newly arrived gf messes me up

CR7

A couple of months ago a girl I was involved with while living abroad showed up on my doorstep(thanks to facebook). We spent an amazing week together, I tried not to get close to her for my own sake but on the last 2 days I cracked and the inevitable mind blowing sex ensued and we were inseparable. I was surprised to see how upset she was to be leaving and had real difficulty to get her on the plane. As she approached the boarding gate she asked if we could be together in the future if she sorted her life out, and returned to study here to which I said Yes.

When she arrived home she immediately took voluntary redundancy, booked her flights and started making college applications. That was 10 weeks ago, we kept in touch via phone and email but for the last 4 weeks or so no communication at all as she needed her space. The trigger for that seemed to be that I mentioned we should get a place here together, something I had originally said I was against, this started a cycle of where on the outside I may have appeared needy and insecure as I failed to understand what she was going through.

At this point I should point out that she's 29, Asian, highly educated, head strong, driven, smart and gorgeous. Im 29, single and v laid back about life in general, but smitten by this girl, I always have been and she knew this. She was, maybe still is in a 5-year relationship which made her feel 'comfortable', a little trapped and was not in love, a feeling she longed for. She was at a crossroads in many aspects or her life and was determined to take action, leaving her country to study abroad as the first step. I suggested she apply here which she did and she has been accepted into college here.

Well, she arrived this week and as I picked her up at the airport it became apparent that something was not quite right. Obviously she was tired and not in the form for talking but I thought this would pass. She went to bed and I said Id be in later. Stupidly instead I went drinking with my mates. When I came home a little pissed we had a blazing row as I climbed in beside her, admittedly my hands were all over her but that was all that happened. When I woke up for work she was in the next room watching TV. I apologized for coming home drunk and she layed into me about wronging her trust. I called in sick and spent the day with her trying to make up for it. We went for a few drinks and through the conversation she said that her parents wanted them to get married. She is using this year out to figure out whats best, and that coming here was for college only and the dicision had absolutely nothing do do with me. She seems happy to be here, excited about her study. She refuses to let me help her in any way as she 'can take care of herself'.

I slept on the couch last night and this morning she said she will be ready to move to her new place when I get home from work. The last few days have turned my happy care free life upside down. I want the girl that was here 10 weeks ago back, I dont recognise this one. Am I missing something here?

puglover

CR7 wrote: »

A couple of months ago a girl I was involved with while living abroad showed up on my doorstep(thanks to facebook). We spent an amazing week together, I tried not to get close to her for my own sake but on the last 2 days I cracked and the inevitable mind blowing sex ensued and we were inseparable. I was surprised to see how upset she was to be leaving and had real difficulty to get her on the plane. As she approached the boarding gate she asked if we could be together in the future if she sorted her life out, and returned to study here to which I said Yes.

When she arrived home she immediately took voluntary redundancy, booked her flights and started making college applications. That was 10 weeks ago, we kept in touch via phone and email but for the last 4 weeks or so no communication at all as she needed her space. The trigger for that seemed to be that I mentioned we should get a place here together, something I had originally said I was against, this started a cycle of where on the outside I may have appeared needy and insecure as I failed to understand what she was going through.

At this point I should point out that she's 29, Asian, highly educated, head strong, driven, smart and gorgeous. Im 29, single and v laid back about life in general, but smitten by this girl, I always have been and she knew this. She was, maybe still is in a 5-year relationship which made her feel 'comfortable', a little trapped and was not in love, a feeling she longed for. She was at a crossroads in many aspects or her life and was determined to take action, leaving her country to study abroad as the first step. I suggested she apply here which she did and she has been accepted into college here.

Well, she arrived this week and as I picked her up at the airport it became apparent that something was not quite right. Obviously she was tired and not in the form for talking but I thought this would pass. She went to bed and I said Id be in later. Stupidly instead I went drinking with my mates. When I came home a little pissed we had a blazing row as I climbed in beside her, admittedly my hands were all over her but that was all that happened. When I woke up for work she was in the next room watching TV. I apologized for coming home drunk and she layed into me about wronging her trust. I called in sick and spent the day with her trying to make up for it. We went for a few drinks and through the conversation she said that her parents wanted them to get married. She is using this year out to figure out whats best, and that coming here was for college only and the dicision had absolutely nothing do do with me. She seems happy to be here, excited about her study. She refuses to let me help her in any way as she 'can take care of herself'.

