Mother's ex-boyfriend dying - what to do?

Monkey61

Any advice appreciated here. I posted last year when my Mum had just broken up with her (very long term) boyfriend because she found his will stating that his ex-wife was the most important thing to him in the world and that he only wanted her and his kids at his funeral. She left him and hadn't been in any contact with him since.

Basically she mentioned in conversation yesterday that he is in hospital with cancer and is most probably dying. She is not going to go and visit him unless he asks her to as she is still heartbroken and doesn't want to suffer through the horribleness if she gets there and he doesn't want to see her. She sent him a text wishing him well and he thanked her and implied that he was definitely dying.

The thing is, I really like this guy. I know he broke my mother's heart, but she wasn't always the best to him either and it is easy from the outside to see both sides. They were together for most of my childhood and I spent years of weekends of my life in his house and looked on him as something of a father figure for some time, I even lived with him for a while after school. I wouldn't say we were close or anything but I was almost in tears when she told me and I hate the idea of someone who was a big feature in my life for so long dying and never seeing him again. I just want to say goodbye.

Do I have any right to want to do that? I have no idea what hospital he is in and I couldn't just turn up anyway as his family haven't met me in about 15 years and I don't know if he'd even want to see me. The last time I saw him was about 6 months ago when I ran into him in the supermarket and had a chat. I have no idea what visiting hours are anyway, or if his ex-wife is in with him every day or what.

I asked my mother for his number so I could send him a text, but I have no idea what to say. If I wish him well etc can I say something at the end along the lines of "Do let me know if you are feeling up to a visit anytime" - as that way he doesn't have to say no, he could just not invite me in. I don't want to see him against his wishes obviously and that gives him an easy get out as opposed to directly asking if it is okay.

Sorry of this is a bit rambling, my head is all over the place. But basically any input as to what I should say in the text would be good. Could I ask him what hospital and ward he is in so I can send a card?

Julesie

Hi Monkey, that sounds like a really difficult situation. I think your suggestion of sending an open question text sounds like the right option. As you say it then gives him the chance to make the decision rather than you imposing yourself on him

If he invites you into the hospital then I would definitely go. If not, then I would respect his wishes but do make sure you take the time to grieve about this properly. I know the status of his relationship with your mother makes this tricky but that does not diminish your sense of loss of a man who was essentially a step father to you for a substantial part of your life.

I hope this works out well for all concerned.

rs

If you have spoken to him as recently as a few months ago and you have a good history together I think it's only natural that you would want to see him (and probably that he would want to see you)

However, the family situation can be very, very complicated when there is an ex-wife and kids in the picture.

Send a text and ask if you can visit.

Which is worse. him saying that he does not want to see you?

Or never knowing?