FB "etiquette"

LegacyUser

I met someone a while back & we're attracted to each other but neither of us wants a relationship for various reasons. However he's suggested becoming FBs.

I think that this could be good but just wondering how it works in practice? Sorry if this sounds stupid but I'm wondering for example what happens if he comes to my apartment. Do you chat first, have a drink, or just get straight down to it? Likewise afterwards, do you talk or just leave & go home? Also about the sex itself, if you're meeting purely for sex, should that mean you're up for everything?

I'm guessing I'll be told not to get into it if I'm asking these questions but would just like to hear from anybody with experience of this. Thanks

jimd2

Never done it meself but from knowing a couple of others that were in that type of arrangement it got bit messy after a few months. One fizzled out, the other one of the parties started to get serious and the "partner" high tailed it.

I am unsure as to what age you are but I would say that the etiquette is to be reasonably civil as in any other visitor and if a drink before or after feels appropriate then do that.

Overll, however, I would say a proper relationship is preferable but that is not what you have asked about.

shellyboo

FB Novice wrote: »

I met someone a while back & we're attracted to each other but neither of us wants a relationship for various reasons. However he's suggested becoming FBs.

Well done you

FB Novice wrote: »

Sorry if this sounds stupid but I'm wondering for example what happens if he comes to my apartment. Do you chat first, have a drink, or just get straight down to it?

Whichever makes you more comfortable, really...

FB Novice wrote: »

Likewise afterwards, do you talk or just leave & go home?

Again, whichever you're more comfortable with... sleepovers are not unheard of!

FB Novice wrote: »

Also about the sex itself, if you're meeting purely for sex, should that mean you're up for everything?

Hell no! You're allowed to have boundaries. However, you have to remember that the whole point of the thing is sex - so if the sex isn't good, what's the point? That's not to say you have to accede to every request, but you do have to make the effort to be the best lover you can be. That means no stubbly legs, no period sex, no granny knickers for you; and no finishing before you for him!

FB Novice wrote: »

I'm guessing I'll be told not to get into it if I'm asking these questions but would just like to hear from anybody with experience of this. Thanks

First time for everything! No need to be embarrassed. What I would recommend is air some of these concerns with your FB - he's probably just as confused as you, and it's best all round if you have ground rules to work from to begin with!

Fiend-Foe

Its going to be different with every "couple".

But I guess if you have anything in common with, or get along with your partner its going to be hard to avoid talking and hanging out before and after.

About the sex, I'm sure you'll just explore one another as any couple would and learn what is acceptable, what you want to do what you like etc. You don't have to be "up for everything".

Just a warning, anybody I have ever heard of who utilised such an arrangement always had it end with one person developing real feelings and wanting more. Its inevitable.

MIN2511

A few questions....

What do you want? What are you comfortable with?

Basically if he comes to yours then you are in control as it is your place and space, you decide the pace... You can very well rape him when he comes through the door, or have a chat and watch a dvd before getting down to business...
Also, try to avoid sleepovers as all the cuddling, ooohing and ahhing can get emotional. Especially if ye don't want to complicate matters....

Goodluck and have fun :P

AckwelFoley

..avoid the rapeing him as he comes through the door, many guys including myself are put off by this, its a bit too desperate imo..

Fcuk buddies are just that... buddies that fcuk.

Problem is however, when you start it, it can change things amd one of you may get hurt emotionally

Novella

Hmm, I wouldn't really say there's an etiquette when it comes to casual sex. You're the only one who knows what sort of situation you are in with this guy. Some fb's are good friends and talk and things, some aren't and it's just about the sex for them. You know yourself which category you are in with this guy.

I wouldn't advise jumping on him the second you see him though. That'd be a bit strange! A bit of polite chat at the start wouldn't go astray, "Hey, how're you?" kinda thing! Basically, if you don't wanna get emotionally attached don't get in too deep with the talking and things and cuddling and sleep overs are best avoided 'cause wires will get crossed.

Oh, and no, just because you are a fcuk buddy doesn't mean you have to be up for everything! Just whatever you feel comfortable doing

leggo

These things usually get complicated and are short-lived. I'll tell you that right off the bat.

I've found that arrangements like this SO rarely end with both people being on the same level. With an actual relationship...you can move at a steady pace and talk things out as you go. With an FB...it's more difficult to do so because it's quite taboo. The fact is that even if he likes snuggling...that could be contradicting whatever she thinks she's signed up for. And vice versa. Everything becomes so much more trivial than it would be otherwise. And one will almost ALWAYS want more than the other.

