Pregnant and can't/won't stop boozing.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

My problem is this:, I've been friends with a girl for five years now. She's always been a bit mental, loves her drink and smokes. She had her first kid just over two years ago and during her pregnancy she continued to drink and smoke with gusto. She had a little girl and the poor little mite is plagued with chest infections constantly.

Now my friend is preg again (about 4 months gone) She's possibly drinking more now than when she wasn't expecting. I went away with her and her kid for a few days, never again, the amount she drank and smoked was a disgrace. And her kid was choking and coughing and being desperately cranky and clingy, (I know all kids can get like this, but I'm convinced it's related to her mum's behaviour)

I've tried to talk to her about it and have encouraged her to have a soft drink every second drink rather than pints and pints finished up with whiskey. She just looked really unhappy and asked me "where's the fun in that"?

Her defense is that she's aware of the risks to the foetus but that it is her choice how she conducts her pregnancies.

I'm desperately afraid that something will go wrong for her with the new baby; or that her first kid will end up with a condition that's linked back to her mother's drinking.

I'm working with the assumption that she's an alcoholic, but that doesn't make a difference to how mad I am with her behaviour.

Has anyone else ever been through anything similar?

Should I just cut her off? I can't condone her behaviour in any way.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

My problem is this:, I've been friends with a girl for five years now. She's always been a bit mental, loves her drink and smokes. She had her first kid just over two years ago and during her pregnancy she continued to drink and smoke with gusto. She had a little girl and the poor little mite is plagued with chest infections constantly.

Now my friend is preg again (about 4 months gone) She's possibly drinking more now than when she wasn't expecting. I went away with her and her kid for a few days, never again, the amount she drank and smoked was a disgrace. And her kid was choking and coughing and being desperately cranky and clingy, (I know all kids can get like this, but I'm convinced it's related to her mum's behaviour)

I've tried to talk to her about it and have encouraged her to have a soft drink every second drink rather than pints and pints finished up with whiskey. She just looked really unhappy and asked me "where's the fun in that"?

Her defense is that she's aware of the risks to the foetus but that it is her choice how she conducts her pregnancies.

I'm desperately afraid that something will go wrong for her with the new baby; or that her first kid will end up with a condition that's linked back to her mother's drinking.

I'm working with the assumption that she's an alcoholic, but that doesn't make a difference to how mad I am with her behaviour.

Has anyone else ever been through anything similar?

Should I just cut her off? I can't condone her behaviour in any way.

I'm sitting here at nearly 4am unable to sleep with a headache directly from giving up alcohol so I can't say I have much sympathy for her. I am doing this without any family to look after, child to rear or foetus to protect. Abusing myself is one thing, abusing innocent children that I'm supposed to protect it another. I empathise entirely with your frustration. Does she have any family or friends that you could speak with? Maybe a couple of you together could speak with her or help her along the path of getting help? At least if you seriously tried you could save those kids.

There are, she should be made aware plenty of couples who would love to look after those children if she feels unfit, or indeed (perish the thought) if the state adjudged her to be unfit to nurture them.

silverharp

As a parent I would have issues being in the same room with such a person. If she has such disregard for her own kids its difficult to see what qualities she has that would make her a friend worth having.

LegacyUser

Gonnamakeit wrote: »

I'm sitting here at nearly 4am unable to sleep with a headache directly from giving up alcohol so I can't say I have much sympathy for her. I am doing this without any family to look after, child to rear or foetus to protect. Abusing myself is one thing, abusing innocent children that I'm supposed to protect it another. I empathise entirely with your frustration. Does she have any family or friends that you could speak with? Maybe a couple of you together could speak with her or help her along the path of getting help? At least if you seriously tried you could save those kids.

There are, she should be made aware plenty of couples who would love to look after those children if she feels unfit, or indeed (perish the thought) if the state adjudged her to be unfit to nurture them.

I appreciate the effort you say you're making, but surely you do have some sympathy for someone who is in the clutches of booze addiction?

LegacyUser

silverharp wrote: »

As a parent I would have issues being in the same room with such a person. If she has such disregard for her own kids its difficult to see what qualities she has that would make her a friend worth having.

her qualities as a friend are being affected by her behaviour, that much is true, are your issues the fact that she's an alcoholic and can't stop drinking?



Has anyone else ever had to intervene in something like this?

shellyboo

I couldn't be friends with someone like that. I just would not be able to keep my temper or hide my revulsion.

