How to take the edge off Desire?

LegacyUser

Hi All

30 yr old Single man. The Lowdown:

1. Never had a gf.
2. Have had sex but has been with "professionals".
3. Last time had sex was Sept 2008.
4. Have decided that next time I have sex it will be with a woman who wants to have sex with me...

The problem:

I'm coming up on a year's anniversary since I last had sex with an escort and I'm feeling good about that. I want to put that sexual outlet behind me and focus on the normal avenues ... in a relationship or ONS...

However I was in Dublin yesterday and feeling particulary randy (I've always had a high sex drive) and found myself in an Internet Cafe looking up escort sites with a view to meeting one. I didn't meet any and am delighted with that. Afterwards I would have been gutted that I blew my fast from professionals so the speak....

My question is how does a single man in Ireland today, who is not good at attracting strangers for NSA, deal with a powerful libido ???????? I know masturbation is an outlet and, believe me, I'm well-skilled at that ! :-) But sometimes self-pleasure just doesn't quench the thirst and I yearn to actually feel another human being's body close to mine...

Emmm... I know that some women may disagree with the following assertion but I think if I was a woman, I would have an easier time getting ONS... go to a club, dress provocatively, be receptive to even the drunken louts and I'd get sex pretty easily...

Physically I don't think I'm a beacon of sexual prowess to women. I have prominent ears, am tall and slightly built, carry a few extra pounds, have receding hair etc....

I read posts here about ONS and Fxxxbuddy situations and think I'd love to be involved in some of that !!!

I'm actually quite content being single. I don't yearn for a relationship as much as I yearn for a sex-life. Is wanting regular sex a good enough reason for forming a relationship with someone ? Maybe I'm being naive in not seeing that's how a lot of relationships start ?

I am working on my general life... I've started 2 new hobbies recently, I'm gonna be running marathons next Spring, I'm doing a short course in September in something I'm passionate about....

I guess I'm just living what the singer Morrissey says in his song "I have forgiven Jesus" where he asks Jesus doesn he hate him (Morrissey) because he gave him so much desire and nowhere to offload it....

hmmm..... semi-rant over... :-)

Suggestions more than welcome !! l

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Emmm... I know that some women may disagree with the following assertion but I think if I was a woman, I would have an easier time getting ONS... go to a club, dress provocatively, be receptive to even the drunken louts and I'd get sex pretty easily...


I read posts here about ONS and Fxxxbuddy situations and think I'd love to be involved in some of that !!!

Wouldn't we all?

Yeah, it's easier for women to get NSA sex, but you're not a woman so... not a lot you can do about that!

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm actually quite content being single. I don't yearn for a relationship as much as I yearn for a sex-life. Is wanting regular sex a good enough reason for forming a relationship with someone ? Maybe I'm being naive in not seeing that's how a lot of relationships start ?

Yep, that's a good enough reason... as long as that's what the other person wants too. Have you tried online dating? Plenty of people getting plenty of NSA sex from there...

LegacyUser

Yeah I tried online-dating a couple of years ago....

Actually went to visit a woman in England.... had a nice weekend... I didn't think we were going to get it on... so hmm hmm I took care of matters myself... an hour later.... she makes a move on me and I couldn't get it up because I had only recently taken care of that ! hehe... funny now that I think of it ! That was a lot of work... emailing back and forth... phone-calls etc.... yeah... maybe I'll have a go at that again... I think I just got tired of getting 1 reply from 100 attempts to say hi.... The women are definitley in control (as they should be) and for the men it is a game of numbers.... say hi to 100 women and hope one of them takes the bait.... not as spontaneous as I would like.... but beggars can't be choosers ?? (God.. I hate thinking of myself as a beggar/desperate).

Yesterday, in Dublin, I got a professional massage from a lovely woman and it felt SO SO good to feel a woman's hands on my body..... I guess it reignited a burning desire in me for more of that....

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah I tried online-dating a couple of years ago....