Another scenario, for example, is what if you meet a guy who you DO want a relationship with...but this guy hasn't met a girl who can fill his needs like you. That **** is where it gets messy.

The best advice I can give you is to go with the flow. Figure out the practical side that keeps both of you comfortable in the arrangement day-by-day. As others have said, it's a very exclusive arrangement between the two of you and you need to work out the rules for yourselves.

People will tell you to talk it out like mature adults...easier said than done. Any attempt to initiate 'the talk' could make the situation difficult. But then again, if something comes up that you feel NEEDS to be discussed...don't shy away from it. I find that being light-hearted and making jokes can ease this process, e.g. "You know what I like about this: at the end of it I don't have to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you." If that makes the atmosphere uneasy...you've unearthed something that needs to be discussed. And so on.

**** like that will keep it working for as long as it makes sense. But again, just keep in mind that these things are difficult and usually a short-term or on/off-again deal. As great as they sound on paper...it can be a right pain to put into practise at times. So just try your best to enjoy it while it's good.

Overheal

I reccomend a little Escort Ettiquete. Primarily, no kissing on the lips. Its too intimate and too emotional. Its that kinda **** - and not the horsing around - that would end up hurting one or both you on a personal level.

Vasco

When you are together you're just like a couple, then when you leave thats it until the next time... win win.

NickNolte

From my experience, it takes a very specific type of couple to have a successful, mid-long term FB relationship. I'm not judging you (or anyone else) but certainly I've found that people who are successful and experienced in FB relationships tend to be, well, either very cold and quite emotionally detached or very brazen and immature.

95% of the time, one of the couple aren't like that though so it'll end in someone developing feelings and getting hurt.

cowlove

I must be on Facebook too often. I thought FB stood for Facebook in your post. I was very confused indeed!:D

The Recliner

cowlove wrote: »

I must be on Facebook too often. I thought FB stood for Facebook in your post. I was very confused indeed!:D

Cowlove if you don't understand the topic then don't post and take the thread off topic please

Eve_Dublin

Overheal wrote: »

I reccomend a little Escort Ettiquete. Primarily, no kissing on the lips. Its too intimate and too emotional. Its that kinda **** - and not the horsing around - that would end up hurting one or both you on a personal level.

In my experience one of the two of you will start to develop feelings for the other but if you want to TRY and avoid this, maybe take Overheals advice above and avoid any long kissing sessions (or avoid kissing on the lips completely as suggested above although I think it would be difficult to get turned on avoiding it completely) and if I were you, I would avoid the post-coital cuddles. That's definite relationship territory and is usually the time when humans let their guard down and become vulnerable to all types of feelings (and you have time to think and analyse what just happened).

Another tip is to avoid any deep conversation and talk about feelings etc. Keep it light, up-beat and strictly on a superficial level. You have to remember neither of you are robots and if you start liking the person (as supposed to just their bodies), these feelings could grow so watch out for that. Just be careful with your heart, OP. Now I could be completely wrong and I'm open to corrections but women tend to have more emotional attachment to sex than men and are usually the ones who are unsuccessful at keeping their "side of the deal"....that's my experience anyway.

King of Kings

Overheal wrote: »

I reccomend a little Escort Ettiquete. Primarily, no kissing on the lips. Its too intimate and too emotional.

what are you like? :rolleyes:
it is sex between two friends , it's should be all out sex , tongue action and all or else it just become a glorified ****.
I don't know where you got this idea from.

I don't subscribe to the ideas floated that you should restrict your normal sexual behavior. Whats the point if you can't enjoy it fully. Post Coital cuddles are so in along with everything else you both like.
What is the point of friends with benefits if the benefits are limited.

OP I have had a few relationships like this some weeks and 1 spread over years. The long term one was usually a 3/4 times a year hook up , we weren't in each other face all the time. The "meet once a week " ones generally end after a few weeks cos somebody wants more or gets cheesed over cos 1 party was with a 3rd party.

As long as you both know the risks e.g have you considered if you get pregnant by this guy, where would you stand? Then go have fun and enjoy it as they can be quite rewarding

Eve_Dublin

King of Kings wrote: »

what are you like? :rolleyes:
it is sex between two friends , it's should be all out sex , tongue action and all or else it just become a glorified ****.
I don't know where you got this idea from.

