Ashamed of my behaviour - what should I do?

LegacyUser

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 2 years now. He's a lovely guy, I honestly cannot say a single bad word about him. We have a good relationship, he's kind, attentive, funny and I love him.

However, over the last few months I have bee been thinking that I might end it. I have become bored and the spark doesn't seem to be there anymore, he doesn't excite me and our sex life has suffered. I have become distracted by crushed on other men. I also don't think we want the same things for our future. I had just about decided to end it (after a lot of soul searching) when he got the news that he was being transferred to another country to do his job. He was devastated about having to leave me and told me that if I didn't want him to go he'd turn it down. Obviously I told him not to do that as it was a good opportunity for him. He is due to leave in about 2 months. I decided the best thing to do would be to wait until he's gone and let him settle in for a months or so then break up with him. I think he's feel better if I broke up with him because of the distance rather then broke up with him out of nowhere and I think he recognises that it probably wont work out between us anyway. also don't want to cause unnecessary upheaval in his life right now as he's stressed out about the move anyway.

My problem is that last week I went out with some friends and I kissed another guy. Only briefly and I was very drunk (I know that doesn't make it any better). This other guy vaguely knows by boyfriend and he actually stopped it and pointed out that we couldn't do it to him and would both be in serious trouble if we were caught. I was instantly ashamed and embarrassed at what I had done, I instigated the kiss and he stopped it. I apologies for putting him in that situation and text him the next day to apologise again. He seems ok about it.

I think my problem is that, in my mind, the relationship is already over. I so still love my boyfriend but I know he's not the one for me and I know it's all but over. I think he has some idea that our day are numbered too but doesn't want to admit it or accept it.

What shall I do? Shall I tell my boyfriend about the kiss? Shall I break up with him now? Shall I carry on with the initial plan of waiting until he's gone and letting him get settled etc? I know this story doesn't exactly put me in a good light, i can assure you all that I now I acted wrongly and shamefully and my boyfriend deserves more. If I stay with him for a while longer I am sure there will not be a repeat performance.

MIN2511

I am sorry but you sound manipulative and calculating, he’s not a kid you know... He may be able to handle a break up better than you think.
My advice: break up with him immediately, if he can’t deal with it then that’s his problem. No need to tell him about the kiss that will only add salt to his injury.
Never say never on the repeat performance, anything can happen, anytime and anywhere... If you could do it once, you might probably do it again!

Trail_Blazer

I agree with MIN, be honest with yourself and him and just end it. You seem to only be prolonging the inevitable at this point, and for what purpose?

OS119

MIN2511 wrote: »

I am sorry but you sound manipulative and calculating, he’s not a kid you know... He may be able to handle a break up better than you think.
My advice: break up with him immediately, if he can’t deal with it then that’s his problem. No need to tell him about the kiss that will only add salt to his injury.
Never say never on the repeat performance, anything can happen, anytime and anywhere... If you could do it once, you might probably do it again!

OP, i don't think you sound 'manipulative and calculating', (in a bad way, personally i think that 'thinking' is a good thing, more people should do it more often!) i think you have made a big decision that will negatively affect your BF and you're trying to 'manage' the situation so it will be as least unpleasent as possible - you view him as the 'innocent party' and therefore deserving of as gentle and considerate treatment as possible.

i think thats great, but i wouldn't be sure its going to work. assuming he's not a complete moron he'll probably notice that you've 'left' the relationship well before he gets on a plane - indeed he may already have twigged.

i'd be pretty tempted to give him the news straight away, leave out the kissing bit, just say "we're going to be living apart, i can't manage a LDR, so its best that we part now and try to rebuild our lives - have a really great time, use the new location to make a new start".

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

. I decided the best thing to do would be to wait until he's gone and let him settle in for a months or so then break up with him.

You decided the best thing to do would be to wait til he's in a different country on his own, lonely and with no support network, to break up with him. Ok. But at least you won't have to deal with the truth face to face and all that nasty emotional business, right?

I think he's feel better if I broke up with him because of the distance rather then broke up with him out of nowhere and I think he recognises that it probably wont work out between us anyway.

Translation: you're too cowardly to just tell him the truth, you'd rather blame him and his circumstances so he'll feel guilty about it afterwards for a long time but hey you won't have to, and you're trying to convince yourself that he feels the same way with probably no basis whatsoever. Close?

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

op - don't wait until he has moved and settled because then if you break up with him he might think that it's because he moved away and will instantly regret moving for career advancement then he will throw everything down the toilet just to come running back to you when you don't even want to be with him, even if you tell him its not cause he moved away he will think it cause it is something major to happen to a relationship

i say tell him now so he has as much time as possible before he moves so he can get his **** together, get over you and have a positive outlook about getting out of the place in which the girl he is going out with and loves is scoring a guy who he knows

Moomoo1

OP - just tell him you've fallen out of love. Honesty is the best course of action in those situations.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for the honest replies. Maybe I am being cowardly here in letting him move away first but I am genuinely trying to think of what's best for him too. I know that you could say, it's not best for him to have me going be hind his back with other girls, and you'd be right! I know I have been stupid but I am just trying to do whatever is best for him now.

He wont come back when I break up with him. He wont be over there with no support network and completely either. Granted he'll be a long way from his family but he does have some friends over there. I do genuinely think he sees that our days are numbered, I am not just trying to convince myself of that either. I know from the things he's said and the way he's been about going away.

I just felt like when he moves we will not be able to see as much of each other. Not by along way. I thought we would naturally drift apart to some extent and it would be easier on him when I did break it off. I don't want him worrying that he did this wrong or that wrong. I want it to be as painless as possible for him, maybe I am a coward, maybe I am calculating but I do have his feelings at heart.

Moomoo1

Forgive me OP, but when you say 'it's best for him' you are being very patronising. The best for him is to be told of your true feelings and of exactly how things stand, so that HE then decides what's best for him.

That's number one. Number two, it's always easier to break up in person rather than at a distance. Means you can give him that feeling of closure.

Number three, as you say, he probably realises things aren't right. He will probably know that the reasons you give for the breakup (LDR) are false. It will screw with his mind royally, the worst possible thing is the unknown.

So I don't think you have his feelings at heart, just yours. If you had his feelings at heart, you'd have told him that your feelings for him aren't what they used to be and that sometime between now and the day he leaves you two will go your separate ways. Set a date if you like.

LegacyUser

You are probably right moomoo1, I am being patronising deciding what I think is right for him and maybe I am being cowardly too. But what I am afraid of is breaking his heart. Maybe I have to just bite the bullet and do it and not prolong the agony anymore.

I probably would still break up with him face to face even if I waiting until he's moved because he will be back now and again and I would probably break up with him while he was back. I wouldn't want to do it over the phone.

Dublin141

I think dragging it out would be incredibly cruel. Give him a chance to make a fresh start when he moves. Don't be cowardly and let him find out that the relationship is over from someone else. Tends to sour things quite a bit. You may think you know what's best for him but I can't imagine kissing men he knows is it. End it before you make another mistake like that (or before the original kiss gets back to him.) If you already think the relationship is over then it is only fair to let him know. I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I'm saying this as someone who has made a similar mistake.

puglover

Op I think that you should be honest with your bf and tell him how you feel.

I know that you are trying to manage the situation to avoid hurt but you can't there is no good time for bad news. And I think there is an element of it that will be easier for you if he is out of the country in that you won't have to see the hurt you cause and that is selfish.

At least now he has some friends for support etc. and moving away will probably seem like a new opportunity and a new start for him following the break up. If you wait he could end up regretting the move for ever more.