Comments on Your Appearance

Miss Lockhart

Ok, I did a search but couldn’t find a similar thread, so I’ll start a new one to get a few opinions.

I have had a few experiences of students commenting on my appearance – both good and bad. This could include anything from my hair to my clothes/shoes to my body shape. I have also been asked if I am pregnant more than once in the middle of a class – I’m a size 10-12 and while I’m not toned, I’m not unusually flabby either – just “average”. I’m also not the only teacher in the school this happens to.

How do you deal with these comments if/when they occur? Does it depend on the class/student(s) involved? I am not upset by the comments – tbh, I couldn’t care less what my students think of my appearance and am happy so long I am dressed in a decent and presentable fashion, which I always am. I just don’t want any comments about my appearance at all – I don’t feel it’s appropriate – and would appreciate tips on how best to discourage it and deal with it when it happens.

In case it makes any difference - I teach in a DEIS school and my students might be considered a little “cheeky” and “forward” by some, although generally I love them. Basically, many of them will say anything.

Any advice much appreciated.

gaeilgebeo

Hi, I would have a similar experience but in a more positive way. Students (girls mostly), would say yhings like "Miss where did you get your shoes,they're lovely" , "Miss , I love your top" etc...... I would usually answer at the end of class and dont mind doing this as it creates a good rapport with the students when they can relate to you.

Having said all that, I find some of the comments you've had are highley inappropriate! Deis school or not. I would view them as serious breaches of discipline. You have to have certain boundries and need to draw the line at very personal comments. I too work in a deis school and would teach students who would be considered "tough", however, I can be sure they would never cross a certain line in their comments as I have earned their respect.

My advice would be to make an example out of the first student who says something highly appropriate in september. Treat it as something serious. If the students know the boundries , they hopefully wont make such comments again. I personally would be horrified. Best of luck

gaeilgegrinds

I wanted to post this before and could not think of an appropriate way to say this without coming across as big headed. I'm just ordinary looking in my eyes but won a competition my ex entered me into and got a lot of work from that based on my appearance, I work a lot on tv and shows too. I've had some hugely unsavoury comments from students. As in crude ones. As such I now dress unbelievably doudy for my age, my own mother questions what I wear. And it has stopped. In fairness the other teachers even laugh about it now but at first I'd say they really questioned my huge lack of style. It's sad it's necessary but it is as far as I'm concerned.
So basically dress badly!

Miss Lockhart

Thanks for the input gaeilgebeo.

Most of the comments I get would also be positive, and be along the lines of what you described. I also don't mind a bit of banter about my clothes at the end of class, or whatever. Unfortunately, I think perhaps that this may give certain people the idea they also have the right to make negative comments if they don't like something.

The two students who have asked if I am pregnant are both students I have a good relationship with. They are always pleasant and work hard - don't cause me any (other) trouble. I feel I have earned their respect - I don't think that is the problem. Unfortunately, they just don't see a problem with asking such a question outright - they don't see it as disrespectul. One in particular apologised after class as she thought she had caused offence, but she just "wanted to know".

gaeilgegrinds

They'll have great fun with me so considering the condition I'm going back to them in. One of the other teachers commented before that the kids know we're pregnant before we do! I'm not showing yet but just wonder who'll be the first to comment!

Toto Wolfcastle

Very often kids don't think anything of asking personal question, including questions about your appearance. I firmly believe that how we react to such things is hugely important. Students need to be taught what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. I disagree with gaeilgegrinds in that I do not believe that changing the way you dress is the answer. This may stop the kids making comments to you, but they do not learn that their behaviour was not acceptable and will think nothing of making such comments again to other teachers.

I haven't really received any bad comments so far from students. Once I had a load of them asking me if my shoes were so I could be seen in the fog, but I just laughed that off. (I was wearing bright green, orange and pink converse as I was going on a trip with the students later.) One 5th year named my dress 'the tet-dress' because it reminded him of Tetris. One student told me that I'm a 'good looking woman and that I should get out more', but I made sure that he knew it was unacceptable. (They are convinced that I never go out drinking because I never talk to them about it.) Mainly the girls just tell me they like my clothes.

