BF job offer in Dubai - do I go?

LegacyUser

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and have been living with him officially since Feb. He recently retrained and took a large pay cut to move job and industry and has been struggling financially since this time. He has received a very good job offer for a company in Dubai which would afford him (and us) a fab lifestyle and a good quality of living. The contract is one month on and one month off meaning he could be away for a month and home for a month. There are some details to be agreed re wages etc but if he gets agreement he would like to take it as it is he job of his dreams. I have a permanent job, but have the option to apply for a voluntary redundancy. I would love to live abroad and the ideal for both of us is that we go and live there together and make our lives there.

He is separated and intends to get a DIY divorce this winter when he has more free time as it costs very little and cannot afford to employ lawyers etc. We have both agreed that we want to spend our lives together and I do think he deserves and should take this job but the issue is that it is difficult for us to live as an unmarried couple over there and in order for me to make the move to leave here, my job etc etc I would want to be at minimum engaged to him. He said he would give up the job if I didn’t want him to take it but I think its his time, and his big chance and he should take it with both hands.

How do I explain this to him without looking needy? I don’t want to give up all here, move and effectively hide our relationship over there (as its against the law to cohabitate) without a commitment but I do know that the month on an month off from previous experience of 2 long distance relationships. The contract is open ended so this problem will not go awya in one or 2 years...

Any ideas would be appreciated on how to tell him I will go but only if we have plans for a wedding... I could have floated along for another while but this has sped things up a lot.

Gyalist

Ay home GF wrote: »

He is separated and intends to get a DIY divorce this winter when he has more free time as it costs very little and cannot afford to employ lawyers etc.

Any ideas would be appreciated on how to tell him I will go but only if we have plans for a wedding... I could have floated along for another while but this has sped things up a lot.

So, before he has even completed legally untangling himself from his wife you want to extract a commitment of marriage from him? Hmmm...

i hope that you plan to give your boyfriend his balls back if he gets the job in Dubai.

LegacyUser

Its not like that. I dont want to give up everything for him if he is not willing to do this at some stage. He is separated 7 years so a divorce would not exactly be a shock to his system.

I am not trying to trap him. I am trying to protect myself.

tbh

I think that's a little unfair gyalist, it's not unreasonable to want to make sure they are both on the same page before she turns her life upside down. The thing is OP, if your boy/f wants to stay with you for life, or at least he does now, then it doesn't matter if you are engaged or not. Just asking you, if say he has no intention of doing it, has no purpose. So I'd say have a chat with him, but this is one of those things where you just have to go with your gut, without a metaphorical safety blanket. I'd say do it, there are a lot more positives than negatives.

Why do you say it's difficult to live as an unmarried couple - cause of the religion out there? or did you mean you don't feel as confident going out as an unmarried couple?

LegacyUser

tbh, its actally illegal over the to cohabitate and a landlord can refuse to rent to you as a cohabitating couple.. You can end up in jail but they tend to turn a blind eye but it is recommended that you tell people you meet that the pair of ye are married...

I recently made a HUGE sacrifice for him and this would be another one.. I know its not about keeping count but I would just feel I had given up too much if I was to move with no committment from him.

Kimia

I think you're right OP to ask these questions. Talk to him about it.

Only thing I'd say is do you really want the reason that you guys got married to be to satisfy some court in Dubai?. You know, when you look back on it in 30 years time telling your kids etc

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Only thing I'd say is do you really want the reason that you guys got married to be to satisfy some court in Dubai?. You know, when you look back on it in 30 years time telling your kids etc

This is a very good point and no....

But I have done the long distance thing and I have no faith in it indefinitely.. One month apart at a time is not do-able in my book.... It doenst mean I dont love him it just means I know my limitations... He has done it too and it didnt work for him before..

So he goes and we evenutally drga it out and break up, we break up now, I go and just agree to live with him (giving up my jobs and friends etc) or we agree to get married and I can live there without looking over my shoulder and waiting for someone to shop us to the courts....

He doesnt want kids, told me recently and I stayed with him.. I will not give him everything...

Kimia

Hmm. Not boding well so far.

It's not worth it. You deserve the proper engagement, wedding etc. Don't do it - it sounds like you'd be forcing his hand and you deserve (everyone does) better than that.

Also the kids thing is a major red flag. Perhaps you guys aren't very compatible and this is what will bring it all to light. Could be the making or breaking of you in a way.

How does he feel about marriage to you?

LegacyUser

[QUOTE=Kimia;6159863
How does he feel about marriage to you?[/QUOTE]

It hasnt really been an issue up to now. This is what I cant to suss out and was asking advice on how to do it without being too pushy...

The baby thing is sorted out... It would be a long shot at my age anyway.

iguana

What would be the set up there from his job? Would he be housed by his employers and would this be on a westerners "compound"? A few years ago my husband was offered a job in Qatar and if he had taken it we would have been housed in an area set aside for westerners and certain national laws didn't apply on that property.

LegacyUser

WE dont know the details yet. The accomodation would be supplied by his employer but we dont have the details of it. He has turned down the job cos the money was not good enough but we think they will be back with a higher offer.