She built me up, just to tear me down...

Call Me Jimmy

Not sure what I want from this, probably just some attention.

Anyway, I was in a seriously bad state six months ago (still am trying to recover). Basically I was finished, a shell of a person. I got help, went on meds etc. and was beginning a slow recovery. An old school friend heard about my problems and began pursuing me and eventually made me believe that she fancied me and we started going out.

I became the old me again, which was great but the small bit of confidence I had came 100% from her and things she said. She made me believe all this crap, seemingly too make me feel better "you're gorgeous, I love you, you're amazing, all my friends fancy you, you're ****ing special". Then she breaks up with me and quicker than you can say "what a bitch she was bull****ting me" she starts meeting new guys etc. after professing that I was the best thing since sliced bread.

I am mad at her for treating me like her little project, that she could help me get better based on lies and then **** off. The problem is, now all the confidence she helped build up is completely gone and I feel like an idiot for believing it to boot.

I'm back to where I was six months ago, except slightly more bitter. I knew the truth about myself, and I let her tell me I was wrong - only to find out I was right.

****in bitch

Ellsbells

Nasty name calling OP.....

She is not responsible for your lack of confidence. She seemed to help to give you some but at the end of the day you should be doing that for yourself and working on yourself.

Move on and dont be so nasty about her.. That is love... Sometimes it works and most of time it wont and this time it hasnt..

PK2008

Grow up OP

Nevyn

PK2008 Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rulesand abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Nevyn

So your life was crap and you started to sort it out and went on meds which mad life bareable and you meet someone who helped lift you out of the muck for a while and you let her become a distraction from your issues and form working on yourself and made her your happiness which must have put a lot of stress and strain on the relationship and she ended it and now you feel low again and are blaming here.

The only person you have to blame is yourself for not working on your issues all along and indulging in a relationship to distract yourself. You know that you can be happy, you have had a taste of what you want in your life, well then start doing the real work of dealing with your depression and making the changes you need to yourself and your life so that you are happy on your own with yourself and then go find someone to share that happiness with rather then making her responsible for your mental and emotional stability.

Call Me Jimmy

I do not hold her responsible for my lack of confidence. Would you not feel patronized and stupid if someone blatantly lied to you everyday, she was always saying things about people who fancied me etc. to make me feel better. Yes the intention is good, but that sets ye up for a big fall when ye find out they were just that - lies.

If a girl was fat, would it be a good idea to go out with her and lie to her face, telling her she isn't fat for ages and then basically say that she is at the end of it all...?

Bottle_of_Smoke

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

I do not hold her responsible for my lack of confidence. Would you not feel patronized and stupid if someone blatantly lied to you everyday, she was always saying things about people who fancied me etc. to make me feel better. Yes the intention is good, but that sets ye up for a big fall when ye find out they were just that - lies.

Yeah it was sh*t of her and all.

At least she gave you the opportunity to know you can be back to your normal self. I'm not saying she deserves thanks or anything, she did it for selfish reasons, but the result is you know you can be that again. All you have to do now is realise you can do it by yourself and not depend on others.

DeCoR18

OP yeah has she admitted to you it was all lies? If she has she sounds like a complete nutter.

kittenkiller

How do you know she was lying?
She might have had actual feelings for you.
Just because they didn't last forever doesn't make her a bad person in any way shape or form.

She's well rid of you!

blairbear

First off, you shouldn't be calling this girl an effing bitch. You appear to be very very angry towards her. She wasn't a mental health professional. She was trying to help you. I sincerely doubt that she viewed you as a little project. Very few people would undertake a "project" like that if they didn't have feelings for the person. I'd say that she honestly believed that you were gorgeous, that you were special. But having to reassure someone constantly, having to always be the strong, supportive one, can seriously take it's toll on the relationship.

Relationships are supposed to be between equals, and because you were unwell, it wasn't a relationship of equals at all.It is NOT her fault that the confidence you had while you were with her is gone. She was trying to make you happy, it seems like. I doubt she had any ulterior motive. She has every right to be with other guys now. Being bitter and angry won't help you in any way, shape or form.

LegacyUser

kittenkiller wrote: »

She's well rid of you!

Great advice there mate. Really, im not kidding.
How exactly is that helping the OP?

Anyway OP, Im sorry about what happened to you, its not nice and I can only imagine how betrayed you must feel. Yes she was trecherous and decietful but mostly she just sounds like a weak person.
Its all a good thing, even though I know it doesnt feel that way right now. Its good because life is teaching you an important lesson here: Never allow your worth or confidence to be in the hands of another person. I realise when you met her you were low and vunerable and needed somebody to be nice to you. Thats natural enough, so dont give yourself a hard time for that. But now you know better and your job is to figure out how to give yourself everything you need and not be reliant upon anybody else for your self esteem. I think you'll be fine, but like I said, learn the lesson that life is teaching you ad dont ever forget it.

