Whats done is done!!

LegacyUser

Not really a question just want to vent really, ive posted about this relationship a couple of times over the last couple of months when differing situations have arisen.
Met a girl, really fell hard, couldn't think of anything else...thing is she was just out of a long term relationship and didn't want anything else, nothing physical happened bar a few kisses etc. Didn't want to take advantage of her vulnurability, but she was really special to me, things kind of went pear shaped then, stopped the meeting up so regulary no more kissing,staying over with her etc.
It seemed to me that i was just a bit of a rebound thing and now that she was moving on I was no longer neeeded.
It came to a head wednesday, sent her a text which she took up the wrong way, and repleid that she didn't care anyway...
I lost it a little and with a rush of blood to the head sent her an email, laying out how i felt and all that,
She rang later when she read it, said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to her, but and here comes the "good" part,
"I'm still mad about my Ex", so i had gotten it wrong when i thought she was over it..agreed to meet fora drink last night, tried not to talk about the email thing too much but it obiously came up....seems she made a "mistake" recently and slept with the ex again, even met him for an hour last week for a hang out....she said that its definatley over now, but later said she doesn't know whether she'll go back there...seems that she is still confused,
Kept saying also that she wanted to be friends with me, then under her breath a few times would say things like she doesn't know how she feels, if i chilled ya never know what may happen, I only met last night to try and get closure, if she doesn't like me fair enough but now i feel like i back to square one again, writing on here totally confused, knowing i need to cut her out but being unable to do so. This is really messing my mind up now, im drinking too much, first thing i looked up on google this morn was anti depressants, i just don't want to feel like this anymore,
I mean i know there is something there, its obviously more from me then her but even so, she even said last night that she tells me things she doesn't tell anyone else, and that im special to her, I just dont know what to think, ive given this 6 months of my life, giving her time to get over her problems helping as much as i could and now it seems to have been in vain, she still is not getting over the Ex and if i look at the situation coldly the liklihood is that she will end up back with him.
Its killing me this....As i said not really a question just a vent of sorts, I know what i need to do Its just i can't seem to bring myself to do it, I don't think ive ever felt like this about anyone before, and i tell you what if this is love ya can keep it..........

Sorry for the long winded post and thanks to anyone who took the time to read it.

Wibbs

I suspect you're right, she will go back to him. As you say she's in a state of confusion. IMHO because while she thinks or knows he's bad news, she's still attracted and attached to him.

Also IMHO she's using you, but probably not out of any badness. As I say I reckon she's confused emotionally at the moment and you're an emotional guarantee in a way. She knows how you feel about her and this part makes her feel wanted, safer and gives her a boost. Her confusing interactions with you, the "I want you as a friend, but if you hang around you never know what I might feel" stuff is to keep you around. I don't think she's doing it consciously as I said, but I still think that's what she's doing. It's pretty common. More with women than men again IMH.

I think if you stick around you're going to keep getting mixed signals, she'll keep going back to him and if she does get shot of him, yes she may go for you, but in my experience it won't be for long and she's more likely to go off with someone completely new. Someone who doesn't remind her of this part of her life. A woman mate of mine years back was in a kinda similar situation as her. I asked her why she didn't end up with the guy who was the version of you. Her answer was that she really liked him but not enough and he reminded her too much of her ex because of the connection.

So what do you do? I think you know yourself, better than any of us. You have to cut ties. Don't worry about her, she'll be fine. Worry about yourself. Yes you feel love, but romantic love is and has to be a two way street. This isn't, so you've just got half the equation going on. That's why you're feeling "if this is love they can keep it". You're dead right. It's not and they can keep it.

Cut contact. It will be hard and she will push more of your buttons to keep you around, so be prepared for that, but every time you feel the pangs and the need to contact her, remind yourself those pangs are your head letting go so you can find someone who will love you back. If that doesn't help also remind yourself that you backing off will increase any genuine interest she has for you and she will respect you more for having emotional boundaries.

I could be wrong and you end up hitched with kids, but personally I doubt it. Not in the current state of play anyway.

My 2 cents.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much, i know your right, mostly, to be fair to her she was never less then honest with me....always said that it wasn't the right time and that if she was in another place in her life it would defo been a goer, and in fairness when she said last night that if i chill ya never know what'll happen she retracted it straight away and said she shouldn't ave said it....but to me she did say it and that was all that counted....and she has distanced herself from me recently, i think this was because she could see what she was doing (id like to think so anyway)
But i know i cant keep doing this, its effecting my work, my relationship with my family and friends, all of whom have told me to walk away and ave done so for months now, im a fool for not taking the advice, just let myself get deeper and deeper,
She doesn't seem to think anything major was there, dunno i know there was something, I mean we connected (on an emotional more then physical level) but for me that was why it was so amazing....note im speaking in the past tense, first step on what i feel is going to be a long and steep road.

LegacyUser

Well, ive had the first test and failed miserably. Got a txt this morn asking would i be able to collect her from somewhere at the wkd. and of course i agreed!!! I never have had great will power, just still think maybe a glimmer of hope is there cos she hasn't let me do anything like this in a while, avoiding me etc......Im really some sap!

Trixielicious

You are too sweet to be getting messed around like this, whether she realises she is doing it or not. I would suggest that you stop making yourself so available to her, delete her number and try to avoid as much contact with her as possible. You've told her how you feel and maybe just maybe not having you there at her beck and call will make her realise how she feels about you. If she still just sees you as a friend then you will have already made the first move in moving on.

