Problem with people looking at me

LegacyUser

Im paranoid people are always looking at me, because im sooo 'gorgeous' Ive it in my head that guys are looking at me because im so irresistable. I could be walking down the street and il be looking to see who is looking at me. It's pathetic. Yeah im not ugly but im no supermodel either. I like attention but yet at the same time i hate talking in groups and am shy talking to new people. What is wrong with me? Am in insecure? Its driving me mad? I can never relax and be myself - im always preoccupied with others and how they see and judge me. Any advice as im so annoyed over it

legend365

Pics or GTFO...



Or fall in love so you wont car about other guys.

Zaph

legend365 wrote: »

Pics or GTFO...

This isn't AH. Take a week off and read the charter carefully when you come back.

Xephon

Hi Op,
I'm going to go out on a whim here and presume you must be young?

There will always be guys looking or throwing an eye over at a girl with a pretty face, it’s just our nature.
If you happen to catch on it too often, you just really need to learn to take it yourself as a compliment, think nothing more and move on.
The only person judging you is yourself when you see someone looking at you.

Teach yourself to stop over thinking it, or it will eventually lead to real insecurities, instead focus on yourself and what you think about you first.
That’s what really matters, and when you are comfortable with yourself and who you are, then you'll find all these insecurities with groups and people will disappear.

claiva

Hi Op,
I have to agree with the previous poster. I'm a guy and myself and my mate were just saying the other day that when we are out for lunch or whatever, we both check out ALL the girls that pass us by. Blokes just do that.
Its not even a concious thing. We just instinctively look at attractive girls.
I don't see it as pervy or anything. Its just normal hetero behaviour.
Also, one thing to consider, blokes are really crap at checking out girls inconspicuously. Girls are way better at doing it without being obvious about it.

Just be thankful that you are one of the girls that gets checked out.

I think it was Oscar Wilde that said - "its terrible to be talked about, but worse to NOT be talked about"....or something to that effect.

LegacyUser

Can you say a little more OP ? I have two different diametrically opposed answers in my head but I don't feel like you've said enough for me to know which one to give. Roughly what age are you - i.e. still in teens or older ?

LegacyUser

hi

thanks for replies, the thing is im not a teenager, im 26!! I just feel like im constantly worrying about my appearance and stuff like that, I am alot better than when i was younger. Its just frustrating I seem to be more concerned about how people see me all the time and i see other people and they don't really care, they are just doing thier own thing. I suppose I just need to be more confident and happy with myself and il be ok. thanks for replies all

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Can you say a little more OP ? I have two different diametrically opposed answers in my head but I don't feel like you've said enough for me to know which one to give. Roughly what age are you - i.e. still in teens or older ?

give me your opinion?

LegacyUser

It sounds like a self esteem thing OP.

To be honest, I completely understand where you are coming from - I'm a 24 year old, female, and get a bit paranoid, insecure..I don't know what to call it, and can sometimes feel a bit 'victimised' for want of a better word, when I see guys looking at me. It's the feeling that I am being judged solely on my looks, my body etc that unsettles me, as it's only one aspect of me and I don't like the idea that someone is deciding on my value based on how I look.
But then I remember - we all do it, I'm certainly guilty of checking out both guys and girls (guys on their sexual appeal and girls as 'competition') and it's just human nature to do so.
I suggest you work on building your confidence in yourself - get physically active if you're not already. It sounds silly but a self defence class might be a good idea - I found it made me feel less 'helpless' in these situations.

Porkpie

OP I'd agree with the previous posts and just like to quickly add - just think of how many people viewing this thread are wishing they had your problem!

LegacyUser

op here - but the thing is in NOT that good looking, yeah im ok but im not a model. But sometimes in my head i think i am! Like im walking down the street and i think people are looking at me because im so good looking! Its pathetic. I was at a match once and after it was walking through a group of guys outside the pub, they were shouting and singing etc, totally drunk, i was walking up and dreading it as i had to pass them. sure enough one tried to grab my hand as i passed and i cant remember what he said - i was with my dad and so mortified. Like if it was anyone else they would have laughed it off but not me, i just got embarrassed! went bright red and looked at if i might cry! Im sure it's confidence issues i have, as well as alot more

Xephon

Unregistered wrote: »

op here - but the thing is in NOT that good looking, yeah im ok but im not a model. But sometimes in my head i think i am! Like im walking down the street and i think people are looking at me because im so good looking! Its pathetic. I was at a match once and after it was walking through a group of guys outside the pub, they were shouting and singing etc, totally drunk, i was walking up and dreading it as i had to pass them. sure enough one tried to grab my hand as i passed and i cant remember what he said - i was with my dad and so mortified. Like if it was anyone else they would have laughed it off but not me, i just got embarrassed! went bright red and looked at if i might cry! Im sure it's confidence issues i have, as well as alot more

Well it sounds very much like a problem with your confidence, one moment you feel like the hottest girl on the street, the next you feel like your not that good looking, and it appears to be strongly related to the attention you get from people looking at you.