Ellsbells

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes she was trecherous and decietful but mostly she just sounds like a weak person.

And are the pair of ye living on the same planet??? She was being genuine, probably young and didnt suss his mental health adn confidence problems up front She was affectionate and encouraging but it is / was not her job to make him feel better about himself. Would say after some painful months with him, nursing him and cajoling him she got fed up and moved on. Doesnt mean any of it was lies....

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

Great advice there mate. Really, im not kidding.
How exactly is that helping the OP?

it will hopefully make him realize that he's wallowing in self-pity, and, as such, isn't the greatest prospect as a partner.

"tough love" I believe the Americans call it.

kittenkiller

Unregistered wrote: »

Great advice there mate. Really, im not kidding.
How exactly is that helping the OP?

Yes she was trecherous and decietful but mostly she just sounds like a weak person.

What was the OP's gf *meant* to do in that situation?
She's besotted with a guy who is clearly irrational (for not seeing a break up for what it is and blaming everything on his ex) and in need of help (which he's seeking, but obviously it's not enough).
Should she stay with him for life in case she hurts him?
Hell no!

That sort of relationship isn't good for anyone!

If indeed she did spend months of her life building the OP up just to tear him back down for no obvious reason, I'd say that'd prove she was a very determined and strong character but also in need of psychiatric evaluation!

humanji

OP, as asked before, did she tell you she was lying? It sounds like she was either genuine, or genuinely trying to help you. But you said that you had to rely on her for your own short comings. Maybe she couldn't handle this, because it does sound like you drove her away.

Handsome Bob

I was in a similar situation to you OP. I was feeling really ****, confidence at zero but then a girl came along who made me feel like I was worth something. She would text me for hours on end flirting with me and long story short I eventually realised that she was only texting me when she was drunk, and to give herself an ego boost after her ex dumped her.

So I cut off contact with her. However, I really didn't want to go back to where I was in terms of self worth before she started telling me constantly about how great I was. Why should I throw away the confidence I had built up just because of some thoughtless bitch?

So OP, do yourself some justice and don't peg how happy you are on some chick. You gotta learn to love yourself man.

LegacyUser

Ellsbells wrote: »

And are the pair of ye living on the same planet??? She was being genuine, probably young and didnt suss his mental health adn confidence problems up front She was affectionate and encouraging but it is / was not her job to make him feel better about himself. Would say after some painful months with him, nursing him and cajoling him she got fed up and moved on. Doesnt mean any of it was lies....

How exactly was she being genuine? From the OPs description she told him things that were not in keeping with her actions, e.g. she told him he was basically the best thing since sliced bread but then dropped him like a hot-rock and went off with some other bloke in no time flat. If she was being genuine and really did like the OP why then did she ditch him so quickly and go off with another person? That sounds like a person who isnt genuine and will tell you what she thinks you wanna hear. Maybe in your world this is acceptable behaviour but in the real world this is a weak and dishonourable way to conduct yourself.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

it will hopefully make him realize that he's wallowing in self-pity, and, as such, isn't the greatest prospect as a partner.

"tough love" I believe the Americans call it.

Yeah and criticism works better than encouragement..........How is critcising someone by telling them theyre wallowing going to help them. Thats like telling a depressed person to pull themselves together and just snap out of it. Encouragement works, criticism doesnt. Be a little kinder with your words and opinions.

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah and criticism works better than encouragement..........How is critcising someone by telling them theyre wallowing going to help them. Thats like telling a depressed person to pull themselves together and just snap out of it. .

it's COMPLETELY different. Telling a depressed person to pull themselves together is like telling someone to grow their arm back. This situation, where the OP is down in the dumps because they have been dumped, is nothing like clinical depression and you display your own ignorance of the condition with such a simplistic analysis of mine and KK's posts.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

it's COMPLETELY different. Telling a depressed person to pull themselves together is like telling someone to grow their arm back. This situation, where the OP is down in the dumps because they have been dumped, is nothing like clinical depression and you display your own ignorance of the condition with such a simplistic analysis of mine and KK's posts.

Did you even read the OPs full post? heres a quote from what he said:

"Anyway, I was in a seriously bad state six months ago (still am trying to recover). Basically I was finished, a shell of a person"

This was before he met the girl. He's not down just because he got dumped, there were problems before that. So you are telling a person with deep problems to stop wallowing. Again I ask how is what youre saying helping the OP? Seriously, put yourself in his place and imagine somebody telling you youre just wallowing in self pity. Do you honestly think you'd jump up and go: OF course! How could I have been so stupid! ive been wallowing and feeling sorrow for myself. Thank you for pointing that out to me, now I feel much better due to support and kind words. Cheers!

Its not tough love its about you feeding your own ego and trying to come off as cool.