Immigrating / Traveling and leaving boyfriend behind

ivorygal

Hi there...

I'm looking for some advice on coming to terms with the fact that I'll be leaving home in 14 weeks time and leaving my boyfriend (of 4 years) behind. I was made unemployed in January of this year and I have had no luck in finding a job since, so I decided that the best thing for me would be to go traveling, see a bit of the world and try and get work abroad. I opted for New Zealand because it's fairly easy to get a visa and so I'm going in November.

I have a boyfriend who just isn't interested in traveling abroad, he's got a mortgage, house, friends here etc. and I can completely understand that these commitments make it hard for him to join me on my trip. More importantly, he doesn't want to go traveling. He's a real home bird and he feels anxious at the idea of going abroad. I'm trying to reconcile with this part of his personality, because I always wanted to be with someone who I'd travel with and when we first started going out we often talked about traveling together but over the years he put down some roots with the house etc. that I guess his priorities changed.

So he's not going and I admit I did initially try and push it on to him, but I kinda realized that would be a disaster because I didn't want to be the other side of the world but someone who really didn't want to be there. I can't help feeling rejection though because deep deep down I feel that if he really loved me and wanted to be with me that he'd be happy to go with me. I did suggest ways of overcoming the house thing, he'd let the place pretty easily and can take a career break from his job no problem.

I really think that his decision not to go has taken a toll on our relationship and I kinda feel that the next few weeks is countdown to break up. We are going to break up when I go away because I know that I'd be heartbroken across the world pining for him and I just don't want to do it to myself. He didn't have any objections when I said that's what I wanted....he pretty much said that he was looking forward to being single and having time to his own while I'm away. Between not coming with me and looking forward to his alone time, it really does make me doubt his feelings for me. I look at other friends of mine, heading off traveling with their boyfriends/girlfriends and feel very envious of that commitment and adventure.

I'm just in this horrible limbo now, waiting for this relationship to end and I kinda don't know how to get on with things. We're both in our mid twenties, so still really young so perhaps we're just not suited to each other....I'm just really confused right now and am looking for advice on getting all this straight in my head!

Help :-)

Monkey61

To be honest it does sound as if this relationship is winding down and maybe it is just as well that you are moving away to bring the break up to a head.

In your situation, I would be upset too. But I know that if I really loved somebody I would not be looking forward to being single again and all that jazz, I would want to be with them and hate the idea of them leaving for a long period of time. I don't particularly like travelling either and I would absolutely hate the idea of moving to Australia/NZ, but if a girlfriend who I loved was going and wanted me to go too I would go with them in a shot. Plus it would be an adventure either way.

I think this could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You are going off to have an adventure, with no ties and at a perfect time in your life. You have said it yourself; you want a boyfriend who wants to travel and enthusiastically discover the world with you. I know one makes sacrifices in relationships, but for the sake of a year, do you want to be with someone who refuses to do that? By the sounds of things, your boyfriend just isn't the man for you.

It will be difficult of course it will, but I personally would break up with him now. Is there any point on spending another few months upsetting yourself with a boyfriend who doesn't seem to be that into you anymore?

Sephiroth_dude

To be honest with you I think you should finish with him and try and move on with your life,From what you wrote it sounds as if he has no interest in the relationship,Save yourself the hassle and heartbreak in 14wks time and break up with him now,it'll be hard though I know.

Best of luck op,I hope it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

Go and live your life. The mortgage is his milestone, don't let it be yours.

Don't go and you'll regret it for the rest of your days.

And, you are emigrating, not immigrating!

Terodil

ivorygal wrote: »

I'm looking for some advice on coming to terms with the fact that I'll be leaving home in 14 weeks time and leaving my boyfriend (of 4 years) behind. I was made unemployed in January of this year and I have had no luck in finding a job since, so I decided that the best thing for me would be to go traveling, see a bit of the world and try and get work abroad. I opted for New Zealand because it's fairly easy to get a visa and so I'm going in November.

Did you discuss this with your bf at all?

