Need advice from women

vincent1976

Hi ,

Im not sure if this is the right place but here it is anyway.

I need some advice. It's a long story so i'll explain from the start. Last year my girlfriend died. Im 32 year old,she was 30 year old.It was quite sudden,really unexpected.We had a house together,which i've sold recently,and now im back living in my Mother's.
Over the last few months,my mates have been trying to fix me up with diffrent ladies,but as soon as they ask me about past relationships,they run a mile once i explain about my girlfriend dieing last year.They think im some sad lonely heartbroken weirdo, and yes, Im still heartbroken,but that doesnt mean i should have to sit in my house feeling sorry for myself?

I just really miss talking to women,having a diffrent conversation which isnt about football or lads talk.Im fed up going for a few pints with the lads,and then wandering home alone.Im considered quite goodlooking,funny and have my own business.So sitting down and talking to a lady isnt the problem,its that women judge me because my past and presume i must not want a girlfriend ever again.

So,the advice that i need is this, Should i just stop trying? Should i lie about my girlfriend? I dont want to do either but im wasting my time at the moment.

vincent

chester222

God that must have been a tough year for you.

Dont lie about your past, maby just try to not talk bout it in too much detail after only meeting the girl. Just maby say 'Ah its complicated, or something like that. No you shouldnt have to sit inside feeling sorry for yourself, life is to short. The girls that run the mile when you tell then about your past just arnt worth it, vincent. The girls that listen and accept your past without judgment are the ones who are worth it and you shouldnt have to get so deep into your past so soon with the girl.

Ok sorry, ill stop rambling on. Good Luck and Have Fun.

shellyboo

vincent1976 wrote: »

Hi ,

Im not sure if this is the right place but here it is anyway.

I need some advice. It's a long story so i'll explain from the start. Last year my girlfriend died. Im 32 year old,she was 30 year old.It was quite sudden,really unexpected.We had a house together,which i've sold recently,and now im back living in my Mother's.
Over the last few months,my mates have been trying to fix me up with diffrent ladies,but as soon as they ask me about past relationships,they run a mile once i explain about my girlfriend dieing last year.They think im some sad lonely heartbroken weirdo, and yes, Im still heartbroken,but that doesnt mean i should have to sit in my house feeling sorry for myself?

I just really miss talking to women,having a diffrent conversation which isnt about football or lads talk.Im fed up going for a few pints with the lads,and then wandering home alone.Im considered quite goodlooking,funny and have my own business.So sitting down and talking to a lady isnt the problem,its that women judge me because my past and presume i must not want a girlfriend ever again.

So,the advice that i need is this, Should i just stop trying? Should i lie about my girlfriend? I dont want to do either but im wasting my time at the moment.

vincent

How terrible for you, I'm so sorry

I don't think you should stop trying, and I don't think you should lie either - but maybe you shouldn't be so forthcoming with the information straight away. It is a big deal for you and I can see why some women would be wary of getting into something with a guy so recently bereaved.

Perhaps just don't have that past relationships conversation? If it comes up, just wave it away and say "let's not talk about old partners, let's talk about us" or something like that. If needs be, you can say you've just come out of a long-term relationship and leave it at that. Unless someone is really pushy, they won't pry any further.

Then, when you've gotten to know the girl a bit better, and she knows you're genuine and nice and normal, you can tell her.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Sorry to hear what you've been through. I went out with a widower before and I think the problem is that you feel the previous partner is on a pedestal and it's hard to match up to them i.e. you didnt split up because you didnt get on anymore, you were still in love with them and they were taken away from you suddenly. It's hard for some women to get to grips with this however I think if they are mature & secure in themselves then this shouldnt be a problem. I know now I was just too young to be in that situation. Maybe look outside your normal social scene and try to meet different women and try non pub/club related places also. Just wondering also if your friends are setting you up with women, what are they saying to them about you before you meet up? Maybe they are being very sympathetic and painting you in a tragic light to these women? Could you ask them to leave it to you to describe your situation in your own way? Sorry I dont think I'm wording this very well but hopefully you'll know what I mean.

Little Miss Cutie

OP,

I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

My sister lost her boyfriend nearly two years ago in a car accident. She was quiet young 18 and he was 20, they were fairly serious and she found it very hard afterwards. I remember her asking me exactly what to do in your situation. She felt she was meeting guys and when she told them about it they assumed she wanted either a replacement for him or a fling!!

