Atmosphere at home

LegacyUser

This might seem trivial compared to some issues on here, but there's a horrible atmosphere in our house at the moment. I live with my parents and two younger brothers. I'm 20 (female) and my brothers are 16.

One day, I told my brother something private that I felt he needed to know. He passed it on to someone else. He admitted this to me, and I, quite calmly, told him that he should not have, as I had asked him not to. He started shouting at me, and my dad came in and asked me what I did to him.

I generally am tidy. I genuinely appreciate that my parents are supporting me through college. I'm old enough not to have to be asked to clean up. If there's any mess, I genuinely didn't have time. However, if my room happens to be a bit messy, which is rare, instead of asking me to tidy it, I get lectured about how I am lazy and disrespectful.

One day, I asked what we were having for dinner. I was going to offer to cook. My mother got cross. She thinks I'm obsessed with food, even though I'm nowhere near overweight, and I was actually only offering to help.

I don't smoke and I rarely drink. I come home at reasonable hours. I study very hard and do well (12 hours on a weekend day, including my birthday). Still, my brothers are golden boys who can do no wrong and I'm treated as the opposite.

I'm a very happy person, but when I act so, I'm told to stop being over the top and calm down (even though I'm quite calm). When I help someone, I'm accused of thinking I'm superior. I can't win.

I know I'm not a saint. I'm only human. I've tried discussing the problems, but just get shouted at. I can't move out. Still have quite a few college years left. Anybody experience anything similar?

Jo King

It seems as if all you need to do is keep your room tidy and your mouth closed and you would have no problems.

LegacyUser

I do. The last time I didn't keep tidy I had a very significant exam the next day and was going to clean when the exam was over. I'm actually a bit of a neat freak.

What I told my brother, he really did have good reason to know. I know I was wrong to trust him with the information, but being asked what I did to him was my main issue here.

Also, offering to cook for everyone and being given out to struck me as a bit unfair.

I find it odd that I must bottle up any good mood.

Also, the last time I got ill, my mum actually seemed cross.

I know I'm not perfect. But I'm certainly not treated as I act.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

It is a VERY frustrating time for you now. You are essentially an adult. But you are at home because of modern day life where you are clearly studying for some qualification and are being treated like a child by your parents. It is extremely hard for them to make this transition too. I know from my own experience.

Apart from keeping your head down and realising this difficult time is a product of this strange transition period, I would suggest that you go and talk ot your parents and tell them everything you have told us here. Do it in an adult way, calmly and maturely and tell them how hard it is to cope with - that you are not perfect, but neither is anyone.

Talk to them like an adult and you may find they will treat you more like an adult.

You might be surprised at the result of demonstrating in a very real way how grown up you are now. Parents need to be reminded. Remember that for them, you will ALWAYS by their baby... even when you are 40 !

All the best

LegacyUser

Thanks VaioCruiser. I've tried this, and to no avail. I'm level-headed, but they take this to be me "trying to get a rise out of them, so I appear calm and they look bad"!

I love my parents and brothers. I know that they love me too. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for, really. I've tried most things that are possible. I don't want to bother my friends, even though I know they'd be very supportive.

But it is good to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks again.

d'Oracle

I'd be inclined to susggest you move out.

You don't have to be from miles away to move out for college.
It will be a good learning experience and you would only have to answer to yourself.

I know a girl who had similar problem.
Moving out was basically the best thing for her relationship with her folks.

LegacyUser

d'Oracle wrote: »

I'd be inclined to susggest you move out.

You don't have to be from miles away to move out for college.
It will be a good learning experience and you would only have to answer to yourself.

I know a girl who had similar problem.
Moving out was basically the best thing for her relationship with her folks.

No can do! I have no money. Neither have they. I don't have the time to work. Heck, I don't even have the time to go out during the college year! Would be lovely, but it's just not an option.

Thanks for your concern, though.

At the mo I'm just trying to stay under the radar as much as possible, but now I'm being told I don't spend enough time with them!

LegacyUser

im in pretty much the same predicament too

I know how frustrating it can be,and kind of makes it a drag being in your house,or when your around your family.But the best advice i can give is to not take a mono emotional view(if that makes any sense)

Try to take it one moment at a time around them,be positive,and smile on the inside or you won't be smiling on the outside.

LegacyUser

ok I'm confused. Does this atmosphere somehow relate to what you told your brother or are these seperate things ? It almost seems like you want to tell us more about that but are afraid to

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

ok I'm confused. Does this atmosphere somehow relate to what you told your brother or are these seperate things ? It almost seems like you want to tell us more about that but are afraid to

Seconded.