I slept on the couch last night and this morning she said she will be ready to move to her new place when I get home from work. The last few days have turned my happy care free life upside down. I want the girl that was here 10 weeks ago back, I dont recognise this one. Am I missing something here?

The girl moved all the way from Asia to be with you. On her first night here while resting after her long journey, you sneak out on the piss with your friends, then come home and basically molest her while she was sleeping.

I'd be fecking you off and concentrating on college too. You're definitely missing something if you don't see the problem.

shellyboo

You left her in a strange bed, in a strange house, in a strange country, on her own, on her first night here.

Even without coming home pissed, that is so awful. I'm not surprised she's upset - you say she's a different girl to who you thought, imagine what she thinks about you. You have some *serious* grovelling to do. If you can salvage this, you'll be lucky.

Liam Byrne

CR7 wrote: »

.....the inevitable mind blowing sex ensued.....

Inevitable, eh ? Forgive me if this little bit of rhetoric slanted my view on your state of mind for the rest of the post.

bayviewclose wrote: »

Well, she arrived this week and as I picked her up at the airport it became apparent that something was not quite right. Obviously she was tired and not in the form for talking but I thought this would pass.

You said it yourself; she was tired after the trip and YOU thought it would pass, but you may have been wrong.

bayviewclose wrote: »

She went to bed and I said Id be in later. Stupidly instead I went drinking with my mates.

At least you used an appropriate adjective; her first night in a strange country and strange house, and you feck off to the pub ? Red card move there - without a doubt!

bayviewclose wrote: »

When I woke up for work she was in the next room watching TV. I apologized for coming home drunk and she layed into me about wronging her trust.

As she's entitled to do. And btw, in the rest of that paragraph you went from "a little pissed" to "drunk" and admitted your hands were "all over her"; not everyone wants a drunken grope, especially when they're sober and have earlier been abandoned.

bayviewclose wrote: »

.....and the dicision had absolutely nothing do do with me.

Lucky her; imagine if she'd been - I dunno - expecting you to stay around on her first night, or something!

bayviewclose wrote: »

The last few days have turned my happy care free life upside down. I want the girl that was here 10 weeks ago back, I dont recognise this one. Am I missing something here?

She probably doesn't recognise you either; would the guy she met on facebook have fecked off, left her alone on her first night, climbed into bed for a cheap, drunken feel ?

Sorry mate - I can't help but think you've blown this one, and it's all your own doing. She was a fish out of water in a strange country, tired after a flight, and you offered her nothing - not even company - on her first night.

It seems like all you remember was the "inevitable mind blowing sex", and you thought you might get some of that on the first night despite fecking off to the pub to get drunk.

Learn from the mistake and move on.

LegacyUser

Newly arrived girlfriend messes YOU up???

All you seem to be interested in is free mind blowing sex, and when the issue of her feelings come up, you feck off to the pub to get drunk?

YOU are going to mess up HER life. For her sake, leave her alone. On the strength of your post, I can't say I'm too bothered how you feel about it. You certainly show no indication of understanding her feelings.

CR7

Thanks for the replies guys.

I know Ive blown this one, wish there was something I could do.

Liam Byrne

CR7 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

I know Ive blown this one, wish there was something I could do.

In relation to her ? Nothing.

In general, so this experience wasn't a complete waste ? Learn from it and never make the same mistake again.

cat_rant

There is something you can do....

First thing is you owe that girl one major apology your actions were appauling.

Secondly - you had better learn from this and never ever act so inappropriately again.

Do you actually realise how intimidating your drunken fumble would have been? Visualise it in your mind.... think as though you were her.... contemplate what might have been going through her mind at the time....

I hope you see that you have wronged her in a very bad way

LegacyUser

Oh for God's sake! The drama!! So you effed up royally. Big style. I don't think that you should write it off though.