I used to feel that way alot when i was younger, i'd get a few compliments one day from strangers on my looks and feel like the hottest guy who could pull anything, then go another day without a compliment and feel crap!
And unless i got attention i was never good enough.

So its starting to sound like your own self esteem, in that your not very comfortable in your own shoes.

There's a very basic idea to reconise it in yourself, answer this by yourself..

How do you feel about going to say a coffee shop on you own? getting a table by yourself and having a coffee with a news paper?
Would you be able to and sit comfortably in your own company and read it?
or would you feel to shy and really uncomfortable, that people are judging you all the time?

LegacyUser

op here - im fine going for a coffe on my own. it doesnt bother me. But I couldn't go to church on my own in my local church, I would feel exposed and vulnerable on my own. But i could go where people didnt know me!

Xephon

don't even think i'd be confortable going into a church on my own either, scarey places!

Well you have the confidence to go to public places and feel comfortable, so its less likly to be a self esteem issue, so would stand by what i said in initial post, try not to over think it so much when a guy looks at you and take it as a compliment, there's no real threat involved in it.

If it gets to the point where you can't stand it that much and can't change how you think about these things, i would sugest then having a chat with your gp and see what they say about it.

LegacyUser

op here - so out of curiosity is there anyone else when walking down the street or in a pub are conscious of how they look and think are people looking at me??

jenortega

If you are concerned with people judging you, try Byron Katie's "The Work"! It's great!

Also, Eckhart tolle's books addresses that sort of worrying and thinking.

You could also check out "The Option Institute's" videos on their website or youtube - they are all about realising false beliefs about yourself, why you act certain ways and using new beliefs to help yourself. Just an idea!

xxx

beks101

Unregistered wrote: »

op here - so out of curiosity is there anyone else when walking down the street or in a pub are conscious of how they look and think are people looking at me??

Yeah, course. I'd say most people think about how others perceive them Walking down a street or in a pub, that awareness of others' perception of you may increase - walking down the street, all most people have to go on is your appearance, and in a pub, you're generally wearing your glad rags (OK I speak for myself here!) and your awareness of the opposite sex is heightened.

I think, however, people who are secure within themselves, comfortable in their own skin, and confident about who they are, aren't really going to give it a second thought.

The polar thoughts that you seem to be having - feeling like you're being stared at because you're 'gorgeous' one minute, and then reminding yourself that you're 'not THAT good looking' the next, suggest you are someone who is just not sure about herself, and definitely not somebody confident in her own skin. You don't really know who you are yet, and you're looking outside yourself for validation.

As long as you're doing that, the insecurity and paranoia will continue. Some people will look, stare, do a double take; others will pass you by without so much as a glance...so you'll continue to think you're 'gorgeous' one minute, 'not that goodlooking' the next...see where I'm going here?

It's a vicious circle until you decide to make a concerted effort to work on your self confidence and that only can be done from within. Different things work for different people, but things like exercise, self help books, teasing it out with a counsellor, keeping a diary of your thoughts, taking up a new hobby, travelling etc...can all be of use.

Best of luck x

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

give me your opinion?

Well the reason I asked to to say more was cause my instant reaction was something along the lines of 'get over yourself' but then i saw the other replies and wondered was i being too harsh (particularly if u were a teenager i would be a lot kinder than that. so i figured ask you to say some more which you did and my opinion has changed and i think my initial reaction was too harsh.

