Scared of my parents dying

LegacyUser

Every so often I get depressed and anxious when I think about the fact that my parents will pass away in the future. I'm not sure I'll be able to cope with it. My dad is 71 and has a history of heart problems. My mam is 70 but she's healthy for her age and I'm pretty sure my dad will be the first parent I lose. I'm really close to my parents, I visit them at least twice a week. I love them to bits and can't imagine my life without them.

It's affecting my career in a way. Next year I'll have the option of moving to England or the US with my job for a 3 year posting. I would really like to do this but the thing that would put me off moving is the possibility that either my mam or dad could pass away while I'm there. I know that a bereavement would be much harder to bear if I'm living abroad. I find that I'm not happy at the idea of moving because they mightn't be around when I return. At the same time, I'm 29, it would be a good career move and I mightn't get the same opportunity again.

I haven't mentioned this to them, tbh I'd feel a bit awkward talking about it, I know they'd advise me to make the move, but I'm not sure. Sorry, I know this post is kind of all over the place, I don't know what I'm looking for. I know I'm probably not being rational but I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has the same dread of bereavement or been in a similar situation.

dudara

Your parents will die - that's a natural fact. There's no beating around the bush on this topic.

I think about it too sometimes. I worry about the parent that will be left behind (unless they both go together) but then I realise that there's nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing, nature will have its way, and we'll deal with it as it happens.

You have to live your life. Don't use this as an excuse to hold yourself back.

LegacyUser

Your parents are still young enough in the overall scheme of things & could live another 10 - 15 years yet. I think you should think of going away to work now while they are still relatively young - they may need you more in 5 or 10 years time. I understand where you're coming from as it's a concern for me also, but you cant put your life on hold for them and they wouldn't want you to do this.

wexford202

You see everyone does think about things like that from time to time as mot people adore their parents. That is normal.

What you will do if you keep worrying is you will develope an obsession over it and it will drive you mad!

Nobody knows when there time is up. Some o young some go old, some babies don't even make it into the world int he first place. When your time is up it is up and never put your life on hold because of those fears. Go away and enjoy yourself. Never look back and think I should have gone away to America for a few years.

Not many of us do get there in time to hold our loved ones hands when they do go so even if anything ever happened when you were away you could be there as soon as the person in Ireland.

Beruthiel

OP
My parents are the same age, and I dread the day.
But, you cannot live your life like that.
Take the job away if you really want to.

seamus

Your parents would be more upset at the idea that you didn't chase your goals because you were afraid of being abroad when they died.

This probably doesn't help at all, but maybe ask your parents and they'll confirm this. Don't shy away from having the conversation or feel that it's taboo. Your parents have been thinking about their death for probably the last 20 years, and if they have had health problems they've probably come to terms with it. So don't think you're going to upset them by bringing it up - they might surprise you at how upbeat/blasé they are about the whole prospect.

kelle

Hi, OP. I had the same fear as yourself from when I was a teenager. As I got older and had children, I seemed to depend on them more and more - I had a house built beside them and called down to them every day. It was like I was still living with them, they were my best friends.

So when they were both diagnosed with terminal cancer in September 2004 (within 8 days of each other) my whole world came crashing down. I won't go into any details as it's all so upsetting, but within 5 months they were both dead.

I had two small children at the time and they kept me going. Then I had friends I could talk to, plus my wonderful aunts who I could phone any time of the day or night. Also i live in a lovely community and everywhere I went people were sympathising and asking how I was. All of this helped me enormously. As the years have passed, I won't say you get over it but it does make it easier.

Anyway, you're not in that situation thank God! I'll just say while you have that fear, so too do many others but thank goodness people of your parents generation appear to be a much stronger generation and will be more likely to live to 100! Mine were unlucky.

twanda

Op, I know how you feel. I moved away from Ireland a year ago. My parents are in their mid 60s. I know they miss me loads and the feeling is mutual. The thought of something happening to one of them while I am here often enters my head, and yes sometimes it makes me feel like I want to get on the next plane home. But then I remember how my mother often mentions that she is happy I am 'doing my own thing while I am young' etc. I know that they wouldn't like me moving home because of them. At the end of the day, your parents just want you to be happy, and if that means taking that job, then go for it.:)

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

OP here. Thanks a million for all the advice. It really makes a lot of sense. I will definitely go ahead with the move next year. I have to live my life after all and I know my parents would want nothing less for me. I feel a lot more relaxed about it now.

