Big lie to my mother, stressful!

LegacyUser

OK, this is a complicated issue but I'm going to say it in a nutshell. I dropped out of college 2 years ago but didn't tell my mother (i hated the course but my mother would have been so disappointed). Cue 2 years later and i want to go back and finish my degree. Accepted back into the college. Problem : money. I talked to the bank and they have no problem giving me an overdraft, (which I can't go back to college without)... problem is, I need guarantor and my mother is the only one I have.

let me explain further. my mother thinks I am qualified and have my degree (i made a fake degree and gave it to her). I have lied continually over the past 2 years when she has asked me how it's going in college etc. I only did it because i didn't want to disappoint her. Wanted to make her happy.

If I asked her to be a guarantor, I could tell her I just wanted extra cash and the bank will give it if shes a guarantor. She would have no problem with that. I told her I am going back to college to do a masters this year so she still wouldn't know i am an undergrad. The problem is, if she sees on the form she signs that I am requesting an overdraft and am still an undergrad (not sure that is on the forms, maybe not?) either way, it's a bit dodgy because she'll have to come in to the bank and sign a form. if I talked to the person giving the loan and told them that I would prefer if they didn't tell my mother I am an undergrad, they might not agree.... at the end of the day, all the bank is concerned about is if my mother is good for the money if I'm not... right??!!

I am definitely going back to college one way or the other... if it comes down to it and I have to do it, I will come clean. but my mother has just been diagnosed with cancer, and this would shatter her. she would lose a lot of trust in me and be really disappointed...


AHHHHH!!!!!

philologos

If you hadn't dug yourself such a big hole with the fake degree, and then with the masters, this would have been a lot easier for you. This post is a testament, not to lie it only gets you into big trouble in the end! What are the rules concerning who can guarantee your loan?

Xiney

Honey, lying to your mother is one thing.

But lying to your mother to get her to sign forms as a guarantor on a loan? That's pure evil.




It's about time you graduate to adulthood. Either come clean or don't, but don't get your mother on the hook for your loan under false pretences. That's fraud - and doing it to your own mum? Terrible.

CDfm

What a mess. You will need to come clean sometime. You dont mention your father -where does he fit in and can you speak to him.

You cant have a great relationship with your mother if you can't discuss ordinary stuff like this.While you lied you did so to avoid her reaction that may have been extreme.

Do you have a family member who you can discuss this with and broach the subject probably as an ally in dealing with your mother and who is not as intimidated as you are of her.

Wacker

Face it: your lie is probably going to come out sooner or later. Your mother having just been diagnosed with cancer is awful (you have my sympathies), but you have to realize that you're just procrastinating by not telling her the truth now. What if your mother is quite weak a year from now, and the truth comes out despite your continued efforts to control it? That would be far more shattering than you telling her yourself, in my opinion.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

While I think the op needs to tell his mother, it's really not the time to drop a bombshell like that on the poor woman. She's just been diagnosed with cancer & has all the worries of that going on so it would be unfair to have this to contend with now. OP can anybody else go guarantor for you? Or can you work and do the course by night instead?

StormWarrior

Which bank are you with? I don't understand why you need a guarantor for a student overdraft. I'm with lloyds tsb and I had a basic student overdraft of £1500, which I later increased to £2900, they never asked me for a guarantor. My sister is with natwest, she got her student overdraft without a guarantor. Do you have bad credit or something?

So, if you're finishing your undergrad course and your mum thinks you're doing a masters, does that mean you'll give her a fake masters certificate a year from now? Didn't she want to attend your graduation? The more you lie, the worse this gets. If I was you I would just bite the bullet and come totally clean right now. She doesn't need to be devastated, you are completing your degree after all. Wouldn't you rather just come clean and have an open relationship with your mother after all?

Dan Chipowski

No sympathy for you at all, you might as well come clean.

You made up a 'fake degree' and gave it to her? Shocking stuff in fairness.

beggars_bush

nobody else who can go guarantor on a loan - friend, relative?

PS. i would not get an overdraft - very expensive with interest rate. get long term personal loan from credit union or bank

StormWarrior

Most banks give interest-free overdrafts to students.

LegacyUser

OP here. The bank won't give me the overdraft interest free because I have been in and out of work for the past year and have a small credit card debt (400). However, that was just one girl I was talking to on the phone, maybe I'll get a different opinion if I go in to the bank and talk face to face.

As for my mother, yes I am planning on giving her a fake masters in one year (if shes alive that long). Not that hard to make to be honest. Shes a simple woman and is happy to see me doing well. If I had told her I was dropping out of college she would have stressed out and been not only disappointed but worried about me etc. I just didn't want to worry her or stress her as she is getting quite frail. I didn't make this lie for myself, I did it for her. And I have had to suffer the consequences of it (it's a heavy thing to carry around)because I want her to be happy.