Actually went to visit a woman in England.... had a nice weekend... I didn't think we were going to get it on... so hmm hmm I took care of matters myself... an hour later.... she makes a move on me and I couldn't get it up because I had only recently taken care of that ! hehe... funny now that I think of it ! That was a lot of work... emailing back and forth... phone-calls etc.... yeah... maybe I'll have a go at that again... I think I just got tired of getting 1 reply from 100 attempts to say hi.... The women are definitley in control (as they should be) and for the men it is a game of numbers.... say hi to 100 women and hope one of them takes the bait.... not as spontaneous as I would like.... but beggars can't be choosers ?? (God.. I hate thinking of myself as a beggar/desperate).

Yesterday, in Dublin, I got a professional massage from a lovely woman and it felt SO SO good to feel a woman's hands on my body..... I guess it reignited a burning desire in me for more of that....

Well, if you're just saying "Hi", then you're not going to get many responses, tbh. You need to engage a woman's brain before you get into her pants. True fact. If you don't catch her attention in that very first mail, you're getting nowhere. So just "hi" isn't going to cut it online.

Show a little of yourself, your humour, your intelligence, your talent, whatever it is that makes you you. Don't limit yourself to "just sex" either. Make it your aim to just connect with someone... setting out to get laid isn't going to get you anywhere.

The good thing for you is internet dating in Ireland has really taken off in the past few years, and people are much more familiar with it. You sound like a decent bloke, as long as you're reasonably upfront with women you should get on ok! Maybe don't mention about the escorts though, cos women freak out about that sort of stuff.

LegacyUser

Step 1 Go to your local travel agents
Step 2 Book a holiday to Thailand Bangkok, Koh Samui, Phuket...
Dont be afraid of going on your own as soon as you get there you will not
Be!!!

It worked for me went over there a year and a half ago met a lovely girl
she has been over here and i have been over there several times,, hopefully
getting married soon!! Life is great......

TomBeckett

Unregistered wrote: »

Step 1 Go to your local travel agents
Step 2 Book a holiday to Thailand Bangkok, Koh Samui, Phuket...
Dont be afraid of going on your own as soon as you get there you will not
Be!!!

It worked for me went over there a year and a half ago met a lovely girl
she has been over here and i have been over there several times,, hopefully
getting married soon!! Life is great......

Yes I would have to agree!!
My Girlfriend is Thai. We met last xmas in Koh Samui. She is coming over
here in a few weeks as soon as she gets a holiday visa which is not that easy
but thats another matter!!. We talk/text each other everyday love each other to bits.."Phone bills can be high alright:eek:"
Thai Women are lovely so genuine really sexy too:P

PK2008

You're running marathons, you're doing courses you are passionate about and you have decent taste in music (which also denotes a bit of intelligence and depth) and you're 30 (a great age for a man)- you've got loads going for you!!!

Theres absolutely nothing stopping you from getting girls, I reckon you're just stopping yourself, low self esteem maybe?

You're probaly not half as unattractive as you think you are- try to get a female friends advice on your style maybe, get some new clothes, get out on the town, start building your confidence.

Id hold off on the "Thai Bride" advice- no offense to the people who it does work for but tbh it reeks of desperation (passport bride and all that)

AARRRGH

OP why do you think you're unable to form relationships with women?

AckwelFoley

If you think you are unattractive you are unattractive.


Ive seen some of the ugliest guys on the face of gods green earth pull some decent looking women, why? Because they have confidence.

I think the first thing you need to do (and i dont mean to offend) but is to stop looking on women as a means to get control on your desires.. to be blunt.. as sex objects. I cant help but feel you subconsiuosly feel that way.

For every guy that feels like you i guarentee that there is equally as many women that want to find a guy to be in a relationship with.

Dont go looking for sex, go looking for a friend, i think you may be comming on too strong to women if you have purely the one focus, and as big a whore as i may have being in my past, i was never particularly attracted to pushey women. Im sure its the same for women.

