Boys breakup technique

ciagr297

I'm trying to figure out if this is a new technique or what....or maybe i've been dating the wrong type of guys:D:D

A male friend of mine recently asked my opinion on his breakup technique. Basically he'd been seeing this girl on and off for about 6 months but felt it wasn't right for him so decided to call a halt.
The news was not well received....

so he thought it was his technique that caused the bad reception. looking back, i was probably a bit blunt but i basically told him that breakups hurt and the more he tried to dodge that, the worse it would be.

is this immaturity or unwillingness on his part to accept that breakups hurt?

now maybe i've not bothered to notice this amongst male friends before, but it seems to me that there are more males out there going to some considerable lengths to not make a breakup hurt?

Wibbs

Women do it just as much, though maybe in a different way. The amount I've known who want to break up with a guy but won't do it until someone new comes along that gives them the shove. Then there's the classics "I love you, but not in love with you", "maybe my feelings will come back with time", "I want us to stay friends", most of which especially the last one are designed to make the break as easy as possible on them not the person being dumped. I would say in my experience anyway, that more women keep the ex in the background emotionally as a "friend" until the next relationship is on a more solid footing.

In both genders I think emotional cowardice is a large part of it IMHO. They may say it's because they care for the others feelings and they may genuinely believe that, but I think it's moreso to avoid feeling too guilty themselves.

helimachoptor

it's because we dont want to appear a pr*ck!
I know with one GF i had no interest in being with her but I didnt want to end it as we were first loves, so i basically turned into a prick and she met someone else and we broke up problem solved

Wibbs

helimachoptor's example is more the usual bloke response I would have said. I can't think of many women I've known who did that. Act like a knob and that way she breaks up with you first. That can backfire though. The treat em mean keep em keen factor.

helimachoptor

The thing is you need to treat them so bad it gets beyond the "treat em mean" point and get to the "get the fcuk away from me you stupid cnut" point it generally works then, though obviously the level of prickness needed for that is quite exceptional.

banshee_bones

yeah i have heard friend guys of mine openly admit to me that, 3 or 4 months in they want out and dont want to be seen as the bad guy so they start being an A$$hole and in the hope she will get tired of it and break up with them, leaving them to happily skip along guilt free job done.

Last person i was with was adamant for us to be friends when he finished it with me, even when i begged for space, i deleted him on facebook, deleted photos of us together,deleted number from phone, was doing everything I could and yet he persisted on us being friends.

I even ignored emails he sent me until many many months went by until i found myself in a more stable position to reply.
Then he pushed the friends thing again, ran into him accidentally one day,very civil, i happened to be looking very well that day, happy emotionally stable looking well from alot of post-break-up-motivational-gym-sessions!!
we chatted had tea and after that one meeting low and behold he stopped contacting me. IMO because he as you said "was on a more firm footing in his new relationship" so all his feelings of guilt were possibly gone now.

Malari

Wibbs wrote: »

helimachoptor's example is more the usual bloke response I would have said. I can't think of many women I've known who did that. Act like a knob and that way she breaks up with you first. That can backfire though. The treat em mean keep em keen factor.

Acting like a knob, however is not really going to prevent pain for the girl if you have been having a relationship based on the fact that he isn't a knob, is it?

When my ex and I broke up years ago he did start kind of acting the maggot before he broke up with me. But I knew him so well (which constantly amazed him) I just called him on it and he admitted he couldn't handle it when I left for college and didn't want to continue. I was upset at the time, but more upset if he hadn't respected me enough to tell me to my face.

All other times I've done the dumping and, well, you just don't care that much after you've made the decision so I just tried to be upfront and honest and do it as quickly as possible!

ciagr297

yeah, agree with Malari....its a bit of a band-aid moment, you've got to do it, it will hurt but do it fast!

i'm just a bit surprised at the lengths some boys go to in order NOT to be an a**hole when they want to breakup with someone.
from my perspective, you're gonna be an a**hole anyway for a while, just accept it and move on.

imo, the "nicer" you try to be about it, the worse it gets AND you have mixed signals.

but sometimes the above nicey-nicey strategy comes across as "i want to keep my options open with you or someone in your circle in the future" which makes me really cross. cut all ties....you can't be everything to everyone all the time

plus there is a thin line between the normal breakup-he's-an-a**hole behaviour and being a pr*ck

SeekUp

Wibbs wrote: »

helimachoptor's example is more the usual bloke response I would have said. I can't think of many women I've known who did that.

