boyfriend woe

LegacyUser

Im beginning to despise the relationship I have with my boyfriend.

Not my boyfriend - I love him to pieces. There's just been some major changes lately.

Started about 2 months ago, when on hol together we found out he had lost his job - que devestation. I did whatever I could to make the holiday great for him anyway, tried my best. Now we get home and suddenly he's drawing away from me.

He's got bits of jobs all over the place, and basically seems to have no time for me anymore. Constantly with his mates, "helping them out". I'm lonely. We used to see each other so much and Im used to this. It feels like everything has turned upside down in our relationship.

Today I rang him and drew the line with him. I told him he was going to have to reprioritise if he was going to keep me happy. Maybe this is selfish of me??? But i don't want to be in a relationship where im not happy and I think I need to be selfish about it.

Basically he told me to deal with it or leave. I was a bit gutted but he claimed that I was treating him like a dog, ordering him around, I told him in response that I didnt want to be a part time girlfriend when it suited him. I dont know whether to get out or not. I love him so much and would spend every minute of every day with im and it really really hurts me that he doesnt feel the same way. Its as if he is pulling away from me. Any advice before i make my decision?

SheRa

Unregistered wrote: »

Im beginning to despise the relationship I have with my boyfriend.

Not my boyfriend - I love him to pieces. There's just been some major changes lately.

Started about 2 months ago, when on hol together we found out he had lost his job - que devestation. I did whatever I could to make the holiday great for him anyway, tried my best. Now we get home and suddenly he's drawing away from me.

He's got bits of jobs all over the place, and basically seems to have no time for me anymore. Constantly with his mates, "helping them out". I'm lonely. We used to see each other so much and Im used to this. It feels like everything has turned upside down in our relationship.

Today I rang him and drew the line with him. I told him he was going to have to reprioritise if he was going to keep me happy. Maybe this is selfish of me??? But i don't want to be in a relationship where im not happy and I think I need to be selfish about it.

Basically he told me to deal with it or leave. I was a bit gutted but he claimed that I was treating him like a dog, ordering him around, I told him in response that I didnt want to be a part time girlfriend when it suited him. I dont know whether to get out or not. I love him so much and would spend every minute of every day with im and it really really hurts me that he doesnt feel the same way. Its as if he is pulling away from me. Any advice before i make my decision?

You sound like you are trying to be as supportive as possible. He lost his job which Id say really hurt his self worth and his confidence. Maybe helping out his mates gives him a sense of being useful and takes his mind off things.

Ok now forgive me if Im way of base here.
From what you said about trying to make the holiday amazing for him, fair play. But his ego is damaged and maybe the mollycoddling made him feel clausterphobic (sp?) and like you felt that you had to do everything to help him, but he has to do things for himself. Im guessing that his mates dont sit around thinking ah poor him and just get on with things and probably dont even mention his job and perhaps you mention it a fair bit.

Now there's no excuse for him lashing out at you, but I can understand it. I have to say this line screamed out to me "I told him he was going to have to reprioritise if he was going to keep me happy." FFS I hope that you didn't put it like that to him because that is selfish. Ok yes you are not feeling great cos he's not making time for you, but his world has just changed, he lost his job.

Look i think that you need to sit down with him (without ultimatums most importantly) and just ask him how he is feeling. Dont jump in if you feel insulyed. Just let him talk about whats on his mind. And for gods sake DONT do it over the phone, thats a recipe for disaster.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Im beginning to despise the relationship I have with my boyfriend.

Not my boyfriend - I love him to pieces. There's just been some major changes lately.

Started about 2 months ago, when on hol together we found out he had lost his job - que devestation. I did whatever I could to make the holiday great for him anyway, tried my best. Now we get home and suddenly he's drawing away from me.

He's got bits of jobs all over the place, and basically seems to have no time for me anymore. Constantly with his mates, "helping them out". I'm lonely. We used to see each other so much and Im used to this. It feels like everything has turned upside down in our relationship.

Today I rang him and drew the line with him. I told him he was going to have to reprioritise if he was going to keep me happy. Maybe this is selfish of me??? But i don't want to be in a relationship where im not happy and I think I need to be selfish about it.

Basically he told me to deal with it or leave. I was a bit gutted but he claimed that I was treating him like a dog, ordering him around, I told him in response that I didnt want to be a part time girlfriend when it suited him. I dont know whether to get out or not. I love him so much and would spend every minute of every day with im and it really really hurts me that he doesnt feel the same way. Its as if he is pulling away from me. Any advice before i make my decision?

If you love him OP then you would not be so demanding - or so unreasonable. He has lost his job and is working desperately to make ends meat - but all you can think of is your time with him ? What does this sound like ?
This damned economy is doing this to thousands and thousands of couples.
When times are tough if you love someone you stick with them and do whatever needs to be done.

All the best

Wurly

VaioCruiser wrote: »

If you love him OP then you would not be so demanding - or so unreasonable. He has lost his job and is working desperately to make ends meat - but all you can think of is your time with him ? What does this sound like ?
This damned economy is doing this to thousands and thousands of couples.
When times are tough if you love someone you stick with them and do whatever needs to be done.

All the best

Yeah - to be honest OP, i'd do more talking and less ordering. I don't mean that to be harsh but up until that phonecall, you'd said nothing to him about how you were feeling. Then you kinda exploded with an 'all or nothing' type statement. I can see why he snapped in that moment.

As a previous poster said, his ego is damaged. Men like to feel needed and like to provide for the people they love. He's trying to do this by taking work where he can get it. He's trying.

There have been a fair few threads on here about OH's losing their jobs and sitting on their arses all day. He's not doing that.

If I were you, i'd start off by telling him how proud you are of him - taking all these jobs and not arsing about. Suggest more time together as you love him etc etc.

Don't resort to one liner rants or ultimatums. It won't work in your favour - I promise you that.

When you speak to him next, just say that you'd a sh1tty day and can you both just forget about the argument you had. Draw a line under it and try the above advice.

Remember that no-one is a mind reader. He was not aware there was a problem. It's up to you to tell him that there is. But it's all about the delivery too.

Best of luck. Don't throw your relationship away over this.

jmbkay

Hes possibly feeling a little worthless at the moment, and trying to keep really busy. Maybe give him some time to find his feet and if his old self doesnt come back to you, have a rethink