I don't subscribe to the ideas floated that you should restrict your normal sexual behavior. Whats the point if you can't enjoy it fully. Post Coital cuddles are so in along with everything else you both like.
What is the point of friends with benefits if the benefits are limited.

I'd have to disagree with you there King...perhaps we can't preach our own personal restrictions on others (or lack thereof in your case)...the OP has to set her own limits and do what she feels right, I guess but I think rules and therefore restrictions have to be set down to avoid any hurt feelings. I'm only speaking from my experience...I can feel a lot of emotion during a long, intimate kiss with someone I've known even on a superficial level for a number of weeks (which you will if this is an FB and not a one night stand) and a post-coital cuddle...I personally find it very difficult NOT to feel a connection to someone if they're wrapped around me or visa versa but as I said before, I believe women have a bigger emotional attachment to sex than men (I'm presuming your a man King) so I don't think the same rules apply. Correct me ladies if you think I'm wrong...

Maybe that's why I'm not or never was a suitable candidate for this FB thing.

leggo

In saying that Eve, you're not really a suitable candidate to give advice here then by your own admission. I don't mean that at all offensively btw, so please don't take it that way.

What is the point of friends with benefits if the benefits are limited.

This is a great quote.

Friends with benefits can also be great for releasing stress after a tough week etc. You two are there, by the agreement you've set down, to have a non-emotional, purely sexual relationship. So don't restrict yourself...let loose and do all of the **** you'd normally do and more. Enjoy the freedom of emotion and the lack of pressure of a relationship looming over you while you can!

JonathanAnon

snyper wrote: »

.
Fcuk buddies are just that... buddies that fcuk.Problem is however, when you start it, it can change things amd one of you may get hurt emotionally

That about covers it really. And this nearly always happens.

Eve_Dublin

leggo wrote: »

In saying that Eve, you're not really a suitable candidate to give advice here then by your own admission. I don't mean that at all offensively btw, so please don't take it that way.



This is a great quote.

Friends with benefits can also be great for releasing stress after a tough week etc. You two are there, by the agreement you've set down, to have a non-emotional, purely sexual relationship. So don't restrict yourself...let loose and do all of the **** you'd normally do and more. Enjoy the freedom of emotion and the lack of pressure of a relationship looming over you while you can!

Fair enough but as I said, I do think a woman's perspective would differ from a man's....would you not agree?

NickNolte

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Fair enough but as I said, I do think a woman's perspective would differ from a man's....would you not agree?

I'd imagine it's more likely that the woman would become emotionally involved but men certainly run a risk. We're all human after all.

Eve_Dublin

NickNolte wrote: »

I'd imagine it's more likely that the woman would become emotionally involved but men certainly run a risk. We're all human after all.

Indeed and that's been my experience also. However, I think a man would be less inclined to question what the rules of FB sex are than a woman...men find it easier to detach themselves emotionally during a sh*g and from talking to fellow women, we're not as good at this. Men see FB sex as a "release" whereas SOME women find it harder to accept that nothing more can come of it. This is obviously the OP's first FB and I've had a few in my time and they've ALWAYS became complicated...I think a fellow woman who's been there, done that is more in a position to give advice to another woman, tbh. I'm not trying to turn the OP off...I'm no less emotional than your average person but I'm giving my opinions of some things that I probably should have avoided for the FB sex to have been a success and that brought about the complications on BOTH sides.

At the end of the day, it's a personal thing...just go with the flow, be true to yourself and only go as far as you want to go...and watch the heart.

LegacyUser

FB Novice wrote: »

I'm guessing I'll be told not to get into it if I'm asking these questions but would just like to hear from anybody with experience of this. Thanks

Pretty much.

There is no such thing as casual sex. its always gonna hit something on an emotional level with one or both of you - particularly if you are starting out with these kind of quesitons i would say. result = drama

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the feedback. Sounds like I need to put a bit more thought into this. Not sure how detached I could remain as I'm an emotional type.

ladhrann

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Indeed and that's been my experience also. However, I think a man would be less inclined to question what the rules of FB sex are than a woman...men find it easier to detach themselves emotionally during a sh*g and from talking to fellow women, we're not as good at this. Men see FB sex as a "release" whereas SOME women find it harder to accept that nothing more can come of it.