The more accurate you paint the picture, the better able we are to offer you insight.

newtoboards

Just to pick up on something you said, why don't you have any time to work or go out? Socialising is great fun in college and a good release from everyday stresses. Work will give you a bit of independence and less of a reliance on your parents. You may not be able to move out but you'll be able to go out with friends. I remember being told so many times that a task will expand to fit the time you give it so you could do some time management and make time for other things than study.

Milk & Honey

You are the victim of the Irish national pastime of begrudgery. Your parents are resentful of your successes. They have no money and they see you preparing for a high flying career leaving them behind. If you are the first in your family to go to third level you can expect resentment and misunderstanding.

Xephon

I'm seeing alot of "i'm a very happy person" and "i'm always calm" and "very level headed" in regards to dealing with all of the above situations.

Do you not think this could also be a problem?
You yourself are allowing yourself to be pushed around and taking everything with a pinch of salt, and while taking it that way can work in so many circamstances, showing a strong head is also required for others.
Tbh i'm surprised you've not lashed out and given your parents a piece of your mind already at this stage, even they need to be put in their place.
And as harsh as that may sound, i think in this case its needed.

I certinally wouldn't have gone with the "whatever" attitude if i offered to help with dinner and got a mouth full.

Your an adult now and you deserve to be treated with that respect, so the next time your feel your being mistreated, stand your ground girl!
Show your parents your not a kid.

Oh The Humanity

I recognise this. You are the 'black sheep' of the family.

No matter what you do you will never be right. Damned if you do and damned if you dont.

You are female and the brothers are obviously male. I would hazard a guess that's at the bottom of it.

The black sheep of the family is picked for reasons outside their control and parents often encourage other siblings to pick on them. If they complain they are ridiculed as being an 'over sensitive drama queen/king' or told its all in their imagination and then they are ridiculed some more.

Its a no win situation.

Faith

Why are you studying 12 hours a day? Unless you're doing medicine or something, I can't imagine that being necessary except for exam times. I get the feeling you might be a lot happier if you got out of the house every so often and enjoyed a social life.

I study very hard and do well (12 hours on a weekend day, including my birthday

Heck, I don't even have the time to go out during the college year! Would be lovely, but it's just not an option.

That's not normal or healthy. You need to loosen up and learn to enjoy life a bit! College is hard word, yes, but it's supposed to be fun too. Maybe your parents are getting frustrated because you're always in the house?

I can't offer you any advice about your family, but maybe if you took you head out of the books and got a bit of a social life, you'd be a lot happier and the situation wouldn't bother you so much.

gogglebok

Faith wrote: »

Why are you studying 12 hours a day? Unless you're doing medicine or something, I can't imagine that being necessary except for exam times. I get the feeling you might be a lot happier if you got out of the house every so often and enjoyed a social life.

I have to agree with this, OP. If you're studying twelve hours a day (on your birthday!) and never getting out of the house except to classes, you may mot be as calm and unruffled as you think you are. Overwork makes people tense, and tension communicates itself to those around you.

Your judgement of your situation seems to be that you are always reasonable, while other people shout for no reason and inexplicably tell you to calm down. Is there the tiniest possibility that you are not as easy-going as you think you are?

The money thing is a problem, of course, and you have my sympathy. But it will never be as easy to have free fun as it is while you are at college, and you seem not to be using the opportunity. You also don't mention having friends to hang out with. Do you think it might be time to look outside your family for some company?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies!

I do have friends outside of the family. I see them in college and visit them over the holidays.

As for the study, it is necessary and many of my classmates work just as much, some even more. I absolutely love my course, and don't find the work at all stressful. My birthday was during exam time, I should have made that clear.

I'm not saying that I'm easy going, but I only get upset if there's actually a problem. I'm only human, but I'm grateful for what I have. My mum's father is a very negative man, and I try to be a little bit forgiving on these grounds.

The atmosphere at home is a general one. My parents always seem stressed out, even when just doing a crossword. I do have sympathy, but it's very grating. Money is no tighter than it was before (these issues are discussed openly), but the atmosphere is new. They even seem to fuss over things like sandwich toppings and the strength of a cup of tea.

I do feel a bit like a black sheep. Even down to sense of humour, I differ. That said, it never mattered before, and was even viewed as amusing!

Things will get easier when I'm back in college at the end of September. I also have two trips planned to visit friends for a week or so. Thanks again.

jenortega

Try Byron Katie's "The work" on youtube - there are some really useful dialogues there that might help your situation.

Wishing you the best! xxx