LegacyUser

OP - you sound intelligent with a good sense of humour by your style of writing, so have more confidence in yourself. Try the internet dating again & show the personality you've shown here in your profile / e-mails. Good luck.

Novella

Yeah, if you are going out and basically treating women like they are just something to keep you satisfied in the bedroom, I'm not surprised many women don't seem to have an interest in you.

I'm not saying women aren't interested in having casual sex or that we wanna be treated like princesses but seriously, have a bit of respect! Try getting to know someone, just chatting and taking an interest in them because I feel you may be coming on a bit strongly. No one wants to feel that they are just being used so you can't expect to go out, meet a woman and say "Hey, let's have sex". Casual sex works when it is mutually wanted but a woman will probably need a bit of conversation or something before that.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys...

shellyboo... I did put quite a bit of time into the online thing.... you're right... saying "hi" isn't enough but I did quite a bit more than that.... everything up to composing poems in instant messages - that's what sealed the deal on being invited over to visit the lady in England ! :-)
I don't know I just feel I've been there, done that and am a bit reluctant to get into it again. I would love to get some "live" experience of wooing a girl the traditional way - face to face...

unregistered and TomBeckett.....yeah, you have a point... and I am really happy for you both that you have met someone special this way.... The thought has crossed my mind several times.... Thailand for a week of sex morning, noon and night !!!! Not disrespect to you guys intended, and I'm not suggesting this is how you met your OHs, but I still feel as if I was buying sex from girls, even if I did't pay them, just because of their perception of me as being a wealthy westerner (which I probably am on a baht to baht comparison).... I just want to meet a woman who is an equal .... one that I don't pay and one that doesn't see me a meal ticket out of where they are now (again not suggesting that this is what your OHs want... but it's a fear of mine if I went to Thailand).

PK2008.... Thanks ! (blush)... I think a reason I don't "score" is because I can be quite passive in social situations..... which I can understand women don't find attractive... I don't grab the centre of attention podium and don't draw attention to myself... I like being calm and just feeling the vibe... Maybe I can improve on this... be more outgoing...

AARRRGH ( great nickname btw).... I don't know.... I've only ever kissed two girls in a nightclub.... they were both friends of people I knew.... Forming a relationship has never presented itself as an option... These days the normal flow (correct me if I'm wrong) is to get chatting, snog the face off each other, meet again on a night out, perhaps engage in sexual acts, perhaps sleep together and then decide whether the two of ye want to be become an item.... I'm struggling with step 2 - getting to kiss a girl !!
I think I may be too nice... I'm quite good and open with chatting with strange girls... I can hold my own on most topics (most of the time !) and am good at tangenting from one topic to another to keep it alive and interesting... I could talk to a girl happily for 30 mins... and then look over and see a guy on the dancefloor walk up to girl, put his hand on her waist and snog her - and she reciprocating !! I just think "Wow"... I lack the killer instinct of just going in for the kiss.... believe it or not, I think it's a tad rude to just go in for the kiss if she hasn't shown she's wanting it too....

snyper.... yeah I think you are right... perhaps I do see women as sex objects..... Emm... this might sound terrible... but at this point in my life, that is all I want from a woman... you see I've been single my WHOLE life so I don't really know what I'm missing I guess.... I relax happily on my own, take up new hobbies on my own, do courses on holiday, holiday on my own (or with my best male friend) and do so not thinking "God I wish I had a gf to share this with"... I'm content with my life at the moment.... I just want to have sex a couple of times a week.... with a woman who fancies me... If I had no sex drive, I wouldn't have posted this thread at all....

tbh... I don't feel a need/want to make friends with women.... I am friendly with loads of women at work and can easily chat with them/flirt with them.... If I did go on a mission to make friends with women, I think it would be quite false in that I would be thinking "Ok... I'm gonna treat you like we both are asexual, and get to know you... and all in the hope that you will not think I am pushy/desperate and will in the next couple of months end up in my bed"..