I've done it. It didn't feel good, but I did it.

ciagr297 wrote: »

now maybe i've not bothered to notice this amongst male friends before, but it seems to me that there are more males out there going to some considerable lengths to not make a breakup hurt? . . . imo, the "nicer" you try to be about it, the worse it gets AND you have mixed signals.

Am I missing something? I mean, why wouldn't someone not want to make a breakup hurt? It sucks anyway, why would they want to make it worse? If someone's trying to be nice about it, perhaps they're just not being a jerk?

Latchy

helimachoptor wrote: »

it's because we dont want to appear a pr*ck!
I know with one GF i had no interest in being with her but I didnt want to end it as we were first loves, so i basically turned into a prick and she met someone else and we broke up problem solved

Wibbs wrote: »

helimachoptor's example is more the usual bloke response I would have said. I can't think of many women I've known who did that. Act like a knob and that way she breaks up with you first. That can backfire though. The treat em mean keep em keen factor.

Reminds me a friends situation in that he was going out with this girl for 6 months but she would sometimes make references about her former boyfriend whom she still thought about till friend got fed up one day and told her in the nicest possible way to get lost .Missing your former ex is one thing but present boyfriends /girlfriends dont want to hear it .....perfect way to end a relationship

panda100

I think the most kindest and sensitive way to break up with someone is to tell them directly as soon as you feel its not working out.

Breakups, particularly ones that are not mutual, are always going to hurt. The are definatly a lot more painless when they are honest, quick and direct.

If you let the relationship drag on,dump her by email/text or act like a ba*tard so she'll dump you then the only person your making the split easy on and not hurting is yourself.

Oh The Humanity

I think while a bit of human sensitivity is required its best to be direct.

The person who was dumped will always find something to complain about, of course they will.

If the dumper tries to cushion the blow too much then the dumped person will complain they are getting mixed messages.

But if the dumper is plain and honest the dumped person will accuse the dumper of being cruel etc

There is no right way to break up with someone. I think honesty is the best policy and some of these lines given in order to spare peoples feelings only confuse them more.

If there is someone else you are better telling them so they dont go around being the only one who doesn't know and boring their friends stupid with thinking there is a chance they might get back with the dumper.

There is no need to be brutal but the least you can do is be honest and stop worrying about whether the person will still like you cos thats selfish.

They have every right not to like you if you broke up with them so accept that!

No more 'its not you its me' instead 'it is you, you smell !!!'

_ZeeK_

'dump'ing means that its never a decision reached mutually by both people in the relationship. one person wants to exit, the other does not.

therefore, the 'dump'ed will always nitpick on the breakup. regardless of what technique was used.

pikachucheeks

ciagr297 wrote: »

now maybe i've not bothered to notice this amongst male friends before, but it seems to me that there are more males out there going to some considerable lengths to not make a breakup hurt?

I don't think it's specific to genders, really. I know a lot of women who would pussyfoot around a break up too!

The way I see it, a break up is always going to be awkward. You're ending things with a person you care/d about, or someone you care about is ending things with you - how could that not be difficult?

I think a lot of people take the 'soft' approach and try to not "make a breakup hurt" to protect the other person - and sometimes, themselves.

They want to cause minimal damage to the other person - hence why lies lines such as "it's not you, it's me" exist.

In my experience, little white lies like that never work - the dumpee is left feeling unsatisfied at the reasons given and they're made insecure.
"Did he dump me because I put on weight?" "Did she end things because she fancied someone else".

I have no respect for people who can't be honest in a break up. If you're going to end things with a person, you owe it to them to be truthful. How can a person ever move on, when they have no idea why they were dumped? They'll pick on their every flaw and insecurity, wondering if that was the reason things ended.

Yes, the truth hurts - but in the long run, it's easier from a person to move on and recover from a break up than if they were lied to, in my opinion.

PK2008

"Cold and distant" FTW

Jim

I've broken up with two girls in my time, both of which I was very direct with and just told them the reason and both took it very well with little or no drama.

I know a few friends who tried the same approach and it blew up in their faces. I think if this happens there's no point in arguing, or trying to justify yourself to make it better. As ciagr297 said there's problably little you can say to make it better and you're going to be seen as an asshole for atleast awhile, accept it.

nesbitt

I think there are several common break up techniques. Change of behaviour, ie acting the magot on loads of levels. I think this approach is particularly cruel and distructive to the dumped persons self esteem. The absolute best aproach, is brief well thought out exit conversation, and cut all ties. The lets be friends routine is IMHO a load of crap and only prolongs the dumped persons agony further needlessly and prevents them from moving on.