Doormat

Lady Muck

I guess you know the score by the title but I need some advice on this.

I am sick of being too nice.

I get walked over at work, I am covering jobs at the moment and people are dumping so much crap on me and talking to me like I am nothing and it is all because I am too soft. One woman today deserved a slap she was so rude, even another colleague who was passing said does she always talk to you like that? Well yeah she does, she is a nasty piece of work anyway but I need to stand up to her, and everyone else.

Work is the main problem, I have no problem airing my views at home but when I come to work, I am a stupid little mouse and things have to change because I otherwise like my job but it is making me want to leave and it isn't fair.

How can I be brave enough to stand up for myself? The damage has been done anyway but I need to turn it round. I have been here a year and am 28.

Please help.

Oh The Humanity

Its hard and it won't happen overnight. Don't expect it to be painless and instant.

You are the one who can change it. Start small by learning how to say no to small things and work your way up. It takes practice and as I say it will be uncomfortable, but you have no choice, its either continue like this or learn the life skills you need to know to stop this happening.

Why not go to an assertiveness training class. You can learn how to say no without feeling something bad will happen. You can stop yourself being controlled by inappropriate guilt.

Its important that you look into the reasons you behave this way. If you are afraid people wont like you if you say no, then you need to train yourself to understand thats ok and part of life that not everyone will like you. So what.

You need to deal with the fact not everyone will like you. Although, strangely enough once you learn this and stop caring so much and begin saying no to stuff, you notice people actually like and respect you more.

You have to toughen up as well, not become nasty but develop your voice until you are respected when you speak.

Best of luck!

Lady Muck

What brilliant advice, thank you so much. It isn't that I am worried I won't be liked, I just don't want to be seen as unhelpful but then again, I am seen as an idiot at the moment.

I said to my colleague before I need to change, I would sooner be called a nasty bitch behind my back than have them take the piss.

It is that first step isn't it that is hard?

Honestly, I don't know where to begin I have so many little bits everywhere, why can't they appreciate I am on my own at the moment? It makes me feel incompetent too.

It is the nasty woman that is the main problem, not many people like her but I unfortunately have to work closely with her. She will force me out, she did it to the last secretary, she used to go home in tears, that is a woman in her 40's.

I won't let her do that to me. I have to do this. :(

Nevyn

You need to learn how to confront her constructively.
Be firm and stare her down if needs be and be clear with her that her behaviour is not acceptable and that if she persists in being unprofessional you will make a formal complaint, if you can do it with someone else in ear shot as a witness.

Lady Muck

That sounds like a good idea, she is a bully. One woman knocked her down a peg once and she hasn't spoken to her since.

For me though, I basically work for her, she isn't my boss although she likes to think she is. This woman is well over retirement age so it will be hard talking to someone firmly of that age. She thinks she owns the place, I am so angry even writing this!

I am scared because I am one to let things stew then I will explode.

What kind of responses should I provide if people or her say why isn't this done, you haven't done this right etc etc?

ManOfMystery

I had a similar issue a few years back. Wasn't so much that I was timid, more that I tried to be too nice/helpful in work and a lot of people abused that. One day a Director was very rude to me in front of his entire department and that left me very annoyed for a while. I too found it hard to say No to people.

I did a lot of internet searching on assertiveness and standing up for yourself and some of the advice was very useful. Now if someone oversteps the mark, I simply tell them no and make my position clear. I'm always polite and friendly but I no longer allow people to abuse my position. I see other staff saying 'No' all the time and it doesn't make them cheeky/unapproachable/etc, so why should I have any issue doing it?

Regarding that woman who was rude to you, I agree with the advise posted above : simply tell her if she continues to be unprofessional in her manner and dialect towards you, you will lodge a formal complaint. You can pick your friends but you can't pick who you work with unfortunately; however, that does not mean that you have to put up with taking crap from anyone.

Good luck

Lady Muck

My other problem is prioritising, obviously everyone thinks their own requests should be top of the list but I do what I feel is more important then I get the whingers coming over cos theirs isn't done.

DO IT YOURSELVES THEN! ARGGGHHH! :mad::mad::mad::mad:

Feel better now!

Good idea about the research, and the courses.

PS. regarding the woman, I so wish I'd have answered back, especially when my friend was there listening to it all. If only I could have turned back time! She was accusing me of not doing something yesterday when I was 100% that I did. She said if this hasn't been done and blah blah hasn't seen it, then you are in trouble. Words to that effect. Putting unnecessary pressure on me, I know I did it, she wants to make me look stupid.

Next time I will simply say, don't talk to me like that. I will pretend I am talking to my (much uglier and repulsive) boyfriend!

Oh The Humanity

Lady Muck wrote: »

My other problem is prioritising, obviously everyone thinks their own requests should be top of the list but I do what I feel is more important then I get the whingers coming over cos theirs isn't done.

DO IT YOURSELVES THEN! ARGGGHHH! :mad::mad::mad::mad:

Feel better now!

Good idea about the research, and the courses.

Just a further quick note on the whingers coming to your desk on an Ad-Hoc basis, you need to stop that....how are you supposed to get anything done with them hassling you...