Hard thing to do but it will be for the best in the end, you have to put yourself and your sanity first!!!

Best of luck!!!!

Wibbs

Yep she's yanking your chain as our American brethren would say. I now suspect she knows it too as she did back off for a while. Now the thing is the more you enable her, the more she will do it. When you back off or push her, then you will get the "I'm confused/it may happen/bad timing/etc". That's the obvious. What may not be so overt is when she does this subtly. Hugs, snuggling up to you, apparent emotional connections, that sort of thing. She may even kiss you and then the next day you'll get the "I didn't know what I was doing/maybe we made a mistake". The usual. You're already in that zone as you said yourself. It was more emotional than physical.

I've said it before here, more than once, the word "girlfriend" is a good clue. The word "girl" comes before "friend", not the other way around and that's how I would advise any man approaching a woman he's romantically interested in. Treat her like a woman and potential romantic/sexual partner first. Then if you're both lucky you will become friends in the fullness of time and if you're both really lucky that will happen hand in hand with romance. Yes it can happen the other way around and does, but it's the minority scenario IMHO. She needs to see you romantically, even only potentially. If she doesn't game over in most cases. IMHO in the cases where its friends first, then there's either a glimmer of attraction or they don't see each other for a while and then it sparks off.

You don't have this with this woman from what I can see. You have her looking for emotional support(naturally) and you hoping for more. Her knowing this, but not being interested, but not wanting to lose you as a support.

My take is if a woman I'm interested romantically wants my shoulder to cry on, I better be getting access to other parts of her anatomy. Otherwise I'm in friendzone and I've enough friends of either gender. I would say something similar to a woman in bonkzone. A FB situation when she wants and needs more. Two sides, same coin. I would tell her, if he wants access to her body she better be getting access to his shoulder to cry on. Crude? Yes. Applicable in the vast majority of these cases IMHO? Yes.


If I were you I would ring her back and tell her you had a previous engagement. If that's too cold for you, then bring her this once but let it be the last time. I wouldn't get into it with her, because she will pull out all the stops to keep you on side and in your current emotional position you'll likely go along with it as you have been. Nothing will change. She'll give you hints, but nothing else, she'll still see her ex and you'll not get what you want or need romantically.

LegacyUser

Thanks again, despite just words ona screen this does help me!! Ive never been through anything like this before, I dont really understand this, im just always straight up with ppl, wouldn't be able to use someone like this, especially someone i care about (and i do believe she does care about me) so i guess looking at her actions from my perspective as in how i wuld deal with it if the roles were reversed i start thinking that there is still something there. But i mean last nights meet up was my suggestion, kinda wanted to say goodbye, and she did say to just text her if i wanted to cancel...

What you say however makes sense, however I know that, its a losing battle, Logically i can see this, emotionally i just dont want to believe it.

Thanks again, ye help more than you know!

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Ive never been through anything like this before, I dont really understand this, im just always straight up with ppl, wouldn't be able to use someone like this, especially someone i care about

Yep but I think we all have a tendency to project how we would act in the other persons position and run with that and not see how the other person is actually acting.

(and i do believe she does care about me)

Oh I have no doubt she does. She would probably swear blind she does, but how aware is she or wants to be aware how this is affecting you emotionally. A blind man could see it's affecting you, yet she continues? This is not saying it's all her fault or any of that guff either as you're helping her do it.

so i guess looking at her actions from my perspective as in how i wuld deal with it if the roles were reversed i start thinking that there is still something there.

Yep as above. The thing is you can think or believe all you want, you can love her all you want, fancy her all you want, but if this is not returned equally your perspective means little.

But i mean last nights meet up was my suggestion, kinda wanted to say goodbye, and she did say to just text her if i wanted to cancel...

OK the cynic in me might say, well of course she'll say this. It's clearly having the right effect is it not? I'm not saying she's doing this deliberately or consciously, but some people, men and women, just know how to push others buttons emotionally, especially if the other person isn't that experienced. Men tend to do it in other ways. With the "other woman"; "I'll leave her/she doesn't understand me/I love you, but I don't want to hurt her". To the woman in FB mode "ah sure why ruin a good thing/I like you but don't want a relationship now/etc, etc. Long list there too. Hell there's even a movie about it which sums it up, actually for both genders "(She)He's just not that into you".

But this IMHO is classic stuff that some women do. I can think of countless examples off the top of my head. This forum is regularly visited by guys in carbon copy situations like this with a particular woman in their lives. If you removed men in friendzone and women in bonkzone from RI the amount of threads in this forum would be much reduced. It's really common.

What you say however makes sense, however I know that, its a losing battle, Logically i can see this, emotionally i just dont want to believe it.

Yep and that's the bugger of it. You're in emotional overload mode with aside order of false hope. Logic goes straight out the window. And people often say women are the more emotionally driven gender? IMHO we're prett much equal on that score, just guys tend to hide it better.

Thanks again, ye help more than you know!

The thing is, you can help yourself more than anyone. When you realise that you have so much more power over the direction of your emotional life it is very liberating. You'll get there too. May take a while mind, but try and look on this as a step on that road. It can be a bumpy raod but well worth the journey all the same.