Seems like as others are saying you might have a self-esteem issue. You seem to be relatively confident about your looks thou, so is there some other aspect of ur life that you don't feel confident about ?

op here - but the thing is in NOT that good looking, yeah im ok but im not a model. But sometimes in my head i think i am! Like im walking down the street and i think people are looking at me because im so good looking! Its pathetic.'

see this is confusing to me. you know ur probably a bit better than average looks wise. and thats fine, and its fine to know and fine to feel good about (once you don't abuse it!). but where is this 'its pathetic' coming from ? whats pathetic about it ? thinkin u are hot ? thinking people are looking at u because u are good looking ? the fact that u care ? something else ?

one other thing i'm wondering if you feel like sharing. relationships.....they work for you? source of confidence or the opposite ?

parker kent

Unregistered wrote: »

op here - so out of curiosity is there anyone else when walking down the street or in a pub are conscious of how they look and think are people looking at me??

I am nearly always conscious of that. A glance in my direction makes me think that the person is judging me. Of course I only feel this at the time, later if I think about I will realise they were just looking at me. But what you feel is something I can relate to. Often when I spot a girl looking at me in the street, college etc, I think "I'm the man today". However in a pub, I'd think they were being negative about me, almost laughing at me.

I've mentioned this to friends and they don't really understand where I'm coming from. They just say I'm being silly so it's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one!

It's odd too that I put so much emphasis on these glances in that I am very guilty of checking out girls that walk past me. I agree with the guys above that say that they check out ALL girls that walk past. As I was typing this in college I just had a good look at the girl that walked past me!

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

Well the reason I asked to to say more was cause my instant reaction was something along the lines of 'get over yourself' but then i saw the other replies and wondered was i being too harsh (particularly if u were a teenager i would be a lot kinder than that. so i figured ask you to say some more which you did and my opinion has changed and i think my initial reaction was too harsh.

Seems like as others are saying you might have a self-esteem issue. You seem to be relatively confident about your looks thou, so is there some other aspect of ur life that you don't feel confident about ?



see this is confusing to me. you know ur probably a bit better than average looks wise. and thats fine, and its fine to know and fine to feel good about (once you don't abuse it!). but where is this 'its pathetic' coming from ? whats pathetic about it ? thinkin u are hot ? thinking people are looking at u because u are good looking ? the fact that u care ? something else ?

one other thing i'm wondering if you feel like sharing. relationships.....they work for you? source of confidence or the opposite ?

ive only ever had one relationhsip - lasted 3 years. and yeah i suppose i did feel more confident when i was in the relationship. i dont know why i look to other people to make me feel confident, if they give me compliments etc, or if they 'glance' at me i think its cause im hot and that makes me feel good, but at the same time i hate it as i feel they are looking at me and judging me, and if i do something stupid they will not like me anymore! i know part of it has to do with how i was brought up, trying to do things right and get attention where it lacked, and i got help for that. I guess i have good days and bad days. a bad day would be if im wearing old clothes and no make up, id feel crap and that people are better than me. but if im 'done up' its like a barrier and i feel more confident and secure. like im not showing the 'real' me.

opinion guy

Unregistered wrote: »

ive only ever had one relationhsip - lasted 3 years. and yeah i suppose i did feel more confident when i was in the relationship. i dont know why i look to other people to make me feel confident, if they give me compliments etc, or if they 'glance' at me i think its cause im hot and that makes me feel good, but at the same time i hate it as i feel they are looking at me and judging me, and if i do something stupid they will not like me anymore! i know part of it has to do with how i was brought up, trying to do things right and get attention where it lacked, and i got help for that. I guess i have good days and bad days. a bad day would be if im wearing old clothes and no make up, id feel crap and that people are better than me. but if im 'done up' its like a barrier and i feel more confident and secure. like im not showing the 'real' me.

I went and registered myself

Well its ok to feel good when someone checks you out - we all, male or female, need to feel like that sometimes. And we all have good days and bad days.

But how is it you feel they are judging you ? I mean in what sense are they judging you . You realise that it doesn't matter what these people think abuot you don't you ?

i know part of it has to do with how i was brought up, trying to do things right and get attention where it lacked, and i got help for that.

Im sorry I'm not really sure what you mean by this ?

but if im 'done up' its like a barrier and i feel more confident and secure. like im not showing the 'real' me.

thats interesting - is there something about the real you you don't want people to see ?