Perhaps speak to your supervisor and organise a system (Take a ticket!!!) and then make it policy that you will not give updates on an ad-hoc basis to people coming directly to your desk. Arrange service level agreements for different tasks...24 hours for this....48 hours for that and don't entertain spontaneous 'urgent' requests all the time or people will view this as the norm.

Communicate with your supervisor what is happening and get them onside!!!

LegacyUser

yep, learn how to say "no". And that can be done overnight

"Can you do this for me?"
"No"
"Why not?
"I'm too busy"
"but it needs to be done"
"I'm sure it does but as I said, I am too busy as I have my own work to do"
And don't say "sorry"

I always like regaining a bit of control by pretending not to hear the other person. If they have approached my desk and I know they are there, I don't hear them the first time. It can drive them nuts.

I can't abide rude people. They turn a happy work environment sour.

Practice it.... it comes naturally to some people, other people just need to practice being more assertive.

KevR

Lady Muck wrote: »

PS. regarding the woman, I so wish I'd have answered back, especially when my friend was there listening to it all. If only I could have turned back time! She was accusing me of not doing something yesterday when I was 100% that I did. She said if this hasn't been done and blah blah hasn't seen it, then you are in trouble. Words to that effect. Putting unnecessary pressure on me, I know I did it, she wants to make me look stupid.

Next time I will simply say, don't talk to me like that. I will pretend I am talking to my (much uglier and repulsive) boyfriend!

In that situation I would stop her (we'll call her Biddy) in her tracks/cut across her in mid sentence:
Biddy: if this hasn't been done and blah blah hasn't seen it, then you are in trouble.
Lady Muck: Sorry Biddy, but can I just stop you there please. I'm not in any trouble because I did do the work and if blah blah blah hasn't seen it then I am sorry to say but that is entirely their problem and not mine.

Lady Muck

I need to relax more about this, I like those suggestions by the way. Will try it out and that should shock her into shutting TFUP.

I need to place more importance on myself, I act as if I am not worth much so that is how people are treating me. I am a hard working (except when on here :P), intelligent girl. She is a dyslexic biddy! (Like the name!) lol - she also looks like she could have previously been a man.

LegacyUser

If you are getting loads of people coming to you asking for work to be done, why dont you assign a specific period of time each day for them to come to you for requests & progress reports on what's happening? Explain that you cant get things done if you are constantly being interrupted so between e.g. 2pm & 3pm you will deal with them. Even if they e-mail you at other times, dont read the mails until this time. I had to do this in the past & found it worked a treat.

In relation to the older woman, remain very calm when talking to her but be firm and let her know that you wont take any cr*p from her, without resorting to anger.

Lady Muck

So far I haven't managed to bite to her comments and I think it may annoy her which is why she is upping her game. If she was around my age, it might have been a bit easier to throw a bit of my mind her way but this will be hard, my mum always told me to respect my elders! lol

I feel sorry for her poor husband, in fact I am shocked she even has one!

I need to stop putting pressure on myself. If someone does approach me I will tell them to join the queue.

I don't mind doing work for those in an authoritive position obviously, they come first and foremost, it is the ones who think they are authoritive that get my back up!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

many people have a fear of confrontation, I was a doormat when i was in my family and then i went out into the world and i had a fear of confrontation because i was not used to respecting myself because i didnt get it growing up. All through my 20's i learnt how to confront any situation i needed to, I was so anxious having to do it but once i did i was fine. here is a saying i used..... I can withstand my discomfort for the sake of becoming my own person,

That meant that in the difficult moments it was worth expressing how i was feeling for afterwards i would ultimately feel better about myself, its you you get angry with when you dont stick up for your rights.

It can have bad after effects, Im my family i became more independant and expressive and had more self respect, they wanted the old doormat me, and when my role changed i got a bad back lash from it, My family became very angry with me, Just be aware that people may get angry with you too, and be ready for their anger which you should not take on at all!

A book i found very useful for confrontation was called ' Toxic Parents' by Susan Foreward, in the back of the book it runs through roll play with parent and child scenarios, and it teaches you non defensive responses, so when the other person gets angry with you, you say I can see your angry right now, maybe we could have this conversation another time, things like that,

I found from this book that after i had confronted my mother for the first time in my life that it was easier to confront anyone else in the rest of my life, because if i could do it with her who had been very abusive toward me i knew i could do it with anyone.


G'luck!

Also it is good to have a friend or partners support when going through something like this to share your experience and feel supported.

Lady Muck

I can't say how grateful I am for all this support and advice, it is good that others can relate to how I am feeling and it is definately right that I regret being soft over regretting putting my thoughts forward.

You know what, I cried last night over her - all it was that set me off was me and my boyfriend went to the supermarket and he said god look at the state of your parking and I started to cry ( ), mainly because I was being put down by her and already emotional then that set me off. At the supermarket too, the shame!

Anyway, I feel stronger today, if she carries on as she did she will get a piece of my mind. I may even pull her on what she did yesterday and say excuse me, I don't appreciate the way you spoke to me yesterday, I am not a child and don't appreciate being spoken to like I am a piece of crap.

LegacyUser

Make sure you do this in an assertive but non confrontational way. Sometimes it's hard to do this when you're only trying to assert yourself so just work out what you're going to say before you approach her.