I think that you should try one time to really make it up to her. And I am talking about seriously making an effort here. Try inviting her out to dinner to a lovely restaurant, which means YOU paying, and you dressing up in something nice, and picking her up etc, or making dinner at your place and making an effort with her. Apologise profusely and tell her that you are an arse, and that you were nervous and stupud and you're very very sorry and that it won't happen again. Then take her home to HER house, kiss her on the cheek and GO HOME! Don't touch her bloody boobs!!

I've been in her situation, and trust me it is not nice. She was no doubt scared, lonely, homesick and so on and so on and you messed up. This is not dead yet though. But make a serious effort and do it fast before you get consigned to the ranks of "horror ex-boyfriends"

ManOfMystery

She might forgive you but it will take some serious grovelling on your part. Flowers, dinner, apologise for the whole lot, and more. You need to explain that you know what you did was wrong. ................... who knows, she might give you another chance.

Imagine yourself in her shoes - she's just moved country to be with you, given up a relationship there, and on the FIRST night she is there you go out on the drink with your mates. When you eventually land home probably a bit drunk, she is sober (and likely still annoyed about you leaving her) and then has to contend with you pawing at her.

If she does give you another chance, you need to seriously re-evaluate yor approach to a relationship. You need to think things through and see them from her point of view and not just take your own selfish approach like you did this time.

wasper

CR7 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

I know Ive blown this one, wish there was something I could do.

Hold on, you haven't done anything wrong.
She initiated the contact. She came over here to see you. At the airport she inquired about getting together as a couple.
Then fury of communication back & forth in the beginning but silence for few weeks until she arrived again.
She is moody & tired. You go to pub, when you return you make a move for her. She doesn't respond. In the morning she accuses you of breaking the trust!
What trust?
I think this girl, though intelligent, educated & assertive is still feeling the pressure from her family to do what Asian girls do. Get married & settle.
She lashed out on you instead of her family.
I think you need to give her space. But don't feel guilty & don't let others here make you feel guilty too.

puglover

wasper wrote: »

Hold on, you haven't done anything wrong.

Seriously.. are you deluded? Some people just never cease to amaze me.

Liam Byrne

wasper wrote: »

Hold on, you haven't done anything wrong.......don't feel guilty & don't let others here make you feel guilty too.

If you had a guest from another country, would you abandon them alone the first night ?

Yes, the wording might have been odd, but the girl was perfectly entitled to be majorly pissed off, because he DID do something rude and wrong!

In fact, if it had been me and the situation was reversed, and I got up to find the house empty and she'd arrived back drunk and copping a feel, I'd have left there and then!

CR7

shellyboo wrote: »

You left her in a strange bed, in a strange house, in a strange country, on her own, on her first night here.

Not true, she has been here before with me, she knows her way around and I was merely letting her get some much needed rest. She knew this, she knows she can trust me. So rather than wake her after I changed I left a note of where I was.

Unregistered wrote: »

All you seem to be interested in is free mind blowing sex, and when the issue of her feelings come up, you feck off to the pub to get drunk?

I just mentioned the sex a it was amazing, but I had 10 weeks of thinking about feelings

wasper wrote: »

Hold on, you haven't done anything wrong.
She initiated the contact. She came over here to see you. At the airport she inquired about getting together as a couple.
Then fury of communication back & forth in the beginning but silence for few weeks until she arrived again.
She is moody & tired. You go to pub, when you return you make a move for her. She doesn't respond. In the morning she accuses you of breaking the trust!
What trust?
I think this girl, though intelligent, educated & assertive is still feeling the pressure from her family to do what Asian girls do. Get married & settle.
She lashed out on you instead of her family.
I think you need to give her space. But don't feel guilty & don't let others here make you feel guilty too.

Wasper - even without any other info you are spot on from my point of view. Ill elaborate shortly on this.

CR7

Going for a few drinks that night while I knew she was sleeping safely after spending the day with her at the beach was my one release after all the pent up expectation and excitement of her arriving. Anyhew the drunken fumble is not the issue at all...