LegacyUser

judging me as in, i want to make a good impression. i know it shouldnt matter what strangers think of me - but it does. i dont want them to think im stupid or something. i saw a counsellor to help me with confidence and she said its to do with my childhood - but im alot better now from my work with her. but not fully. like ive to go on a work dinner next week and i dont really know anyone and i hate the thought of it - when i walk in everyone at the table will be looking at me! Say i look good, so i feel i have to act perfect too - be confident, funny, smart etc. if i dont i feel as if im letting them down for some strange reason, even though i dont know them. When they see me they might think - hey she's hot. but then if i do or say something stupid they wont like me as much anymore. i know im only human but i always want to be 'perfect'. i just feel more confident if i look good with makeup and nice clothes. maybe i feel the real me is not good enough but then another part thinks yes i am good enough. so basically im a bit mixed up sometimes!

JonathanAnon

Unregistered wrote: »

op here - so out of curiosity is there anyone else when walking down the street or in a pub are conscious of how they look and think are people looking at me??

Let me guess, you are either blonde or dyed blonde, and show a bit of cleavage? i.e. the sort of girl that drunk eeeegits normally throw compliments at. One of the arts of the PUA (as mentioned in the other thread) is to throw out compliments, whether you actually believe them to be true or not. Guys who give you compliments for something that you dont see in the mirror, are trying to get off with you. It's not that hard to work out.

Most people walking past a crowd of strangers feel slightly intimidated, as you know that they are likely to make some comment about you. Particularly a single woman going past a group of men.

LegacyUser

so jonathanon, your basically saying i should get over myself is it?

opinion guy

hey so ok OP.
I always think there are two aspects to these things - theres the logical analytical side and there's the emotional side. Seems like in your logical side you know that you are pretty good looking. But that that doesn't quite line up with your emotional side where you don't feel self-confident, and its confusing you? it also seems like your lack of self-confidence is more to do with your personality than your looks?

Are those things fair to say ?

JonathanAnon

Unregistered wrote: »

so jonathanon, your basically saying i should get over myself is it?

Not really, but are you saying that you get the same attention when you dress down as you do when you dress up? And when you dress up, how do you dress? Short skirts, cleavage showing? For example there is a local girl back in my home place who focuses every outfit on her one asset ... i.e. her cleavage. The girl is not that good looking but will get attention/compliments/chatted up cos of the way she dresses. If the same girl went out without the usual bustier type stuff she squeezes in to (think Amanda Brunker), she would not get the same attention. But by dressing this way she attracts a certain type of guy, who comes out with the same chat up lines, false compliments etc... that guys who want to bed a girl come out with.

Just one important point though. I think if you've been to counselling, it may not be wise to look for better answers or solutions to your problems (from people like me ) on this site. Maybe your problems have nothing to do with your paranoid behavior and more to do with those "issues" as a child. And if that is the case, then maybe you need to see a counsellor for longer until you resolve those "issues".

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

hey so ok OP.
I always think there are two aspects to these things - theres the logical analytical side and there's the emotional side. Seems like in your logical side you know that you are pretty good looking. But that that doesn't quite line up with your emotional side where you don't feel self-confident, and its confusing you? it also seems like your lack of self-confidence is more to do with your personality than your looks?

Are those things fair to say ?

ya im fairly happy with how i look ( no short skirts or cleavage showing and yes my lack of self confidence is to do with my personality. im just think sometimes il say something silly and if im good enough ya know.

LegacyUser

You probably are gorgeous , and people are looking at you , and men are admiring your astounding beauty . Don't let it ruin your life. Get a car with dimmed windows , wear shades,
and get an equally as gorgeous partner to go around with , so that you are achingly unavailable !

Peace.

opinion guy

Unregistered wrote: »

ya im fairly happy with how i look ( no short skirts or cleavage showing and yes my lack of self confidence is to do with my personality. im just think sometimes il say something silly and if im good enough ya know.

hmmm ok. so if you know that its about your personality then why bring the looks up ? What I mean is when you came on to talk about this -why talk about looks at all ? Maybe try to break the association in your head ? Don't get me wrong I have no doubt you are smoking hot, I'm just not sure why you are bringing it up....its only a pity we can't see you

as to the personality. well is there something you don't like about yourself, certain situations you don't like ? Your not giving us very much to go on here. I mean we all say silly things sometimes. I say things sometimes in conversation and moments later i'm asking myself in my head - oh my God did i just say that I sound like such an airhead ? but i just shrug it off. have to be able to laugh at yourself and all As to other people - well there is absolutely no telling whats going on in other peoples heads now is there. for all you know they could be thinking - wow she's pretty and smart too!!