I think this is unnecessarily reinforcing a redundant male vs. female polarity. Generally people are just people with all the vulnerabilities and complexities that that entails.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

This is obviously the OP's first FB and I've had a few in my time and they've ALWAYS became complicated...I think a fellow woman who's been there, done that is more in a position to give advice to another woman, tbh. I'm not trying to turn the OP off...I'm no less emotional than your average person but I'm giving my opinions of some things that I probably should have avoided for the FB sex to have been a success and that brought about the complications on BOTH sides.

At the end of the day, it's a personal thing...just go with the flow, be true to yourself and only go as far as you want to go...and watch the heart.

I'd absolutely agree with this. It takes a very definite psychological make-up to go through the intense emotional and physiological highs associated with ongoing sexual activity without developing an emotional attachment. I know I couldn't do it myself despite my status as an emotionally autistic guy, but if you're aware of all the issues and you can handle it, then do it if you want to. And keep safe.

Eve_Dublin

ladhrann wrote: »

I think this is unnecessarily reinforcing a redundant male vs. female polarity. Generally people are just people with all the vulnerabilities and complexities that that entails.

Fair enough. Can't argue with you there.

LegacyUser

I recently came across a man who wants to initiate what seems to be fb relationship with me, even though he has ended a relationship with one woman and is beginning a serious relationship with another. He's not a total stranger either, he's been around for a couple of years.


It has baffled me. Any thoughts?

leggo

Fair enough but as I said, I do think a woman's perspective would differ from a man's....would you not agree?

Yeah I definitely agree. I was just noting how you yourself said you wouldn't be a candidate for FB relationships...therefore it's FAR easier to say "Well I'd never kiss in that situation!" than do.

In reality, you would never BE in that situation, so how could you give advice to someone who is in that situation since you admit you can't put yourself in their mindset?

Otis Driftwood

Unregistered wrote: »

I recently came across a man who wants to initiate what seems to be fb relationship with me, even though he has ended a relationship with one woman and is beginning a serious relationship with another. He's not a total stranger either, he's been around for a couple of years.


It has baffled me. Any thoughts?

If he was starting a serious relationship with you would you want him shagging someone else?

Theres your answer.

Eve_Dublin

FB Novice wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback. Sounds like I need to put a bit more thought into this. Not sure how detached I could remain as I'm an emotional type.

leggo wrote: »

Yeah I definitely agree. I was just noting how you yourself said you wouldn't be a candidate for FB relationships...therefore it's FAR easier to say "Well I'd never kiss in that situation!" than do.

In reality, you would never BE in that situation, so how could you give advice to someone who is in that situation since you admit you can't put yourself in their mindset?

But I have been in that situation a few times Leggo as I mentioned in previous posts so I suppose I'm speaking from experience and highlighting problems I came up against and I didn't say avoid kissing full stop (that was Overheal)...it's the long, lingering ones that get me and the OP admitted she's the type who might get attached. I guess I was playing devils advocate by pointing out what COULD go wrong but I'm not saying it necessarily will. Two sides to every story and all that. I know nothing about the type of person OP is just as you don't.

But I get your point...I wasn't a good candidate but I'd say few are, tbh.

leggo

Nah totally fair. I wasn't trying to belittle your point or your right to give one...it was literally that one sentence that caught my eye. But it's cleared up. Cool beans.

LegacyUser

nedtheshed wrote: »

If he was starting a serious relationship with you would you want him shagging someone else?

Theres your answer.

Areed. I didn't comply, but was really gobsmacked at the mind-set. And upset if i'm to be honest.

Mystifying stuff...

LegacyUser

correction to recent post: That should read agreed, not areed.

LegacyUser

OP here. Definitely am not cut out for FB material. Had our first meet up last night & he's only just left now & yes there was loads of kisses & cuddling & talking. So I think I'll have to nip this in the bud because already I can feel myself becoming involved. At least I know now!

LegacyUser

Wise words OP. Most likely the best way to go. I am trying to get over a complicated one like this as well. Wish i'd gotten out right at the start. My head is wrecked!!!!!

Because boundaries are blurred it can be even trickier to get out of because normal rules don't apply. Mucho misunderstandings...

Eve_Dublin

leggo wrote: »

Nah totally fair. I wasn't trying to belittle your point or your right to give one...it was literally that one sentence that caught my eye. But it's cleared up. Cool beans.

No no I didn't think you were actually so don't worry about it Aaaaall good!