LegacyUser

Just want to clarify that I don't have a desire to go out and make friends with women OVER making friends with men.... for me friendship (proper long-lasting friendship) is about shared interests and outlooks as opposed to someone being of the right gender.

Don't want to be seen as a woman-hater or woman-phobic when I'm not !

Eve_Dublin

Hey OP...I understand completely where you're coming from and I'm a woman. I feel the same as yourself usually after big relationships but you're right, it's easier for women.

From reading your messages you sound like a great fella...honest, upfront, and funny..three traits women go for in a man so be confident in this knowledge and...

Dare to be daring, OP. Go up to a woman you like , talk to her like you say you already do..ask her questions about herself and don't do all the talking, make her laugh (which judging from your post I think you could do easily), don't be shy and try and strike the balance between "nice" guy (women don't want one night stands with "nice" guys) and cheeky "bad boy". Engage in the conversation and give her all of your undivided attention but also give her her space own personal space and play it a little bit cool, compliment her occasionally but don't be sleazy about it and don't make it blatantly obvious that you're only after one thing (staring at her breasts when she's talking...letting your eyes glaze over when she speaks etc)...she could be too but I personally find good conversation the greatest aphrodisiac of them all no matter how average-looking the guy is. If you think you feel something there, ask her can you kiss her but again do it confidently and be a little bit cheeky about it (just don't fall into nice guy territory)

And finally try and enjoy the whole wooing process, OP. Don't just see it as a way to get a woman into bed. Sometimes the flirting and the chase before a one night stand is better than the actual sex (sex with a total stranger sounds better than it actually is a lot of the time) so try and enjoy the company of women and you might change your mind about not wanting anything more than NSA sex (not saying there's anything wrong with you not though...I'm a romantic at heart)

PK2008

Unregistered wrote: »

Just want to clarify that I don't have a desire to go out and make friends with women OVER making friends with men.... for me friendship (proper long-lasting friendship) is about shared interests and outlooks as opposed to someone being of the right gender.

Don't want to be seen as a woman-hater or woman-phobic when I'm not !

What ??? Friends are not people with the same interests and outlook as you!!! Not the best friends anyway

Friendships are about contrasting opinions, challenging outlooks, stimulating views, intellectual sparring, taking the pi55 out of each other. What your talking about is becoming part of a fan club- a place where everyone holds the same opinion and sing from the same hymnsheet, that is basically the equivalletn of the Borg

Good friends kick you up the arse when you need it, tell you when you're being a muppet and drag you to things you dont normally want to go to (and probably set you up behind your back with wimmiins you shouldnt go out with).

You do need friends- but not people who are basically you in a different haircut

LegacyUser

Thanks for that Eve ! I WILL try to take on board your advice re wooing... to enjoy it in and for itself and be kinda outcome independent... just enjoy the banter and flirting with hot women - wow... even sounds like fun while I'm typing it !! :-) It's great to see evidence that women feel this way sometimes too - even if they can medicate the problem easier...

I think, fundamentally, I'm a big romantic too... In the sense that when it comes to love, I don't want to "manufacture" a relationship by just going through the motions and hoping that Female Friend number 17 of the 20 I've made this year will be the One. I want to be taken by surprise, to just look at a women one day who's standing in front of me and think "I don't want to live without you" and have even the tinest inkling that she might feel the same way...

PK2008... re what makes a good friend - my best friend has pretty similar outlooks/beliefs to me and I guess thats my point of reference. I can see where only have friends with similar interests can be a fan club scenario and negative. I don't think I actually have any close friends of the variety you describe... the challenging ones.... and yes, maybe that is a fault I could correct.... but then again I tend to be an independent thinker... and there is a fine line, in my mind, between being challenging and being a jerk... it probably depends on how well you know someone.... I would think having a mixture of "types" of friends would be ideal/optimum... but I guess life isn't always ideal !! Anyway, I intended this particular thread to be more about how to deal with sexual frustration of a single man in Ireland today as opposed to an examination of types of friends.... Thanks for youir input though !! :-)