now only exists in the memories and photographs etc that I have of him?

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this and I don't want to open a can of worms re religion etc, but I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has lost a loved one as to what helped you to deal with things.

Thanks for reading

Taltos

Hey,

I am/was a bit similar to you. In my case I pretty much repressed the feelings of grief you are describing here only for it to vent in anger/rage.

So as someone who still has those feelings I recommend that maybe you take sometime out for yourself. Maybe even consider going to talk to a grief counsellor. The thing about religion is the ceremonies/prayers that you repeat over and over tend to have a calming effect on the mind a bit like meditation. However as a non-believer / lapsed believer you are now missing out on that benefit.

The good news for you is that generally it does get better for you - in that your mind learns how to deal with the loss and hopefully you will come to accept it. However you might find yourself 5 yrs and more down the line when something reminds you of the person you have lost and you break down again - that is totally natural.

As I said above take some time just for you and if after a few more days it is not getting any easier then reach out to talk to someone - be it a church or a grief counsellor or a really close friend. The key thing for you is to learn how to accept this loss in a constructive way. So that you can think fondly of this person without breaking down or like me exhibit your loss in feelings of anger etc - the destructive way to go.

> See no worries - did not turn this into a religious debate at all

sachamama

Bereavement Ireland offer low cost counselling for people in your situation, so it shouldn't be the cost of the counselling that puts you off going. I did post a website here originally but I don't think its the right one. If you are interested I can get a contact name for you who works there, send me a PM.

and remember to breathe, particularly if you are feeling anxious or deeply upset.

So sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

My father died very suddenly last year and like you i couldnt come to terms with it. I am a catholic but not a practising one but i really have turned to god, dont think of them as dead because they are not here in body but they are in spirit, i missed seeing him but if i close my eyes i can see him and if i touch my heart i can feel him, i write in my diary a little letter to my dad everyday and just tell him how my day went and reminise on memories we had together, you have to look at the positives in your life, our hearts are broken so we can take more in and give more love out, i hope you will find peace in time

Overheal

Your experience with religion will differ to mine - the last time I attended church in that fashion, I was probably 4 or 5. And I was never baptised. So religion was never much at play in my life and still isnt. I still get upset when people die. No you wont see them again. Yes you will remember them. Yes they will be remembered. But yes they are gone. It gets easier to come to terms with. It just takes time.

From my perspective the only difference between me and the religious is they believe that person is in heaven somewhere. One way or the other, you still wont see them again in your lifetime. So I dont think Ive found it any harder to cope with loss than a religious person might.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

No you wont see them again. Yes you will remember them. Yes they will be remembered. But yes they are gone. It gets easier to come to terms with. It just takes time.

You see, reading this brought a lump to my throat. It cuts me to the core and I can't accept it just yet. My heart is broken already and I don't think I have the capacity to cope with what will come if I choose to believe this.

I know that denial is the first part of grieving, but I don't think this is what I am experiencing - I know that my friend is dead, I watched his coffin being lowered into his grave and I understand that he no longer exists as I knew him. It's figuring out how exactly I move on from this point, what I believe as truth and how I align this horrific fact of his death that I am struggling with.

It was quite sudden, he literally was there one second, gone the next, he was quite young, healthy, full of life...and I just can't align that with any kind of normality. It's like I want to believe in an afterlife, in God, in everlasting love and all that, if only for the sake of getting through the day, but the logical part of my brain...the same part that decided religion didn't make much sense all those years ago - isn't allowing me.

Anyway I'm rambling, my head is just all over the place. Thank you all for your insight. I take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

Antilles

OP, first off, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Please don't let this bereavement drive you back to religion. I don't like criticising people's beliefs, but if you have lost faith, you are the better for it.

Religion can be a crutch for those who truly believe, but re-entering the church without that faith will do nothing to ease your pain.

It is perfectly natural to wonder what has happened to your friend. Atheism means not believing in gods. It does not preclude the existence of an afterlife, or a soul. I am an atheist, but agnostic on the question of the soul's existence, for example.

Think about your friend's passing, and let it help you explore your own philosophical beliefs, but please don't feel you have no choice but to return to the Church.

Nakor

Sorry for your loss.

I experienced similar feelings when my father died.
Although i can't say what would be the best for you right now, i'll write down what helped me.
I accepted death as part of life. Our culture does not teach you to accept death, it only embraces life and this in my opinion is a big problem. Death is as important in life as birth and as you do not have control over your date of birth the same way you do not have control over your death. It can take you anytime, and will take you for sure.

Try to accept that you will die as well and try not to be afraid of it. If you can release this fear, it will be easier for you to release your friend.

I do not think it is useful meditating on what happens when you die.

Overheal

cantcope wrote: »

You see, reading this brought a lump to my throat. It cuts me to the core and I can't accept it just yet. My heart is broken already and I don't think I have the capacity to cope with what will come if I choose to believe this.

Indeed. It should hurt you to hear those words. But you ought to hear them. You ought to face those feelings, and let them surface, and let them run their course.

I really dont think you can choose to believe something just to bandage your feelings though. Believe in what makes sense to You. Not because it might hurt less now.