She is the only one I have who could go guarantor. Keep in mind, I will be working solidly to pay this off and she'll never have to pay a cent towards it.

Talking to a friend of mine and he was saying that the bank won't care what year I am in or going into as long as I show some proof that I am going into the next year of my degree. So I'll show up at the bank and let the lady know I am back in my degree (show her the documentation) and tell her my mother is coming up to sign the forms. Once we are there to sign the forms, I'll tell my mother I have to go really quickly so just to sign the forms and get out. Should work well. I'll take my chances.

I'll have my degree next year and then move on and do what I want to do and this chapter will be closed in my life and my mother will still be happy and proud and be well able to focus on beating the cancer, rather than replaying all those separate times I lied to her in her mind.

DapperGent

Yeah everything is bound to be totally fine if you just keep lieing.

Salome

Oh, so all the lies are for your mother's benefit?

Shocking stuff. I'm appalled that you are even asking your mother for any money, given her situation and the comment "if she's alive that long" is just disgusting.

Get a job and save the money to cover your lies. And grow up.

tinkerbell

This is YOUR problem, not your mother's. If you hadn't been so manipulative and lying so much to her then you wouldn't be in this mess. Do not ask your mother to be a guarantor under false pretences.

If you are this childish still then you aren't even mature enough to go to college. Grow up and stop acting like a child. Work for a year and save up like mad and then go back to college when you can afford it.

Oryx

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. The bank won't give me the overdraft interest free because I have been in and out of work for the past year and have a small credit card debt (400). However, that was just one girl I was talking to on the phone, maybe I'll get a different opinion if I go in to the bank and talk face to face.

As for my mother, yes I am planning on giving her a fake masters in one year (if shes alive that long). Not that hard to make to be honest. Shes a simple woman and is happy to see me doing well. If I had told her I was dropping out of college she would have stressed out and been not only disappointed but worried about me etc. I just didn't want to worry her or stress her as she is getting quite frail. I didn't make this lie for myself, I did it for her. And I have had to suffer the consequences of it (it's a heavy thing to carry around)because I want her to be happy.

She is the only one I have who could go guarantor. Keep in mind, I will be working solidly to pay this off and she'll never have to pay a cent towards it.

Talking to a friend of mine and he was saying that the bank won't care what year I am in or going into as long as I show some proof that I am going into the next year of my degree. So I'll show up at the bank and let the lady know I am back in my degree (show her the documentation) and tell her my mother is coming up to sign the forms. Once we are there to sign the forms, I'll tell my mother I have to go really quickly so just to sign the forms and get out. Should work well. I'll take my chances.

I'll have my degree next year and then move on and do what I want to do and this chapter will be closed in my life and my mother will still be happy and proud and be well able to focus on beating the cancer, rather than replaying all those separate times I lied to her in her mind.

You are lying to us, too.

Fudging the truth, trying to make it sound kosher, and sure you did it for someone else. Really. Youre not a scumbag at all - its to make your poor mum happy.

Sounds to me like you'll keep on telling it whatever way you can that keeps you smelling of roses. To us, to your mum. You dont give a toss about lying to your ma, you just care about not getting caught. If you did care, you wouldnt have let it get this big, or this messy. And you sure as hell wouldnt be getting a sick woman to sign as a guarantor. (Can someone with a life threatening illness sign as guarantor anyway?) You dont seem to care as long as you get your finances sorted.

The crass way you throw out the remark 'if shes alive that long' is truly shocking. Maybe you just write that way, but I dont see an ounce of the care and concern you go on about, anywhere in your posts.

My idea? Grow the hell up and start behaving like the world does not only revolve around you and your issues. Tell your mother. Cos the biggest and probably only thing she will care about is that you lied, not that you failed to graduate. Apologise profusely. Show in words and deeds that you are sorry. This could come out at any time, and yes she sick so there may never be a good or right time. Times now to do it. Put away the sham concern for her feelings and actually behave like you truly care about them.

fintonie

Tell because if you don't and your mother dies not knowing, you will have giving yourself a life sentence of guilt, (cancer is not a death sentence these days)

How long have you been thinking about going back to college, is it only since you heard the news about your mum, if this is the case you may once again be making a bad decision,

to start the course only to realize half way through it, you were only doing it to be seen to be doing the right thing and you wanted to quit, then you will have the debt from the bank,

do you live beyond your means you have a debt of 400 already, there is nothing worse than starting your adult life with loads of debt,

this is your mum tell her, then you can help her through the illness, without the guilt ridden head, you will build a new bond with her and be thankful for it,

she will forgive you she is your mother, at least give her the chance to do this, there is nothing so bad it can not be fixed but you are the only one who can fix it. Good luck with it I think from reading these replies you know there is only one thing to do.

