Hush.

reality

Any opinions appreciated.

Defying loneliness, I reach to you.
Blinded by darkness - but almost aware.
I cast my hand in your wake, softly calling.
I call your name so that I am not distracted by the bliss abyss.

I find you, shyness,
Above the brash, trembling in the face of what may.
Happiness abound.

I lead you, scarcely aware now,
Scarcely knowing the path – but even I am caressed by my stance!
So onwards!
Onwards false bravado!
To the enlightened dune, where we shall just be.
Naked in the stars gaze, they will bathe in our glow.

blacon9

I liked it. Some bits are a bit more complicated than i would like, i prefer simple poetry, but youre skilled at what you do.

The last line is spectacular.

reality

Thanks alot. Glad you liked it! I guess I do tend to under-rate simplicity though - but old habits are hard to break!

pickarooney

I probably shouldn't comment, but I just don't get this type of poem. It seems almost every day someone posts virtually the same rhythmless few lines of 'I do this, you do that, something about the cosmos and I cleverly hate your guts'.

Again, I know this will probably come across as harsh or downright nasty, but what is the merit of this kind of poetry? The words don't even make much sense, it's like they're thrown together to achieve some sort of aural effect at the expense of symantics or meter.

Grievous

I liked it. Have read it 3 times now.

I disgree with the poster above. With that attiude, you could just view all poetry all that. Couldn't you?

reality

pickarooney wrote: »

I probably shouldn't comment, but I just don't get this type of poem. It seems almost every day someone posts virtually the same rhythmless few lines of 'I do this, you do that, something about the cosmos and I cleverly hate your guts'.

Again, I know this will probably come across as harsh or downright nasty, but what is the merit of this kind of poetry? The words don't even make much sense, it's like they're thrown together to achieve some sort of aural effect at the expense of symantics or meter.

Each to their own I guess - though if you could specify which words didn't make sense to you, I'd be happy to explain them. Maybe it's just because I wrote it, but when I read it, it follows a rhythm - albeit an erractic one.
The merit of this kind of poetry? For me it's a form of personal expression - yes, I was aiming for some sort of aural effect, but I spent a long time carefully choosing words (that grasped my meaning and that I felt maintained the tone/sentiment I was trynig to express), sentence structure and punctuation to achieve that effect. I'm beginning to think that something went drastically awry in my planning though, if you think there was anything in there that attempted to say I cleverly hated anyones guts! :eek:

pickarooney

"I reach to you" - normally this would be 'reach out to you' or 'reach you'. Which meaning were you going for and why is there no preposition?
"almost aware" - of what? how can you be almost aware?
"I cast my hand" - like a fishing rod, a spell, or a piece of metal? The image I get is one of separating your hand at the wrist and lobbing it after someone/something
What's a "bliss abyss" and why would it distract you? Are you falling asleep having taken painkillers? Is it an abyss of bliss (a nothingness of happiness) or a blissful abyss?
"above the brash" - is 'brash' used as a noun? How? If not, what is the noun?
"what may" - I don't get why you use a modal verb on its own
"happiness abound" - as a singular noun its verb should take an 's'
"caressed by my stance" - I have no idea how a stance can caress something
"false bravado" - bravado is by definition fake or exaggerated and an inanimate, intangible object. How can you command bravado to move?
"enlightened dune" - has the dune reached nirvana through prolonged introspection?

You'll probably dismiss all this as 'poetic licence' and that's your right, but I still can't see the art in what is to me just putting words together with no shape or meaning. An 'erratic rhythm' is also a paradox for me.
Your poem makes no reference to hating anyone's guts. It's just something that comes up in an awful lot of these poems.

I disgree with the poster above. With that attiude, you could just view all poetry all that. Couldn't you?

Not really. This 'attitude' doesn't prevent me from appreciating poetry that is well structured, meaningful, clever or, most importantly, has some universal rather than strictly personal, appeal.

Poppy78

I wish I could read it out loud but I am in work. In my head I find it sensual. More about feeling than the intellectual. I think the mixture of the whispering s words and the harsher br words give it a loose rythym of sorts. It made my heart rate speed up. That seems like a good thing.

reality

I’ll start by saying that I wrote the poem based on my memories of a dream about someone I loved. The “aural effect“ (for want of a better term) that I was hoping to achieve was that of the tone of my memories - foggy/broken/emotional.

Pickarooney, I hope this helps. I found it a difficult (although interesting) task to aptly express my meanings using alternative words.
"I reach to you" - I meant reach out to you, but as it was a mental reach I didn’t include the “out” as to me it sounded too physical. I, perhaps mistakenly, was under the impression that ‘to’ was a preposition.
"almost aware" - My dream started with me in utter darkness, I remember experiencing sounds and textures like something was happening around me, like I was somewhere or with some-one but it was too muffled, too vague for me to really make it out.
"I cast my hand" - You know how you can be said to ‘throw’ your arms up? Well, I used ‘cast’ in such a manner.
"bliss abyss" - This is the term I used to describe the tempting nothingness that sort of surrounds you when you ‘lose’ a dream, you know when a dream fades out or gives way to another dream etc.
"above the brash" - Brash is used as a noun. By saying I found them “above the brash” I meant that they were away from all vulgarity.
"what may" - I didn‘t put ‘happen’, ’come’ or ‘be’ after it because I wanted to leave the meaning completely open.
"happiness abound" - I meant it as a plea - no, a command to happiness, e.g. ‘happiness prevail’ as opposed to ‘happiness prevails’. I guess a comma after ‘happiness’ wouldn’t have gone amiss.
"caressed by my stance" - I meant comforted, but I wanted to emphasise the intimacy of the comfort, so I chose to use ‘caressed’.
"false bravado" - For me, perhaps from naivety, ‘bravado’ conjures cockiness and daring, that’s why I called it false.
"enlightened dune" - I meant it to mean the dune for those who are enlightened - as in “waiting room” - a room for those who are waiting :P

As for “erratic rhythm”, I can’t fathom how you don’t grasp my meaning, in fact, I suspect that you are entirely aware of what I mean and are just being pernickety. I was under the impression that this was the creative writing forum - not the technical writing police forum. You might enjoy this type of poetry a little more if you stop assuming that the writer has made mistakes and start looking for their possible meaning. I thoroughly enjoy rhyming, universally appealing poetry - but I also get a kick from the intimacy of very personal poetry.

pickarooney

reality wrote: »

As for “erratic rhythm”, I can’t fathom how you don’t grasp my meaning, in fact, I suspect that you are entirely aware of what I mean and are just being pernickety. I was under the impression that this was the creative writing forum - not the technical writing police forum. You might enjoy this type of poetry a little more if you stop assuming that the writer has made mistakes and start looking for their possible meaning. I thoroughly enjoy rhyming, universally appealing poetry - but I also get a kick from the intimacy of very personal poetry.

That's the thing though - the subject matter and the unorthodox way you have of using words are highly personal so are unlikely to have any meaning to any other reader, making it difficult to derive anything from it. I'm not sure why you think giving an opinion is policing

I genuinely don't know what you mean by erratic rhythm. Something either has a rhythm (simple or complex, but a pattern nonetheless) or it hasn't.

reality

To me, erratic rhythm clearly means means an irregular rhythm. Perhaps the fact that I frequently come across the term through work means that I have unfair assumptions in regards to other peoples understanding of the words.