Where Did My Mojo Go?!

Denisejcc

Hi everyone!

Ok, I need help I am in my early 30's and single which is fine BUT any time I am out in pubs etc and a guy is chatting to me I just cant be bothered with him no matter how nice he is. A few years ago I would have made an effort but these days I dont even give them a chance!

Take last night for example.. I end up getting lectured by married guys and gay guys as to why I am not with someone, according to them I am attractive, slim etc but then again thats what beer goggles do! I know you wont see this as a major problem but I am very lonely but not one of those women who settle just for the sake of having a man! Anyway, I will stop waffling, would be interested in hearing what you think! Please dont abuse me though!!! :rolleyes:

TURRICAN

my guess is that u have been hurt maybe in a relationship before and u were left feeling a bit low in self confidence.
also if you find yourself in pubs etc and u cant be bothered talking to people,is this the fact that u know people can be different when they have drink in them and you can see this ,and maybe dont like it.

i could be way off the mark and i dont mean any harm so sorry if i have.

Denisejcc

No, I dont think you are way off the mark there.... I dont have any confidence really once I know the guy is single I can never understand why he is bothering talking to me and when I get compliments I just assume they are taking the p*ss! Just dont know how to pretend I am confident! Im no wallflower though I boogie away on the dancefloor and all that but run a mile from men, which is the total opposite of what I want to do! Sorry, rambling on again, state of mind, very confused and fed up!!!!

Eve_Dublin

You have low self-esteem, Denise but I think you might recognise that already (if you don't, read back on the post above). Been there myself after a broken heart and like yourself, couldn't have been bothered talking to men who'd approach me because I'd be suspicious as to why they're talking to me in the first place...didn't feel I was worth making an effort with etc etc. I felt their hearts weren't in it so why should mine be.

You have to learn to like yourself so you'll feel worthy of the admiration of others...how you go about that I don't know because my own self-esteem is up and down depending on where I am in my life but at the moment, I'm feeling good about myself and the reason for this is because I'm eating healthy, I've got a longish-term plan, I'm studying Spanish and a TEFL course, I bought a new pair of boots that go with everything (sorry but sometimes it's the little things) and I'm keeping busy meeting friends I have a laugh with etc. I personally find the more time I put into 'bettering' myself and my circumstances, the more I'm proud of myself for what I've achieved and the better I feel about myself generally. It's a pretty simple equation OP. You HAVE to love yourself before you can love someone else...cliche-arama but it's the truth and there's no getting away from it.

Saying all that and I know this happened myself in the last few years (I'm 29)...I don't fall for the 'charm' of strangers as easily as I used to. I want something with a bit more substance than what I did in my early twenties. I'll be polite and chat away but if someone didn't grab me personality-wise and just churn out compliment after compliment, I'd probably make my excuses and leave whereas I might not have been that picky back in the day. I don't know...I've grown a bit cynical about meeting potential relationship material in bars at this stage..I'm a little bit jaded with it all..maybe this is the case for you too.

Soul Stretcher

As a 30 yr old man who has never had a GF, I'm going to suggest this:

• For all the talk of Irish sociability (gift of the gab etc), I think in Ireland in 2009 there are thousands of single men and women who are not connecting simply because they have no clue how to "break the ice".
• Especially people in their 30s... who may be just sick to their back teeth of abortive efforts at chatting up in pubs/clubs...
• Sometimes I think it would be great if Mammy of Boy A said to Mammy of Girl B "Our two would make a right pair - let's get them together !!" - Now I'm kidding about the Mammy part obviously I just trying to make a point
• Point being that a lot of Irish people are clueless/unskilled (myself included) about the whole area of wooing(what a word :eek:), courtship and seduction...

I would love to for some sophisticated Mediterranean Lothario to give me a few tips !!!

Op.... Just trying to say you're not alone..... even if I'm on the opposite side of the fence from you .... In that I could be one of those guys approaching you who you have no interest in/don't take seriously..

Denisejcc

Thanks for your comments Eve, funny you should say that because I have been looking into taking up a sport and maybe night classes in something to give me a new lease of life! Maybe Im just on the downer that follows after last nights session but you know yourself when you sit down and think about life,love etc its never a good idea!!
I will definitely try and work on confidence but like you say there is no formula to follow to increase it! And youre right sometimes a new top, shoes, handbag is enough to send the confidence sky high.... retail therapy the answer to everything

Denisejcc

OOOOoooohhhh,,,, youre making me feel like a total bi*ch now SS!!!! For the record I would never knowingly insult or snub the guy I just dont want to waste their time or my time when I know its never going to go anywhere! So if you are ever snubbed by someone lke me in a bar, rest assured it is their problem and not yours!

Soul Stretcher

Really wasn't trying to make you feel like a bxxtch !!

Just pointing out that there are loads of single men out there with similar issues - such as low self esteem maybe, cluelessness about how to build attractiion effectively, how to get the attention of someone, make them curious etc

I realise the skill-set a woman needs to get a man is TOTALLY different from the skill-set a man needs to get a woman...

Just saying there are loads of men out there who are the "male equivalent" of you... in terms of feeling the way you do at the moment..