LegacyUser

stressedout9000 wrote: »

OK, this is a complicated issue but I'm going to say it in a nutshell. I dropped out of college 2 years ago but didn't tell my mother (i hated the course but my mother would have been so disappointed). Cue 2 years later and i want to go back and finish my degree. Accepted back into the college. Problem : money. I talked to the bank and they have no problem giving me an overdraft, (which I can't go back to college without)... problem is, I need guarantor and my mother is the only one I have.

let me explain further. my mother thinks I am qualified and have my degree (i made a fake degree and gave it to her). I have lied continually over the past 2 years when she has asked me how it's going in college etc. I only did it because i didn't want to disappoint her. Wanted to make her happy.

If I asked her to be a guarantor, I could tell her I just wanted extra cash and the bank will give it if shes a guarantor. She would have no problem with that. I told her I am going back to college to do a masters this year so she still wouldn't know i am an undergrad. The problem is, if she sees on the form she signs that I am requesting an overdraft and am still an undergrad (not sure that is on the forms, maybe not?) either way, it's a bit dodgy because she'll have to come in to the bank and sign a form. if I talked to the person giving the loan and told them that I would prefer if they didn't tell my mother I am an undergrad, they might not agree.... at the end of the day, all the bank is concerned about is if my mother is good for the money if I'm not... right??!!

I am definitely going back to college one way or the other... if it comes down to it and I have to do it, I will come clean. but my mother has just been diagnosed with cancer, and this would shatter her. she would lose a lot of trust in me and be really disappointed...


AHHHHH!!!!!

You seem to be sooo good at lieing, why dont you hire someone to go in a pretend to be your mother in the bank

tbh you make me sick, if this isnt a troll you deserve to be locked up in prison. Even hardened criminals tell there mums when they are caught.

CDfm

OP - I would like to know why the big lie??

The reasons that you have give do seem a bit flimsy.

What are you not saying like how have you spent the last 2 years and have you gotten other money off her for education related stuff?

The reason Im asking is that you shouold be able to tell your parents if you drop out of college. I can imagine not saying it if the reaction would be extreme but I also can imagine not saying it if you had done something like gotten money for college stuff like books etc during the interim. Do you get what I am saying?

wasper

stressedout9000 wrote: »

OK, this is a complicated issue but I'm going to say it in a nutshell. I dropped out of college 2 years ago but didn't tell my mother (i hated the course but my mother would have been so disappointed). Cue 2 years later and i want to go back and finish my degree. Accepted back into the college. Problem : money. I talked to the bank and they have no problem giving me an overdraft, (which I can't go back to college without)... problem is, I need guarantor and my mother is the only one I have.

let me explain further. my mother thinks I am qualified and have my degree (i made a fake degree and gave it to her). I have lied continually over the past 2 years when she has asked me how it's going in college etc. I only did it because i didn't want to disappoint her. Wanted to make her happy.

If I asked her to be a guarantor, I could tell her I just wanted extra cash and the bank will give it if shes a guarantor. She would have no problem with that. I told her I am going back to college to do a masters this year so she still wouldn't know i am an undergrad. The problem is, if she sees on the form she signs that I am requesting an overdraft and am still an undergrad (not sure that is on the forms, maybe not?) either way, it's a bit dodgy because she'll have to come in to the bank and sign a form. if I talked to the person giving the loan and told them that I would prefer if they didn't tell my mother I am an undergrad, they might not agree.... at the end of the day, all the bank is concerned about is if my mother is good for the money if I'm not... right??!!

I am definitely going back to college one way or the other... if it comes down to it and I have to do it, I will come clean. but my mother has just been diagnosed with cancer, and this would shatter her. she would lose a lot of trust in me and be really disappointed...


AHHHHH!!!!!

You are still behaving like a child. You lie to cover previous lies & you are entering a maze of lies. be a man for once & face the music. Tell your mother everything.

JonathanAnon

I too left college, but I did tell my parents. I went back to complete it also a few years later. You went to great lengths to cover your tracks. Making a fake degree is really bad.

You can redeem yourself, but NOT asking them for a loan and getting the money by working a ****ty job part time. Then you will have a your real degree without asking anything from your parents, and you can all laugh about the fake degree in ten years time.

PS. Alternatively you could tell your ma that you need the money for your masters degree, and print out a fake masters degree at the end of the year .. ;-)

CDfm

Can you apply to colleges in the UK or NI and avail of their loans or grant systems?

