Long term/married in love couples...HELP

LegacyUser

Hi!
Ive been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and really need some advice. simply question, how do you know if he's the one??? I love him so much but we do fight and get on each others nerves a fair bit but when things are ok he's perfect and i cant imagine wanting anyone else. Im not thinking of getting married or anything like that weve only been together a year like i said but how do you know when its worth sticking through the hard times???? I dont come from the most perfect family background and looking at my parents for guidance isnt an option! Id love some advice from married or long term couples and who can honestly say they are Very happy together because my state of mind now is everyone settles and forever love doesnt exsist. Whats the ratio of good:bad that should be in a relationship? My minds a bit all over the place any advice would be welcome feeling quite low

LegacyUser

Hi, sorry you are feeling so low, hopefully things will get better for you.

I am just out of a two year relationship so may not be able to give the best advice but your issue ressonated with me. I met the guy two years ago and within the 1st year we were fighting a bit too much for my liking but I like you was wondering what did I want and thought that all relationships were like this - good time good or sometimes great, but bad times too. with previous boyfriends I used to rarely have arguments but then I just thought that was the way it was. I suppose I am saying I always had doubts and wondered what would happen long term as he was always saying we would marry.

I remember at christmas after just 5 months together that i said that was it, I just wanted out and this was before we exchanged gifts and I remember thinking I dont care what rthe gift is I dont want this. Well I should have listened to my instinct. Anytime I wanted to leave things got better, anytime I actually left (twice) he came after me the same day and that was that although I never got to the end of why we were arguing. Turns out we were arguing cause he had so many issues and the arguments were a way of him covering them up.

Look for signs - I remember when he first introduced me to his parents the week after we met his mother said I was a lovely girl but asked himhow long would I put up with his drinking and gambling....I ignored this and at the time thought it was funny. Another week later on being intriduced to his sister he told me that his sister said 'dont screw it up this time'.... why didnt i listen then when in the first flushes of love????

If you are this low now a month into it I wuld advise to seriously consider what you want. I have some friends from home who will openly admit they just settled despite the arguments and the situations they are in are 100 times worse now they are married.

I'm only single 6 wks at this stage - but I know there is a man out there who I wont argue that much with - and in the meantime I have eliminated the lows that far surpassed the highs.

Sorry if this is a bit long winded - just giving what I have been through

LegacyUser

Hi O.P

My advice would be no relationship is perfect all the time we all have our moments i'm with my other half 10 years we have had our ups and downs and come through them stronger nothing in life is easy and nothing worth having comes easy and you dont give up without giving it your all if people tell you that they dont have arguements with their other half they are lying my Mam and Dad seperated when i was young so i didnt have good role models, as for knowing he was the 'one' its not something i can really put into words but its like the x factor its just something you cant put your finger on but its there for me we just clicked and he made me feel happy and safe and secure and loved even though at times we drove each other nuts i could never imagine life without him and knew that no matter what life threw at me/us we had each other, cheer up i know it can be tough but dont let what if's drive you mad just enjoy loving and being loved for me i get little cards for no reason and write a little love note to him and he does little thing for me make memories just little thing so when things are a little tough you can make a cuppa and think back and remind yourself why you are together just simple little things like a walk in the park a drive for a pub dinner (no drink driving) and just enjoy each other

Life will always throw a spanner in your plans but when you are loved and loving him you will get through it

CathyMoran

Am very happily married to the man of my dreams. I think that with me I just always knew that he was the one, my gut instinct, my head and my heart were always telling me the same thing even though we had a very rocky few years at the start. There are some essentials though, he has to treat you well and be there for you in a crisis. I found that the two of us being able to hold a decent conversation and him never boring me was important (but that may be just me).

denhaagenite

OP why do you need to know so badly? It's only been a year... Isn't it a bit like watching the end of the movie before the middle of it? Just take it easy and be patient. If you're still happy overall then don't rush it. Everyone argues from time to time

Terodil

I think there's arguments about basic principles and values and there's arguments about particular questions/issues. The first would ring a warning bell if they actually happened at all, the second... meh, I'd say they're the salt in the soup. You are two individuals and will of course have disagreements from time to time. As long as these discussions are led with mutual respect and in fairness, I don't see anything wrong with them.

LegacyUser

OP here!

Thanks everyone for your replys! Im not feeling as low anymore!

I love the idea of making memories to look back on and relise why i love him. In the beginning we made lots of memories together and that always helped me throught the hard times. I guess weve maybe become lazy and just need to start making more of an effort.

He is a very opinionanted and our discussions can lead to arguments because of difference of opinion but our principles and values on family and work and life are on the same track. Sometimes his veiws can grate on me but a difference of opinions is something i can get over i think!

Denhaagenite what you said hit me i think i am wanting to see the end and for it to be a really happy one because the thought of ending up like my parents terrifies me! I think I am going to be patient and let my film play out ....ill try stop asking people about the ending. Hard as that will be, its my film ill make my ending happy whatever happens!!

Xiney

Expecting a longterm relationship/marriage to be all sunshine and roses is just fantasy.

There will always be rough patches. You will of course at times wonder if you made the right decision. This is normal in a healthy relationship: if you felt you couldn't leave no matter what that would be an unhealthily dependent, or maybe abusive, relationship. So wondering, every once in a while, "Jeez, would I be better off without him" is completely healthy. It shows you are still able to think of yourself as an independent, capable human being. It's very important to be able to do that.

The most important thing is to communicate. If you keep the communication lines open and effective, talking through your problems will come so much more naturally and your relationship will be much stronger for it.