LegacyUser

im the same. dread the thought of anything happening to them. got worse lately. it seems to be worse when i feeel **** myself. its prob best to talk to them about it as they can give one reassurance or some such!

,mnb

I think about this a lot. I think its natural once they reach 70 that you think it.
I often think I should be using the time to the best effect while theyre here but then I realise that just being around them doing really normal stuff is what Ill really miss.

Eve_Dublin

Yeah OP, like others here have said, I'm dreading the day my dad passes away. My mother died when I was 11 and I suppose that makes it all very real for me...that is a fact of life and that it's inevitable. I'm the same age as yourself and my dad is in his early 70s and is not in good shape (smokes, emphysema, angina, asthma, overweight) and we have terrible genes on both sides. Most of his family died from cancer etc etc. I'm moving away from Ireland in a few days and my dad has made comments like, "I'll come visit you....if I'm still alive", "Hopefully I'll still be around by Christmas" a few times in the past week (Hardy har har Dad ). My family all have a pretty dark sense of humour, we tend to cope with things by laughing at them and I know he's half joking....but it's also quite likely I might get that phone call while I'm away. I look at him and I start to feel upset because like yourself, I love him to bits.

I've been going out of my way to spend time with him recently and chat to him properly when I get a chance and just let him know I love him (although he's a typical Irish dad and feels uncomfortable with that). Your parents would want you to be happy and you can't let your parent's unknown date of passing get in the way of your own life. They could live 'till they're 110 for all you know and you'll be still waiting around. This is something everyone has to deal with and your right, it's a really tough inevitability to have to deal with but honestly, it's not worth thinking about until it happens (easier said than done, I know). Just let your parents know how much you love them while you still have them (I'm sure you do already).

Matamoros

My Mam died during the week and was buried yesterday, I am home alone now for the first time since she passed away just reading about grief and bereavement etc. in an effort to find out how I might cope in the near future. She was a similar age to your parents but I am a bit older than you and also I am one of six kids who love and support each other brilliantly, we are lucky.

My advice to you is to practice milking all of the value that you can out of life in general and especially with your parents who you clearly love so much. I made a point years ago of paying as much attention to really getting to know my Mam as a person not just as a care giver to me and my siblings. After that day, many of my times were spent in her kitchen having tea and a chat were probably the closest that I have gotten to a spiritual experience being an ardent atheist. Honour your Parents with your behaviour in life, go the extra mile for them, even when you are knackered and they might be annoying you with their barmy old school values, give your Mam flowers even if she hates them and tell her how much that you love her in the quiet moments when your are alone together, I did all of that and more and at least now that she is gone, I know that she knew that she was loved, no doubt exists about that for me, can all of us say that about our nearest and dearest?

I felt that my Mam was slowing down over the last year or two and really must have known that the end was coming and was content enough when we told her on her deathbed that we loved her and if she wanted to go that she should, she did. As we get older, surely we start to think about our own mortality, people over sixty years of age go to a lot more funerals than 21st's and our bodies just can't do what they used to, surely there is a feeling of decline, it is my hope that we can come to terms with that reality and accept our death calmly and happily with no regrets.

In posting your concerns you have helped me with my own loss. Good luck in the future however it turns out.

renraw

I remember when I was younger, that was one of my greatest fears, terrified that my parents were going to die. My Dad died a couple of years ago from cancer and to be honest, I was a lot stronger than I thought I would be. All of these mad thoughts used to cross my head, What if and inevitably when, this was going to happen.

Broke my heart to watch him die, so i understand what you're saying OP and trust me, you'll be surprised at how you will react when it happens. one thing though, you can't allow the thoughts stop you from moving on with your life. Your parents could live till they're 90 and thats what you need to remember. Don't put of plans or changes "because".

I always told my dad I loved him, and every time I go home or when i'm on the phone to my mam I'll always tell her I love her. No parent wants to see their child stand back from moving on with their lives. Don't worry about what in effect may not happen for a long time yet.