Ex Problems

Boolana

Hi,

Not sure if this should be in Relationships or Personal Issues so hopefully I am in the right place.

Early last year I ended a relationship of 3 years as we were both completely unhappy. My ex would more than likely never have ended it, even though he was miserable too. There has been little contact between then and now apart from occasional texts.

He has recently been in touch a lot - if my phone is not with me I can return to find several missed calls and often some not very nice texts messages saying that I am avoiding him, etc.

He has been suffering from depression and there is also a history of mental illness in his family. He has had a number of bereavements in the last 7 or 8 years (the last one was nearly 3 years ago) and I am not surprised he is feeling so depressed considering his family circumstances. I know after one of the bereavements he attempted to take his own life. He has been attending a counsellor and taking medication prescribed by his doctor. He is saying nothing works but when I quizzed him it seems he is taking the tablets sporadically.

He is now in contact several times a week insisting to meet up (I have not yet) and when I say I cannot asking can I call him? I have no idea what to say to him. He has made me promise not to tell his family. I have spoken to him once since all this has blown up and all he kept saying was "it doesn't work so I don't want to hear other options as none of them work"

I am at my wits end. I feel responsible for him as I know his mental state. I do not want to be in the middle of this as we are not a couple any longer. I don't believe I can help him.

Can I get some advice/opinions from people as to how they would handle this situation please?

Thanks.

Kevster

Hi,

If you genuinely wish to get away from this guy, then change your cell-phone number. You have no time for him anymore and you aren't helping him by relying to his messages/calls. That's another thing: For the time being, don't even read any of his messages - just delete them straight-away. If he is indeed a bit depressed, then he might not have the mental control to back away himself, and so you must help him indirectly by 'erasing' him from your life.

Kevin

Agent J

You are not responable for his mental state or behaviour.
If you take only one piece of anything anyone says let it be that.

I assume there are no loose ends to have to tie up but i would let him know that you intend to cut contact for your own benifit. Speaking from both sides of it i think it should be best practice but it is up to you. Either that or you let him figure it out and you worry about when he figures it out.

However he reacts is his own problem, you are only trying to do what is best for you and if he really cared about you then eventually he should understand that.

Truth of the matter is that if you have done your best and honestly feel you can be of no further use and more importantly it is hurting you then you really have to take care of yourself first.

Good luck.

Miss Fluff

You poor thing, what a terrible situation to be in.

Can I just put a disclaimer at the start here and if he does decide to do something stupid then it is NOT YOUR FAULT. The poor guy is mentally ill unfortunately and you just happen to be part of his life. I feel sorry for both of you actually.

I should think that after three years you formed a bond/friendship with some of his family members or close friends. You need to turn to one of them now. While he is no longer your responsibility, I can understand your concern and it would be no harm to alert someone who lives with him/is close to him that he is only taking his meds sporadically.

Like I said, if he does decide to try to kill himself then it is not your fault. By the same token, if you feel that you can help him get out of this black hole in some way then by all means you should OP. Just don't shoulder this alone. And don't meet up with him/make any promises that will give him false hope/make you feel beholden.

A friend of mine committed suicide on his second attempt years ago on a day I was going to call around and see him and didn't. In my own egocentric/foolish way for ages afterwards I thought maybe that would not have been the case had I went to see him. And no, it probably would not have. Unfortunately those poor souls suffering from mental illness and are in the depths will kill themselves regardless. However, threats should always be listened to in my opinion as sometimes they are that cry for help. Do not under any circumstances shoulder it alone though, you need to share this with someone who is close to him who will be in a position to help.

Let us know how you get on

Boolana

Thanks to all who have replied. Since I posted this yesterday there have been continuous missed calls and texts. He aparently contemplated killing himself a few weeks ago and yet I am not to tell anyone.

I thought about this last night and I will contact a close relation of his. Nobody in his family knows he is on anti-depressants. I think this is a promise I have to break even if purely on a selfish level as I am going mad thinking about it.

I am worried about him but I am running on empty myself. My mum is in long term care following strokes, my dad live alone and has dimentia so I am constantly on the road between them. He knows this, but I understand that part of this illness is not seeing other stuff as I was that soldier myself a few years ago.

I will let ye know how it goes. Thanks very much for the responses

shellyboo

Tell his family and walk away. He's not your responsibility anymore.