LegacyUser

OP here. I've never asked my mother for anything or gotten any money off her for college. I have been doing my own things for the past 2 years, developing a part of my life that needed developing and working on other things. My mother has always put pressure on me schoolwise and it was always something i resented. i didn't get the points i needed for the course i wanted to do and i wanted to repeat the LC but she forced me to go into the course in college and i was weak enough to go through with it instead of listening to my heart. i hated every day of the course and i don't know how i got through a few years of it. now i am getting my degree, which will make it easier to get into the course i want to get into once i have it. my mother has always put schoolwork paramount and, while i understand people are saying i should tell her, they don't know the type of woman she is like I do. that said, i will tell her if it comes down to it and i think she would still sign off on the guarantor bit. it's a sad situation, she was only trying to help, but instead she did the opposite. of course, i am in the wrong but believe me, it's not something i wanted to do, it's something i had to do. anyway, this thread isn't beneficial and i think i made a mistake posting it.


mods please close the thread.

chocgirl

How did you get around the graduation? I remember one of our lecturers saying on our last day of college that the graduation ceremony isn't for us it's for our parents and not to forget that. I think she had a point.

Anyway personally I think that now isn't the time to be coming clean and worrying your mother when she's ill. You wouldn't be coming clean if you didn't need the money would you?

Is there really no other way you can get the money?Siblings, friends, part time job to keep you tiding over. Most colleges don't require all the money upfront, or, you could do the responsible thing and take a year out and save enough to get you through.

CDfm

OP - good look with it. I can really understand the type of pressure your mother put you under and actually don't think the lie was such a big deal.I have a 19 yo son. You havent used it to defraud anyone or anything like that.The pressure must have been really intense.She seems to have used emotional blackmail to get you to go to college and you went but for the wrong reasons.

I do think you felt obligated to provide your mother with a degree and thats what you did and it got her off your back.The shock of finding out you dont have a degree wont kill her though it might upset her and her pride will be hurt.It is funny and creative and it provided a short term solution.

Its not going to affect her health one bit that you havent got your degree or that you "lied"( hid the truth from her) to her. If you doubt that ring up her GP and ask.

Don't feel guilty though. There is a book called Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward that goes thru strategies on how to deal with this type of relationship.This will help you deal with the stuff and pressure from her.As they say in the movies - no animals got hurt during the making of this production but a cat got sick - no big deal.She also does a book Toxic Parents and you can get them in libraries.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

My advice - well tell her to get the form signed if thats what you need - but if there was another option like an uncle aunt or whoever you could go to that would be preferable.

So there are probably 2 options you can take with your mother. Tackle the relationship issue and get her to sign the form remembering the emotional issues are about her and not you and while they are distasteful you can deal with them. Cue to a better future relationship.

The other option is to fess up out of "guilt" and tell her you want to go back to college and finish the degree for her. Say you just need her to sign the form. You get your "guilt" trip and she gets you doing what she wants.

I wish you luck either way but dont feel guilty about what you have done.In context - a priest I know this weekend is dealing with a guy who is leaving the seminary as a he didn't want to become a priest and can't go home so he is staying with my friend.

You do sound like a nice guy and are worried about your mother. You are on the right track of planning forward to get the things you want.

Best of luck.

fintonie

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. I've never asked my mother for anything or gotten any money off her for college. I have been doing my own things for the past 2 years, developing a part of my life that needed developing and working on other things. My mother has always put pressure on me schoolwise and it was always something i resented. i didn't get the points i needed for the course i wanted to do and i wanted to repeat the LC but she forced me to go into the course in college and i was weak enough to go through with it instead of listening to my heart. i hated every day of the course and i don't know how i got through a few years of it. now i am getting my degree, which will make it easier to get into the course i want to get into once i have it. my mother has always put schoolwork paramount and, while i understand people are saying i should tell her, they don't know the type of woman she is like I do. that said, i will tell her if it comes down to it and i think she would still sign off on the guarantor bit. it's a sad situation, she was only trying to help, but instead she did the opposite. of course, i am in the wrong but believe me, it's not something i wanted to do, it's something i had to do. anyway, this thread isn't beneficial and i think i made a mistake posting it.


mods please close the thread.

Believe I was one of those parents, and I pushed my daughter in her education choice, then she left college saying nothing,

when she told me 8mts later yes I was pissed off but it only lasted for a couple of hrs, then we sat down and tried to figure out what she wanted to do for the future,

it will work out for you, most of these pushy parent types know what there doing and hope its for the best, when they see its not working they tend to try to help you find what you want to do rather than do nothing.

as I said before it will work out and seem such a small thing in yrs to come.

dudara

Closed at OPs request

dudara