I know that denial is the first part of grieving, but I don't think this is what I am experiencing - I know that my friend is dead, I watched his coffin being lowered into his grave and I understand that he no longer exists as I knew him. It's figuring out how exactly I move on from this point, what I believe as truth and how I align this horrific fact of his death that I am struggling with.

It was quite sudden, he literally was there one second, gone the next, he was quite young, healthy, full of life...and I just can't align that with any kind of normality. It's like I want to believe in an afterlife, in God, in everlasting love and all that, if only for the sake of getting through the day, but the logical part of my brain...the same part that decided religion didn't make much sense all those years ago - isn't allowing me.

Thats about what I figured. And Im sure the thought crossed my mind at one point.

My Stepmother (PI, are you tired of me playing this card yet?) - happy and healthy Saturday, dead in the ditch by Sunday. Once you get through the mourning process and come to accept that he/she is gone the only next thing is "What Do I do Next?" - and to be perfectly honest I probably spent more time contemplating the dramatic changes that were going on in my life and in my family as a result of that death than I did her actual passing. We had her ceremony (two of them... but I dont wanna get into that much) And then we buried her. At that point, she was gone, and, she was where she needed to be, which was a relief for us all. And then we move on from there.

Don't mourn what he wasnt able to do in life but celebrate what he did do in life. My stepmother is continued on by her 2 wonderful sons and her good nature was infectious, still floating around today. Its glass half full mentality, but it works for me.

Futurecrook wrote: »

OP, I am truly sorry for your loss.

Edit:

I always wind up omitting these from my responses. It doesnt mean I dont care - I just consider it implied.

Futurecrook

cantcope wrote: »

You see, reading this brought a lump to my throat. It cuts me to the core and I can't accept it just yet. My heart is broken already and I don't think I have the capacity to cope with what will come if I choose to believe this.

OP, I am truly sorry for your loss. I experienced the same feelings when a family member passed away last year. Similarly it was very sudden and he was a young man, full of life with so much to look forward to. I sat in the church at his funeral wondering what the point of it all was. While, like you, I was raised Catholic, I no longer have any religious beliefs and while most of my family were taking comfort in the fact that he was gone to a "better place", I felt that he was just gone.

You're right, those words do hurt and I dont know what I can say to comfort you except maybe that, as you said, you are not the only one to ever feel like this. What is important is that you remember him. Talk about him. Think of the good times. It will help you get through this. Overheal has given you some great advice there.

cantcope wrote: »

I know that denial is the first part of grieving, but I don't think this is what I am experiencing - I know that my friend is dead, I watched his coffin being lowered into his grave and I understand that he no longer exists as I knew him. It's figuring out how exactly I move on from this point, what I believe as truth and how I align this horrific fact of his death that I am struggling with.

Yes, losing a loved is painful, but death is a part of life. It is inevitable. As time goes on you will learn to accept this. Remember him. That is all you can do.

cantcope wrote: »

It was quite sudden, he literally was there one second, gone the next, he was quite young, healthy, full of life...and I just can't align that with any kind of normality. It's like I want to believe in an afterlife, in God, in everlasting love and all that, if only for the sake of getting through the day, but the logical part of my brain...the same part that decided religion didn't make much sense all those years ago - isn't allowing me.

Anyway I'm rambling, my head is just all over the place. Thank you all for your insight. I take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

Don't feel obliged to "find your faith" as a result of this. If you want to turn to religion to help you through this then you can. But if you don't believe in it there is no point in trying to convince yourself. You will eventually come to terms with all of this in your own way. You just have to give yourself time. Find someone you can talk to about all of this - a counsellor, a friend, a family member - it will help.

I don't think losing a loved one is ever something you can be "okay" with, but it gets easier with time.

philologos

OP: If you say you are a Catholic, why not arrange to speak with your parish priest, and find ways to become more involved in the faith you were raised in. This seems to be the perfect solution for you to either a) see if you find value in Catholicism, or b) decide that it isn't the right faith for you.

More importantly, get down and discuss these kind of questions with your priest, about the afterlife if you find that it is making your grieving process difficult. These people claim to be compassionate, why not give them the benefit of the doubt and see if they can resolve any of your questions.

Wishing you the best.

N.B in case people claim I am being biased by this post - I'm personally not a Catholic, but if the OP was raised Catholic as you say you may as well explore it.

LegacyUser

Thanks to Overheal and all for the advice.

I just feel completely lost right now. Despite what I said earlier, I think maybe I am in denial about all of this - I can't, or won't, talk about my friend in the past tense, or reminisce about him, because it just seems so ridiculous...I was only texting him two weeks ago about starting back at college, how can it be that a few days later I'd be watching his coffin being lowered into the ground? It's just so unjust and unfair and it has shaken my world and all my beliefs about life to the core.

I'm lucky in that I've never had to think very much about death up until this point because I've never lost anyone close to me until now. And it's very, very overwhelming and I'm wondering how anyone gets through it. I don't think this will ever make sense to me or be OK with me. And I'm just thinking about down the road, having to deal with this again, and again, and again. And I'm wondering what the hell the point of it all is, and not willing to accept that there is no point, it just is.

Thanks again to everyone. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that this gets easier. I feel as though I have a long road ahead of me but I'll be ok.