So I came home from work early to have an all out chat before the big move. She informs me that a few weeks ago she just decided my personality was not suitable, I was too keen, too sensitive and a deep thinker, shallow talker. She studied my emails, some of which were drink fueled to come to this conclusion. I remember the tests over the ten weeks now. The disinterested guy she had a while back was the one she liked best. The last thing she wants is someone to take care of her, and feels she doesn't want to take care of anyone else. So her current relationship is on a break while she focuses on her career, as someone has pointed out here Asian women are single minded when it comes to career goals, believe me I have spent over 3 years in her country.

So did I see this coming, absolutely not, she had all the space she asked for and when she got here we would work it out. She never had any intentions of this she informed me, and in hindsight the hints were there most recently but I ignored them because she was going through a difficult time. For the first half of those 10 weeks it was constant talk of excitement and longing to be with me. At some point that changed, which she is perfectly entitled to but I think I was entitled to know that too.

So yes, draw a line in the sand and time move on, man thats tough when she is in my town, and we are pretty good friends. I dropped her off at her new place ysday. She picked the cheapest room going in an an area of town I wouldn't put my dog in its that kind of area. I tried to dissuade her in favor of somewhere more decent. I am genuinely concerned for her safety there at night, she will walk a particularly dangerous route at night to college, but Im the last person she will take advice from.

iguana

CR7 wrote: »

Going for a few drinks that night while I knew she was sleeping safely after spending the day with her at the beach was my one release after all the pent up expectation and excitement of her arriving. Anyhew the drunken fumble is not the issue at all...

You spent a nice day on the beach and after the stress of that you needed to drink as a "release." And you drank so much you behaved inappropriately when you came home.

CR7 wrote: »

She studied my emails, some of which were drink fueled to come to this conclusion.

You were also emailing her while drunk and the contents of the emails caused her to re-evaluate your feelings for her?

Have you considered that maybe you are using drink as an emotional crutch? And that instead of helping you deal with what you're doing it's screwing things up?

Moomoo1

That's quite something OP. I have never heard of someone deciding whether someone is suitable for them on the basis of calls and emails. Does she not have any feelings at all, and does she not realise that after the way she acted in the beginning other people are bound to have feelings too?

I would just ignore her, blank her out. You might have an urge to take care of her and help her: don't. She treated you badly by screwing with your feelings in this way, and next time you meet her I'd be very short and abrupt with her.

herya

iguana wrote: »

Have you considered that maybe you are using drink as an emotional crutch? And that instead of helping you deal with what you're doing it's screwing things up?

I agree, there is a lot and lot of drink flowing in the background and it has influenced your relationship badly at least two times (you know of).

I don't know where the girl is from in Asia and what are their cultural norms on excessive drinking, groping under the influence etc - do you?

LegacyUser

I hate to say it, but she was just using you to get into the country, the fact that she mentioned the marriage thing at all is to judge your reaction to it.

I don't mean it badly, the Asian women in this country are lovely, and absolutely dynamite in bed but we come from different cultures. They come from a poorer educated background and may not value the same things as we do. I dated an Asian girl for about 3 years and had similar mood swings.

I'm not saying all Asian girls are like that, I hope not for my sake as I have a major case of yellow fever

On the other hand, I do think that your use of alcohol in this relationship is a joke, I still can't understand why you went to the pub the first night she got back, were you scared? And to basically molest her when you can home was the icing on the cake.

I think you need to let he be for a while, sober up, and get on with your life for a while. Keep in regular contact with her if you want, but Asian girls tend to hop from relationship to relationship very fast, don't be surprised if you see her with another man very soon

also, I hate saying this, but make sure you don't go giving her any money, or buying her expensive gifts. She will use you. Save that for someone you are in a relationship with.

herya

Hmm wrote: »

I hate to say it, but she was just using you to get into the country, the fact that she mentioned the marriage thing at all is to judge your reaction to it.

I can't see how she could be using him to get into the country as she obviously took care of all formalities herself, planned her stay here and does not want to live with him or accept any help from him.

She may have issues all right but she doesn't seem to be a leech of any kind.

CR7

Thanks for all the replies guys, really appreciate it.

Hmm wrote: »

I hate to say it, but she was just using you to get into the country, the fact that she mentioned the marriage thing at all is to judge your reaction to it.

Yes I helped to get her here in many ways. I represented her at her college ensured her applications were in order etc. She could have chosen anywhere to study.

