Problems with father..

LegacyUser

Ok, little background.
I'm 21 year old male, Lived in another country with both parents until I was 7 then they broke up and I moved here to Ireland and have been here since. Father has always stayed where I am now. (Not saying location as it's a bit of a giveaway as to my boards id)

Anyway, I'm over here visiting my father now and..well, I can't put it any other way except I cannot stand the man.
He is unbelievably arrogant and intrusive, he thinks he knows everything about everyone and..grr.


For example, he's 50 next month and he STILL looks for fights on the streets shouting at people and mouthing off..with me there you know? I mean, fair enough if you're like this naturally, You're a scumbag but ffs, with your son there who you haven't seen for nearly 2 years have a little bloody tact.

He is constantly telling me how I should be living my life you know?
Telling me how he's one of the smartest people alive and that if I want to get anywhere in life that I should be like him?! I mean it's taking everything in me not to go at him!


Only today we were talking to two girls he knows and he goes off on one talking about how "I'm very very smart you know" and how "There's no one here that would fight me, I'm too good"
he's a bloody pain in the...


Now, the simple thing, why don't i just...not see him? Simple aye?
Well if I don't he comes over to Ireland which is worse because he's embarassing!

Also, he has no respect for anyone but himself, bloody hell, in the house I'm in now he has up to 20 photos of himself framed and pictured! that along with the fact he seems to insult everyone he comes across.."You're not too smart are you!" "You could do with losing a few pounds" "You're a bad driver" etc etc etc


Also, he has this bloody hatred towards women that is..ridiculous.
Every single one of them he views as 'Wh*res' or 'Bit*hes' and he tries to push this on me, anytime I've been seen to show any interest in a girl he comes on all "Oh she's a woman..they're all the bloody same, stay away"
It's like poison you know?



Anyway, I really don't know what I'm looking for here but..well, advice? but what can I do?
Sitting down and talking to him really isn't going to work..He doesn't listen to me at all, he doesn't care.


The worst thing is, I have no respect for him whatsoever..I don't love him as he thinks I do..I mean he's always saying things like "Oh your mother always thought you liked her more, well now she knows different" and I'm thinking to myself..wtf are you on about?

he's also constantly saying things like "Oh I bet you're always wondering 'how did I do that so good' " When I say "Not really.." his response will be something like "Well you should because I'm brilliant at it"
This applies to just about anything..

I mean he's even had the nerve to say to me "You don't know who lucky you are to have my genes because I'm a special breed"


Grr, he pisses me off to no end.
anyway, really sorry for going off on tangents there but my mind is fried and I've only been with him for a few days.


thanks for any kind of advice or..whatever

fasty

He sounds pretty insecure. You can be up front with him and talk to him about it, you can put up with it or you can distance yourself from your dad.

What do you want to do?

(Note, I would try to work it out, you only have one dad. I dunno wtf I'd do without mine!)

LegacyUser

Wow that's really tough. I really feel for you.

I would avoid going out on the street with him, because one of these days, someone will take him up on the offer to see how tough he actually is and you might get dragged into it too. He sounds as if he is massively insecure, but the insecurity and the need for reassurance is at an excessive level.

He doesn't seem to have any respect for anyone.

TBH, I would sit him down, tell him that he's your dad and you love him and respect him (even though at the moment, you probably don't), but that the way he acts on the street and the need for constant reassurance bothers you, and you want to know what you can do to make him feel better about yourself. Tell him that you don't agree with how he speaks about women, that you are embarrassed by the way he speaks to people and talks about being so hard that nobody could beat him in a fight, and that you are worried that if he keeps mouthing off to people he's going to get hurt. The way he goes on sounds just like playground level stuff to me.

If he just is a b****x and you don't think any of the above would have an impact, stay on good terms with him as a previous poster is right in that you only have one dad, and remember that he is only visiting for a short period of time.

Good luck.

Taltos

tbh - he sounds like a fruit loop.
Have you tried speaking to his GP to see if he needs medication or has been told to take it but is refusing?

Failing that you really only have a few choices.
1. Ignore - return his calls less and less. Make excuses when he says he is coming to visit. Don't answer the door if he arrives on your step. Basically slowly remove him from your life.
2. Accept it - live with his little childish tantrums as you have been doing - continue to apologise to folk you meet. Possibly get to know the local police personally as either they arrest you or you set up his bail...
3. Tackle it - straight up tackle this head on. Lay down the law kind of like "Hey Dad - you know I love you and I always will... But you are acting like a prat and I cannot take it anymore. Either sort yourself out - and I will help or just faff off and blow smoke out your *** " Harsh yes - to the point yes - will it get a reaction - it bloody will - just be prepared to beat a hasty retreat.

If you are going to do 3 - you might also want to lower the tone I have used for shock purposes - draw on 1 or 2 recent examples and ask him how he would feel if he had been spoken to like that...

Mate at the end of the day - you really only have one dad - but you also only have one life. You gotta figure do you sacrifice your happiness to keep him deluded or do you try to get him some help and maybe lose that friendship. If you do go to the GP / route 3 - at least you will know that you tried your best. Just maybe have some backup on hand...

OS119

spend a mighty €5 on a new SIM card, return any letters he sends, stop using that email address, get a new house phone number.

if you can, move.

this bloke, who obviously has massive issues around ego, insecurity and being a major twat, is not going to change his behaviour because you sit down and have a nice chat with him. this somewhat bizaare image that he creates for himself (notice that the main element to this personality is a complete ignorance of other people and their veiws...) is what defines him to himself, to change that image - being a complete knobber - would mean accepting that not only did he look like a knob, but that he was one.

he's not going to change, he can't 'tone down' his behaviour because its as fundamental to him as being 5ft 8'' with dark hair is to me - and i can't 'tone down' being 5ft 8'' with dark hair.

Moomoo1

You could colour your hair?

OP - why can't you just agree with him? I mean, he is living in his world, so why not just play along?

Lollipops23

agree he sounds majorly insecure. was he happy that you went to live with your mam and barely get to see him?

i think he may just be showing off, he has his son in town and wants everyone to know what a great dad he is and wants you to know how "cool" he is.

but really it's not ok.he sounds like a headwrecker. i wouldn't be able to spend 5mins with someone like that.

i agree that maybe it's time to cut contact,if you want to. you don't have to answer emails/letters. make excuses when he tries to come over etc.

also just nod and smile when he comes out with shít like that.

LegacyUser

Hey all, I really don't know what I want to do?
It's a bit horrible cos at the end of the day he is my father but really.. I cannot stand him!

Sitting down and talking to him really wouldn't work, he is convinced in himself everything he does is right..

eugh, it's really getting to me.


and yeah I'd have no problem cutting all contact but my mother doesn't want me to..keeps going "he's still your dad" etc etc

yeah he did have mental problems before.. paranoid schizophreniac and manic depressive but that's all MEANT to be in the past..

I doubt it though as he now thinks he's a psychic and can talk to dead people..which I view as a relapse from his mother dying 2 years ago and he needs a way of dealing with it..but he doesn't realise this at all.. I haven't said anything mind as I view it a bit mean if i did but..kinda needs to be said doesn't it?
He's absolutely positive he's psychic..it's a bit sad.


ugh..not long left here anyway