LegacyUser

i don't know exactly what it is i dont like about my personality - i just feel that people are better than me - and i know we should be all equal. If i meet someone thats richer than me for example - i will thiink they are better than me. For example i met this guy once, he was really lovely and rich to go with it, i just had it in my head he was better than me. i guess im materialistic. i brought up the looks thing because - i dont know why really.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

op here - so out of curiosity is there anyone else when walking down the street or in a pub are conscious of how they look and think are people looking at me??

OP i feel that way too i thought i was the only one! I actually get nervous just going to town shopping on my own sometimes because i feel like everyone is looking at me and that i don't look good enough etc even though i know deep down that i can look well. It's definitely a confidence thing and i wish to god i could shake it but i can't! My mum and a quite a few people that know me have said that i am very attractive but i still can't drive it home to myself - it's frustrating! Also the the pub thing i can totally relate to also - i don't like pubs at the best of times anyway but it's like i feel that the only reason i'm there is for the purpose of meeting someone of the opposite sex - which is ridiculous i know- and i just don't feel comfortable in pubs anyway but that's another story!

Hope that helps (even though i didn't give you any advice, just to let you know you are not alone

LegacyUser

I do know what you mean about being conscious of people looking at you, and then when you do get the attention, you actually feel odd about it!! Its a complete inner conflict!!! A total contradiction...

I think you are completely normal, and its just human nature that you want people to look at you, yet when they do, you feel violated!

Its like you want the attention to assure you that you do indeed look good, but you'd rather you didn't dwell so much on it, because it might be perceived as being vain then.

Don't worry we all do it in one way or another...whether its a new car, house, clothes or whatever...we as humans need affirmation that what we are doing or what we own is cool!

But there was something I was told once...
"What other people think of you is none of your business"

I thought it was a good saying.... good luck!

Eve_Dublin

Was thinking about this and might it have something to do with the fact that your looks, to some extent, are out of your control...if your a good-looking girl, you'll get attention regardless of whether you're showing cleavage or not or whether you have blonde hair etc. Might it be a case that you think you're good-looking but you don't feel you have the personality to match it...like people expect something more from you because you've drawn attention yourself because of your physical beauty?? OR could it be the fact that people DON'T expect much from you personality-wise BECAUSE your beautiful....society presumes that a woman has one or the other...brains (and personality) OR beauty....never both. Do you feel pressure to prove them wrong but in turn putting too much pressure on yourself to be someone you aren't?

I dunno, I don't have your problem but I would be considered to be an attractive enough girl. Grand. However, I feel nothing when someone compliments my looks in any way. I really do believe it was a matter of decent genes and it's something I didn't "achieve" from my own doing so I don't feel deserving of the compliment.

Sorry, this post is probably not making sense...what I'm trying to say is maybe you need to realise that how you look and who you are as a person are seperate. Perhaps you're too aware of how look when you talk to others and feel you have to prove yourself in some way because your good-looking and being judged on that alone.

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Was thinking about this and might it have something to do with the fact that your looks, to some extent, are out of your control...if your a good-looking girl, you'll get attention regardless of whether you're showing cleavage or not or whether you have blonde hair etc. Might it be a case that you think you're good-looking but you don't feel you have the personality to match it...like people expect something more from you because you've drawn attention yourself because of your physical beauty?? OR could it be the fact that people DON'T expect much from you personality-wise BECAUSE your beautiful....society presumes that a woman has one or the other...brains (and personality) OR beauty....never both. Do you feel pressure to prove them wrong but in turn putting too much pressure on yourself to be someone you aren't?

I dunno, I don't have your problem but I would be considered to be an attractive enough girl. Grand. However, I feel nothing when someone compliments my looks in any way. I really do believe it was a matter of decent genes and it's something I didn't "achieve" from my own doing so I don't feel deserving of the compliment.

Sorry, this post is probably not making sense...what I'm trying to say is maybe you need to realise that how you look and who you are as a person are seperate. Perhaps you're too aware of how look when you talk to others and feel you have to prove yourself in some way because your good-looking and being judged on that alone.

op here - This is true in a way - i feel if im good looking i have to be 'cool' aswell. awful hard tying to be great all the time!

opinion guy

op here - This is true in a way - i feel if im good looking i have to be 'cool' aswell. awful hard tying to be great all the time!

Well maybe try and forget about how you look. Hey maybe even challenge your boundaries by going out without doing yourself up and just seeing how people react (think of it as a social experiment !!)

kjl

i have a similar problem, but it only affects me when im stoned

Dont worry, they are only checking you out, not planning a rape