BF's EX still in love with him

LegacyUser

OK this is more of a rant than anything but any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Have been reading some threads about ex's and what not and it's making me think about the situation I am in myself.

I have been with my bf about 8 months now. I love him very much and he feels the same about me. We have so much fun together and we've just clicked from day one. We've both been in other relationships but knew that this was different from the beginning. We have a fantastic relationship and every aspect of it is good.

I've never been happier except for one small thing. He went out with this girl for a year, they had always been friends, and still have the same group of friends. He ended it as his heart just wasn't in it and he didn't love her. He tried to be friends but she made it difficult, even after she met someone else and got into another relationship(which she is still in), she always went on abotu how she still ahd feelings for him and got jealous when he was seeing other people etc. BEfore we'd started going out he told me that she'd sort of started to be ok and they were getting along again.

But since we met she started being jealous again. I wouldn't say it's exactly drama as it's all very low key. She deleted him from her friends on fb and bebo, and then text him so say she had done(the text imo was to see what his reaction was). She won't go to parties or gatherings with their mutual friends(even if we aren't going, just in case we turn up) and is telling them all how hard it is for her to see him with me etc. This is obviously causing a bit of strain between him and his friends. I've told him I dont mind if he goes to these things without me sometimes and he says that is just giving her what she wants and he doesn't see why he shouldnt have me there.

TBH I can't fault my bf at all, he doesn't entertain her and has been totally straight with me.

I just want to shake her and tell her to cop on. She's making his life difficult and making it hard for me to fit in with his friends. I always feel guilty when we're at a party and someone asks where she is, and someone will nod the head in my direction thinking I don't notice or something.

It's infuriating, and it does make me a little jealous(don't know if thats the correct word here) He is MY boyfriend, why does she think that what she feels for him is so special and deserves so much attention.

aaaargh, soory for the rant it just bugs me

humanji

I think your boyfriend has the right idea in ignoring her. She'll cop herself on eventually, but in the meantime there's nothing you can really do. Confronting her would just give her what she wants.

LegacyUser

He is MY boyfriend - thats what you said. he is NOT yours - nor is he hers. you dont have any right over this girl or your boyfriend and how she reacts - vice versa. i think you just need to trust your boyfriend - and focus on you and him.you sound insecure a bit - tell your boyfriend how you feel but its YOUR insecurities - nothing to do with this girl. she is doing her own thing, ye are too.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

He is MY boyfriend - thats what you said. he is NOT yours - nor is he hers. you dont have any right over this girl or your boyfriend and how she reacts - vice versa. i think you just need to trust your boyfriend - and focus on you and him.you sound insecure a bit - tell your boyfriend how you feel but its YOUR insecurities - nothing to do with this girl. she is doing her own thing, ye are too.

Am no he is my boyfriend... I didn't say I have any rights over anyone or mention anything about wanting to control anyone.

It may be my insecurities or it may be a fact that the others feel it's my fault that she is pulling away from the group, and why wouldn't they when she is telling them that she's not coming because she doesn't want to see us together. She isn't doing her own thing, she is telling people she can't because our relationship is somehow restricting her. That is causing a strain in my bf's friendships and causing problems for them accepting me. She is not doing her own thing at all, her actions are having direct consequences for my bf and for me

Eve_Dublin

God this is a tricky one. You get a lot of people on PI talking about how they find it difficult to get over an ex and the advice they get is to cut them completely out of their lives. This is exactly what this girl is doing by the sounds of it. She obviously had her heart broken by your OH and is dealing with it the best way she can. I wouldn't say she's trying to get between you two but broken hearts can make you act very irrationally sometimes and you can't always justify the things you do, like letting your OH know she deleted him from FB and Bebo. Perhaps she wants to try and hurt him the way he hurt her. you say it's all very low key and not very dramatic...I think you're boyfriend is handling it the best he can because really, it's not as if the girl is stalking the both of you. In fact, she's avoiding you because it's too hard for her to see you together and I personally think that's understandable. I think she's doing her best to keep her jealousy in check so I think the best thing to do is just give it time. She'll get used to it eventually.

I do see it from your perspective though. I have mutual friends with one of my exes (he met them through me) and when I visted them recently, he met up with me and my friends with his new girlfriend. The girl was very uncomfortable around me and I caught her glaring at me a few times but to be honest, it couldn't have been easy for her to see all of us (my ex, my friends and myself) getting along so I tried my best to make an effort to talk to her and let her know I wasn't a threat. I think things are grand between us now.

Perhaps you can have a chat with the ex in a friendly, nonconfrontational way just to clear the air and just get rid of any bad feeling. She obviously feels threatened by you (and might even hate your guts for no other reason then the fact that you're with the man who broke her heart...people can be irrational when it comes to love). She thinks you're going to take her place and that includes the with mutual friends she had with the ex.

Try to get along with this girl...it's hard to dislike, feel jealous or feel threatened by someone who you like. We've all got exes lurking in the background and to be honest, she sounds a lot saner than others I've heard about. Give it time.

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

God this is a tricky one. You get a lot of people on PI talking about how they find it difficult to get over an ex and the advice they get is to cut them completely out of their lives. This is exactly what this girl is doing by the sounds of it. She obviously had her heart broken by your OH and is dealing with it the best way she can. I wouldn't say she's trying to get between you two but broken hearts can make you act very irrationally sometimes and you can't always justify the things you do, like letting your OH know she deleted him from FB and Bebo. Perhaps she wants to try and hurt him the way he hurt her. you say it's all very low key and not very dramatic...I think you're boyfriend is handling it the best he can because really, it's not as if the girl is stalking the both of you. In fact, she's avoiding you because it's too hard for her to see you together and I personally think that's understandable. I think she's doing her best to keep her jealousy in check so I think the best thing to do is just give it time. She'll get used to it eventually.