I would never change how I dress or how I look to stop comments. That's what the discipline system is in place for. I would go through the different steps and go as far as the VP if needs be.

I would do the same if a child cursed in class because again, I believe that part of my job is to ensure that each child knows what is acceptable in the 'real world'.

Hopefully those who are on the receiving end of these comments have a good support system in their schools and are able to get it under control.

spurious

I teach in a DEIS school too. I wouldn't put up with any sort of personal remark and God knows if they wanted to, there's a multitude I could attract.

It's a school discipline issue.

It might be acceptable at home (and they don't lick it off the stones) for people to pass remarks at strangers in the street regarding their attire, weight, hair, skin colour, whatever. The kids need to be taught this is not acceptable, and 'Janey, I'm only saying!!!' does not cut it as an apology.

If it requires having a class on how you feel if someone makes remarks about you, so be it. All this sort of stuff should have been done at home by the time they were 8 or so, but it isn't always, so we have to do it, if only to avoid embarrassing and job-losing situations in the real world for the kids we teach.

Most of the time I don't really care whether they know a crannog from a castle, but they need to learn the 'rules' the rest of world plays by, like those rules or not. In the end they are really what count.

gaeilgegrinds

Trust me that was a last resort, I've stopped wearing make-up, only the bare minimum and cover up almost completely. The powers that be were not interested in helping so I decided there was no other way. I tried speaking to them but genuinely I think this is the only way. I know they don't lick it off the stones, love that phrase, but assuch I find such behaviour very difficult to change. Particularly when there is no support from higher up.

byhookorbycrook

Some children think they are creating a good relationship with these comments, I usually say" we're not here to discuss my hair ,we have more important things to do."
This doesn't "slap the child down" and at the same time lets them know it isn't a way for them to try to "curry favour."

Miss Lockhart

Thanks everyone - it's great to hear some opinions.

Spurious - when you say you wouldn't put up with any sort of a personal remark, would that include positive ones?

I'm just wondering, because I feel this is part of my problem. Like I said above, I think certain people think if "good" comments are appropriate, so are bad ones - so maybe I need to put a stop to all comments. On the other hand, like gaeilgebeo said, it can be a nice way to relate to your students and I like that.

janeybabe - I have no intention of changing how I look or dress - I don't dress "inappropriately", so I shouldn't have to. I would also laugh off any silly comments like the ones you describe - I'm certainly not upset by them and don't react like I am.

Gaeilgegrinds - That's awful that you have felt compelled to change your dress style. For me it's not really a problem of "crude" or "inappropriate" comments in that sense - I have gotten some of those but I have always used the school discipline policy to deal with them as there is no question that they are not acceptable.

byhookorbycrook - that is usually how I deal with the issue when it arises. However, although it might end the comments at the time I don't think it discourages it from happening again.

My school has a good discipline policy and teacher support. However, teachers would obviously be encouraged to at least try dealing with the problem themselves first, before involving other sanctions.

Most of my colleagues would not mind a bit of (positive) chat about their appearance with the students, and I think they just laugh off or ignore the negative. Of course, if I told my VP I was actually upset about anything she wouldn't hesitate to deal with it - but I'm hesitant to do this as I'm not actually upset, I just want to put a stop to it.

If I give a note in the journal about "commenting on the teacher's appearance" it would probably be seen as OTT by some. Also, regarding the pregnancy comments, I think the VP would just have a chat with the students to make sure they realised this was inappropriate, which wouldn't necessarily deter any other students from making similarly inappropriate comments in the future - and anyway, I already had that chat with the people concerned and I don't think they would do it again.

I guess it is just a problem of some of them not learning "the rules" of normal etiquette at home.