Hmm wrote: »

also, I hate saying this, but make sure you don't go giving her any money, or buying her expensive gifts. She will use you. Save that for someone you are in a relationship with.

it's a little late for that, the money doesn't bother me, it's the kick in the arse I need.

Moomoo1

you are being a touch hard on yourself OP. She did everything to make it seem that you two were an 'item' and you acted accordingly. She then backed out of it and started acting strange.

the drunken incident earlier in the week couldn't have helped, but by then her mind was already made up imho.

if you get an opportunity, tell her how badly she has treated you (don't go out of your way to tell her, but if you happen to already be talking to her and the moment seems right). She really built you up and then crashed you down in a major way.

Liam Byrne

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you are being a touch hard on yourself OP. She did everything to make it seem that you two were an 'item' and you acted accordingly.

Leaving someone alone and then coming home for a drunken grope ?

Not my idea of "an item" :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

well based on the information provided she is / was just coming out of a 5 yr relationship.... and from my experience i reckon it will take her a while to fully get over that before she can get involved with someone else.... If its just sex you are after then there are plenty more fish in the sea but if its something more then you should ask yourself this... if things are this much trouble now then is she really right for you? / are you right for each other??? If you need to work this hard in the beginning then i reckon your in for a rocky ride down that road....

Best of luck mate

Eve_Dublin

Hmm wrote: »

I hate to say it, but she was just using you to get into the country, the fact that she mentioned the marriage thing at all is to judge your reaction to it.

I don't mean it badly, the Asian women in this country are lovely, and absolutely dynamite in bed but we come from different cultures. They come from a poorer educated background and may not value the same things as we do. I dated an Asian girl for about 3 years and had similar mood swings.

I'm not saying all Asian girls are like that, I hope not for my sake as I have a major case of yellow fever

On the other hand, I do think that your use of alcohol in this relationship is a joke, I still can't understand why you went to the pub the first night she got back, were you scared? And to basically molest her when you can home was the icing on the cake.

I think you need to let he be for a while, sober up, and get on with your life for a while. Keep in regular contact with her if you want, but Asian girls tend to hop from relationship to relationship very fast, don't be surprised if you see her with another man very soon

also, I hate saying this, but make sure you don't go giving her any money, or buying her expensive gifts. She will use you. Save that for someone you are in a relationship with.

Eh...you are aware that Asia is a continent with a population of 4,050,404,000 (source: Wikipedia) and not a country, aren't you?

Moomoo1

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Leaving someone alone and then coming home for a drunken grope ?

Not my idea of "an item" :rolleyes:

I've already said that by the time he did the drunken grope thing she had already made up her mind.

blogga

Leaving aside your behaviour the deeper thing is this girl turning up on your doorstep. She has decided she wants you and wants you to be a particular way. If you want there to be anything longterm ditch the guilt and take a cold look at the situation; the guilt only gives her the chance to manipulate you. Do you want to have somethinglong term with her? Inevitably she will want to go home. Do you want to see your kids get on a plane to the other side of the world? Be very clear about this. She may well care about you but it sounds from the way she arrived and the difficulty she had leaving that there is a huge neediness there. No guilt. Clear thinking. Me? I'd ditch her now.

NickNolte

Judgement about you or her aside, it sounds like a very imperfect circumstance. I'd be likely to just forget about her and get on with your life. And, regarding your drunken fumble, maybe you should learn a bit of responsibility and respect?

CR7

She called me to meet her in town, so I changed my plan and went to meet her, I went running ok kick me. So our chat got pretty explosive, she has no regard for anyone and no heart and I can't deal with that.

We went to a club, after maybe 20 mins she went to bathroom, so in the meantime I chatted to a few girls o a hen havin a laugh, felt like I needed it. She never came back so after an hour of seArching I asked tihe lady bouncers to check if she ws sleeping in there, jet lag is a killer I suffer badly myself.

I eventually found her outside in a coffe shop chatting with some guys, she wants to meet people I know that. I explained I searched for her and was she ready to go home, as in drop her at her house quite close to mine. No she was talking to people and I sholud leanve her alone.