I do see it from your perspective though. I have mutual friends with one of my exes (he met them through me) and when I visted them recently, he met up with me and my friends with his new girlfriend. The girl was very uncomfortable around me and I caught her glaring at me a few times but to be honest, it couldn't have been easy for her to see all of us (my ex, my friends and myself) getting along so I tried my best to make an effort to talk to her and let her know I wasn't a threat. I think things are grand between us now.

Perhaps you can have a chat with the ex in a friendly, nonconfrontational way just to clear the air and just get rid of any bad feeling. She obviously feels threatened by you (and might even hate your guts for no other reason then the fact that you're with the man who broke her heart...people can be irrational when it comes to love). She thinks you're going to take her place and that includes the with mutual friends she had with the ex.

Try to get along with this girl...it's hard to dislike, feel jealous or feel threatened by someone who you like. We've all got exes lurking in the background and to be honest, she sounds a lot saner than others I've heard about. Give it time.

TBH if it was a new break up I'd have some consideration for her but its been over 2 years and she is still telling him and people she loves him. If she cut contact that would be fine, but she is the one who texts him or sends messages through friends, you know the whole xxx was asking for you thing) and she has to keep going on about it to everyone and about how hard it all is for her because she loves him and always thought they'd end up together. She is with her bf well over a year now. I think she should have moved on.

ladygirl

ya this girl does sound more sane than a lot, she isnt trying to come between you, but she is still very raw about their breakup,,, she is slowly trying to move on with her life and she is trying to cut him out completely... I wouldnt worry too much about it, your bf is being honest and she will get over this in time..

blairbear

I'd say the girl hasn't thought about anything from your perspective. She just knows that she's upset and can't get over him and is making a few mistakes along the way of trying to get over him. It took me two years to get over my most significant ex and although I was never confrontational and would be civil to himself and his new girlfriend in public, I did send him a drunken, very very long email once about how much he'd hurt me and how much our break up had affected me and that was 18 months post break-up. I can only imagine how much that would have upset his new girlfriend if she'd seen it or if he'd told her, regardless of the fact that he was innocent in all of it and wasn't fuelling the fire, so to speak.

He's being upfront about this contact with her which is a huge plus in his favour and in favour of your relationship. It's good that she's actively avoiding social situations you guys may bump into each other. She's trying to get over him obviously. If she wasn't, she'd make sure to be at every party he was at.

Yes, he's your boyfriend now and not hers, and her feelings about him don't take precedence over yours but she probably loved him just as much as you love him now, so cut her a little bit of slack, be confident in your relationship and try to stay indifferent to her and smile and be pleasant if you see her.

LegacyUser

i think shes being stupid. Its been two years and they were only going out one. Shes in a relationship she should be focusing on her boyfriend not yours. Two years is way to long to still be moaning.

If it was my boyfriend I would confront her and tell her to get over it.

I feel very sorry for you OP

Femelade

TBH, i think you are lucky, in a way.

When my boyfriend and I got together, his ex (they broke up 6 yrs previous) decided she wanted him back! so, she did the exact oppisite that your boyfriends ex. she used to be everywhere we were, she would go up talking to him if i was in the bathroom, and then leg it when i came back, trying to make me paranoid of course. she started txting him and ringing him at all hours...eventually, after about a yr of this, it stopped.
thank god. havent seen her in ages.

So, yeah, in a way you are lucky that she isnt doing the opposite than what she is doing now..cos that would be worse imo.

LegacyUser

Femelade wrote: »

TBH, i think you are lucky, in a way.

When my boyfriend and I got together, his ex (they broke up 6 yrs previous) decided she wanted him back! so, she did the exact oppisite that your boyfriends ex. she used to be everywhere we were, she would go up talking to him if i was in the bathroom, and then leg it when i came back, trying to make me paranoid of course. she started txting him and ringing him at all hours...eventually, after about a yr of this, it stopped.
thank god. havent seen her in ages.

So, yeah, in a way you are lucky that she isnt doing the opposite than what she is doing now..cos that would be worse imo.

She does text and ring at all hours though. You could nearly set your watch by her, either a text or a phonecall at about 3am every Fri/Sat. he's tried ignoring her, asking her to cop on and asking her nicely to stop but she just won't get over it. TBH I feel sorry for her bf, he mustn't have a clue(if he does he's an fool to put up with it) She is just sneaky, she knows that if she did the whole going up to him when I went to the bathroom etc her friends would think badly of her and tell her so, they are a pretty straight up group of people and would have no bones with telling her to cop on if they saw this behaviour. She tries to contact him on the sly and gives her friends the whole poor me sob story so everyone is feeling sorry for her.

Eve_Dublin

Unregistered wrote: »

She does text and ring at all hours though. You could nearly set your watch by her, either a text or a phonecall at about 3am every Fri/Sat. he's tried ignoring her, asking her to cop on and asking her nicely to stop but she just won't get over it. TBH I feel sorry for her bf, he mustn't have a clue(if he does he's an fool to put up with it) She is just sneaky, she knows that if she did the whole going up to him when I went to the bathroom etc her friends would think badly of her and tell her so, they are a pretty straight up group of people and would have no bones with telling her to cop on if they saw this behaviour. She tries to contact him on the sly and gives her friends the whole poor me sob story so everyone is feeling sorry for her.

Not sure what you can do about this situation OP except suck it up and count yourself lucky she's not a crazy, psychotic ex stalking the both of you. There's always jealous ex lurking somewhere in the background in relationships...the difference is your boyfriend loves you enough to tell you about her.Would you feel comfortable speaking to her yourself?