I have no idea what you can do, OP, other than just cut her out. It sounds like she's not going to change.

Nevyn

If you think that child is at risk then file a report with socail workers.

silverharp

op here wrote: »

her qualities as a friend are being affected by her behaviour, that much is true, are your issues the fact that she's an alcoholic and can't stop drinking?

She is being "abusive" of her unborn child. I dont think I could overstate how bad this behaviour is and her attitude is cavalier. She does not sound like a "sick" person who is trying to seek help.
Personally I'd have a problem if I was going out drinking with this person if I then had see the kids grow up with health or developmental issues.

parkerpen

I would think seriously about contacting a social worker. Perhaps if somebody said that she would be in danger of losing her children, it could encourage her to do something about her addiction.

parkerpen

I'd do it sooner rather than later though. Sadly, if she's 4 months pregnant, most of the damage is done in the first 12 weeks!

Oh The Humanity

This is terrible. The baby could end up with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome. At the very least little babies born to alcoholics are extremely difficult to soothe and can suffer terrible colic and other probs....

And what about the little girl.....is the woman fit to be in charge of her in this state?

What if she needed to drive her to hospital...maybe she doesn't drive...doesn't matter, she can't be in a fit state to parent the children when she is drunk all the time....?

I know you mean well by being sympathetic, but if she can not manage to stop drinking during pregnancy then she is really not a fit mother.

Someone needs to intervene. Don't enable her by keeping her company. Report her to Social Services although I dont know how much can be done.

But the children can not be left in this situation. Where is the father?

bronte

That's pretty scumbaggy behaviour. Maybe encourage her to get help for her addictions? Smoking around a kid who is prone to chest infections is just cruel.

philologos

OP: This woman definitely needs help. She is destroying her children by this, both unborn and born. This has to stop if she is going to be pregnant she needs to understand the responsibilities of it.

As for cutting her off, I don't think it is useful. However, if you have consulted all other options you should let her know clearly that you are annoyed with her, and that you will not be seeing her again until she changes her ways.

Cionn

people, if you read the topic from the OP the negative comments are irrelavent as the op is not the bad person. I would say your concern is a high point and commendable part of their life. I urge you to continue providing support as you give her positive points to help the situation.

The negative points that other posters have put online may be factual but don't provide a solution.

My head in these situations is you may not be able to effect a short tern change in peoples short term behaviour but you can be part of the longtern solution so keep on caring.

Cionn

LegacyUser

Op, if your friend is pregnant with her second child and you think she is an alcoholic you need to speak to her family or someone close. This addiction will cloud her ability to see the child abuse she is inflicting on her kids.

LegacyUser

You should contact her doctor. Your friend might take more seriously what she is told to do by her doctor.

blogga

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

My problem is this:, I've been friends with a girl for five years now. She's always been a bit mental, loves her drink and smokes. She had her first kid just over two years ago and during her pregnancy she continued to drink and smoke with gusto. She had a little girl and the poor little mite is plagued with chest infections constantly.

Now my friend is preg again (about 4 months gone) She's possibly drinking more now than when she wasn't expecting. I went away with her and her kid for a few days, never again, the amount she drank and smoked was a disgrace. And her kid was choking and coughing and being desperately cranky and clingy, (I know all kids can get like this, but I'm convinced it's related to her mum's behaviour)

I've tried to talk to her about it and have encouraged her to have a soft drink every second drink rather than pints and pints finished up with whiskey. She just looked really unhappy and asked me "where's the fun in that"?

Her defense is that she's aware of the risks to the foetus but that it is her choice how she conducts her pregnancies.

I'm desperately afraid that something will go wrong for her with the new baby; or that her first kid will end up with a condition that's linked back to her mother's drinking.

I'm working with the assumption that she's an alcoholic, but that doesn't make a difference to how mad I am with her behaviour.

Has anyone else ever been through anything similar?

Should I just cut her off? I can't condone her behaviour in any way.

Contact social services with concern for the little girl in an abusive environment. It won' t make any difference but you will have tried. A graceful distancing so that you are well clear of the situation in two or three months time. People like that are a deadweight on your life.

Moomoo1

Unregistered wrote: »

Should I just cut her off? I can't condone her behaviour in any way.

if you cut her off, will this make any difference to the kids? Probably not.