She doesn't tell anyone about him upfront and if they get past a couple of dates then she tells them about him.

I am not sure if this helps in anyway, I think if you are talking to the right person it won't matter what you say to them.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your rough times recently.
as a female, I'd say a lot of women would be a bit put off on hearing that, only becuase they think 'oh dear he won't be over here yet', but for anyone to be mean about it and run a mile is not very nice at all.
I think you may need some female company but not necessarily a new gf, you can make friends with women and spend time with them without going out with them. Maybe you could try something new which might result in one of two new female friendships, but leave the dating scene until you are 100% ready. better for all concerned.

Dublin_Gunner

Don't get into past relationships with a new woman. Simple.

Should be easy enough to get around that question - and IMO its nobody's business anyway.

In fact, I personally don;t get into talking about past relationships at all - its not the past that matters, its the here, now, and future.

Very sorry to hear about your loss - but its good you're trying to get yourself moving forward - it can't be easy.

Best of luck OP, hope you find love again.

ladygirl

Hi OP

im so sorry to hear about your loss,, my cousin died 2 years ago and was going out with his girlfriend for 7 years before he died,, now 2 years on she still has not met anyone (shes 22 now) in her eyes no one matches up to him, and she has him on a pedastol,, could this be maybe your case too? it would be understandable if it was.

If it is not the case I would suggest that you do not get into this on your first few dates, it shouldnt come up anyway, I personally wouldnt want to know about someones past on the first few dates, it would be later on..
Dont lie about your past, especially about something as close to your heart as this,

all the best to you

LegacyUser

Im really sorry about your loss. But you shouldn't give up.
In my opinion any girl who cannot cope with what you have been through isn't worth the effort. But I suppose you need to be mindful of new dates feelings, and not spend the whole time, certainly in the early stages talking about your deceased ex.
I would say stick with it, and anyone worth their salt will understand.

puglover

I think it might be a case of these women maybe feeling inadequate, and that they somehow wouldn't live up to the memory of your ex.

Ellsbells

Its not clear how recently your gf passed on.. Last year could be 8 months ago or 20... Its also not clear how far along the grieving process you are or why you want ot meet a girl - is it for companionship or a relationship. Do you know if the time is ok to meet someone or in the back of your head is it too soon?

You dont need to tell your date immediately but if you feel it is getting to a relationship stage you will need to.

TBH, I would think a year is a short time to grieve and to be in a position to move on to another relationship but I have not been in your shoes...

Good luck....

eb

ps sorry for your loss

YOURFACE!

That is really sad Vincent, Im so sorry to hear that

I agree with some of the previous posters. I think you should keep going out and meeting new people. I would step around answering those types of questions until you feel totally comfortable with someone and then let them know about your girlfriend. They will know you then and shouldnt (I hope) make any judgements.

Good Luck!:)

Strongbow10

Hello Vincent,

A 25 year old guy here with the very same problem. Your dilemma is a mirror image of mine.
Now I was in a long term relationship with a girl for 4 years and she died relatively suddenly just prior to my 21st birthday. We were best friends and young lovers I suppose and we fitted perfectly.

I have experience of relationships since and my experience has left me scarred somewhat. When is the best time to mention it? I have been with one girl and I mentioned it fairly soon and she was noticeably freaked out that I couldn't have possibly ever loved her as much. I'm a mature fella and definately not the type to harp on about her, and I spent my time 1-2 years grieving and being by my self. I felt I was ready for a relationship again and I clicked with this girl. But I guess telling her so soon changed that landscape of it all.

Anyway I learned my lesson when I met someone again and this time I decided i'd stay quiet and over 6 months into the relationship the girl found out elsewhere that I lost a long term girlfriend. She was extremely difficult with me and was disappointed I didnt confide in her. It ended as she didnt know what to think. And you may say she is shallow or not understanding but again it changed the landscape of the relationship for her.

Its very tricky. I do sometimes think i'll never have it as good again to be honest. And this is coming from a guy who has moved on. I know it sounds bleak but for me I kinda give up hope of meeting a nice girl who will accept me for me and all my experiences. I suppose we are what they call "guys with baggage".

Its a shame. Hey I suppose I should look for advice aswell.