So that's it I went home she text me to say she was home safe, I'm cut up this is my town my life and I made room for her. She used me in So many ways I can see that now, I've had several gfs from her her country(japan) and I know they are not like this, they are caring geniune and just want someone to take care of them.

I've been duped -

NickNolte

She went to the toilet and you started chatting up a hen do. She finished up in the toilet, abandoned you and went outside to chat men up.

I suspect this thread is a wind-up but I'll play ball:

Both of you need to avoid relationships. You're not mature enough.

CR7

NickNolte wrote: »

She went to the toilet and you started chatting up a hen do. She finished up in the toilet, abandoned you and went outside to chat men up.

I suspect this thread is a wind-up but I'll play ball:

Both of you need to avoid relationships. You're not mature enough.

This is no wind up mate, i don't t think I could fashion this stuff up. Why do you think Im posting?

NickNolte

CR7 wrote: »

This is no wind up mate, i don't t think I could fashion this stuff up. Why do you think Im posting?

Right. So... she comes over from Asia, goes to bed early tired on the first night, you go out and get drunk and come home and get into bed with her for a drunken groping. Then you go out with her again and start chatting up women on a hen do when she goes to the toilet.

If it's not a wind-up then, as I said, you need to forget about her and stay out of relationships until you grow up.

herya

NickNolte wrote: »

Right. So... she comes over from Asia, goes to bed early tired on the first night, you go out and get drunk and come home and get into bed with her for a drunken groping. Then you go out with her again and start chatting up women on a hen do when she goes to the toilet.

If it's not a wind-up then, as I said, you need to forget about her and stay out of relationships until you grow up.

I tend to agree. Bear in mind that the girl looks like one seriously messed up individual too but she's not alone in it & honestly OP there is nothing to be proud of in how you handled this situation.

Jesus Juice

CR7 wrote: »

She called me to meet her in town, so I changed my plan and went to meet her, I went running ok kick me. So our chat got pretty explosive, she has no regard for anyone and no heart and I can't deal with that.

We went to a club, after maybe 20 mins she went to bathroom, so in the meantime I chatted to a few girls o a hen havin a laugh, felt like I needed it. She never came back so after an hour of seArching I asked tihe lady bouncers to check if she ws sleeping in there, jet lag is a killer I suffer badly myself.

I eventually found her outside in a coffe shop chatting with some guys, she wants to meet people I know that. I explained I searched for her and was she ready to go home, as in drop her at her house quite close to mine. No she was talking to people and I sholud leanve her alone.

So that's it I went home she text me to say she was home safe, I'm cut up this is my town my life and I made room for her. She used me in So many ways I can see that now, I've had several gfs from her her country(japan) and I know they are not like this, they are caring geniune and just want someone to take care of them.

I've been duped -

I'm sorry but this sounds like the biggest wind up ever.
Bring it to AH:rolleyes:

Moomoo1

NickNolte wrote: »

Then you go out with her again and start chatting up women on a hen do when she goes to the toilet.

If it's not a wind-up then, as I said, you need to forget about her and stay out of relationships until you grow up.

ahem... they are not in a relationship. They went there 'as friends'. So why did he have to stick to her side all the time?

OP... seriously, stop following her around. Next time she wants to go at a short notice and you have other plans, tell her you have other plans.

LegacyUser

I have just read this thread, and from a women's point of view.....yes I think you are being used. I am sorry to have to say this OP but this girl has no feelings for you. Maybe she thought she did once, she was in an unhappy relationship and maybe you were an outlet for that. She is using you and has been since she decided to come here. It seems unlikely it was ever going to be serious from the problems you encountered but hey, even if she was considering it even a little, you messed it up!!! You behaved terribly the first night she arrived, and by doing so, made her mind up for her that it wasnt right!! Get over it, leave the girl alone, accept that you have been used but also bear in mind that everything you gave her, the help she received from you, was offered to her. you werent set up just taken advantage of and in my opinion, well deserved after your behaviour on the night you "welcomed" her to this country. If she would rather live in a place which is not entirely suitable or safe for her, dont you think that is saying something....she would rather do that. Sorry for being blunt, but you might have frightened the life out of her on her first night her with your carry on, so leave her be, you then might have a chance of remaining friends, as opposed to enemies if you dont lighten up.