Toto Wolfcastle

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

janeybabe - I have no intention of changing how I look or dress - I don't dress "inappropriately", so I shouldn't have to. I would also laugh off any silly comments like the ones you describe - I'm certainly not upset by them and don't react like I am.

Good, and that's the way it should be.

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

My school has a good discipline policy and teacher support. However, teachers would obviously be encouraged to at least try dealing with the problem themselves first, before involving other sanctions.

So just make sure that the students are aware of the discipline system. Start with the first step (usually a verbal warning) and work your way up through the steps. Consistency, as always, is key.

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

If I give a note in the journal about "commenting on the teacher's appearance" it would probably be seen as OTT by some.

It's not really OTT though, is it? If you worked in an office and people were making inappropriate comments about your appearance would it be ok? No. Teaching is your job. No one should have to put up with personal comments while they try to do their job. You want to put a stop to the comments. They are unacceptable. Treat them as you treat other disciplinary matters. If a note in the journal is needed, then it's needed.

spurious

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

Spurious - when you say you wouldn't put up with any sort of a personal remark, would that include positive ones?

I would include positive ones too, yes, if they happened in the classroom. Class is just not the time or place. A remark at lunchtime, or in the school grounds about nice shoes or 'Where did you get your top?' is harmless enough. I wouldn't have an issue with that.

In our school, being called 'Ya fat specky cnut' (or similar) in the street during the summer holidays would be treated as seriously on the return as if it happened in the classroom, as one gentleman learned to his regret a few years ago. In general we don't have an issue with it in the school though as it doesn't fit into our 'everyone in the building deserves to be treated with respect' policy.

rainbowtrout

I don't tolerate any sort of personal comments in class. Positive or negative. I know the reasoning some people have given here about positive comments and rapport with students but I feel that if students are given the green light to pass comment on your clothes, hair, weight etc in a positive way, they then see it as ok to pass comment on you and they can then make negative comments which are much harder to deal with.

It's easy to deal with a 'You've got nice shoes/bag/haircut' comment, smile and say thank you, but what happens the day that student comes in and goes 'State of you' (phrase of choice in roscommon). It's humiliating for the teacher and you've given them licence to do it. My classes don't pass any comments of any type now, I nip it in the bud early on with new classes if anyone passes any comment positive or negative. I would see it as a discipline issue if it was continuous.

I had short spiky hair for years and I started growing it last year, it wasn't noticeable before the summer but when I came back I could tie it back and there were a few comments the first couple of days but that was the end of it. Similar to coming back obviously pregnant.

Actually because I live in the town I teach in, I meet students around the town a lot. I got a dog last year and a few of them spotted me walking her in the evenings. So they are all on 'Milly' watch now and are a bit obsessed with trying to catch a glimpse of her and ask questions about her all the time... which I have to fob off regularly. It was almost competitive to see who has the most sightings among my fifth year class. At least it stops the questions about my appearance :pac:

gaeilgebeo

Think it all boils down to your own classroom managment and discipline.

freire

gaeilgebeo wrote: »

Think it all boils down to your own classroom managment and discipline.

Agreed.

It occasionally happens to male teachers too!

I generally only need to administer THE LOOK, and that's the end of that.

implausible

I find that there are usually two reasons why students do this:

1. They are trying to get a reaction from you

if so, you reacting is what they want! A good talking-to and detention should stop it.

2. They don't know any better

if this is the case, a 'quiet word' after class or later on should do the trick, explaining that it's not appropriate and that you're sure s/he wasn't trying to offend you (giving him/her a chance).

Sometimes, some selective hearing has to come into play. I've overheard myself being referred to in less than flattering terms on several occasions and either ignoring it or saying 'sorry, I didn't catch that, did you say something to me?' or 'I'm sure you weren't saying anything about me, but what did you say?' does the trick. 99 times out of 100, the kid isn't going to walk himself into a major punishment by repeating it.

(Biggest exception being the stupid b**t*rd who called me 'a f**king retard' one day. He's now pursuing his educational path elsewhere...)