To me it sounds as if you made the decision straight away, without considering what this meant for the two of you.

ivorygal wrote: »

I have a boyfriend who just isn't interested in traveling abroad, he's got a mortgage, house, friends here etc. and I can completely understand that these commitments make it hard for him to join me on my trip.

Exactly. On *your* trip. Just as a matter of interest, where are you two living? In the house he holds the mortgage for?

ivorygal wrote: »

I can't help feeling rejection though because deep deep down I feel that if he really loved me and wanted to be with me that he'd be happy to go with me. I did suggest ways of overcoming the house thing, he'd let the place pretty easily and can take a career break from his job no problem.

Well, first off, you seem to have made the decision on your own, without giving him much say in the matter. You could just as well rephrase it from his point of view: 'If she really loved me, she wanted to be with me and would be happy to stay with me given that I'm tied to job and soil here.'

Additionally, you have no job at the moment, he does. He also has a mortgage and a house. You are the more flexible of the two of you.

Finally, you may have heard that we are currently in a deep recession. Taking a career break from a job is akin to economic suicide at the moment.

ivorygal wrote: »

I really think that his decision not to go has taken a toll on our relationship and I kinda feel that the next few weeks is countdown to break up.

Yes, your decision to go has taken a toll on your relationship.

ivorygal wrote: »

He didn't have any objections when I said that's what I wanted....he pretty much said that he was looking forward to being single and having time to his own while I'm away.

Sounds like a brave face to me. Who would stand in his OH's way in her pursuit of happiness. I'd bet my money on him trying to show a stiff upper lip here.

ivorygal wrote: »

Between not coming with me and looking forward to his alone time, it really does make me doubt his feelings for me.

This is delusional, see above.

- You are the more flexible of the two of you
- You made the choice to move away
- You put the gun to his chest by weighing your own egotistical happiness against the relationship you two have together

... and now you question his love for you?

muboop1

i agree to a certain extent with the above poster...

Like if you are living in "his" house, you cant blame him for having it...

He seems to be settling down, hes with you for 4 years etc...

maybe he was thinking of the whole family stuff or something??

you havent given much info about your relationship at all...

You got laid off so can go travel for 14 weeks..

You are leaving him...

He can take a career break... its a recession, are you sure there will be a job for him to come home to?

renting at the moment is less then good...

new zealand... nice place, would he be willing to go soemwhere else??

Did you in fact talk to him about this at all before you decided to do this? i mean really talk?

He's looking forward to being single...
Seems hes giving you an easy way out...
guilt free for abandoning him...

ivorygal

Terodil wrote: »

Did you discuss this with your bf at all?

Absolutely, there was huge consultation (months of it!) regarding possible places to go. I was the one always coming up with the ideas and he just wasn't budging - it became apparent he just wasn't interested in any travel. He's in a good profession that's on most countries critical skilled migrant lists so he would have had no problem getting well paid employment in other countries and unless the Irish state goes bankrupt he would certainly have a job to come back to, but I fully understand while the risk is somewhat slight, it's his risk to take.

I'm not living in his house, when I lost my job I felt that going home to live with my parents would be better. They're happy to have me rent free and I wouldn't have felt right about not contributing to my boyfriends mortgage when he could have filled it with a renter.

I felt that I dealt with the situation as best as I could, consulting him along the way and perhaps it's just not in his make up to want to travel etc. Or perhaps he just didn't want to go with me - which is what I have been trying to figure out. Monkey61 it was good to get your perspective on what you'd have done in his shoes because I think of the shoe was on the other foot and he was going, I'd jump at the chance to have gone with him - even if I had a job and a house to sort. I'm a big believer in working around obstacles like that. Thing is he didn't even try and look at possible solutions if he decided to go traveling, which makes me think he just never had that inclination.

I know I'm leaving him but I really don't want to and I've made that clear to him. I want him to come and for us to give it a go together but I feel that in terms of opportunities it would be better for me to be working over in NZ than sitting at home wasting my qualifications. For me, I want to be in a place where we could both use our qualifications and see a bit of the world.