Eve_Dublin

Denisejcc wrote: »

Thanks for your comments Eve, funny you should say that because I have been looking into taking up a sport and maybe night classes in something to give me a new lease of life! Maybe Im just on the downer that follows after last nights session but you know yourself when you sit down and think about life,love etc its never a good idea!!
I will definitely try and work on confidence but like you say there is no formula to follow to increase it! And youre right sometimes a new top, shoes, handbag is enough to send the confidence sky high.... retail therapy the answer to everything

Yeah but the confidence you get from retail therapy is short-lived and in fairness, our ability to buy a nice pair of shoes or a new bag is not really something to be proud of. I'm not knocking retail therapy but the solution a lot of magazines give us females to combating our low self-esteem is to make ourselves look gorgeous and our confidence levels with rise through the roof, apparently. I wouldn't disagree that looking good does help but I'm guessing you're a bit more intelligent than that. If I look good, I feel good, course I do but ultimately, I'll feel it's all a bit superficial if I don't try and develop myself in other aspects. This is only building on the self-esteem of my physical appearance and not what I'm about personality-wise. I feel a lot more confident talking to men when I know I have plenty of interesting stuff to talk about AND when I think I look good.

But you get the idea. I know how you feel though.

Denisejcc

Ah I know you werent trying to SS dont worry. Just dont want guys to think Im horrible for not talking to them.

Its tough out there isnt it! :rolleyes:

Soul Stretcher

Its tough out there isnt it! :rolleyes:[/quote]

Yeah... which is why we need the help of our Mammies !! lol :pac:

Denisejcc

Thats the other thing Eve , men seem to get intimidated easily too when they realise there is an intelligent brain in there too capable of conversation!!

Eve_Dublin

Denisejcc wrote: »

OOOOoooohhhh,,,, youre making me feel like a total bi*ch now SS!!!! For the record I would never knowingly insult or snub the guy I just dont want to waste their time or my time when I know its never going to go anywhere! So if you are ever snubbed by someone lke me in a bar, rest assured it is their problem and not yours!

Ah now in fairness I read his post and that wasn't the impression I got from it!! I think he was trying to empathise with you instead of attacking you and just letting you know males feel the same way too. But I understand you're probably a bit sensitive about this issue if it's bothering you so much...

Denisejcc

As for internet dating,,, Jeez, dont get me started on that!! Absolute disaster, it seems to be a stalkers paradise! Did that for couple of months a few years ago, other users woudl see you chatting to someone and then they would start to pm you to tell you hes this that and the other, broke my friends heart etc!!! Was like a schoolyard! Gave up on that too!

wylo

OP have you had your heart really broken by someone? Just wondering because i think it may be valid to whats going on.

Denisejcc

No, I actually havent had my heart broken but have always been rubbish with relationships!!Find it really hard to give up my time and space!! But then having said that, any holidays Ive been on with men have always gone really well! I think I am just generally hard work!!:rolleyes:

What does OP mean by the way? Sorry, Im a newbie!!

Eve_Dublin

Denisejcc wrote: »

No, I actually havent had my heart broken but have always been rubbish with relationships!!Find it really hard to give up my time and space!! But then having said that, any holidays Ive been on with men have always gone really well! I think I am just generally hard work!!:rolleyes:

What does OP mean by the way? Sorry, Im a newbie!!

OP = Original Poster...the person who starts a thread or the discussion. You're the OP!

Denisejcc

Thanks Eve!!!:rolleyes: bit slow today maybe!!

Salome

Your lack of interest in meeting someone may be a self defence mechanism so you can avoid the realities of a relationship.

Sometimes it's easier to be single.

I was pretty much like that once. It really does need a real change of mindset to open yourself up to a new relationship. I'm not sure you've got that mindset at the moment, it is possible but you've got to want it to happen.

Denisejcc

I think it is a defence machanism actually. Going to have to snap out of it I think, easier said than done though...Bars and clubs are not the place to meet someone anyway thats for sure

Salome

Bars and clubs are definitely NOT the way - give internet dating another go or join some clubs/groups that might help to meet new people.

I met my OH online as I'm not the type to meet men in pubs or clubs.

But your heart has to be in it. Good luck though.

LegacyUser

sounds like your heard isn't in it. I echo the sentiments that bars and clubs are not the place to go. you need to find something that you can put your heart into

BusterHighman

Denisejcc wrote: »

according to them I am attractive, slim etc but then again thats what beer goggles do!

Well the low self esteem is very obvious from your first post OP and the fact you recognize that is certainly helpful but I think it is only part of the issue. There also seems to be an air of disinterest as has been suggested.

If you could try to meet people in classes or at other activities that you actually have an interest then at least you could relate to those approaching you on some level and actually be interested in the conversations as opposed to just participating in them.

Hook ups from within or by your friends should also be a good route to go as typically these are people known by your friends and those friends should also know you well enough to know what you are after. Thing is it sounds like you're just more interested in actually getting into a very relaxed relationship moreso than what people typically go to clubs for...

I think there may be a grey area you have to figure out for yourself though in terms of what the loneliness you feel is; is it intimacy, love, compassion or what have you. Once you understand yourself it will be a lot easier to find who and what you are after. It's out there, you just have to put yourself out there too to get it and make sure you enjoy yourself as much as possible while you do.