Due to his attitude towards me and moods, as well as the decision not to go traveling with me I tend to agree with posters who've said, it sounds like this is a relationship winding down. I've asked him how he feels and he says he loves me etc, but it just doesn't feel like that. I think it's probably right to end it now, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it...I actually have a pain in my tummy thinking about it.

herya

ivorygal wrote: »

Absolutely, there was huge consultation (months of it!) regarding possible places to go.

But not the emigration idea in itself?

I was the one always coming up with the ideas and he just wasn't budging - it became apparent he just wasn't interested in any travel.

Exactly. You are both entrenched in your positions (both for good reasons) and if you want to go, absolutely go, just don't blame him for not budging or "not loving you" as it's you who've made the decision to leave. Be fair to him, he'll probably be hurt enough and if he takes it on the chin and lets you go without making scenes just appreciate it.

supermouse

i'll pm you....!!

Terodil

ivorygal wrote: »

Absolutely, there was huge consultation (months of it!) regarding possible places to go. I was the one always coming up with the ideas and he just wasn't budging - it became apparent he just wasn't interested in any travel.

So essentially you made up your mind that you wanted to emigrate, whatever he said or whatever it meant for the relationship, and graciously left it to him to applaud your location ideas...?

Sorry I'm a bit picky here but I feel you have a very polarised picture of the situation and I'm trying to contribute another perspective.

ivorygal wrote: »

I'm not living in his house, when I lost my job I felt that going home to live with my parents would be better. They're happy to have me rent free and I wouldn't have felt right about not contributing to my boyfriends mortgage when he could have filled it with a renter.

You felt... could have... have you ever discussed this with him? Has he ever let on he would prefer a third party over you in that house? What is the purpose of that house? An investment? A family home?

ivorygal wrote: »

Thing is he didn't even try and look at possible solutions if he decided to go traveling, which makes me think he just never had that inclination.

Well yeah, in all fairness it looks to me as if you never gave him a choice. I read 'ultimatum' between every two lines of what you write.

ivorygal wrote: »

I know I'm leaving him but I really don't want to and I've made that clear to him. I want him to come and for us to give it a go together

Yes, you want him to jump at your word and to fulfill your wishes. This is not a partnership for crying out loud, this is you dictating where your common future is supposed to lie. You are leaving him and YOU, not him, are the one who puts her choice of life before the relationship. That you're now trying to paint him the unflexible, selfish guy is just the icing on the cake.

ivorygal wrote: »

but I feel that in terms of opportunities it would be better for me to be working over in NZ than sitting at home wasting my qualifications. For me, I want to be in a place where we could both use our qualifications and see a bit of the world.

Fair enough; that is a very understandable aim. As it happens, it conflicts with the goal of being together. A classic goal conflict. You already decided the outcome of this conflict: You want to go to NZ, first of all, the relationship comes second. Fair enough too. You should tell your bf so and stand up for your choices, instead of turning him into the bad guy who he does not seem to be:

ivorygal wrote: »

Due to his attitude towards me and moods, as well as the decision not to go traveling with me I tend to agree with posters who've said, it sounds like this is a relationship winding down.

ivorygal wrote: »

I think it's probably right to end it now, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it...I actually have a pain in my tummy thinking about it.

I agree, end it now. Your bf should no longer live in the illusion that you value him or the relationship anywhere close to your professional priorities. You've tried to take the decisions for him at every opportunity, you've even tried manipulating him into decisions that allow you to pursue your professional dreams. Stop this charade and make a clean cut at last.

dory

I've know of a lot of couples who have made the decision to stay together while one works abroad and in every case they calmly and amicably break up. I know this isn't your plan anyway but just to give you another perspective. In each case (including my own) they two have learned to live without each other, the calls become less frequent and stuff.
So I would suggest you go, break up or not, and enjoy yourself. It will be hard at the start but from what I've seen eventually you will be alright and might find someone you're more suited to in NZ.